Dirt Roads
by winehoes
Summary: Trucker hats, possums, and dirt roads. Shenanigans ensue. Is there really less trouble in the country, or are the kids just better at not getting caught? ExB, AH. Story contains mature themes.
1. Prologue

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

I'd never given much thought to how I would die, but even if I had, I could think of a million better ways than this.

I stared out into the open yard, dust swirling around me and sticking to my skin. The heat was registering over 110, while the humidity in the air did its best to stay neck and neck with the temperature gauge. Surely this was hell.

There had to be a better way to die than sucking in air so hot it burned my body from the inside out. Maybe in the place of someone else, someone I loved. But really, I can't think of anyone I would off myself for. I mean, what would it matter if I loved them if I was dead? And if they loved me, why would I saddle them with the guilt of knowing that I was dead because of them. No, dying for someone else is stupid; I'd just send a pretty flower arrangement, nothing tacky. That ought to count for something.

I knew if I'd never done those body shots, the Molly, and three lines of coke, I wouldn't have been arrested. Maybe it wasn't the drugs that were the problem, but more so the fact I thought it okay to bribe the cop with road head in place of arresting me. Yeah, that wasn't my best idea to date.

I knew if I'd never started hanging around Laurent, that phony French fucker, then I wouldn't have gotten arrested. I would have never been transplanted between Bum Fuck No Where and Red Neck Hollow. I wouldn't be facing a year in hell with my hippie therapist father, who pretty much walked around barefoot until he found the light that was Toms.

Terrified as I was, I couldn't seem to tear my eyes from the group of people pulling into my driveway, in a truck with wheels as tall as me, and a rebel flag flying off the back. I couldn't bring myself to process that said people were now getting out of the monstrosity and heading straight towards me. I felt like I was watching a scene from the Duke's of Hazard with all the cut off jean shorts, cowboy hats, and plaid shirts.

But most of all, I couldn't understand why, for the life of me, the boy with the craziest hair I'd ever seen sticking out from underneath his truckers hat made me want to straddle the railing on the porch and scream "yeehaw, giddy up boy!".

When life throws you a situation so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not unreasonable to be a little pissed about it.

The Trucker Hat Dude smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward with what seemed like every intention of killing me with southern charm. I had other ideas...


	2. Chapter 1

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

There were six lines of white powder on the glass table in front of me.

Wait, that's not right. I closed one eye and the six lines magically transformed into three. That sounded about right. Molly, coke, and Xanax; the ever-faithful trio.

"Choose _one, _baby girl, and choose wisely," Laurent snickered, his fake French accent filled my ear, interrupting my concentration.

Swirling the clear liquid around in my glass, the ice cubes created a clinking sound that made me smile before draining the glass.

"I don't want to choose just one." I smiled sweetly, and handed Laurent my empty glass before snorting the first line.

"You're in the mood to hang with Molly tonight, huh?" He brought his mouth to my neck and I purred, snorting the second line. "Molly's a good girl."

"Bella, I know you're young, but you should really learn to share." Victoria tsked with disapproval.

Wiping the excess powder from my nose, I glared at Victoria and said, "I can share Laurent. Will that work?"

Laurent chuckled darkly, his fingers snaking down the hem of my dress, creating goosebumps to cover my exposed skin.

Victoria's glare burned into me. I never liked the non-frizz haired bitch, so, I snorted the last line to spite her.

As the coke worked its way through my system, I let the bass from the stereo lull me into a trance. Feeling a hand brush against my thigh, I opened my eyes realizing that everything seemed much sharper, clearer. I also noticed that the hand in question belonged to the stripper who just got off the stage.

"Want a lap dance?" she purred.

"Uh, no thanks Abe Lincoln. I wouldn't want to lose a shoe in that jungle you got going on down there." I laughed while scooting away from the foot she was slowly inching up onto the booth beside me. I mean, it's all fun and games until there's a twat in your face.

"Come on, Bella," Victoria goaded while eying the stripper's bearded lady bits. "Being a stripper is hard work; you should throw her a bone."

Ha, _bone_. Somehow I don't think a bone is what she's looking for. Me, on the other hand...

"Psh, being a stripper is not work. She takes off her clothes and swings around on a pole all day like a god damned monkey. Apparently also trying to imitate one by the looks of that hairy snatch," I replied coolly while eying the new lines of coke Laurent was laying out on the table once again.

"If it's so easy, let's see you give it a try then." Victoria challenged, also focusing on the lines of coke.

"Wh-what?" I sputtered, trying to remember if I was wearing a matching bra and panty set. I'd show these bitches.

"Of course, Bella, I would love to see the spotlight on that beautiful body of yours," Laurent stated in that fake fucking accent again.

Why the fuck do I waste my time with these losers? Oh yeah, free drugs. Speaking of which…

"Sure I'll do it, but all those lines are mine," I replied, testing out which nostril would be better to start with.

Laurent's eyes lit up like a fucking Christmas tree as he bobbed his head up and down while passing me the straw.

Three lines later, I was on my way, albeit not quite as steady as before. See, that's the thing with coke. By itself, it was a great pick me up. But add in the booze, Xanax, and fuck knows what else I've done tonight, it makes things a bit..._compromised_. But fuck it, I'm going to own this shit and show afro Angie what's what.

"Play me something good, will ya?" I yelled seductively to the DJ.

The bass began to vibrate through the floors as a remix of "Funky Town" started to play. Okay, not exactly the song I had in mind when envisioning myself seducing others on the pole, but whatever. I could work with it.

I started to move. Twisting my arm around the pole, I shimmied my hips and pushed my knees apart. Fuck, I knew I looked hot because that's exactly what the look on Laurent's face told me. Popping the first button off my shirt, I bit my lip and batted my lashes, cause that shit is sexy. At least, that's what I've seen in movies.

Right before my showcase of the goods, I decided to whip my hair back, again, cause it's sexy. That was my first mistake. I should have realized I wasn't able to do that sort of move even while sober and barefoot. My second mistake was the six inch heels I had changed into that made my legs look fuck awesome. But I couldn't deny my crowd the pleasure of that view, no.

As soon as I whipped my hair over my shoulder, my balance wavered. I let out a shaky laugh and attempted to grab on to the pole with my other hand. The ass sweat, or maybe it was the lube on that fucker, caused the pole to slide right away from me.

In almost slow motion, I could see the look of horror cross Laurent's face, and the look of absolute glee from that bitch Victoria as my leg kicked back behind me causing my entire body to pitch forward.

As the floor moved closer and closer, the doors burst open with yells and screams and...fuck. Are those flashing blue lights? All I could seem to think about was this is going to hurt like a mother fucker.

Everything faded to glitter and cheap lube.

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><p>"Isabella Swan."<p>

_What the fuck?_

"Isabella Swan!"

_Who the fuck?_

"MISS SWAN!"

Okay, seriously, whoever the fuck is yelling my name is about to get punched in the fucking cunt.

I groaned, the muscles in my bicep tensing as I draped my arm over my face. Why does my back feel like I've been fucked on a mechanical bull, and why does my nose feels like I should be on an episode of plastic surgeries gone wrong?

_Dear God, I swear to God, er, _you_...I'll never snort anything ever again. Just please make the burning sensation go away. I like my septum, I really, really do. It's a great septum and it doesn't deserve to have holes burned into it. Amen._

Shit. I opened my eyes and was thrown for a mother fucking loop as I noticed there were bars between the outside world and me, like a caged fucking animal.

No fucking way. That rat bastard, Laurent, with his stupid fake accent and beady little eyes. I'm gonna kill him. As soon as I figure out how the fuck I'm gonna get out of jail, I'm gonna kill him.

"Isabella Swan. You made bail." A butch-looking police officer with busted teeth informed me while unlocking the cell. She was such a cliche. Meh, I was already not impressed with jail. As if reading my mind, she gave me the stink-eye.

_Well, fuck you and your yuck mouth, too,_ I thought to myself as I stood, stumbled, to my feet.

"Wait. I didn't get my phone call," I said hesitantly.

This was all happening so fast. I mean, wasn't I supposed to get a phone call? Wasn't I supposed to cry? Wasn't I supposed to get molested by a woman named Bertha, who would write me poems on toiler paper rolls? Did we even get toilet paper in jail? I glanced around the holding cell, searching for some sort of toilet. Fuck, I really did have to pee.

The police officer didn't acknowledge me or the silent rambling that was going on inside my hazy head. Instead, she grabbed my arm with some fucking Hulk-like strength and dragged me out of the cell.

"Ouch! Well, fuck you and your Sinéad fade you yuck mouth fucker," I said out loud this time.

"I'd watch that pretty little mouth of yours." She scolded as she walked me to the front.

After receiving my belongings, which happened to only be a pair of six inch heels and a small black clutch, I was instructed that all of my paperwork was complete and my ride was waiting out front. I walked my barefoot ass out into the daylight, guarding my eyes from the blinding sun feeling way to Varsity Blues, well, minus the fat guy.

I heard a whistle to my left and sighed in relief as I noticed Charlie standing by his parked car. He pulled me into a suffocating hug until I pulled away.

"Thanks for, uh, bailing me out."

"Never thought I'd have to hear you say that, Bells."

"Stranger things have happened," I muttered, trying to replay last night's events.

"That's all you have to say? _Stranger things have happened_?" Charlie asked in shock. "I'm disappointed in you."

"Yes, well, thanks for verbalizing that. Really. Thanks. It was hard for me to see your facial expression under that beard of yours."

"You're not going to hang out with those people anymore, understood?"

In his defense, he tried really hard to be a great dad. I just wasn't exactly sure there were many great dads out there who smoked weed and forgot their daughter's birthdays. Which really fucking sucked since I love my birthday. I'm all about the free shit, which is why I raid his stash. Tit for tat mother fucker.

"Bella, answer me."

"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya." I shrugged and dug through the clutch for my phone, which happened to be missing. Fuck.

"You look awful," he said with pitiful, sad eyes.

"So do you," I snapped. "Ever heard of soap and shampoo? For fuck's sake, shave that God-awful beard of yours."

Charlie shook his head and started the car. I flipped opened my compact to check whether or not the new MAC mascara I had purchased came through for me. If that shit could last through a night like that _and _jail, well, it was fucking golden in my book. I checked my reflection and gasped.

"Fucking A! My nose!" I screeched while flipping the sun visor to further survey the damage with a larger mirror. "Why didn't you tell me I had dried blood caked all over my face? This is _not_ a good look for me."

"What exactly did you think I meant when I said _you look awful_?"

"Not that I looked like I just walked out of a horror film. Christ."

"I read the report," Charlie said as he stopped at a red light. I stared straight ahead, focusing on the license plate number of the car in front of us. "Let me get this straight...you bribed the cop who arrested you with road head if he were to let you go?"

I cringed. Then laughed, cause that's pretty funny shit. "Your guess is as good as mine. I don't remember shit."

"Coke? Xanax?"

"Don't forget Molly. You know, MDMA. It's great stuff. You know, some psychiatrists prescribe it to their patients for marriage counseling?"

"What have I always told you, Bella?"

"Don't drink out of the organic milk carton?"

"Well, yeah, but that's not what I'm talking about." Charlie gripped the wheel. "Say it. Out loud."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Hugs not Drugs. You realize I'm not a child anymore, right?"

"You sure are acting like one. Which is why I've decided we need a change."

I sat up straighter. "You have my undivided attention for," I glanced at my non-existent watch, "another two minutes."

"We're moving."

This couldn't be happening. "But...your clients! And...you love New York._ I_ love New York!"

"Well, honey, now we're going to love Intercourse," Charlie said, slightly cringing. "It's in Alabama."

"Really?" I deadpanned. "You're a fucking therapist and it didn't cross your mind that choosing to move to a town named Intercourse would be emotionally damaging to your seventeen-year-old daughter?"

"It was the first place I had-"

"Oh, sweet Jesus!" I screamed. "If that sentence ends with _intercourse_, I'm going to vom. I swear to God!"

"No," Charlie scolded and I visibly relaxed. "It was the first place your mother and I met. I just thought it'd be nice to visit the old place, even if only for a year."

The look on Charlie's face made me soften for a moment. Then I remembered he was forcing me to move to a town called Intercourse, and my fit started up again.

"Mom apparently moved away from Intercourse for a reason. Ever think of that? It must obviously suck balls."

"We only moved to New York because there were no skyscrapers in Intercourse, and Renee wanted to pursue her art and paint city skylines. She made that dream a reality."

"A reality," I snickered. Yeah, my mom had a dream all right, and that dream was cut short one ill-fated afternoon when a group of pigeons attacked her as she worked four-hundred feet in the air on the roof of our building.

Fucking nasty ass pigeons.

"Enough about Mom. I'm damaged enough as it is, I don't need to relive her death." Charlie handed me a handkerchief from his pocket. "I was joking. I'm not damaged and I'm certainly not crying. Get your pity handkerchief away from me."

"It's to clean up your face, Bells. We're heading to the airport right now, and I can't exactly have you walking through the airport looking like that."

"Now? As in...now?"

"No point staying here any longer. I packed anything we'll need for the first few days. The movers will box up the rest with the furniture," Charlie explained. Well, he certainly had this all planned out for a while. "You'll be lucky to get off with a slap on the wrist, Bella. Drugs, underage drinking, and being caught in a shady strip club? Because you're a minor they should just sentence you to community service. I'll be speaking with the judge on Monday to find out what your punishment will be. I just...this could have been so much worse."

Ha, I really doubt that. "Worse than moving to Intercourse?"

"Less than a year. Finish out your senior year and you'll be done with me and Intercourse, okay?" Charlie held out his hand, cringing at the wording of his sentence, and waited for me to shake on it.

"Less than a year?" I questioned. I wonder if I would last that long. Regardless of the answer, I shook his hand.

"I have a good feeling Intercourse is going to change things for you, Bells."

My eyes stayed shut until we reached the airport. It was my way of keeping Charlie from speaking to me.

I had a feeling I wasn't ready for Intercourse. But I knew without a doubt that Intercourse was definitely not ready for me.

_I'm never dating a dude with a fake French accent again.  
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><p><strong>AN: Welcome to the fuckery that is Dirt Roads.** **Thanks for reading.**_  
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	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

Did you know that Intercourse, Alabama really is a town? Neither did I; not until my friend Google laughed in my face, told me it was true and that I was fucked.

Turns out I had a few hours to spare to do my homework on Intercourse. We had two layovers, one in Baltimore and one in Atlanta, before finally landing in Meridian, Mississippi. Yeah. I didn't know that was a city, either. Geography was never my thing.

It also turns out there wasn't much for me to learn about Intercourse. I chalked that up to the less I knew, the better.

Charlie and I took a thirty minute cab ride, in silence, from Meridian to our new home. We exited the cab and I tossed our suitcases in the dirt as Charlie paid the driver. A wave of fear shook through my body as the cab driver pulled away, leaving Charlie and me alone with the huge house sitting before us. The grasshoppers in the tall grass surrounding the house were creating an annoying soundtrack for my first impression of Intercourse.

"I hate it," I admitted as I stared at the wooden sign that read _Stillwater Manor_.

"It's a house," Charlie explained, as if I didn't have eyes. "How can you hate a house, Bella?"

"Because it looks like the fucking Amityville Horror house!" I shrieked with wide eyes.

Charlie rested his hands on his hips and stared up at the house in all it's haunted glory. "Don't be silly. The family that was murdered lived down the street, and their house wasn't even up for sale."

I covered my ears. "Stop, stop, stop!"

"Bells, come on. If it makes you feel any better, we can hold a séance after we unpack." Charlie lifted both of our suitcases and started through the maze of grass towards the porch.

"Right, because nothing _ever _goes wrong during a séance," I muttered to myself as I trailed behind him, swatting at the omnipresence of gnats.

The door knob was a bit...rusty, but we finally made our way in. The two of us stood in the foyer, surrounded by the silence and the smell and dust and just...everything was overwhelming.

"Yeah, this place is totally haunted," I whispered as not to wake the ghosts. With each step I took, the wood floor beneath me groaned out in protest.

"At least I'll know when you're trying to sneak out," Charlie teased.

"At least you'll hear my screams as I'm being attacked by a ghost," I said loudly, listening to my voice echo through the almost empty house.

We did a quick walk through, neither of us adding our own commentary. I noted to myself the kitchen needed new cabinets and the fireplace was probably home to a family of bats. All in all, it wasn't anything fancy, but it was huge, and I'm assuming before the murders happened, this place was rockin'.

"What's that?" I asked, noticing a big ass gray colored car sitting in the backyard, weeds almost taller than Charlie surrounding it.

Charlie's smile was wide as he handed me a set of keys. "That beauty is a 1972 Buick Skylark, a classic, also known as your transportation."

"Right. Isn't everything in this town already in walking distance?"

"I'm afraid school's not in walking distance. You'll have to attend in the next town over. Not too far though."

Awesome. This town didn't even have its own fucking high school. I was beginning to think Intercourse wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

"Does the thing even run?"

"I'll take a look at it a little later. Should be fine."

"So, are we supposed to sleep on the floor until the movers bring our furniture?"

"Nope," Charlie said a little too enthusiastically. "The next room over should have a twin bed, and I'll sleep on the couch downstairs."

"Oh, so I get to sleep in the bed the last kid who lived here was murdered in? No fucking thank you!" I wasn't being irrational at all. Haunted houses were very much a legitimate fear of mine and Charlie knew that!

"Fine. The couch is all yours," he said easily, trying to appease me.

The afternoon turned into evening as I locked myself in the largest of the three bathrooms. I sat fully clothed in the wide, porcelain tub with My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay" blaring from my iPod. I was _so_ not okay; and yeah, I realized I was being emo.

A slight craving for nicotine crept into my system. Actually, I was craving a vodka tonic and a little Molly, but nicotine would suffice for now.

I ran down the two flights of stairs, already feeling winded as I hit the bottom floor.

"Where are you off to?" Charlie questioned, waving his hand to clear the smoke in the air surrounding him. "I thought you were asleep."

_He thought I was asleep_, I laughed to myself. Hence the mother fucking bong hiding behind his back.

"Going for a drive in my new ride," I rapped. Because I knew how to drop a beat. "Isn't that what people do in this po-dunk town? Drive around and waste gas?"

"It's ten p.m., maybe you should try to get some shut eye. It's been a long couple of days." Charlie was using his soothing voice, AKA his stoned-off-his-ass voice, trying not to rile me up. Well, fuck that shit.

"_Shut eye?_ Fuck, you're already starting to sound like_ them_," I snapped and ignored the blatant hurt on his face. "Look, I'm just going to buy some cigarettes, okay? I'll be back."

The nearest, and only, gas station in town was literally an eight minute drive from our house, so I opted to walk instead of wasting my time attempting to start that piece of shit Buick.

Half a minute into my walk, I realized this town was creepy as fuck after the sun went down. I didn't want to walk along the dark road, surrounded by trees when I was pretty certain this was where _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ occurred. Minus, you know, the whole Texas thing.

The Buick, which was now parked in the front of the house, drove surprisingly well, given the year it was made the the way it looked. And smelled, for that matter.

Pulling into the gas station, I nearly pissed my pants as I read the name on the sign. I ignored locking up the Buick and made my way inside. A small_ ping_ alerted whoever was behind the counter that a customer had entered. I perused the aisles. And when I say_ aisles_, I mean two. There were only two aisles.

"Do you need help finding something?" A lanky guy in a trucker's hat stood next to me, hands in his pockets, looking slightly confused.

"No, I'm good. Thanks."

"You sure? Cause you've been standing over here for ten minutes staring at the same two bags of candy."

"Hard decision," I replied lamely. "Choose for me?" I let my eyes linger on the shape of his jaw as he stared intently at the candy choices. His head suddenly snapped in my direction, breaking my line of sight.

"Let's see. Definitely not these." Trucker Hat Dude grabbed the bag of peanut M&M's out of my hand and tossed them to the ground. "Whatever you do, stay away from all of the M&M's, okay? A friend of mine chipped a molar last week from the peanuts in those puppies," he said with seriousness to his tone. "In fact, I'm pretty sure all of this candy is more than five years old."

"I owe you big time. I'm quite fond of my molars, and if I were to chip one..." I pretended to cry.

"You know how to speak sarcasm?" he asked dumbly, dazing me with his smirk. "Here. Best bet would be to stick with the Smarties. Pretty sure those things never go bad."

"You sure know how to sell a pack of Smarties." I laughed and began to mock him. "'_All of this candy is old as shit. Here, buy these nasty ass Smarties'. _Who actually likes Smarties, anyway?"

His face feigned shock. Or maybe he really was shocked; I wasn't sure. "You're making fun of me, aren't you?"

Shaking my head, I looked down at the floor to keep from laughing. "Not at all. You take your Smartie-selling skills very seriously. I didn't mean to offend you."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go check you out." Trucker Hat Dude walked me to the counter and I pointed out the pack of cigarettes I had specially made this trip for.

"Cigarettes?" He questioned as he tossed the pack on the counter, giving me a funny look.

"What's that look for? Are these, like, bad for you or something?"

He let out a throaty laugh while shaking his head. "Forget it."

Not bothering to count the cash, I slammed a few bills on the counter and slipped the pack of cigarettes into my palm.

"Oh my God. The dude with the trucker hat is judging me for smoking cigarettes. How do you suggest I get my buzz on, huh? Chew dip?"

"I just thought maybe you could smoke something a little less..._harmful_ to your health. That's all"

"No shit? You smoke weed?" My voice came out as a whisper, despite the fact that we were the only two in the store.

Trucker Hat Dude handed me a lighter and said, "I'm surprised you city folk don't have a fancier name for it." This made me laugh, but not as much as the yellow smiley face lighter did. "I don't smoke _weed_; there is nothing _weed _about it."

"Damn. Go on. I'm listening," I said, very intrigued and very turned on at the tone of his voice.

He smirked, tapping his fingers on the counter for a second. "It's more of a _show,_ less of a_ tell_. Come on." Shutting the register, he moved around the counter, and turned off the lights in the store.

I stood in place. "What the fuck are you doing?" Cause if he was about to murder me or something, that was just _not cool._ It's always the good-looking fuckers who think they can go around murdering whomever they want.

"Closing shop," he said as he ushered me out the back doors. "My parent's own the place. We usually close at nine, but I sometimes stay a little later."

"Your parents own the _Kum and Go_?" I snorted. This was just too good.

"Laugh it up."

"Don't need to tell me twice," I said as I doubled over in laughter as he locked the back door.

"Hey, you want to smoke or not? You're not giving me a very good first impression," he scolded and removed the trucker's hat. I swear I heard angels singing as he ran his hand through the bronze mess on his head. Noticing my ogling, he put his hat back on and reached a hand towards me. "I'm Edward Cullen. Intercourse's one and only reefer keeper."

"Bella Swan. Intercourse's one and only..." I paused, not able to come up with anything.

"Smartie-eater." Edward grinned and pointed towards an old, rusty truck. "Do you want to go hang out in my truck for a bit, Bella Swan?"

Did I fucking ever? I nodded once, twice. I pretty much should have just bent over right then and there and let him have his way with me.

"How do I know you won't kill me?"

Edward seemed to take this question seriously. He hummed and hawed, then snapped his fingers once. "I got nothin'. It wouldn't be smart for you to sit with a stranger in his truck. But, it also wouldn't be smart to turn down this sweet ganja."

"Then, yes, I'd love to hang out in your truck...with you." I smirked a little, flirted a lot. I knew what I was fucking doing, people.

"You, Bella Swan, are going to be trouble, aren't you?" Edward began walking backward towards his truck so he was facing me.

"Of course I am," I teased.

With a swift move to open the passenger side door, he winked and said, "That's good. We need a little trouble in this town."

I bit my lip as he walked around the front of the truck to the driver's side. Since his truck was parked behind the store, it was also facing a cornfield and, yeah, it was a little odd. We should have just smoked inside the store.

Edward hopped in the truck and stuck his keys in the ignition to play music from his cheap ass stereo. "So, _Bella." _My name rolled off his tongue. I wondered what his tongue could do.

He pulled out a joint and held it to my nose, letting me take a whiff before lighting it. "How is it that you ended up in Intercourse?" Edward asked, trying and failing miserably not to smile. He inhaled, exhaled, and I stared at his nostrils that flared.

Damn he was one fine motherfucker. We were totally going to have sex. Why else would he suggest smoking in his truck?

I grabbed the joint and said, "So, do you people sit around all day thinking of ways to use the name of this town in a sentence?" I drawled with as much sarcasm as possible considering I was in the middle of the _puff _part of "puff puff pass".

Edward rolled his eyes. "No, we don't. Although Jasper..." he trailed off looking thoughtful before continuing. "He may very well know every possible situation where the history of Intercourse can be brought into a conversation."

"Jasper?" I asked. What kind of fucking name is that? I giggled.

"Yeah, he's a buddy of mine. I'll bring him by to meet you," he replied, as if we were going to be the best of friends or something.

Uh, no. Less than a year and I was out of this hick town. Cute dudes in trucker hats or not, I was _not _a country girl and had zero interest in making nice with the locals. They may turn into those animals in the city that try to follow you home, even after you have repeatedly tried to punt them, just because you stumbled and dropped some Combos. Fucking leeches.

"And how exactly do you expect to find me? I never told you where I live," I replied with my brow lifted. Well, as lifted as it can be since both eyes were close to being shut completely.  
><em><br>Fuck._ Trucker Hat Dude, I mean, Edward, wasn't joking. This wasn't _just_ weed. This shit had got to be the best weed I had ever smoked. I was so fucking stoned, Smarties were actually starting to sound appetizing. Speaking of which, where were my Smarties, anyway? I knew I brought them with me. Were they in my pockets?

Oh, right, ha. I didn't have pockets. Pocketssss. Pock-its. Packets? Was that even a real word?

"Bella!"

"Uh, yeah?" I recoiled.

What the hell was I doing? I looked over at Trucker Hat Dud, and, okay. This dude was wasted. He couldn't stop laughing, and as far as I could tell, there wasn't anything remotely funny going on. Was there? Shit. Did I miss it?

"Edward?" I screeched as loud as I could, considering my throat felt like a furnace.

"Yes, Bella?" He replied with a grin splitting his face. It was a nice face, too.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" I asked, still trying to get my shit together.

"You do realize you have been sitting here for the last five minutes saying _pockets_, right?"

Oh. Right. I was verbalizing that shit, wasn't I?

"Yeah, well, whatever. Make fun of the city girl who geeks out over your killer weed. See if I ever mooch off you again." With a jut of my chin, I stole a glance and saw him grinning at me. "Besides, it's not like you'll be able to make fun of me about it again since you won't be able to find me," I replied.

Yes, victory was mine. Until I realized he was the one smoking me out, and who the hell runs away from someone with killer weed?

"Oh, you want to bet, Pockets?" He egged me on.

I glared. "Yes."

"There's this place in town that serves liver and gizzards..." Edward rolled his window down, then leaned over to roll mine down as well.

"I'm already not liking where this is going," I muttered, pulling my knees up to my chest.

Edward shook his head. "If I can find where you live, you have to eat the liver and gizzards."

"And if you don't?"

"I'll lick the plate clean."

I was pretty sure I wanted him to lick something else.

"Fine. You have yourself a deal."

"So, I'll pick you up tomorrow, then? At the old Stillwater place?"

"That works. I don't think I have anything else to do except- wait. Fuck you!" I narrowed my eyes in suspicion and wondered how the hell he knew where I lived. "How the hell do you know that?"

"I don't know if you failed to notice, but there are, like, three-hundred people in this town. Word gets around pretty fast when someone new moves into the area."

Yeah, high or not, I totally walked into that one.

"I'm actually surprised you moved into that house. It's been empty for as long as I've been alive," Edward stated with a flicker of...something. A flicker of mischief? Whatever it was, it spelled out_ trouble _for me.

My voice dropped significantly as I asked, "What do you mean it's been empty as long as you've been alive? There is a bed, a couch, and some other furnishings in there," I reasoned, wondering why I suddenly felt a chill run down my spine. "Someone had to have recently lived there."

"A family moved in there about ten years ago, but I think they only stayed for about two months before they just up and moved," he stated, looking thoughtful. "Come to think of it, they left in such a hurry I'm not surprised they left a few pieces of furniture behind..." Edward trailed off, staring through the windshield at the cornfield in front of us.

Why did I have a feeling I _really _didn't want to know why the family left so suddenly? Why did I also have the feeling he was going to tell me regardless?

"...thirty years."

"What?" I interrupted, because damn it. If he was going to tell me something about the house I was living in, I wanted the hear the whole story. "Wait...do I want to hear this? I don't know. You look kind of worried. I feel worried. No. No, I want to know. Fuck it, I want to know."

"Bella." Edward flicked on the headlights, casting a dim glow on the cornfield in front of us. He gulped, Adam's apple bobbing, and it was so motherfucking hot.

"Fine. Continue with what I'm sure is going to have me seeking therapy in the very near future," I drawled as I sat back against the bench seat of his truck, the leather sticking to the back of my thighs.

He eyed me for a second, waiting to see if I was going to have another outburst before settling in beside me, much closer than before.

"Did you see that store across the street from the gas station? The one that was pretty run down?" he asked, pointing behind his head. I looked over his shoulder and squinted my eyes, but I couldn't really see anything.

I tried to remember from earlier. ""You mean the dump with the partially caved roof, covered in graffiti?"

Edward smirked and continued. "So, the Stillwater's, Hollis and Maddie, they owned that store. That store is actually where the name of the town came from, but I'll let Jasper fill you in on that part later. He'd kill me if I took away the chance for him to talk about the history of Intercourse."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, so they owned the store and the house. So what?" I asked, getting a bit irritated because I still had yet to find my Smarties.

"They ran that store back in the 70's. It was really popular back then and did really well. They liked to show off their money, which is why they built that big ass house you now live in."

It really was a huge fucking...piece of shit. Well, it was _now._

"About eight years later, times started getting tough and the Stillwater's were having to tighten their purse strings, so to speak. Old Ms. Stillwater wasn't too happy and there were rumors she was getting some extra cash under the table, if you know what I mean," Edward stated, winking at me.

Ew. Old lady poon. Gross.

"Well, one day she just vanished into thin air." Edward's voice dropped significantly. I couldn't stop the chills that covered my arms. "Mr. Stillwater didn't kick up too much of a fuss about it, so everyone just assumed she had ran off..." he trailed off in a whisper, moving closer to me.

Shit, I didn't like this. I really, really didn't like this.

"About a month later, Mr. Stillwater got sick and was admitted to the hospital. Everyone felt awful for him with the store doing so poorly and his wife running off, so they all decided to pitch in and help with running the store and taking care of the house for him."

"But what about Old Lady Stillwater?" I asked with wide eyes.

"I'm getting there. One morning, one of the ladies who worked down at the bakery went to the Stillwater's store to open up. While she was cleaning up the back room she noticed something smelled...off."

Oh motherfucking fuck. No, no, no.

"Edward, wait," I interrupted. I didn't really need to know this, right? I could come up with my own ending, because all of my shit talking about wanting to know the whole story? Yeah, I was reconsidering that shit right about now.

"Calm down and just let me finish. Don't be such a baby," he huffed.

Crossing my arms, I inhaled a deep breath and braced myself.

"The old bakery lady decides to clean up a bit, right? Just to help out. But the smell just won't go away. She starts nosing around further in the stock room and notices a freezer. She thought maybe some meat had gone bad; she opens the freezer and guess what she finds?" Edward stopped talking and focused on my chest heaving up and down. I didn't want to know any more. I didn't_ need _to know any more!

"I don't want to fucking guess. I don't want to fucking know." I rambled as he smiled sinisterly. All I wanted to do was go back to New York. I would rather go back to that shady strip club and and fall on my face a thousand times before letting him finish this stupid story.

"Mrs. Stillwater."

The breath I had been holding left my body in one big _whoosh_.

"Thirty seven pieces of her; chopped up limb from limb and stuffed in the bottom of a deep freezer. The police found the other fifteen pieces of her in an iced tub in the house you now live in."

The silence was deafening. I couldn't believe I'd moved to Slaughter Town, USA. Not that I really even liked Intercourse, but now I fucking hated it.

Edward, oblivious to my freak out, continued with his story.

"They found Mr. Stillwater guilty of killing his wife and he was sentenced to death. Since they didn't have any family, the store just kind of closed down and the house went back to the bank. They finally sold it ten years ago to that family, but once they starting noticing creepy things happening around the house and learned of what happened to the owners, they got the fuck out of Intercourse."

I was breathing heavy. Holy fucking shit. What had Charlie gotten us into? I couldn't live here! I was too young to die! Maybe not that young, actually. But I didn't want to die. Not yet; not before I...did something.

"That Buick out in front of the gas station? It was Ms. Stillwater's. You're the first person to drive it since her death..." he trailed off as I covered my mouth in shock.

The car_ did_ smell funny, and the house...shit. Oh, no. "I was sitting in the tub! Oh my fucking shit, I was sitting in the tub Old Lady Dead Bits was in!"

"Oh my God," he gasped, turning redder by the second. "You..should see...your face right now!" Edward shuttered between fits of laughter.

Hold the fucking phone. Did this asshole just play me? No fucking way. Hell no. Bella Swan doesn't get played like that.

"You trucker hat wearing faggot!" I screamed. "Tell me you did_ not_ just make that shit up?" I demanded.

"Did you pee your pants?" Edward asked, wiping at his eyes. "You totally fucking peed your pants, didn't you?"

"No," I lied. Because, yeah, I did pee my pants, just a little. But I wasn't about to admit that. So instead, I jumped out of his truck and began walking to _my_, not dead Mrs. Stillwater's, car.

"Hey, chill," Edward called out, running in front of me. "I haven't had that much fun in years."

"Who comes up with shit like that? And on the spot, no less? You're a real fuckhead," I snapped and walked along the side of the gas station.

"It was a joke. I didn't think some city girl would spook so easily."

_Some city girl?_ His words felt like the fucking ice cubes that preserved Mrs. Stillwater's hacked up body pieces. His words were...exactly what I needed. A slap back to reality.

"Thanks for the weed. See ya around."

"Hey!" Edward called out, but not following me this time. "You still lost the bet, and I'm holding you to it! Hope you're hungry tomorrow."

Screw that, I was _so_ not eating liver and gizzards.

_I'm never getting in that tub again.  
><em>

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><p><strong>AN: Still with us? Good. Pic teasers on Twitter every Monday. Updates will be every Tuesday. ****Thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

You know those people who can watch horror movies and sleep peacefully through the night, with all of the lights off and zero nightmares?

I wasn't one of those fucking people.

As I drove home, I paid more attention to the rear view mirror than the road in front of me. Not safe, I know. But I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was following me. Damn Edward and his stupid ghost story.

As I pulled up in front of the dark house, I cringed. Every single light was off and I was suddenly tempted to sleep in the car. Until I heard a coyote or _something _howl. Then my ass was running inside like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck.

I had no key, but luckily, the door was unlocked. Yeah. Cause that's safe, Charlie. Let's just leave the doors and windows unlocked. Not like anyone was going to break in. _Country_, my ass. Has he not seen any horror films? Did he not realize that most murders occur in the country because less people can hear you scream?

I wasn't certain if that was actually true, but I _was _certain I was getting zero sleep tonight.

_Damn, Edward.  
><em>  
>I must have dozed off at some point because the next thing I knew, Charlie was standing over me on the couch, the sun shining a little too bright through the curtain-less windows.<p>

"Sleep well?" Charlie asked a little too chipper for my liking.

"Pretty sure I fell asleep when the sun rose," I mumbled. It was the truth. I made sure to wait until it was light outside to let myself fall asleep. Fuck if I was going to let some leather-face, chainsaw-toting fucker attack me when I was vulnerable.

"That's too bad. I slept sound."

_Well, congratu-fucking-lations._

"Feed me," I practically begged, pulling out a pack of crushed Smarties from underneath me.

"I just milked the cows, so you have fresh milk waiting for you in the kitchen." Charlie winked. _Say, what? _"Only the bestest and freshest for my Bells."

The fucker was high off his ass.

"You're joking, right? Because honestly, after everything you've pulled, I wouldn't put it past you to have purchased a cow or two," I uttered as I sat up from the couch, wincing as my neck and back tensed up.

Charlie laughed, or geeked out in my opinion, pointed at me, then left the room.

Twenty minutes later, my hunger pangs were in full force as we drove into town to grab a bite to eat at the local diner. We were seated and served our food within ten minutes. I wasn't sure if that was due to really great service, or really shitty frozen food.

"Excuse me?" I asked the waiter, who seemed to be more interested in his book, _Meeting in the middle; The History of Intercourse,_ than actually, you know, _waiting _on us. "Can I have a fork, please?"

Putting his book under his arm, the waiter walked over and asked, "How about a spork?"

"Spork. Fork. I don't give a fuck what utensil you bring me, as long as it's not the one in your pants."

"Bella," Charlie scolded. "You'll have to excuse her."

"Yeah. I'm not used to interacting with others. I was released from the asylum just yesterday. Now, may I please have a fork?"

The look on the waiter's face was priceless. If I was going to waste my time here, I was at least going to make it interesting. I got my damn fork and refrained from stabbing it in my eye. No need to cause a scene.

After we ate the shitty diner food, which I'm pretty sure was less appetizing than the manure we saw on the way over here, we made our way over to the -_drumroll, please_- Piggly Wiggly. It's actually a grocery store and not a place where you'd find fat women hula hooping to "Who Let the Dogs out".

"Welcome to Piggly Wiggly. You two good?" A midget wearing a red employee vest asked. Okay, so she wasn't a midget. Borderline, though. Her long black hair, teased within an inch of it's life, added at least a foot, I swear.

It took me a second to realize she wasn't asking if we were 'too good', causing a rather awkward pause in this would be conversation. I nodded, indicating we were fine. Not that she noticed since she'd already turned and started walking in the other direction.

_Well, alrighty then_. So much for that good ole southern hospitality.

We made our way though the store, picking up enough food to last us through the rest of the week. Charlie was pleased with the selection of foods that met his weird ass diet, which basically meant it was some sort of nasty reproduction of the real product. I mean, exactly what the fuck were meatless meatballs? If it's meatballs you want, why the hell would you buy some that don't have any meat?

As we strolled over to the bakery area, I saw a picture hanging on the wall of the girl who greeted us when we walked into the store. It revealed that her name was Alice and that she was the employee of the month. _Huh. _As I studied the picture I noticed that she had a small, albeit reluctant smile on her face and that her eyes were...red? Was Alice the Piggly Wiggly greeter a smoker? Interesting.

My pondering was interrupted by a friendly voice calling out hello. I looked up and was shocked to see one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen in real life. And that's saying something considering I was from New York. She definitely knew how to work a hairnet.

I looked over to Charlie and wasn't sure if the glazed look on his face was the lingering effects of his wake and bake, or the blinding smile of the girl behind the counter. Please, God, let it be the weed.

"Can I interest y'all in some yeast products? " The blonde said, a smile plastered on her face.

"Uh..." I blinked and turned to Charlie, who didn't seemed phased by her words.

"Hmm..." he perused the bread, buns, and...other yeast products behind the glass.

"Can I make a suggestion?"

Why the fuck not? I tried really hard not to roll my eyes. But I couldn't help it. Charlie didn't even eat bread unless it was gluten-free shit.

"Sure, why not?" Charlie laughed. I didn't.

Glancing at the selection in front of her, she said, "You look like you'd be a fan of buns."

"What makes a person look like they'd be a fan of buns?" This had me curious, because it was a weird thing for her to say.

"My sticky buns are the best in three counties," she drawled.

"Are they now?" I snorted. Apparently award-winning sticky buns were something to brag about.

She nodded, trying to keep herself from shaking with laughter. "Yes. I promise. You can ask anyone."

"I believe you."

She winked at me and I suddenly got it. She was totally fucking with Charlie. And it was kinda awesome, in a completely disturbing way. I might like this chick.

"So, how about it? Would you like a half dozen?"

"Go ahead and make it a dozen," Charlie said before looking at me. "Will that be enough?" I tsked. He was letting his munchies talk; amateur move.

"I'm assuming these aren't gluten-free sticky buns?" I questioned and the Award-Winning Sticky Bun girl shook her head.

Charlie scowled, smoothing his beard. "Oh, what's a sticky bun or two going to hurt?"

"Your ass, that's what," I said seriously, causing Charlie to wince as he obviously remembered the last time decided to be normal and eat real food like the rest of us. I pitied the guy; his body obviously hated him. Everyone deserved a sticky bun now and then without having to shit like a cheerleader dieting on Ex-lax before prom.

The girl behind the counter shook her head trying to appear apologetic, but the smirk on her face and the gleam in her eye let me know she was just trying to keep her shit together. I grabbed the dozen sticky buns from the girl whose name tag read Rose, because fuck if these weren't going to taste awesome after my afternoon blaze, thanks to Charlie's not-so-secret stash.

Charlie checked out while I walked out to the car; I'd hit my limit with people interaction for the day.

We drove to the house in silence, save for the sound of the car's engine which sounded like it was about to explode or something. Apparently it was supposed to sound like that, according to Charlie. I had a feeling he knew less than I did about cars. As I stared out the window, the realization I was stuck in the God forsaken hell hole was beginning to sink in.

Helping Charlie bring the groceries inside was not on my list of things to do today. It was a fucking workout, I swear. Not because it was strenuous or anything, but because it was so hot and humid out I felt like I was suffocating. I could only wish.

I stared out into the open yard, dust swirling around me and sticking to my skin. The heat was registering over 110, while the humidity in the air did its best to stay neck and neck with the temperature gauge. Surely this was hell.

Loud bass caught my attention and I couldn't stop gawking at the truck pulling into my driveway with wheels as tall as me, and a rebel flag flying off the back. I couldn't bring myself to process that the boy who had ruined my entire night of sleep was standing in the back of the monstrous truck.

My eyes stayed on him, unable to look at anyone else who may be in the truck. Edward smiled big and bright, intent on killing me with southern charm.

I had other ideas...like killing him with my bare hands.

I blinked, frozen in shock as the truck came to a stop. Edward grabbed the roll bar on the back of the truck and stood, swinging his long legs over the side of the truck bed and landed smoothly on his feet. Fuck that was hot. As he began to move towards me, I snapped out of my daze and remembered that I was pissed at this asshole.

After an hour of listening to every creak and groan last night, I was forced to turn on all of the lights in an attempt to sleep. Between the weed's lingering effects of paranoia and lying on a shitty sofa in a shitty house, I was in no mood for this bullshit.

I flew from the porch, meeting him halfway and jammed my finger into his chest.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Edward?" I spat, as I pulled my hand back and placed it on my hip. He stood there for a moment looking unsure before a small smile morphed onto his face.

"Ah, come on Bella. You're not really mad at me are ya?" he asked with a full smile this time.

My mouth fell open as I stared at him in disbelief. He just stood there like what happened last night was nothing. _Nothing._

"Are you kidding me right now with this shit?" I demanded. "After you scared the ever loving shit out of me last night, I had to come home to this creepy fucking house. A house that is practically empty except for some raggedy ass furniture that people left ten years ago. I don't even have television or internet to distract myself with when I hear crazy fucking noises all night long!" I seethed.

"So, yes, _Edward," _I hissed, "I am still fucking mad. I've been uncomfortable, scared, and alone with no sleep all thanks to you and your fucking story." I was so done with this conversation.

As I began to turn, I made it up two of the porch steps before he gently placed a hand on my elbow to hold me in place.

"Wait. Give me just a second, okay?" Edward asked as he released my elbow and took a step back. He pulled his hat off and ran a hand through his hair, letting out a big breath.

I nodded in agreement, more so because I wanted to stare at him without his hat on. If I thought he was good looking at night, Edward in the daylight with the sun reflecting off his hair was a sight to behold. I wanted to touch it, and grab it, and push his face between my...and I need to stop that thought right there.

His look was apologetic as he said, "Look, I really didn't mean to upset you so much, okay? It was a bad joke and I never should have done it. I blame the weed. You know it slows brain function and can make you say and do stupid things, right?" He asked and yes, yes I did know that, but that wasn't the point.

I looked and felt like shit this morning, and he was partially to blame. _That _was the point. I think.

Edward stepped closer to me before tilting his head back and to the side a little with a half smile on his face, looking playfully apologetic and cocky at the same time. He bent his knees a little, so he was more eye level with me, making my mind fuzzy.

I was pissed at him, right? I couldn't seem to remember the reason all of a sudden, so whatever it was couldn't have been too important.

With one step closer, he tugged my finger playfully, causing me to stumble forward until our foreheads were almost touching.

Looking directly into my eyes, he whispered, "Seriously, Pockets. I really am sorry."

And I was fucked. So utterly fucked, it wasn't even funny. The look in his eyes was so devilish, I almost blushed. That is, if I were a blusher, which I wasn't.

We were totally going to have sex. But that thought was cut short as I watched him reach into his pocket and pull out a joint.

"Peace offering?" he asked, holding it out towards me.

I really wanted to stay mad, but he _did _seem sorry. Also, his smile was kind of nice, and that weed was _so_fucking good. Ugh. This guy. He's one smooth motherfucker, I'll give him that.

A strange feeling crept into the pit of my stomach. One that was telling me he was going to complicate things for me in the long run. But I shut that part of my brain off for now and nodded my ascent.

"We're good then?" He asked with a smile spreading across his beautiful face.

I knew something else he could spread, and it just so happened to be my legs. Not the point though.

Without my consent, because my brain and heart were feisty little fuckers who never agreed on anything, a smile crept across my own face in return.

"Yeah, we're good. You just better not ever do something like that to me again," I added with a lift of my brow.

Edward, even after knowing him for less than a day, accessed me in a way that made me squirm. A mischievous look gleamed in his eyes again and I knew right then it would _not_be the last time he fucked with me. Unfortunately, it also dawned on me that I didn't even care.

Someone cleared their throat behind him, causing my eyes to shift over to the truck. It was then that I noticed we had an audience.

"Well, shit, Eddie. I didn't know you fancied the crazy type." A guy, who looked vaguely familiar, stated.

But that wasn't possible, right? I didn't know anyone here. And what the fuck did he mean _crazy_? This fucker lived in a town named Intercourse, _hello_?

Edward looked over his shoulder in confusion at the hillbilly fucker who'd insulted me. Well, shit. Even _confused _looked good on him.

Hillbilly made his way over to us and as I got a better look at his face I realized exactly why he called me crazy. In New York, I wasn't used to having to worry about the shit that came out of my mouth because I knew I'd ever see that person again. Apparently in Intercourse, repeatedly meeting the same people was a common occurrence.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Jasper?" Edward asked still seeming confused...and pissed? Was he mad Hillbilly called me crazy? I'd have to file that away to dissect later.

Jasper? I remembered the conversation with Edward last night and his mentioning a friend's weird obsession with Intercouse. _Shit. _Spork Guy was Jasper. Spork Guy thinks I just got out of the crazy house. Spork Guy was a terrible nickname.

"Well, when I met Miss Bella this morning at the diner, I was under the impression she'd just got out of the loony bin," he drawled. "I'd be careful giving her eating utensils if I were you Eddie, unless they come from your pants, that is." He finished with a snicker.

Motherfucker. Me and my mouth. Is this what Charlie was always going on about? What you say can come back and bite you in the ass? I thought he was just baked. Ugh.

I looked over at Edward, who still had no idea what was going on, and sighed.

"It looks like my ability to speak sarcasm is better than I thought. Either that or your friends really are fucking stupid." I finished with a roll of my eyes. Edward, looking a little less confused and a little more pissed, turned his glare on me.

"Bella, I'd appreciate it if you would not insult my friends. And Jasper, where the hell did you get the impression that Bella was fucking crazy?" He asked as he put the hat back on his head. I groaned in protest.

Edward smirked. I wanted to lick him.

Jasper, deciding to completely out me and my big mouth, turned to Edward and said, "This morning at the diner, Bella told me she was just released from the asylum..." He trailed off seemingly realizing that I may have been fucking with him. Dumb ass.

"And you believed her?" Edward asked incredulously.

"In my defense she did mumble something about stabbing herself in the eye," he shrugged, shooting a glance in my direction.

Good grief, I really needed to quit that shit. _Inner monologue_ meant inner, Bella. Fuck. I needed to remember that.

Edward looked back and forth between the two of us before shaking his head.

A girl laughed and shifted from out behind the passenger side door before walking forward. "I met Bella and her dad today, too. Although I didn't get any cool stories about crazy houses, just her dad's bowel issues with buns." It was the really pretty girl from the bakery, sans hairnet. Rose, I think? Jeez, did I meet the entire population of Intercourse today?

"Sorry. I had used up my quota of sarcasm by the time I left the diner this morning. Plus, you distracted me with trying to sell your buns to my dad," I added cause that shit was just too funny to let slide. She laughed again, seemingly unfazed by my smart ass attitude.

Shrugging, she smirked and said, "Just trying to do my job is all."

"While this conversation has been rather fascinating, how bout we go somewhere and smoke this joint, huh?" Edward was apparently losing interest in this fuckery. Not that I could blame him. I'd had about enough of the chit chat myself.

"So, you've met Jasper and Rose, what about Alice?" Edward asked as he pulled me in the direction of the truck.

"Uh, I think so," I started as I noticed the top of someones head sticking up from the middle of the front seat of the truck. I'd know that wall of hair anywhere. Alice looked over to me and with a nod of her head said hello. And that was it. What was this chicks deal?

"Alice just doesn't talk much," Rose whispered as we climbed up the attached step ladder to the bed of the truck. Damn this thing was high off ground. I wasn't a fan of heights, for obvious reason. I wondered if there were pigeons in Intercourse...

Jasper and Alice sat in the cab, so I was stuck with Edward and Rose in the back. Which was fucking weird because I'd never ridden in the back of a truck before. Was this even legal? We didn't do this shit in the city.

As we drove towards town, Jasper seemed to take only back roads, leading me to believe we were about to partake in something fun. Edward pulled out the peace offering joint and gave me a big smile.

"You want?" he asked. As if that were even a question that needed to be answered.

I nodded, stealing a glance at Rose, whose eyes were as bright as mine. "Is it the same shit we smoked last night?" I questioned as my hair blew around my face.

"Nah," Edward said with a smirk. "That was Skunk Red Hair. This..." he said, bringing the joint to his lips, "...is New York Diesel."

Narrowing my eyes, I watched in awe as he inhaled before handing me the joint.

I reached out and said, "New York, huh? You're making me homesick, asshole."

Edward exhaled with a cough before he began laughing. "Then smoke that; it'll make you feel better."

It was quiet for a few minutes as we passed the joint between the three of us. He was right; it did make me feel better.

"So, New York, huh?" Edward wiped his eyebrow.

"Yeah." I slid down and laid on my back. The warmth of the sun along with the wind made me feel super relaxed. Well, that and this killer bud.

"What the hell are you doing in Intercourse then?" Rose asked, eyes glazing over.

My reply was some sort of snort as I thought of some bullshit to spew. "That man you saw me with earlier? The one with the nasty ass beard? Yeah, I lied, he's not my dad." Rose listened intently and Edward was already smirking. "He kidnapped me. Figured Intercourse was the best place to hide out."

"And he allows you to leave the house?" Edward asked seriously.

I closed my eyes and said, "Yeah. He's real chill."

Edward bumped his foot with mine and said, "He's chill despite the fact that he kidnapped you..."

"Exactly."

"Well, I see your sarcasm quota has been refueled. Guessing it runs on Diesel?" Rose snickered.

Who would've thought a chick that lived in Intercourse would speak my language?

I slowly sat up and pulled my knees into my chest as Edward knocked twice on the window, catching Jasper's attention.

Jasper slid the window open and Edward handed him the joint.

"I'm hungry," I mumbled. That shitty ass diner food barely held me over.

Edward squinted and said, "Don't you worry. We're going to feed you, all right."

"Yeah?" Licking my lips, I asked where we were going.

"It's a surprise." He winked.

And fuck, was it ever. We pulled into the dirt lot of some roadside shack. Imagine the likes of a place where serial killers drop off leftover body parts. Yeah. That's exactly what this place looked like.

"This doesn't look like a place I'd like to eat," I said as I jumped out of the truck. "In fact, it doesn't look like a place where animals would even want to eat. What the fuck are you trying to do to me?"

Edward shoved a hand in his pocket and chuckled. "Come on." He said draping his other arm over my shoulders as we walked inside, the rest of his friends following behind us, trying not to laugh.

We crammed ourselves into a booth, the torn fake leather sticking to the back of my thighs.

"Why do I feel nervous right now? Should I be nervous?"

Jasper grabbed one of the plastic menus and said, "You won't need a spork, that's for damn sure. This food here is finger-licking good."

I cringed.

A waitress walked over to us, pen behind her ear and asked what we wanted to drink.

"I'll have bottled water," I said without thinking.

"We have tap," the waitress said with a blank stare. "You're not from around here, are ya?"

"What gave it away? The fact that I have all of my teeth?"

"Why don't we order our food?" Edward interrupted. "Bella here," he tilted his head to the side, "will have the liver."

My heart stopped. Serial killers. Leftover organs. Fuuuck.

"Isn't she supposed to eat liver _and_ gizzards?" Alice piped up, seemingly finding her voice.

"That's right. Thanks, Alice," Edward said with a smile and handed the waitress his menu.

"Anything else?"

"No, I'm pretty sure none of us will have an appetite after watching her eat." Rose cackled as the waitress walked away.

"Hey, at least after that teeth comment you'll know for sure there will be spit in your food. Sometimes it's hard to tell," Edward said as he bumped his shoulder with mine.

I slunk further down in the booth. "Fuck you guys."

"Hey. A bet's a bet. If I lost, I'd eat the liver and gizzards with a smile on my face." I somehow doubted that. "You should be grateful I let you smoke beforehand."

Yeah, that was pretty nice of him. Although I was almost certain New York Diesel couldn't make this shit tasty.

Two minutes passed before the waitress was back in front of our table. She set the plate down in front of me with a smile that definitely let me know she spit in my food.

"That was quick..." I whispered as she walked away.

"This place _is _known for their service," Jasper joked. I took note he kept his eyes on me and away from my plate.

"Damn, Ed. You didn't even give her the luxury of eating it fried? You're all kinds of fucked up." Alice said, giving me a look that said _good luck. _I wasn't going to need luck; I was going to need a fucking bucket.

"I could've had this fried?" It still didn't sound appetizing, but at least batter of some sort would make this easier to swallow. I stared in disgust at the brown and gray slop sitting before me. "You know I'm going to hate you forever, right?"

Edward handed me my fork. "Eat up."

"All of it?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "At least half. We can take the leftovers to Emmett later."

Whoever the fuck that was. Half I could do...maybe. With help from God.

_God, please let me keep this down, at least until I get home. If you love me, which you must since it's not my liver sitting here on the plate, let me be able to keep this shit down.  
><em>  
>Ignoring their blatant snickers, I dug right in. The first bite wasn't that bad. Meaning I didn't puke all over the table. People did this shit all the time on Fear Factor. No big deal. I could do this.<p>

The second forkful had me doubting myself. It was...rubbery. And salty. And fuck my life.

"I have faith in you, Pockets," Edward whispered right before I shoved the third bite in my mouth. It was suddenly gritty. Why the fuck was it gritty? The other bites weren't gritty.

Forcing myself to swallow, I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand.

"Should we make her drink the broth?" Jasper suddenly asked.

"For the love of God, shut the fuck up!" I snapped, suddenly feeling queasy.

"Give her a break," Rose added, sticking up for me. "She's been a trooper. Plus, you two never thought she'd do it in the first place."

"Yeah, Rose is right. We don't wanna kill the poor girl...yet," Edward replied as if I weren't sitting right next to him.

"Gee, thanks."

Edward's draped his arm over the back of the booth, causing my stomach to turn. Not in a butterflies sort of way, but in an _oh shit I'm about to blow liver chunks all over the table _way.

"Okay, okay. Put the fork down." Edward leaned close to my ear. "Enough torture for one day."

The guy had a heart after all.

"You people...are sick!" I blanched, my mouth filling with spit- my own and the waitresses. "How do you sleep at night?"

Edward removed his arm from behind me and said, "Easy. My house isn't haunted." He let out a nervous chuckle when he noticed my deadly glare. Which suddenly turned into a watery glaze.

"You don't look so hot," Alice noted as she pointed at me.

"Don't you know you're not supposed to say shit like that if someone looks like they are about to blow chunks? Because they will definitely blow chunks after you mention it," Jasper scolded.

I crawled over Edward, struggling to get out of the booth. Running to the bathroom as if I were Charlie, post-sticky bun, I busted through the door that was hanging off the hinges.

One look at the toilet was enough to keep me from getting near that thing with my ass, let alone my face. I leaned over the sink, held my hair back and waited. My mouth began to water and my stomach tightened. I sucked in a deep breath and that was all it took, as the smell from the food and stench from the bathroom, that clearly lacked any kind of ventilation, hit me. My vision blurred as liver and gizzards erupted from my stomach looking no different than before I was forced to eat it.

Oh, God, and the smell. I puked again. I was dying, I was sure of it. Death by gizzards; what a way to go.

As my vision cleared and my threat of dying faded, I grabbed a napkin and wiped my mouth. Looking at myself in the mirror, I let out a weary laugh as I surveyed the bathroom. The sink and floor were covered in puke.

I firmly believed in karma: bitch spits in my food, I puke in her bathroom. Now we're even.

With once last glance at the damage I had done, I shook my head and bounced.

_I'm never betting against Edward again...  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** **If you're thinking about trying liver & gizzards, we do ask that you please be careful****. Thanks for reading. See you next Tuesday! & no, we aren't calling you the C-word, we really will see you next week.**_  
><em>


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>

I walked out of the bathroom to find Edward waiting for me. _Super._

Having just puked my guts out, I was in desperate need of water and a toothbrush. I covered my mouth with one hand and held out my other hand in front of me letting him know it was _not_ okay to come any closer.

He looked at me and frowned before taking a step back.

"Hey. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to get sick." He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Shit, both times we've hung out together I've had to apologize to you for something."

I smirked because, damn, he was just too cute. And I was pretty sure I was still a little high.

Still keeping my distance, I said, "I'm not upset. But I did just puke whole liver and gizzards and I'm pretty sure my mouth smells like dead ass right now," I finished with a laugh, because really? Fucking gross.

Edward grinned at me, reminding me of his easy laid back attitude, and reached into his pocket pulling out a pack of gum.

_Thank you, God. Even though you didn't keep me from puking...thanks. For the gum. And for other things, like...Chick Fil A.  
><em>

I popped the piece of heaven in my mouth, hoping to wipe out the lingering taste of puke. At least, until I came across a toothbrush.

Following Edward back towards our table, the group came into view and they all began clapping. _Slow_ clapping.

Assholes. It was funny, but...assholes.

I flipped the fuckers off, causing them all to bust up laughing before I remembered we needed to get the hell outta here.

Karma or not, I did _not _want to be around when that waitress went to the bathroom and found the food she had served me to be returned to her in such a regurgitated manner.

I may have been bad ass and all, but this woman looked worn; like life might've been just a little bit tough on her. And she kicked its ass for it.

Clearing my throat to gets everyone's attention, I said, "Uh, guys? It's great and all that you're having such a wonderful fucking time laughing at my misery, but I really think we should be leaving. _Likerightnow_," I sputtered.

I discreetly looked over and noticed the waitress was looking at me funny before she cast glance towards the bathroom. Yep. She definitely heard me blow chunks. This place was the size of a holding cell.

"What did you do?" Rose asked, a huge fucking grin spreading across her face. She knew _exactly_ what the fuck I had done. I cut my eyes to hers and she doubled over in laughter. "You didn't!" she gasped.

Looking between the two of us, Jasper asked, "What are you talking about Rose? What'd Bella do?"

Edward, catching on as he noticed me watching the waitress make her way towards the bathroom, looked at me with wide eyes before cracking up as well.

Great. _Miss Rode Hard and Put Up Wet_ was about to come out here and carve out my poor liver for the next schmuck who eats here while these assholes stand here laughing. Fucking stoners.

We all knew the exact moment the waitress entered the bathroom by the slamming of the door and the loud fucking scream that followed.

Edward, who reacted first, grabbed my arm and started yanking me towards the door. "Come on you mother fuckers." He laughed. "Bella's about to get us shot!"

At that, the entire table jumped to their feet like their asses were on fire and sprinted for the door. By this time, all of us were laughing so hard we could barely breath and some of us may or may not have peed a little. I should probably get that checked out; Intercourse had been rough on my bladder.

Just as we made it to the truck, the door to the shack flew open and a very irate, very scary waitress came running after us. As I climbed up the ladder, I faltered on the last step because, fuck, this bitch looked like she was ready to kill me. My clumsiness caused me to slightly fall back onto Edward who was coming up behind me.

"Come on, Bella. Move!" Edward grunted, putting both hands on my ass as he shoved me up into the bed of the truck.

Well, that was not the way I wanted to reach second base, but I'd take it.

Rose pulled me over to her while Edward scaled the side of the truck falling in on top of us both. As soon as his body cleared the side of the truck, we heard a wet sounding splat followed by a muffled curse.

Peeking over the side, we saw a large pot fall to the ground as the waitress ran after us screaming god knows what. Sorry, honey. I don't speak redneck.

As we reversed out of the lot, I looked towards the front of the truck and lost my shit all over again. It seemed we had been bombed. Jasper had the windshield wipers on full speed as, what looked like, liver and gizzards in gravy went flying over the tops of our heads and on both sides of the truck.

Curses could be heard coming from Jasper as the rest of us laughed till there were tears streaming down our faces. _Ho-ly fuckin' shit._ That was epic.

As gravy and gizzards rained down over the top of us, Edward pulled off his hat, twisted up my hair and shoved it under the hat as he pulled it onto my head. Did he just- oh my God. He just...covered my hair to keep from getting gizzard juice in it. That was..._sofuckingsweet_.  
>We're totally going to have sex.<p>

I looked over at him and smiled because _this_ guy. He's killing me here. Then he just shrugged, like it was no big deal. And winked. Who fucking winks?

"Oh my God, Bella." Rose laughed, wiping goop off her face. "Where have you been all my life? I think I love you." She sighed, patting my cheek and wiping her hand off at the same time. Gross.

I swiped my palm across my face inspecting the mess before sneaking a sly glance over at Edward who was watching me intently. He narrowed his eyes at me and scooted a little further away.

"Nuh uh, Bella. Don't wipe that shit on me," he scolded, trying to look stern. Yeah, not really working for him. I lunged forward just as Jasper hit a pot hole, sending me flying into the air and landing on top of my intended target.

Well, I don't see how that could possibly have worked out any better.

As Edward put his arms up to catch me both of my palms landed on his chest. Well_ someone _had been lifting hay bails. I looked down and realized my goopy hand was now firmly on his peck. It was a nice peck, too; I may have given it a little squeeze before sliding down his chest to his abs to wipe my hand off.

Okay, there wasn't that much goop on my hand, and it was completely unnecessary to run it down the length of his chest, but seriously why the fuck wouldn't I? _Exactly.  
><em>

Edward tensed, and his abs contracted as he Iet out a shaky laugh. Instead of pushing me away, he pulled me closer so his mouth was directly by my ear.

"You better watch it there, Pockets. You're playing with fire. You keep touching me like that I can't be held responsible for my actions," he whispered. And sweet mother Mary of Jesus I think I just came.

With a chuckle, he finally pushed me away, but the look in his eyes told me all I needed to know.

I totally just said that shit out loud. _Fuck._

I felt a kick to the back of my calf and turned around to see Rose looking very amused. "Well, damn. Watching you guys is like watching soft porn; just enough to get you going but not enough to slide into home base," She finished with a quirk of her brow.

I let out a rather loud laugh, fucking dying because I still hadn't gotten a handle on that inner monologue shit, and turned towards Edward who was smiling widely. He just tilted his head to the left and lifted the same shoulder in a half shrug and smirked at me like he hadn't a care in the world. Did this guy do anything that wasn't hot?

"Not really," he answered all smug and shit as Rose doubled over _again. _ I'm so glad I can amuse these fuckers.

Edward, taking pity on me, leaned over and knocked on the back window getting Jasper's attention. Alice's head popped up like a damn gopher, her hair catching in the wind and waving like the flag hanging from the back of the truck, and grinned at him.

"Sup Eddie?" she asked, smiling. Smiling Alice was really pretty if you could get past all that damn teased hair. Her gray eyes were super bright with the nice red accent color.

Edward rolled his eyes and threw an arm up to protect himself from the onslaught of whipping hair. "Can you tell Jasper to head to the store?" he asked. Alice nodded and flopped back around in the seat.

"Are you guys heading out?" Rose asked, trying to pull her hair back. Bet she wishes she had that damn hairnet right about now.

"Uh..." Edward looked over to me and I nodded cause, yeah, some one on one time would not be a hardship. "Yeah, I guess so. You getting up with Em later?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to stop by and see him at work then head home. I have to work in the morning," Rose answered as we pulled into the parking lot of the gas station.

"We'll catch you guys later then," Edward said as he helped me down from the truck and waved to everyone. We said our goodbye with promises to get together again soon, sans gizzards and puke and flying gravy and...you get the fucking point.

"So..." we said simultaneously before laughing.

"I would really like a fucking toothbrush if you have one in the store," I finished before him, because there was no way what he was going to say was more important than that.

"Sure." He laughed and turned, walking in the direction of the store. I kinda just stood there for a minute because I think this was the first time I'd gotten a good look at his ass. It really just wasn't fair; this fucker was too pretty for words. And his jeans? I wanted to bite him...everywhere. Well, not everywhere, I wasn't trying to put him out of commission or anything.

A loud whistle pierced the air, and my eyes snapped to Edward who was standing with the door open, shaking his head.

_Yeah, yeah. Yuck it up asshole._This guy had me making a complete fucking fool of myself.

Shaking my own head, I followed him into the store where he mercifully handed me a travel kit with both toothpaste and a toothbrush. After taking care of some much needed hygiene, I walked out of the bathroom and found Edward standing next to the counter with his arm propped on top of a case of beer, grinning like a fool.

"So, do you have anywhere you need to be?" he asked.

"Nope," I answered. "My dad is working on getting all of his licenses transferred from New York and the moving truck isn't expected until tomorrow, so...I'm all yours," I finished with a sly smile.

He nodded his head toward the door and said, "Lets go listen to some music, drink some beer, and waste some gas then."

Grabbing the case of beer, he locked up the store and we made our way over to his truck.

"You don't have to, like, work or anything?" I questioned, because it was a little odd he could just leave the store unattended in the middle of the day.

"Nah. Ben's shift starts at four, so we'll be good," Edward explained, opening the passenger door for me. "I'm in charge of music," he said before handing me the case of beer.

I glanced at his stereo and nodded. "You win this one. I doubt I'd be able to find anything good on the _two_ radio stations in this town."

Edward snickered as he hopped in the cab and reached down by his feet, producing a black cord.

"What's that for?" I asked.

"This..." Edward leaned over me and popped open the glove compartment, "is so I can play my iPod through the stereo."

"That thing is huge!" I laughed in shock. "Sorry. I don't think I've ever seen a first generation iPod. At least not in person. I've only heard about them."

"Laugh it up; I love this thing. We've been through a lot together."

"What kind of music do you have on there?" I questioned, trying to reach for the iPod.

Edward pulled away and shook his head. "No way. You said I could choose the music _and _you insulted my iPod. There's no way you get to choose the tunes now."

Well, what the fuck ever. I scoffed as I reached between us to open the case of beer.

Edward started the ignition, hooked up the iPod up and rolled down the windows.

"Ready?" He asked with a smile and I handed him a beer.

"Yep."

An all too familiar tune began blaring through the speakers. Edward bobbed his head as he pulled out of the gas station.

"Why. Why. Why," I repeated while shaking my head.

He frowned and asked, "Why what?"

Chugging my beer, I wiped my mouth and said, "Why did you choose this song?"

"Van Morrison is legit. Come on, Bella. _Laughing and a running, hey hey._.."

My eyes narrowed as he acted like he hadn't a care in the world, singing along to his stupid song.

"Brown Eyed Girl? Really?"

"Yeah. I thought it was appropriate. You do know you have brown eyes, right?"

"So I've been told."

"_Our hearts a thumpin' and you, my brown eyed girl."  
><em>

I laughed, but only because he was singing terribly out of key. "You are so fucking lame right now, you know that?"

"How is this lame? You should be swooning over this shit!"

"Ohhhh, so this is this how you get all the ladies?" I crossed my arms and stared out the window. Not that I cared if he...whatever. It didn't really matter what he did to get girls.

"You have to admit, it's pretty good." Edward ran his hand through his hair before sipping his beer.

"Right."

"Oh, come on. Don't act like you don't like this song, Bella! Sing with me." Edward kept one hand on the wheel as he set his beer between his thighs. "Sing!"

Shaking my head, I refused. "No."

"Bella..." Edward pulled onto a dirt road and gassed it. Dust floated around the truck and he reached over to grab my shoulder, slightly shaking me. "I bet your voice doesn't suck."

"That's a bet you'd lose," I said sarcastically. "Since you do this all the time with the ladies, why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Who said I didn't have a girlfriend?"

I glared, popping open a new beer. "Well? Spit it out, Cullen."

"Lighten up. I don't have a girlfriend; not anymore, anyway. We dated for a few months, did the prom thing and all that shit, but I didn't want to be tied down."

"You totally you broke the poor girls heart, didn't you?"

Edward kept his eyes on the road, but smiled and asked, "What about you? Leave some poor schmuck behind with hope that you'll reunite some day?"

"No, fuck that," I spat.

"Whoa. Nice reaction. Wanna hand me another beer?"

Opening the beer for him, I discreetly bobbed my head to the music and sighed. "Your longest relationship?"

"Six months," he replied easily. "You gonna tell me why you moved here?" I shook my head. "Fine. Your longest relationship?"

"I've never been in a relationship before," I admitted, which caused him to snort beer through his nose.

"Never?"

"I don't like too many people. They annoy the fuck out of me."

"Shit," Edward said, wiping his mouth. "You were the creepy girl in elementary who sat by herself at lunch and didn't get any Valentine's cards, weren't you?"

"You got all of that from me simply saying I've never been in a relationship? I don't think I'm the one with problems. And I've dated around, just never been with anyone for longer than two weeks."

Edward grinned at me. "Is that because your voodoo dolls were only good enough to last for two weeks?"

I laughed a little too hard and said, "Fuck you, Edward. My voodoo dolls are not that shitty! I can get at least a couple of months out of them. You have no faith in me."

He barked a laugh, breaking the tension the air. "Oh, I'm just joking with you, Pockets. Grab yourself another beer and chill, will ya? It's a nice day. Don't kill your buzz."

"I'm not creepy, by the way." I mumbled, having to get in the last word.

"For the record, I don't think you're creepy," he said in a soft tone. "You forget I live in Intercourse; I'm used to crazy fuckers, so..."

"Thanks. That was really sweet, dick."

"I try." He turned his head in my direction and grinned.

His free hand snaked around my neck, pulling me closer to him. I obliged, of course. Why the hell wouldn't I?

Our legs were touching, and my breathing picked up and then...he ran over something in the middle of the road.

"Shit!" He yelled, turning his attention back to the road.

"Oh fuck. Oh fuck!" I shrieked. "What was that?" I turned around to look out the back window as Edward slammed on the brakes.

"I have no idea."

"Was it a dead body? Oh my god! You ran over a dead body."

"Doesn't 'dead body' indicate they were already dead? Just...hush and stay in the truck, okay?" Edward said calmly as he jumped out, slamming the door behind him.

Like hell I was staying in the truck! I wanted to see the dead body Edward ran over.

"Have you ever seen _I Know What You Did Last Summer_?" I asked as I exited through the driver side door.

Edward turned around and said with a smirk, "You have bad movie taste. Stay in the truck, please?"

"What?"

He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. "Bella. This could be serious. Just please, stay in the truck."

I sat in the truck, staring out the windshield to see what the hell was going on. Edward stood in front of the truck, hands on his hips and bent over to examine whatever he had hit.

Shaking his head, he made his way back to the truck and assaulted me with sad eyes. "It's bad, Bella."

"What?"

His tone was dark as he said, "It's really bad. I think I killed someone's mother."

My heart stopped. "You...what? Stop joking."

"I'm not joking, Pockets. Get out and hand me the shovel from the back of my truck, will ya? We need to remove the body; it's still partly under the truck." I barely reacted. "Bella." Edward shook my arm. "Look alive."

Well, that was shitty choice of words.

Grabbing the shovel, I took a few steps towards him, keeping my eyes away from the grill.

"Should we say a few words?" Edward asked as he brought his hand to my shoulder. "You should start."

"Okay." My voice shook as I handed him the shovel, keeping my back to the truck. "Um, hi. We just wanted to say sorry for, you know, killing you. Even though I'm not sure why you were out in the middle of this dirt road. And...it's not like we were driving that fast, so you probably could've had time to get out of the way, but..."

"Bella," Edward cut me off, grin plastered on his face. "You're blaming a poor, innocent victim for not getting out of the way fast enough?"

"Why are you grinning, you sick bastard? I'm just saying you were driving, like what, forty miles per hour? That's not even...come on!"

Edward doubled over with laughter, dropping the shovel to the ground.

"Why...what-" I turned around and looked under the truck.

"You fucking-" he laughed harder, tears streaming down his face. "You suck. You suck, you're never going to speak at my funeral. Never."

"Oh, you're about to fucking have a funeral, you asshole! I can't believe you! It was just a possum? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Hey." He stopped laughing. "It could be someone's mother. I never said I ran over a human. You came to that conclusion on your own."

"You!" I screamed and reached for the shovel.

Edward brought his hands in front of his chest and said, "Think about what you're doing, Bella."

"Who's laughing now, asshole?" I yelled as I chased him down. "You can't keep," I panted, "fucking with me like this!"

"Why not?" He asked easily, barely out of breath. I ran faster.

"Because one of these days something really is going to happen and I'm not going to believe your lying ass!" I caught up to him and smacked his ass with the shovel, causing him to fall to the ground. "Take that," I said defiantly before he pulled me down onto him.

"Hey," he said, holding me in place. "I don't lie. I just like to joke around with you, that's all."

Narrowing my eyes, I cracked a smile because, okay. It was pretty funny. I never realized how gullible I was until Intercourse. It had to be the killer bud that was making me so stupid.

"Fine. I forgive you."

"I didn't apologize," he said seriously. "But okay. Thanks."

"Well, screw you then!" I said, fighting my way off of him to no avail.

"How pissed would you be if I kissed you right now?" Edward suddenly asked as he stared up at me, my hair falling in his face.

"Um..."

"Cause I'm pretty sure you've reached your quota of being pissed today, so I wouldn't want to add one more thing to your list, and you are kind of scary when you have a shovel in your hands, but I really just want to kiss you, so is that-"

I brought my lips to his, shutting him the hell up. Because he was cute 99.9% of the time, but that did not include the times he rambled.

"...okay." He finished his rambling before letting his head fall back against the dirt road. "Wow."

"Wow, what?" I asked smugly.

"I thought you'd be a better kisser than that. Especially having lived in New York. I don't know..."

"Huh?"

"I'm just saying, you look like you have experience, and then you just disappoint."

"You motherfucking-"

"Pockets." Edward laughed, bringing his finger to my mouth to shush me. "I'm fucking with you." He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled my head down, meeting my lips with his. "I fucking love your lips."

I pushed my hips against his once, before he rolled us over so I was lying on my back. I didn't care if my back was going to be covered in dirt, I just wanted him.

"I want you," he murmured in my ear, reading my fucking thoughts.

The sun was fucking beating down on us and I was pretty sure we were about to have sex in the middle of the road. I didn't care. I'd let him fuck me out here.

He forcefully turned my head to the side and began kissing and humming and, fuck, his stubble was tickling my neck. I opened my eyes and realized I was staring at the undercarriage of his truck.

"Edward," I whispered. "Something is watching us."

His head snapped up and he stared in the direction I was looking.

"Oh, shit. I forgot about the little guy." Edward dropped his head to my chest and began laughing, his body shaking on top of mine. "We should really...you know..."

"Fuck?"

Edward kissed my neck and stood up. "No." He walked a few feet and picked up the shovel I had attacked him with.

Sitting up, I sat on my ass in the middle of the road and watched him rescue the dead possum with the shovel, tossing it in the bed of the truck.

Hell. His ass even looked good when he scooped up dead animals. Dusting his hands off on his jeans, he walked back to the front of the truck and reached down to help me up.

"We have to make a quick stop," he said, dusting my ass off for me.

"Where?"

Edward frowned slightly. "It might be easier if I show you instead of trying to explain it.

"By the look on your face, I'm going to take your word on this one."

"Good thinking, Swan."

Edward pulled into the parking lot of Stitched or Stuffed: Vet Clinic and Taxidermy Shop. He gave me a sly smile. "You ready to see some crazy?"

I eyed the sign. "Sure," I lied.

"I'll be right back." Edward hopped out of the truck and ran inside, only to return two minutes later with some guy following behind him.

"You said you had a present for me..." the guy eyed me and said, "But you know I prefer blondes..."

Edward smacked the back of his head and said, "No, fucker. She isn't your present. Bella, this is Emmett, the weird fucker who works here."

Emmett held out his hand, dimples appearing on his cheeks. "Put'er there."

"Hi. So, you work at a vet clinic slash taxidermy shop..."

"Yes ma'am. Either way, you get your pet back."

"Catchy." I snorted.

"Well, don't hold back just because Bella's here. Go take a look," Edward pushed Emmett in the direction of the dead possum.

"Well I'll be damned," Emmett said with a grin as he stared at the dead possum. "Look at you, Eddie. And it ain't even my birthday."

Edward rolled his eyes at me, looking all too amused.

"You name it yet?" Emmett asked seriously. "You know naming these poor little guys determines the stuffing process."

"Not yet. We do need to teach Bella how to hold a proper eulogy though. She was lacking a bit in the sensitivity department," Edward teased and draped his arm over my shoulder.

I glared. "Fucker! You had me thinking it was a human you ran over!"

"Exactly." Edward brought his face closer to mine and laughed. "If you thought it was a human being we ran over, you should have been a little more sensitive!"

"You two are fucking weird," Emmett said as he pulled a pair of latex gloves on, picked up the dead possum and stroked its head. "It's okay," he murmured quietly. "We'll take care of ya."

Emmett took his glove covered hands and pulled me into a hug, the dead possum's head a little too close to mine for fucking comfort. "Thanks, guys."

He released me and I stood there in fucking shock.

"Well?" Emmett asked as he walked towards the clinic. "What are y'all waiting for? Come on, now."

Edward shrugged, looking sheepish and said, "Actually, Em, you're gonna have to enjoy this on your own. I need to get Bella home."

"Fine, fine." Emmett winked, and I found it hard to keep my eyes off the dead animal in his arms.

As we climbed in Edward's truck to leave, I stared at him in awe with how nonchalant he was about all of fucking weird shit that had happened to us today._  
><em>

_I'm never giving another eulogy to a possum again.  
><em>

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><p><strong>AN:** **No possums were harmed while writing this chapter. Although several bottles of wine were, in fact, killed**


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five<strong>

After one crazy fucking day, Edward pulled in front of my house and put his truck in park. "So, when do I get to see you again? Without a shovel in your hands, of course."

"Hm." I pretended to think for a second. "You'll see me again when I need another pack of cigarettes."

"Funny."

"So I'm told."

Edward nudged my shoulder. "No. Seriously."

"The movers are coming tomorrow, so I'll be pretty busy unpacking and shit. Maybe I'll see you around in a few days?" _  
><em>  
>"Yeah. That works," he said, pulling me to the middle of the seat in one swift move. "I really had a good time with you today. God it feels so much longer than a day." He pulled back and said, "Not even two days here and you've already made Intercourse so much better for me." He laughed with a smirk.<p>

"You've been holding that one in all day haven't you?" I asked with a shake of my head, shoving into his side. Of course I was smiling though, because there's no way he came up with that on the fly.

"Maybe."

"Uh huh. I need to get going, Gizz."

Edward froze. "Uh, what?"

I tried, and probably failed, to look as innocent as possible. "Gizz. What's wrong? Don't you like your new nickname?" He let out some sort of chuckle and I rolled my eyes. "You know, like Gizzard?"

"You're mean."

"And you're the asshole who made me puke, so...I really don't think you have any room to hate on your nickname."

"Fine," he pouted as he pulled me closer and tilted my face to his.

Bringing his lips to mine, he kissed me softly, tangling his fingers in the hair at the base of my neck and rubbed his thumbs softly under my jaw. It was sweet and sexy and _new_, with soft lips and gentle caresses. It was perfect and made me want to jump him right in my front yard.

Before I could come up with a plan to do just that, I saw the lights flicker on in the house and knew that the jumping would have to wait until later.

"I have to pull some extra shifts at the store this week, so how about when you get everything you need done you stop by and see me." He said as he released the grip on my hair.

"Sounds good," I called out and hopped out of the truck and ran into the house.

Barreling through the front door, I slammed it shut behind me and stood there for a minute replaying everything that had happened in the past forty-eight hours.

Charlie had moved us to Intercourse in hopes that I would calm my wild ass down. Little did he know, the kids out here were just as prone to find trouble as the ones in New York. They apparently just had a lot more open space to hide their fuckery.

I liked the people I'd met so far, especially Edward. Christ, did I really almost have sex with him in the middle of a dirt road with a dead possum watching us?

I thought of New York and all of the shit I could've been doing right this second instead of staring at the dirt covering my shoes. The parties, the endless drugs, the...cold stares. Selfish assholes who only care about what's in it for them. It sounded...awesome, right?

And, alright. Who exactly was I missing in New York? Laurent? Victoria? _Fuck no._

I missed...the energy. Go ahead and laugh it up. I know that sounds ridiculous. But it was the truth.

Some may argue, but the subway was my favorite thing about New York. Not the smell of vomit or the homeless people, but the way everyone would cram into one small area and not feel the need to strike up a fucking conversation.

I had a feeling if I walked the streets - okay, _street _- of downtown Intercourse right now, even though it was barely six in the evening, nothing would be going on. No whores peddling for blow jobs, no street vendors trying to sell knockoff Prada bags, not even a tumbleweed dared to meander through the deserted streets of Intercourse.

With a sigh, I walked through the foyer and into the kitchen, unnoticed by Charlie. I cleared my throat to get his attention.

He looked up from some papers he was reading and greeted me with a nod. "You eat anything yet? I was thinking about-"

Oh, God. The mere mention of anything going in my mouth...I gagged.

Literally. I gagged.

"What the- are you okay?" Charlie asked hesitantly.

"Yeah." I swallowed. "Yeah." I think.

Charlie held his arm out as if he was going to...I don't know, karate chop the puke that might spew out of my mouth?

"At ease," I said slowly. "I'm not hungry." Nor will I ever be after today's incident.

Charlie gave me a timid smile before informing me the movers would be here in the morning. Early morning. He stressed that for some reason. As if I'd be sleeping until noon or something.

I had a feeling I wouldn't be getting much sleep in this house. _Ever_. No need to worry about my ass sleeping in.

"Yeah, yeah. I remember," I said in annoyance.

Pause. "Remember what?"

I frowned and...and just fucking frowned. "You've already told me twice that the movers will be here tomorrow."

"Oh. Of course." Charlie laughed, but there was no humor behind it. Because he was probably still fucking confused.

Had the old man finally gone and burned out what few brain cells he had left?

"How's the job search comin'?" I questioned, trying my best to change the subject.

"Not too bad. I applied for a job that opened up at Hill Hospital in York for a hospital psychologist. They are just waiting on all of my licensing information to come down from New York before we meet."

"God luck with that. I'm sure there are plenty of crazy ass people around here to secure your job for well over the year I'll be here," I said, extremely happy that Top Ramen would not be on the menu since Charlie had found a job.

"Bella, there are some perfectly nice people around here," Charlie scolded looking much more stern that this little conversation warranted.

"And who would that be Charlie?" I asked, completely goading him. I knew he hadn't met anyone since we arrived.

"Well..." he trailed off and...hold the phone. Was Charlie..._blushing? _What the fuck? Who had he talked to? I needed to get to the bottom of this shit pronto.

Before I had the chance to question his strange behavior, Charlie started talking like a kid who just popped some Adderall he'd stolen from his younger brother who had ADHD. Let me just say that having a dad who had been stoned for most of my teenage life and was very mellow- this was quite the change.

"Well, uh. There is this doctor at Hill Hospital, and uh...her name is Jane. She's offered to show me the ropes and give me a tour around town if I get the job," Charlie finished in one breath looking like a fifteen year old blowing his first load. EW. And just...ew.

"I bet she'd love to show you the ropes," I snickered.

Charlie stared at me in confusion. I wasn't exactly sure why the dude looked so confused.

"You're just being silly now."

"Yeah, well, good luck trying to talk all the cows into organic grass." I sighed.

"Well, if you don't want dinner, I'm probably going to call it an early night. You sleeping down here again?"

Well, I obviously had no choice. It was either the couch or the Buick. "Yeah. I guess it's just me and the couch again tonight." And old Mrs. Stillwater.

I slept like shit. We can leave it at that.

"Rise and shine, porcupine."

"Why the fuck," I groaned.

"Bells. The movers are here."

"As if I couldn't hear them and their Nelly-loving asses. How many times can a person subject themselves to "Hot In Herre"?" I yawned, pulling the pillow over my head.

"I honestly have no idea what you just said. But you need to get a move on," Charlie said, nudging my shoulder. With his foot.

Sitting up, I threw the pillow at his retreating form. "Jeez. Okay. I'm up. What now?"

"You can start unpacking boxes," Charlie yelled from the foyer. "Just don't open any boxes labeled 'Oscar the Grouch', okay?"

I wanted to ask. But I didn't, not really.

Ignoring the blatant stares and ogling of the movers was harder than I thought it would be. Sure, it was almost funny at first, until one of them whistled when I bent over to pick up a box.

Yeah. It was disgusting. So, I decided to fuck with them. Cause that's what I do.

"So...hey." I winked. And held back the vomit rising in my throat. Cause ew.

"Hey mama. How you doin'?" And then the greasy fucker winked back.

Shit.

"Oh, you know. It's so fucking hot. Out here. You boys look thirsty..." I licked my lips.

The mover dude took a step closer to me, quickly glancing inside the house. Maybe to check if Charlie was occupied. Maybe he actually thought I was going to...I have no idea. Fuck him right here?

"I could go for something wet."

I quickly grabbed a bottle of water sitting on the railing of the porch.

"Oh, I definitely think I can help you out there," I said seductively, "I happen to have something very _wet._" I purred with a devilish smile. There was no way this asshole was stupid enough to think I was really talking about me at this point.

When I noticed that he was close enough for me to see his pupils I realized that yes, yes he was that stupid. Fucking moron.

My foot shot out and just happened to land right in his junk, none too lightly either. He yelped and double over as I dumped the contents of the water bottle on his head.

"Keep your fucking dick in your pants, asshole. You don't look, you don't touch. Do you fucking hear me?"

And with that, I skipped down the steps of the porch to see...Edward. Standing near my car.

"So, you're into the tattooed, greasy type, eh?" Edward chuckled, looking too amused for his own fucking good.

"Oh, God," I groaned, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him away from the house. "That was so embarrassing."

"No. Really. The way you licked your lips and worked the cleavage. That was funny. And hot."

"Well, I had to fucking mess with them. They've been assholes all day long," I snapped, glaring at the porch.

"Do what you gotta do."

"Why are you here anyway?"

"I came by to give you the bad news." Eying him, I asked what the hell he was talking about. "The possum didn't make it."

"Wha-"

"Yeah. It was touch and go for a while. But I was giving you the heads up, in case you wanted to work on your eulogy? Cause...not to be rude, but what you said yesterday kind of...well, it sucked."

I stared at him in confusion. "You're an idiot. You came all the way here to tell me that a possum I already assumed was dead is dead?"

"Yeah. Pretty much." He shrugged, smirked, and looked fuckable all at once. Who knew the dude could multitask?

We were totally going to have sex. Soon. I hope.

"Well. Thanks, I guess. That was...fucking odd of you, but thanks."

"Yep. I have to go work now. Good luck unpacking and hitting on the movers."

Edward turned to walk towards his truck, not giving me a chance to say anything else.

"You're- that's not even what I was doing! Fucker!"

Why the hell did he even come all the way here, anyway? I knew it couldn't have actually been to tell me about the possum. That fucker died on impact, and we both knew it. I didn't care about a damn cock-blocking possum.

"Bells?" Charlie called from the porch. I flipped Edward off while he backed out of the driveway and walked over to Charlie.

"What?"

"We need to talk for a second," he said seriously.

I glared at the movers. "What the fuck? I wasn't _actually _coming on to them! My God, can't anyone around here take a joke?"

Charlie eyed the movers who shrugged in return. "Um. Should I be worried?"

"You think _now _is the time to start worrying about me? Too little too late."

Charlie frowned and motioned for me to follow him inside. "I talked to the judge this morning."

"Good for you."

What I really wanted to ask was whether or not the judge had finally found a new supplier. Not that Charlie was aware, but I came home early one day to find him and Judge Collin out back smoking the reefer on the back porch. And I'm only using the term reefer because that's what Judge Collin said. He told Charlie it was the best reefer he had smoked in a while.

The saddest part was that I walked right in front of them, even had a minute of conversation about Pop-Tarts, and Charlie apparently doesn't remember.

"Good for me, I suppose. Not so good for you, young lady."

I liked the sternness he added at the end of that sentence. It was laughable.

"Can we get to the point here?" I asked in an overly sweet tone.

"Let's just say you're lucky Judge Collin and I go way back."

"How far back? Like...back porch _back_? Or maybe Woodstock?"

"Why...what- no. You've been acting stranger than normal ever since Intercourse, Bells."

"You keep using this town's name in sentences that are entirely inappropriate conversation to have with your daughter."

Charlie thought for a moment, seeming to realize his choice of words was going to have me looking for my own psychologist in town.

"Is this a good news/bad news scenario? I'd like to hear the bad news first."

"Okay, so the bad news is you have to complete eighty hours of community service in three months," Charlie said in one breath.

Holy shit. Well. Okay, three months. That was like...well, I was never exactly a math whiz or anything, but it sounded doable. I think.

"Kind of shitty, but okay. Good news?" I put my hand on my hip and waited.

"Oh. The good news is you aren't going to jail."

"I...kind of already knew that."

What the hell was with today and people telling me shit I was already aware of? First, Edward and the possum. Now this?

"I took the liberty of setting up where you'll work off your hours. There weren't too many places in town accepting volunteers of the...delinquent type, but I did find a place I'm sure you'll enjoy." Charlie handed me a piece of paper. "There's the address and directions on how to get there. I told them you'd stop by in a couple of days to get acquainted."

"That was just peachy of you, Charlie. Thank you. Your kindness is overwhelming," I drawled sarcastically.

"Come on, Bella. Try to make a good impression, okay? Last thing I need is for you to make a bad impression on Intercourse."

And with that, I walked out the room and headed upstairs to get started unpacking my room.

Over the next couple of days Charlie and I got all of our things unpacked and settled. It was really strange having all of our out furniture in this creepy fucking house, but at the same time it made the house, well, less fucking creepy. The best thing was unpacking all of my camera equipment. While this place was definitely not New York, it did have a certain homely appeal, both the people and the town. I could work with this, change up my portfolio. Photograph some cows gettin' busy.

I'd have to have Edward with me for that though. Not in hopes of getting him turned on or anything thing, I'm not into any kinky shit like watching animals go at it. No, mean I'll need to be pretty fucking stoned for that shit and Charlie's stash just wasn't as good.

I stalled as long as I could before Charlie decided to go all parental on me and put his foot down about going in to get set up for my community service. I relented, only because I had run out of things to do at this point. I grabbed the paper with the addresses and contact person on it and hopped in the Buick.

Eighty hours? Shit. That was going to feel like an eternity. Hopefully it would be something easy like sitting with little old ladies or stuffing envelopes.

As I followed the directions, I thought about how lucky I was to get off as easy as I had. Thank God the judge over seeing my sentencing was a friend of Charlie's.

I made my way down the road and realized that this area looked very familiar to me, which made me a little nervous considering the places I had visited so far. As I pulled into the parking lot of the business I was to spend eighty hours of my life, I could only shake my head at my shitty luck. I mean, really, what were the fucking odds?

I sighed and opened the door to my personal hell to be greeted with the weirdest shit I have ever seen in my life. There were...possums..._everywhere_.

I didn't understand. I thought this was a veterinary slash taxidermy office, so why did it look like a shrine to possums? There were posters of possums on the wall, stuffed animals both real and fake, ceramic figurines and...was that a possum snow globe? Jesus Christ whomevers shit this was is a complete fucking weirdo.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, out walked Emmett. Great. I had to deal with this freak on top of all the other shit on my plate.

He looked at me with a startled expression on his face. "Hey Bella, what brings you by here?"

"Uh.."

"Oh, I know," Emmett interrupted, "You wanted to see the possum that you and Edward brought in yesterday, yeah? We just got CB all finished. You wanna see?" He asked with a friendly smile.

"CB?" I asked, because that was really a strange thing to call a possum. And why the hell would I want to see it? What had he done to it?

He laughed, "Yeah. CB. You know, cock blocker? I heard he did a very good job considering how very dead he was."

I stood there gaping at him because I totally thought that possum was a cock blocker! And...shit, wait. Apparently Edward had told him about our little roll in the...well, I really wanted to say _hay_, but that would just be a lie. Roll in the dirt was more like it.

I was pretty fucking sure I was pissed about Edward divulging our little encounter to Emmett. What did he do, come back here and brag to his friend that he almost fucked the new girl after only two days? That's some bullshit right there.

A throat clearing brought me from my murderous red haze as I turned my glare towards Emmett.

"Are you feeling okay Bella, your face is all red..." he trailed off looking confused before his mouth dropped open and his eyes got huge. "No, no, no," he said, holding his hands out in front of him. "It wasn't like that at all."

"Like what?" I interrupted. "So Edward didn't come over here last night after he dropped me off to brag to you about how easy the new girl was going to be?" I seethed.

"No, it really wasn't. I promise. Just let me explain before you tear out of here and off my buddy, okay?" He begged, looking scared that I was about to really go murder his friend. I still hadn't completely ruled out the idea.

"Five minutes. You have five minutes to explain to me why I shouldn't leave here right now, track down Edward and Chuck Norris his ass into next year." I crossed my arms over my chest and waited.

"Okay first, I think I might love you for referencing Chuck Norris, but we'll come back to that later." he said grinning. I rolled my eyes waiting for him to continue.

"So yes, he did come by here last night after he dropped you off. And yes, I'm pretty sure it was to talk about you," I opened my mouth to interrupt but he rushed on before I could, "but, it wasn't the way you're thinking. He stopped by and pretended it was to see if I needed any help with the possum," he scoffed. "Like I would need any help taking care of my babies."

I raised an eyebrow at that because, well that was just fucking weird.

"Anyway, I asked him about you, we all knew that a girl our age was moving here with her dad, but not much else. He told me about your uh...lunch and the _tip_ you left the waitress. And then her attempt to _thank you _for it." He laughed. "I always miss the good shit, I swear." He sighed before continuing.

"Edward said that after the guys dropped y''ll off that you went riding around on back roads and talking, he was fucking gushing like a damn woman." He rolled his eyes and I gave him a pointed look that he needed to move this shit on along.

He tsked, "Testy! He honestly didn't give me all the details, although the way he was talking about you I was surprised he didn't."

I smiled to myself a little at that. It was easier to be a little less pissed when I thought of him gushing about me like a girl instead of a guy holding his junk while he bragged about the girl he almost banged. I guess Emmett could tell he was wearing me down because the serious expression on his face loosened and his posture relaxed a bit.

"He just told me that you guys kissed, and that things started to get a little out of hand before you pointed out that there was a dead animal that needed to be dealt with. That's all I promise. Well, and that you say shit out loud a lot when you think it's just in your head." He added with a smirk on his face.

And what do I say to that? I _do_ do that shit all the time. Hell, Rose could have told him that. But that didn't explain why in the hell the possum's name was cock blocker. Why would Edward name it that and not give more details?

"So why did he name it cock blocker then?" I asked.

"Oh he didn't," Emmett chuckled. "I figured there was more to that story than ole Eddie boy was telling me so I named her Cock Blocker to see what kind of reaction I would get."

"And what reaction was that?"

"The fucker punched me in the arm!" he yelled, comically flailing his arms in the air. "Then he told me I better not call that fucking possum Cock Blocker ever, because he didn't want to have everyone thinking the wrong thing." He laughed, giving me the side eye at the same time. It was odd, and funny.

"So why did you then?" I asked confused.

"To see if I was right and there really was more to the story than Edward was telling. And by your reaction to the name, you just confirmed my suspicions, so thanks for that!" He cracked up again at that and I just stood there trying to process what the fuck just happened. I had just been tricked by a sneaky, possum loving redneck. Shit.

"That's not funny you know," I said, pissed that I fell right into that shit. I uncrossed my arms and put my hands on my hips. "If I didn't have shit I need to do I would totally go Chuck Norris on _your _ass."

"I'd like to see you try."

"I'll have to get back to you on that one. Believe it or not, I didn't come by to see that dead little possum fucker. I'm actually looking for a..." I paused, pulling the paper out of my pocket and read the first name I saw. "Mr. McCarty."

Emmett's face lit up with a huge fucking grin and a gleam in his eye that I gotta admit, kind of fucking scared me.

"No fucking way." He breathed like he was barely holding himself together. What was this guys deal already?

"_You_ are the volunteer who will be helping around here for the next couple of months? Oh my God this is too good to be true." He laughed.

"How do you know about that?" I asked panicked. Why would he know anything about that. No one was supposed to know about my community service here except the owner.

Emmett walked closer to me and stuck out his hand for me to shake. "Mr. McCarty, nice to meet ya." He said with a nod of his head. Jesus fucking Christ, what else could possibly go wrong today.

I dropped my head down at my own rotten luck and absentmindedly shook his hand. Which of course made him laugh at me. Obviously.

"How much do you know?" I asked warily "And before you think about pulling another stunt like you just did to get me to spill the beans, please don't," I said as sincerely as I could. I really wasn't ready for everyone to know my business just yet, and the way the boys here clucked like a bunch of old hens I was sure everyone one would know in a matter of no time.

He eyed me for a second before lifting his chin slightly in agreement. "All I know is that Dr.C said he was expecting someone to start volunteering here today and that they would be helping out for the next couple of months," He explained and I silently said a little thank you to God for at least giving me this.

"But," he said, eying me, "I'm not stupid. Someone doesn't just randomly decided to volunteer somewhere and clarify from the beginning that it will only be for a couple of months. You're not voluntarily volunteering are you?" He asked.

My first impulse was to lie, to go on the defensive, but he was being straight with me so I figured it was only fair that I do the same. That didn't mean I had to tell him the fucking details either. I'd give a little, but that was all.

"No." I sighed. "But I'm not going to tell you why either so don't bother asking," I said, trying my best to look intimidating. I probably just looked like I had gas from the look he was giving me.

"And I'd really appreciate it if you would not tell anyone about this, I just moved here and I want to keep things to myself for right now. I know that _you_know this is only for a couple of months, but no one else has to know that, you know?" I said in one big breath.

Emmett's eyes widened for a second, probably from the wild look in my eye, before he got that glint in his eye again and smirked. _Fucking shit_. What was it with these damn country boys always looking like the cat that caught the canary? Are they all really so bored that making my life a living hell is that entertaining?

"Just spit it out Emmett," I snapped. He raised an eyebrow at me then leaned against the counter. _Here we go._

"I'll make a deal with you. I won't say anything about you being here for a predetermined amount of time," he paused, for dramatic effect I'm sure, "but if I guess what you did to end up here you have to tell me I'm right." He finished smiling.

Shit, shit, shit. It wasn't like I did something so far out of the ordinary that he wouldn't be able to figure it out. Girl sneaks into club, does lots of drugs, tries to be a stripper and fails miserably falling flat on her face before landing in jail when said club gets raided.

Well, he may not get the stripper part, but the rest is pretty common. It's not that I'm ashamed, hell these kids down here smoke weed like New Yorkers ride the subway. I'm just not ready for all of my dirty laundry to be hung out. On the flip side, if I don't agree then he has no reason to keep things to himself. Fuckity fuck.

"Fine," I snapped. When was it going to be my turn to have the upper hand, huh? Just one thing after another. I'd have to make a condition of my own though. I needed to have control over something in Intercourse. "But you can only have one guess a day, that's nonnegotiable." I tried to sound as stern as possible, because damn it I was totally fucked if he said no.

"Sounds good." He agreed much to my shock. Maybe this wouldn't be a total loss. "I want to have my first guess now," he exclaimed rubbing his hands together.

I steeled myself for his guess, knowing that the likely hood he would guess correctly was pretty good. "Okay, lets hear it."

He rubbed his chin with his hand looking thoughtful before smiling at me. "You seem pretty feisty, so...did you find your boyfriend cheating on you, then cut off his penis and attempt to sell it on eBay?"

I stood there staring at him, waiting for him to tell me he was joking and then guess the real reason. He stared at me expectantly and when I realized that he was seriously using his one guess I doubled over laughing.

"First, who the hell still uses eBay? And second, I'm pretty sure if I cut off someones penis, I'd be sentenced to a lot more than fucking community service, dontcha think?"

That was the most insane thing I had ever heard in my life. And he knew it too, he was giving me an out. I decided right then that I liked Emmett, crazy possum fetish and all.

"Sorry, Emmett," I choked still trying to regulate my breathing. "That is not why I'm here. Better luck tomorrow." I smiled a real smile for the first time today.

He shook his head in mock disappointment and sighed. "Oh well. How about we go meet the boss man then?"

Hesitating, I eyed Emmett and the shrine of possums behind him.

"Fuck it. Let's meet the boss man."_  
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><em>I'm never going to think of eBay the same way again.<br>_

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><p><strong>AN: Reviews get a bottle of wine, our drunken love, and a peek inside ole Ed's head! Thank you so much for reading!**** Livie is in Italy this week. I'm not jealous at all.** **Not crying myself to sleep at night while she walks the streets of Montepulciano**_.  
><em>

**Please make sure your PM's are turned on so we can reply to your reviews**


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Six<strong>

Walking down the hall with Emmett to meet this Dr. C person felt a little less like meeting my new employer/warden and a lot more like picking the wrong damn door in a horror flick.

Emmett tried to walk casually beside me, but there was a little bounce in his step that he couldn't hide. He was excited about something, but I was just going to meet the doctor. What the hell could be so exciting about that?

As Emmett opened the door and moved to the side, I took a step into the room only to freeze dead in my tracks. Oh my fucking God, I was going to die. This place looked like a scene out of Surviving the Game. There were dead animals hanging all over the walls. I had to get the fuck out of here _now. _

I turned to bolt out of the room only to run right smack into a wall of Emmett. Fuck this, I was not going down without a fight. I didn't let that waitress get me and neither were these psycho mother fuckers. I reared my arm back and jammed my elbow as hard as I could into Emmett's stomach. He let out an _oomph _before sucking in a breath and grabbing my arm.

"Let me go you fucking psycho!" I screamed. "My dad knows I'm here, he'll come looking for me!" I struggled to wrench my arm free but he held tight. Shit, this is what they do down here, I get it now. They treat you all kind and sweet like Kathy Bates in Misery until you try to leave then _bam_. Next thing you know they're taking a sledge hammer to your fucking ankles.

"I'm no good to hunt," I babbled. "I'm clumsy and fall down a lot. There'd be no thrill in hunting me. I'd just flail around on the ground because I'm too fucking disabled to stand on my own two feet, much less run through the woods. I can't even hang onto a pole in heels without falling flat on my face. I promise that shit has happened before." I whined pathetically. I'd do anything to get out of here. "Plus, I'm too skinny. You couldn't make a shirt out of me, it wouldn't fit you," I finished slumping onto the floor in defeat.

Death by gizzards didn't seem so bad all of the sudden.

I cradled my face in both my hands wishing I could just disappear. I wasn't going to survive Intercourse, I just knew it. It was then that I realized _both_ of my hands were cradling my face and no one was holding me. My head shot up to the sound of a booming laugh, my eyes landed on Emmett who was sprawled out on his back, his entire body convulsing with laughter.

"Jesus Christ, woman," Emmett gasped. "Are you fucking high? You have to be high because there is no way all that shit just spewed out of your mouth completely clear headed." He chuckled and rolled up on his knees wiping the tears from his eyes.

All of a sudden I felt like a complete tool. What the fuck was wrong with me? There must have been some kind of hallucinogenic shit added to that weed Edward gave me. I was completely losing my fucking mind.

A throat cleared behind Emmett letting me know that someone else had also witnessed my little melt down. I shifted my gaze over Emmett's shoulder and was met with the strangest fucking sight I had ever witnessed. Considering I'm from New York, that's no small feat.

An older man with white blonde hair wearing a white apron sat at a table near the back of the room with what looked like some kind of animal laid out in front of him.

But what was so strange were his eyes. They were fucking enormous, not like widened with surprise or anything, although I'm sure they were after the scene I just put on. But he was wearing glasses that were basically magnifying lenses over his eyes. They wrapped around his head with a light attached to the back that came up over his head like it was growing out of his spine. When he tilted his head the lenses shifted and caused one eye to enlarge even more while the light hit the other eye making it contract. It was creepy as fuck, but I couldn't seem to look away.

Emmett saved me from my stupor by hopping to his feet and offered to help me up. I tentatively took his hand and gave him a sheepish smile. God, I had just made a complete ass out of myself. Emmett turned us towards the blonde man who had mercifully removed his head gear and introduced me.

"Bella, this is Dr. C," he said cutting his eyes towards me. Just fucking kill me now, there is no possible way this could get any fucking worse. "And Dr. C., this little psycho is Bella Swan, the volunteer who will be helping out around here. I think she will fit in just fine, she has a certain brand of crazy that will keep us all entertained for quiet a while."

Great, I'd been reduced to a fucking circus monkey. At least I still have all my body parts in tact. I figured at this point it was impossible to make this situation any more awkward so I might as well jump in and start talking.

"Hi." I waved stepping into the creepy fucking room that had started all of this shit in the first place.

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you, and it seems that the information was not exaggerated after all." He said with a chuckle and a vaguely familiar smirk.

Was he laughing at me? Well shit. That's better than calling my dad and informing him I needed to be committed immediately.

I took a couple of steps closer and inclined my head towards the table. "What do you do in this room?" I asked. His eyes lit up before he glanced down at the table.

"Oh, this is where the ripping and the tearing takes place," he said, smiling. Nice. Dr. C's got jokes.

I grinned at him. "You know Tosh.O? I love that show, did you see that episode where the monkey mouth raped that frog..." I trailed off when I noticed the confused look on his face. Behind me I heard Emmett snicker and I shot him a glare over my shoulder.

"I'm afraid I don't know who this Tosh point O person is, but he sounds rather...interesting."

"Well, what did you mean when you said you were '_ripping and tearing_'," I quoted because at this point I was just really fucking confused.

"Ripping and tearing," he repeated and lifted up what I now realized was some sort of dead animal carcass. Fuck I was going to be sick. "We have to cut them open here," he pointed at what I assumed was once the underbelly, "then we have to rip and tear out all of the innards so we can get the animal all cleaned out."

He pointed over to a small pile on the other side of the table and I heaved. Fucking hell, it seemed all of the innards had become outards. What the fuck was wrong with these people?

Emmett sensing my need to flee the room right this fucking minute came to my rescue. "Dr. C., we'll let you get back to your ah, _rippin and tearin_. I'm going to show Bella around and get her started okay?" He asked backing us out of the room.

Dr.C waved us off absently already reattaching his head gear and turning his attention back to his work. How much more weird could my brain handle before it finally snapped? I was seriously afraid that I was going to find out the answer to that question sooner rather than later.

As Emmett led us down the hall I chanced a peek at him. While his posture seemed relaxed the amused look on his face was just too much to hide. I sighed. I had no one to blame for this but myself.

Fucking Intercourse. With it's creepy old houses, hacked up old ladies, suicidal possums, and crazy fucking townspeople, I had to wonder if this town wasn't invaded by aliens and all these fuckers were pod people.

"Just say it Emmett," I huffed. "I can see that you are just dying to let me have it." I waited for a beat as Emmett remained silent, then turned when I realized he had stopped walking. The look on his face was difficult to describe, it was a mix between confusion and...admiration? _The hell?_

I decided to stand there and wait until he came out of his stupor, mainly because I had no clue where the hell I was supposed to be going. He finally met my eyes and the biggest smile I'd ever seen took over his entire face, causing the dimples in his cheeks to crater.

Awe, damn Emmett was cute when he wasn't being a complete fucking weirdo with those damn possums. Which, was from what I could tell was pretty much all the time, so my window for his being cute was pretty limited.

"Bella," he said sincerely and walked towards me. "You have to understand something about Intercourse. Living here gives people a certain amount of leeway regarding the level of crazy that they can get away with. And let me tell you, over the years I have seen many, many, _many_, people push those levels to the other side of crazy town. But you, dear Bella," he said placing a hand on my shoulder, "are the craziest mother fucker of them all."

And with that Emmett pulled me into a massive bear hug so tight I was sure he going to break something. Thankfully he released me and pushed me back at arms length with his hands still firmly planted on my shoulders. "Welcome to the neighborhood you walking freak show!" He bellowed before taking off in the other direction laughing.

Asshole.

Shaking my head I turned on my heel and followed him down the hall. When I reached him at the front desk he was sorting through a stack of papers with a much more serious expression on his face.

"Alright, Swan. Let me give you an idea of what you'll be doing around here," Emmett stated and it was then I remember why I was here in the first place. Fuck, I have to work here, with the animals, both dead and alive. Would I have to help Dr. C with his rippin' and tearin'? Would I have to lug around dead possums like Emmett?

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

My dad did this shit on purpose, there had to be somewhere I could have stuffed envelopes or sat with little old ladies. I guess Emmett noticed the color drain from my face because he smiled at me reassuringly.

"Don't worry, Swan. I won't make you do any rippin' and tearin'." When I looked at him with shock because, shit, how did he know exactly what I was thinking, he cracked up laughing. "Shit," he chuckled. "You really do say shit out loud when you don't mean to."

And mother fucker, I have got to quit doing that shit. Note to self, see if I can find any self help books on not sounding like a raving lunatic.

"So, what you'll do around here will basically be helping out with the animals we have boarded because they are sick or recovering from surgery." He went on like nothing was out of the ordinary. "Some of them have certain eating and cleaning schedules as well as times they should be given medication or exercise. All of that information will be listed on a chart outside of their cage or stall. You won't need to worry about the medication, only Dr. C can do that, everything else though you can jump right in," he finished, stacking up the papers in front of him.

Well, that didn't sound too bad. I mean, giving sick animals food and water and making sure they are walked and their cages were cleaned seemed easy enough.

"Do you want to go ahead and get started today?" He asked looking over my clothes. I might as well I thought, I was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, nothing that I cared about getting dirty. Plus the sooner I got started the sooner I could be done.

"Sure." I nodded.

"Alright, well the first thing I'll need you to do is let Sunshine out so she can get a little exercise. While she's out back you can clean out her stall," he stated and led me outside and around the building.

"Where are we going?" I asked. "I thought all of the animals were inside."

"Oh, they mostly are, but Sunshine is a little bit too big for the cages we have inside the building," he said with a snicker. _Too big_? What the hell?

"Emmett, what kind of animal is Sunshine exactly?" I asked warily. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like this.

"This," he announced with a flourish, "is Sunshine." He stepped to the side and, good lord, what had I gotten myself into.

It's a horse. A really big, really scary looking horse. And _what _was that smell?

That's when it hit me what exactly Emmett had said I was about to do. Let Sunshine out for some exercise and clean out her stall. I had to clean up horse shit. Horses are really big fucking animals, which meant their shit was also really big. Shit damn fuck.

Why do I always feel like Wylie Coyote every time I speak to someone in Intercourse? I think I'm smarter, I think I have the upper hand, then the next thing I know there's a bomb in my pants and I'm falling into a fucking canyon.

"You can't be serious," I deadpanned. My hope was to make him realize that it was so far out of the realm of possibilities for me to actually clean up horse shit that I wasn't even remotely taking him seriously.

"Of course I'm serious. This shit isn't going to shovel itself." He retorted and casually crossed his arms over his chest. Shovel? I was going to need a fucking shovel to get the horse's shit up? I know something else I could do with a shovel. Fucker.

"You're not going to let this go are you?" I asked resigned. I had to do these hours or I would be Bertha's bitch in a few months.

As I eyed the stall, I began to think a little one-on-one time with Big Bertha wasn't sounding so bad right about now.

"Nope."

"Well then I hope you enjoy disappointment. Believe it or not, I totally suck at shit shoveling."

"Have you ever tried?"

"Well...no," I admitted as I grimaced. "Why would I have ever shoveled shit in New York?"

"I'll tell you what..." Emmett said slowly as he leaned forward on the shovel. "I'll hang with you for a few to make sure you get the hang of it."

Eying him, I scoffed and pulled the shovel out of his hands. "You just want to watch me shovel shit, asshole."

"Yeah." He laughed. "That too. Dig in." He winked, so I tapped his junk with the shovel, causing him to double over.

With a heavy sigh, I opened the gate and was about to step in when I was jerked back.

"Swan?" Emmett questioned. "You should probably throw these on," he said, thrusting a pair of ugly ass black rubber boots into my arms.

"Right. Of course. I...totally knew that," I lied and bent over to pull the boots on over my tennis shoes.

Totally rocked 'em. Just sayin'.

I grabbed the shovel, already feeling more confident than before. I could totally do this shit. And yes, I laughed out loud at that thought, causing Emmett to give me one crazy ass questionable expression.

So apparently it didn't matter if I said my inner monologue out loud or not. I still elicited crazy ass stares.

"Lookin' good, Swan," Emmett hollered as I took my first step into the stall.

So far, so good.

Second step wasn't too bad either. The smell was god fucking awful, but maybe it was something I could get used to.

Scratch that. Shit is not something one ever gets used to.

"Are ya gonna stand there all day or ya gonna move?"

"Can ya stop with all the coaching? I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing," I yelled as I looked back, and took another step forward tripping over a large mound of...shit.

Face first, people. It wasn't pretty.

"Yeah, you sure look like you know what you're doing," Emmett said, then fucking burst into laughter as I struggled to my feet.

"I hate you so fucking much. I-"

"You have shit, in like," Emmett motioned around his face, "this general area."

"Think you're a funny guy, eh?"

I reached down and grabbed a handful of shit and threw it in his face, mid-laugh. And yes, the shit landed in his mouth. And no, I wasn't even aiming for it. I'm not that fucking rude.

Emmett began choking and spitting and just...dying or something because he leaned over out of my sight. He suddenly popped up and looked furious. And he was a big guy. Furious looked fucking scary on him.

"What's wrong?" I feigned innocence. "I thought you'd have a...shit-eating grin right about now."

And then he lunged.

Jumped.

Over the stall.

And my life flashed before my eyes.

So I screamed like the little bitch I was.

I even tried making a run for it, which was stupid because where the fuck was I going to go? Even more stupid because yeah, I tripped again. But this time I landed on my back. You know, just to make sure I was completely covered in shit.

"You have to die now. I don't see this ending any other way," Emmett growled and gagged, but reached down to help me to my feet.

"Don't you think I've suffered enough?" I whined, searching for a clean area of skin to wipe my face on, because shit on your face? Yeah, not okay.

Emmett's smile returned and I was pretty certain he wasn't going to actually kill me. But...just to be on the safe side, I reached for the shovel.

"Wait, wait, wait," I said quickly. "Look. I know you want to kill me right now but... there are things that I just have to do first." I paused trying to come up these _things _I just had to do when an idea hit me. I smiled. "And you could help me, if ya wanted, we could be like a team."

Emmett crossed his arms. "Go on..."

"Edward's been fucking with me ever since I came into town."

"Really? I thought y'all just kissed?" He gave me a cheeky smirk and I punched his chest with my shit-covered fist. "Damn. I was joking."

"I want to get him back. But I'll need your help..."

"I'm in," he easily agreed.

"That was...easier than I thought. Why?"

"What the fuck else are we gonna do?"

Guy had a point.

"Let's go clean up. There's a hose outside. Dr.C won't think too kindly of us walking in there smelling worse than the animals."

We left the stall, in worse shape than it was before we got there, and walked around outside to find a hose.

Emmett turned the faucet on and attached the hose that was lying on the ground.

"Ladies first," he said as he pinched my cheek.

I hosed down, trying my hardest to get all of the shit out of my hair. I was pretty sure there was still shit on me somewhere, because the smell wouldn't go away, but it would have to do for now.

Emmett grabbed the hose from me and said, "So you've met Rose, yeah?"

"Buns girl? She's cool."

"Buns girl," he mused, bringing the hose above his head. "She's awesome."

I nodded in agreement and heard a car door shut as Emmett said, "Know what else is awesome?"

Then the fucker sprayed me down with the hose.

"That!" I screamed, practically drowning, "is not fucking nice!" I jumped forward, trying to brace myself from the water and grab the hose from him.

"What the fuck are you two doing?" Edward called out from behind us.

We both paused, turned around and stared at Edward.

Emmett looked down and I gave him the nod.

Then he sprayed that fucker, too.

"Shit! Dude! We've been over this before! Never throw me into bodies of water or spray me down with any type of liquid before first checking if I have a joint on me," Edward said, but he was fucking smiling.

"Well? Do you have a joint on you?" I asked, very intrigued and slightly turned on at the sight of a wet Edward standing before me.

He hesitated.

"Get him again, Emmett," I instructed, because that fucker didn't have shit on him, and I wanted my revenge.

The hose and water pressure apparently couldn't contain Edward because all I could see was his fucking wet form marching through the wall of water and...coming straight for me.

"No! No you don't," I stepped backward, hitting Emmett's chest. Emmett smirked. "Help?"

"You had your fun, Bella. You really thought I'd turn on my own homeboy?"

And then Edward's hands grabbed my waist, easily throwing me over his shoulder.

"Fuckers! I can't believe y'all!" I screamed, pounding on Edward's back.

With one hand on my back and one hand grazing the back of my thigh, Edward held me in place and marched his fine ass away from the stalls.

"Where the-" I asked, listening to Edward's light chuckle as I saw the dirt ground below his feet suddenly turn into a wooden dock.

Then we were airborne. I barely managed to scream before our bodies broke the water. Both of us went under, sinking faster than Whitney Houston's reputation. I was pissed, and I was in murky ass pond water with all types of nasty shit floating around me and...Edward's fingers entwined with mine as we swam up for air.

"That was...uncalled for," I gasped, wiping my mouth.

"You know I can smell shit from a mile away? This was for your own good," Edward laughed, keeping my hand in his under the water.

"My own good, huh?" I pulled my hand out of his and dunked his head under water.

Edward disappeared for a second longer than I felt was necessary, before I felt him tugging on my leg. Then the fucker pulled me under with him, leaving me no time to plug my nose.

I kicked out of his grip and swam back up to see him holding his nose.

"You kicked me in the face," he said from behind his hands. "That was painful."

"Shit!" I swam over to him. "I didn't mean to, I swear. I thought you were going to drown me..."

Edward looked at me, still covering his nose and said, "I was just messin' with you, Pockets. You know I'd never drown you." And then he uncovered he face and said, "But you know I would fuck with you."

"You!"

"Well, what? I had to get you back for Emmett hosing me down like that."

"Whatever goes on between you and Emmett does not have to do with me." I started swimming in the direction of the dock, only to have Edward grab me by the waist of my shorts.

"Hey. Come back." His voice was raspy as he pulled my body around and my legs just...automatically wrapped around his waist.

Stupid traitor legs.

"Your hair looks nice." He laughed, as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Ass. Let me guess, there's still shit in my hair?" I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

"No. You look pretty all wet."

And then Edward looked at me all shy and fucking sweet and I just...I mean, I was already wet but I was getting all...wet. And he just...that boy did things to me.

"You have something..." he said, looking between us, "right here." His fingers grazed my collar bone for a second and we both watched my chest rise and fall heavily.

My legs tightened around his waist, bringing him closer to me. A tiny smirk played with his lips, but his eyes never left mine and I didn't want them to.

He pushed a piece of wet hair out of my face before grabbing the back of my head and pulling me towards him. Edward's lips pressed softly against mine as his other hand lightly grazed over my breast.

We pulled apart and he said, "Did I ever mention that I'm really glad you moved here?"

"Yeah, cause now you have a new person to mess with," I said quietly, still plotting to get my revenge on him. And to have sex with him. Even now would do, really...

"It's fun to mess with you, yeah. But you're also just...fun. I don't know. I guess I thought you'd be all stuck up or something."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you're hot. And most hot girls are either stupid or stuck up." He shrugged.

"You think I'm hot?" I asked with a smirk.

"Fuck yeah I think you're hot. Have you looked in the mirror?" He asked as he ran his thumb across my cheek. "Even covered in horse shit, you make me want to bad things to you."

I didn't let him get any further; I just attacked. I wove my fingers through his hair realizing that his trucker hat was gone and pulled his face to mine. He seemed startled at first then kissed me back just as fiercely.

Sweeping his tongue across my bottom lip his hold on me tightened as I opened my mouth to him. As the kiss deepened I began to feel lightheaded. He was such a good kisser, the way he moved his mouth in sync with mine, and his tongue... God his fucking tongue, oh the plans that I had for his tongue.

I moaned at that thought, all reason seemingly leaving me as I contemplated just how quickly we could be naked...when someone cleared their throat loudly behind us.

Breaking apart I clung to him panting, weighing the odds of just continuing in hopes that Emmett would go away.

"I'm going to have to call Rose and let her know that you two have moved up a few notches," Emmett jeered. "Soft porn, my ass."

And with that Emmett turned and walked back towards the office. He and that damn possum would forever be named CB1 and CB2. Cock blocking fuckers that they were.

Edward sighed and shifted me away from him, I didn't fail to notice his hand shifting his junk either. Just sayin'.

"Well I guess we should get out of here", he paused giving me a confused look. "What are you doing here anyway?"

Fuck. I really didn't want to lie to him, but I also wasn't ready to spill my guts either.

" Uh, well...I have kinda been a pain in the ass to my dad lately and due to some unforeseen circumstances he thought it would be in my best interest to do some good Samaritan work, kind of like community service?" I finished in a question because I just wasn't sure he was buying this shit.

"So, what you mean is, you got your ass in some trouble and your punishment somehow involves working here?" Edward asked completely calling my ass out. Why in the fuck did I think I would get something over on him? He has schooled my ass every time we get together.

"You...hm. I don't-"

"Hey. It's okay, Pockets. Shit happens. If you don't wanna tell me right now, I ain't gonna push you," Edward said easily. "Pretty sure if your dad wants to torture you though, he picked the right place."

"That's for damn sure." I laughed.

"So", he started looking...nervous? "There's going to be a bonfire next Saturday night. If you wanna go we can ride together or something."

"Bonfire? Is that...safe?" I questioned, causing Edward to laugh at me. This place was a lot more brown and a lot less green. I wasn't sure lighting anything on fire was going to be a good idea.

"Well, yeah. I think so. As long as Emmett doesn't get a hold of the lighter fluid, it's all fun and safe."

"That boy is trouble," I tsked.

"Not as much as you." Edward winked. "Anyway, it's some back to school shindig. Lots of booze, some good bud. Thought you'd appreciate getting to meet a few other people before starting school."

"Sure," I agreed with a nod. Cause why the fuck not? What else was I supposed to do? Might as well mingle and smoke good bud while I'm stuck here. "That sounds pretty fucking fun."

"Alright then," Edward smiled. "It's a date."

I wasn't necessarily looking forward to volunteering at the loony bin with Dr. Dolittle, so maybe getting drunk and lighting shit on fire was exactly what I needed.

Intercourse was giving me a fucking run for my money. I, for one, was pretty fucking shocked.

_I'm never going to be able to watch "Tosh.0" again._

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><p><strong>AN:** **Thanks so much for reading! We appreciate all of the alerts & reviews**, **& we assume you appreciate the mental image of a wet Edward in the pond. You're welcome. So have any of you been to a bonfire? Some of the best parties I ever went to in South GA occurred around a 50 gallon drum filled with firewood. So, strap on, next one's gonna be a doozy! **


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Seven<strong>

After hauling our asses out of the pond with promises to get together sometime over the weekend, I booked it home for a real shower. Because I still smelled like shit. Literally.

When I pulled up in front of the house I noticed a yellow Beetle parked in the driveway. Huh. I checked my phone and noticed it was almost six. Who would be here at this time on a Friday night?

I trudged up the stairs of the front porch freezing on the top step at the sounds of a woman laughing. Who the hell? I decided to be stealthy and creep into the house to get the drop on Charlie. Because something was not right.

Coming through the front door I heard the laugh again, clearer this time and...oh my god.

What the fuck was that?

It sounded somewhere between a donkey braying or having its nuts cut off. It could go either way, seriously.

And then Charlie laughed and I stood stock still, shocked. His laugh...was like I had never heard before. Even after he smoked some of his better shit. He sounded so...happy and well, yeah. High, too. But a really fucking happy high.

I realized the sounds were coming from the basement, so I made my way over to the doorway and peeked around the corner and my brain could not process the sight in front of me. There was a woman and she was a hot fucking mess.

She was sitting on the sofa, much too close to Charlie for me to even consider what that meant, and she was totally hitting a pipe. I liked her already. She had long blonde hair that looked like it was in the beginning stages of dreading, but maybe she just needed a brush, and was wearing this weird headband made of flowers. Her clothes looked like they came straight from the sixties but in a totally bad ass way and she had on enough bracelets that they almost reached her elbows. Oh, and she was really fucking hot and young and practically sitting in Charlie's lap smoking a pipe.

A pros and cons list would have to be made later.

I cleared my throat and almost laughed at the way Charlie's head shot up. He jumped to his feet, waiving his arms around like someone stranded on an island and trying to get the attention of a ship passing by.

As he flailed about, no doubt trying to clear the cloud of smoke from the air, I shifted my eyes to the woman sitting on the sofa. She was staring right at me with a look that could only be described as mischief.

"Uh. Bells! Bella. I wasn't expecting to see you here. In the house," he sputtered.

"Why not? Don't I fucking live here?" I snapped but I was smirking. Because this was just too good. Charlie caught in the act.

"Yeah, Charlie," the woman added with a smile, "she does fucking live here."

Charlie looked between us as if he couldn't handle both of us speaking to him at the same time.

Poor dude. I've been that baked before.

Charlie glanced down at the lady and his eyes widened, or tried to, at the sight of her holding a pipe.

I held back my laughter, pointed to the pipe and asked, "What's that?"

"That's...that's, you know. It's uh, salvia?" he questioned more than stated.

I raised my eyebrows and hummed in response. "Really? Salvia," I deadpanned.

"Yeah. Salvia is legal. Jane brought it over." Charlie's voice was all high-pitched and I could see beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.

It also smelled like shit in here, so I was pretty sure he had soiled himself.

But that could have been me I was smelling.

"Jane, is it?" I asked politely, feeling a little bad that Charlie was blaming her for the 'salvia' which looked and smelled exactly like weed. "I'm Bella. I live here."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jane. I supply my friends with legal drugs," she said through a snort. "Like this." She held up the pipe and winked at me.

Well, shit. Maybe Charlie's little love interest wasn't so bad after all.

My focus was back on Charlie and the dude was spaced out.

"Hey." I snapped my fingers to get his attention. "Mind if I take a hit?"

Charlie thought for a second, maybe because he had convinced himself that it really was salvia they had smoked. "Uh. That's not a good idea, Bells."

"Why not?" Jane and I asked simultaneously.

"It's-"

"Legal," I interrupted. "You said so yourself."

"Yeah, Charlie." Jane bumped his calve with her hippie ass moccasin slipper "My _salvia_. Remember?"

I nodded with feigned innocence as Jane reached over to hand me the pipe, causing Charlie to stiffen with panic.

"All yours," she said right before I grabbed the pipe.

And then Charlie physically freaked out and backhanded the pipe like he were Ike Turner. The poor pipe flew through the air and hit the wall before landing on the floor with a small puff of smoke. What a waste.

I shook my head in disappointment and Jane mirrored my expression.

"Well," I said quickly. "Nice meeting you. Sorry about your pipe. Make sure he buys you a new one. That man can be cheap sometimes, I swear."

"Oh we won't have to worry about that. I know where he works." She winked at me before turning her head towards Charlie with wide eyed innocence and a shy smile.

I know that look. That's the look you give a guy you're crushing on when you want to look all vulnerable and sweet. Holy shit, this chick was totally crushing on Charlie. I didn't know whether to be happy or sick.

Then I realized what she said. "You got the job Charlie?"

"Uh, yeah, Bells. Just found out today. Jane came over to bring me all the new hire paperwork to fiil out and turn in on Monday." Charlie finished, rubbing the back of his neck. Were his fucking cheeks pink? I leaned in closer towards him causing him to step back, but not fast enough, and they _were _fucking pink.

I'd decided I'd had enough of this little love show, so I waved to them both and got the hell outta dodge. After a fabulously long shower I headed upstairs to bed. It was early but, fuck it, this day kicked my ass and I needed it to be done.

The next week flew by. Charlie started his new job on Monday leaving me a lot of free time. I decided to work at the animal farm as much as possible to put a dent in my hours before school started next week, which I had also registered for. The school was...interesting. Certainly nothing like my old school, but I had finally accepted that nothing back home was going to be like Intercourse.

Emmett kept me entertained at work with all his ridiculous guesses. I think my favorite was when he asked if I drunk dialed the cops by accident trying to order a pizza, then told them my address so they could bring it to me. I had to laugh; who drunk dials the cops?

Of course, his guess that I pistol whipped a Taco Bell employee who wouldn't take my order at the drive through because I was on foot was a good one too.

The only thing I was not amused by was the new nickname Emmett had saddled me with- Stinky. Seriously, _Stinky_? It's not like I didn't shower the minute I got home, cause I did. Some people may be able to go for days without showering or shaving their legs, but _I_ am not one of those people.

I also got a random visit from Alice and Rose one afternoon. We got baked in the backyard while I filled them in on all the shit Edward's pulled on me since meeting him. I'm not exactly sure how but, at some point, I realized we had moved to the bathroom and were all sitting in the old lady bits tub together, fully clothed. How are these people still alive smoking weed like this?

Our bathtub rendezvous did turn out to be pretty informative though. Alice, who was even more laid back than usual, lazily told me about the kids at school. She told me about all the different little cliques- who was cool and who to avoid. It was pretty interesting to hear how even in a town this small people still divided up. I guess no matter where you live there are mean girls.

Rose told me about all the crazy things they had done over the summer and somehow managed not to get caught. Of course, I can understand that now, in a place with so few people and so many places to hide, you pretty much have to be a complete idiot to get caught doing anything. Still, my track record said I should err on the side of caution.

Then there was Edward. He managed to find some reason or another to pop up at work or stop by my house at least every other day. I stopped by to see him once at the store earlier in the week and to pick up a pack of cigarettes but, when I got to the counter, ALL the fucking cigarette were gone. Like, every fucking pack. When I asked him what the hell was going on he just smirked and said some guy came in earlier and bought them out.

He was so full of shit and I was about to call him out on his bullshit until he pulled out a fat ass joint and handed it to me. Who really needed cigarettes anyway?

Saturday afternoon found me pacing my bedroom waiting for Edward to pick me up.

Charlie had got home just a little while ago and he was not alone. I wasn't in the mood to play stupid since I knew they were down in the basement _not _smoking salvia, so I hid to avoid another awkward conversation.

Finally, I heard Edward's truck pull in the driveway and I darted down the stairs and out the front door before Charlie could finish the _puff_ of his _puff puff give.  
><em>

I had the passenger side door closed before he even had the chance to put his truck in park. He looked over at me and smirked before giving me a good old fashioned eye fuck. I mean, yeah, I was doing the same thing, but that goes without saying. Edward was a fine motherfucker.

"Hey, Bella. Eager much?" he asked cockily.

"Eager to get the fuck out of here before Charlie and Jane pull us down to the basement to hold hands and sing Kumbaya," I said as smart ass as possible because, hot or not, everything was not always about him. His face fell a little and I instantly felt like shit for being a bitch.

"I'm sorry. Charlie is just wigging me the fuck out with this chick. I've never seen him with anyone since my mom and I'm not sure how I should act. I mean, don't get me wrong, she's cool as shit. I just don't want Charlie getting hurt. She seems really young and I think she smokes more weed than he does, so communication between them is probably limited to 'pass the Cheetos'," I finished in one breath as if I was on fucking speed.

And when the fuck did I start sharing? I don't usually tell people my shit. Apparently, Intercourse had made my lips loose.

The sound of Edward choking brought me back to the present. I didn't even bat an eye as I pounded on his back. I knew the fucking deal. I had said that last thought out loud and motherfucking proud. I had decided to just embrace it for what it was.

I could tell people it was a type of disorder I suffered from and then no one could be pissed when I voiced my inner monologue if, ya know, I had an actual diagnosis. I could call it verbal diarrheaitis. I mean, if you put 'itis' on the end of a word it surely became some kind of disorder or disease, right?

I gave him a rueful smile and scooted to the middle of the seat so I could cuddle into his side. He draped his arm over my shoulder getting in a small grope of my boob before hugging me to his side.

He smelled so fucking good. Like summer and weed and boy and... _we were so going to have sex_. I know it'd only been two weeks, but my head might launch off my body if he doesn't do those bad things to me that he thinks about.

I looked up to his face and smiled as he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

"I missed you today," he said before kissing me again a little deeper. I sighed. He was so fucking smooth.

"Yeah, yeah," I said smiling and bumped his shoulder. "I missed you, too," I muttered, staring at his chest.

God, what was I some love struck teenager? That thought pulled me up short. Was I? I glanced at Edward who was still looking at me. Fuck, I'm going to have to come back to that thought later.

"Whaddya have there?" Edward asked nodding towards my lap.

"My camera," I said still feeling confused and a little self conscience.

"I like to take photos. It's what I want to major in actually. I love to look at people though a lens..." I trailed off when I noticed the look of shock on Edward's face.

"What?" I asked defensively.

"That's just the first time you've ever really told me anything about you," He said. " I think that's really fucking cool Bella." He nodded in approval smiling at me.

All of the sudden I felt this strange sensation in my face, like I had a fever. What the fuck was that? I yanked the rear view mirror to my face and - holy shit - my cheeks were red. I was fucking blushing. I don't blush. I don't get embarrassed or shy or weepy or girly in any way. What the fuck had Intercourse done to me?

"Whatever," I said flippantly. "I just thought I could get some good dirt on the people there in case they fucked with me at school." When I looked at Edward he was staring at my lips and his breathing seemed a little off. I was worried that something was wrong until he spoke.

"Fuck. Bella. You are fucking gorgeous on a normal day. But you blushing? Those bad things I want to do to you," he said swallowing hard, "just got so much dirtier." Then he kissed me. Hard.

And I wanted to fuck this boy right here in my front yard. Forget Charlie. Forget Jane. I wanted Edward's body on mine, right now.

As he tired to move closer to me his elbow pushed into the horn making both of us jump apart panting. The look in his eyes - oh, God - just kill me now.

He seemed to regain a little composure from the interruption, pulling his hat off and running his fingers through his hair.

"How about we head to the party before you dad catches us fucking in the front seat of my truck," Edward said looking like the textbook description of sexual frustration.

Not that I could claim fairing much better, especially when he said shit like that. I nodded my head and slid under his arm again. He pulled out a joint and handed it to me, it served as enough of a distraction to keep me from straddling him anyway, regardless of who saw.

Soon, we turned onto a dirt road. I could see smoke billowing up between the trees a little further down. My first thought was that Emmett had got a hold of the lighter fluid after all but as we got closer I realized it was just a really big fire.

Edward grabbed my hand before I could get out of the truck. "Hey. There are going to be a lot of people from school here tonight and I know you smoke weed and drink, but there are some kids here that will have other stuff," he said, looking uneasy. "I'm not telling you what to do or anything like that. Fuck, we've all done crazy shit, just..." he blew out a breath. "It's just some of these guys will not be entirely honest about what they're sharing." He shook his head like he was remembering something then looked back over at me. "Look. If you do something it's cool, but check with one of us before hand to make sure that person is on the up and up, okay?"

That didn't sound too bad. I mean, it wasn't like he was telling me what to do. Just making sure someone didn't give me some shit without my knowing. And really, I didn't need to make a complete fucking fool of myself in front of these people. Not that I gave a fuck, I just know with a town this small there was no doubt Charlie would find out. And the last thing I needed was to have Charlie pull me out of Intercourse right when I was getting used to it. I mean where would we go next- Analville?

"Sure. That sounds fair, thanks for looking out for me."

He smiled and hopped out of the truck, pulling me with him. I stumbled a little. One, because we were in a field and the ground was all fucking uneven and two, because I was fucking baked. He reached under the seat and pulled out a bottle of tequila. After taking two big gulps he passed the bottle over to me.

Not to be out done I took two big shots as well and handed it back to him. It burned like a motherfucker and I though I was going to choke when I felt a can being pressed into my hand. I took it and slammed half the beer in one swallow. Thank God. Now it was just a pleasant warm feeling and I could tell that this combined with the bud was going to be enough for me a bit.

"Come on, Pockets. Let's go find the guys," he said and draped his arm over my shoulder.

We walked towards the fire and I could hear music playing and lots of loud voices. I spotted Rose first. Well, at least her buns, anyway, since they were sticking straight up in the air with Emmett holding her feet. Jasper was holding the hose from the keg to her mouth while Alice stood there counting and laughing.

"...twenty-nine!" Alice shouted as beer spewed from Rose's mouth who was laughing and choking at the same time. Emmett set her back on her feet and she swayed a little still laughing.

She looked over and as soon as the saw me she she yelled, "Bella! Hell yeah!" then came barreling towards me.

I braced myself as she tripped into me then gave me a hug and a smacking kiss on the cheek.

"I'm so glad you're here. Let's get Alice and go smoke a bowl while the boys play." She smiled.

I looked over to Edward who was laughing at the two of us before I shook my head laughing and told him I'd see him later. He winked at me and mouthed the word _later_ back to me. My steps faltered a bit at the thought of what exactly his later meant. Rose grabbed my arm and pulled me towards Alice while Edward could still be heard laughing behind me. Ass.

"Hey, Alice." I smiled.

"Sup, Bella? You coming to hit this with us?"

"Fuck yes," I said and followed them over to the other side of the fire and away from most of the people there.

It was still pretty early but you could tell a lot of people had been here for quite a while by how fucked up they seemed. After we smoked the bowl we stayed there watching everyone until I noticed this one girl in particular kept looking at me.

"Who's the ginger giving me the stink eye," I questioned causing Alice to spew beer everywhere.

"Who?" Rose asked as she discreetly glanced around at the group near the keg. "Oh. Maggie?"

"I guess," I said with a shrug. How was I supposed to know what her fucking name was?

"Edward's ex," Alice spoke this time as she wiped the beer from her mouth. "She's interesting."

"Interesting how?" I stared back at her with the same hardness because fuck if I was going to lose this staring contest.

"Interesting as in she may or may not be one of those girls who pokes a needle through a condom package," Rose casually mentioned as Alice spit out her beer for a second time.

"That doesn't sound interesting," I said in all seriousness. "That sounds fucking creepy!"

Rose laughed, handed me her beer and pulled her pipe back out. "What can ya do?" she joked as she filled the bowl with some more stank ass weed. I watched Alice's eyes glaze over and I couldn't help but laugh.

And then my laugh was cut off by Ginger making her way through the crowd.

"Condom tamperer on the prowl," Alice coughed and I snorted.

"Hey, hey," Maggie said sounding nice and normal and not at all like a condom tamperer. But those crazies knew how to fucking blend in with the crowd. "Who is your new friend?"

"I'm Bella." I introduced myself while Rose watched the interaction with hungry eyes as she hit the pipe. "And you are?"

"Maggie Seaver," she replied confidently.

That confidence was shot when I burst out with an obnoxious laugh.

"No shit? As in Maggie Seaver from Growing Pains?" I practically squealed with laughter. "That's some fucking name. Are your parents not aware with pop culture?"

She apparently wasn't amused. Alice on the other hand...yeah. The girl needed lessons in keeping her beer in her mouth.

"It's just a name," she explained with a shrug.

"Beer. I need more beer," Alice said quickly before walking towards the keg.

"I'll be right back. I'm gonna see if Emmett wants to hit this." Rosalie winked. "And I ain't talkin' bout to pipe."

_Thanks a lot for leaving me with the condom tamperer, bitches._

"So," Maggie started once Alice and Rose walked away. "Where'd you move from, anyway? Why did you move to Intercourse?"

Well, the nosy bitch didn't waste much time, huh?

"Why would someone _not_ want to move here?" I joked sarcastically. Apparently it didn't translate well because the poor Ginger didn't laugh. "Nothing as interesting as tampering with condoms, I can tell you that much."

She choked on her beer. "Excuse me?"

"Nothin'." I smiled as sweetly as possible and said, "I'm from New York. You probably don't understand my sense of humor. Edward does though."

"Oh," she deadpanned. "So you know Edward?" Maggie gritted her teeth and I watched as her grip tightened on her red Solo cup.

"Yep. He's been great, introducing me to all sorts of new things in Intercourse. Speak of the devil!" I pointed as Edward sauntered over to us, jeans hanging off his hips and a lazy smile on his face.

"Hey ladies," Edward said as he casually threw his arm over my shoulder. "What's going on?"

Maggie narrowed her eyes before saying rather enthusiastically, "Not much!"

Which was fine. Her enthusiasm didn't bother me in the least. She could bounce up and down and smile as much as she wanted. My tits were still better than hers.

Edward gave her a funny smile and said, "I see you've met Bella."

"Yeah! She was telling me about how she moved here from New York." Maggie went on about whatever the fuck as I felt Edward's fingers grazing my arm.

"Hey, Cullen! Get your ass over here!" Someone yelled, catching Edward's attention.

"I'll be right back," he said before smiling at me and turning to leave.

"So," I awkwardly filled the silence.

"Edward and I used to date," she interrupted with a smile plastered on her face.

"I've heard."

Maggie's smile faltered and she stared into her cup. "He's the best. He's so sweet."

"I've noticed," I said dryly. Something about this chick felt off, I wasn't sure how much longer I should stand her with her talking about Edward. She looked a little wild in the eyes. And not a 'Girls Gone Wild' wild either, more like 'Girl, Interrupted' wild.

"I don't know what y'all have going on or whatever but you should know that we're just taking a break right now. We aren't like...broken up for good or anything."

"He's barely looked at you since you've shown up, you realize that, right?" Because what the fuck? Had this chick lost her mind?

"Well. I love him," she stated harshly. "So, I wouldn't suggest you get too attached to him."

"Yeah. I mean, we're just hanging out anyway-"

"Good."

"Like all the time," I finished, causing her to choke on her beer. "We drove here together. So, he'll probably take me home."

Maggie's eyes widened and her nostrils flared and I had to try really hard to hold back my fucking laughter.

"He also knows this one spot, right here." I pointed at the spot between my collarbone and my ear, watching as the color drained from Maggie's face.

This shit was too easy.

"Sup, bitches?" Rose asked cheerfully, interrupting Maggie's thoughts of plotting my murder and offing my sarcastic ass.

"Not much," I responded before Maggie could open her mouth. "Just listening to Maggie tell me about how she and Edward are taking a break, and how in love she is with him."

"I-" Maggie's face turned red as she began to speak, only to be cut off by Rose.

"The fuck?" Rose doubled over with laughter, practically spilling her beer all over my arm as she held on for her life. "He dumped your ass. Do you not remember?" she recalled once she was able to breathe.

"You don't know what went on between the two of us," Maggie said sharply, holding on to any fucking dignity she had left.

"Neither do you, apparently." Rose shook her head in disbelief. "You know what's really annoying, Bella? Those girls who act all nice to your face and shit, trying to be your friend, then go around acting all psycho when a guy breaks up with them, harming poor little bunnies in the process."

"Yeah. That does sound kind of annoying," I agreed and was really fucking thankful Rose was here calling Maggie's ass out.

"What are you even talking about?" Maggie asked, setting a hand on her hip.

Rose mocked her move and said, "Don't think I didn't hear about you trying to come on to Emmett after the end of school party back in May. I didn't say anything because I wanted to give you a head start."

Maggie looked around and asked, "A head start?"

"Yeah. Time's up. Run, bitch," Rose said sharply with a smile.

Maggie stayed in place before Rose took one step towards her. Then her ginger ass darted the fuck out of our sight.

"That was fucking epic," I practically screamed, tears streaming down my face because I was laughing so hard.

"Eh, whatever." Rose shrugged. "She gets on my nerves. You're a lot more chill than she is."

"Good to know." I wiped at my eyes and searched the crowd for Edward.

"Besides, the chick doesn't even partake in the ganja. It would have never worked out with her and Edward," Rosalie explained seriously. "But nah. He's not into her anymore. Don't worry." Rose smiled and pointed over my shoulder.

I quickly turned around and saw Edward standing across the bonfire, staring directly at me. He gave me a small smile before motioning for me to come over and, shit. The motion of his fingers was enough to make me come...over to where he was standing.

Our eyes stayed locked as I made my way over. We eyed fucked each other in a way that only people who are fucked up can truly do. It was hot. I smiled lazily at him and rocked up on my toes to give him a quick kiss on the lips because honestly they were telling me to do it.

"Having fun?" he asked, running his hand down my back before resting it on my ass. All of the sudden there is a commotion to our left and people started yelling.

"Oh, shit!" I exclaimed, slapping an arm across Edward's chest. "The girl in the slutty pink dress is on fire!"

"Jessica? Eh, I kind of think she tries too hard," Edward said nonchalantly.

"No, like, literally. on. fire."

Edward's head snapped in the direction of the keg and we watched in horror - and amusement - as the girl flailed her arms around as the flames grew higher on her head.

"Someone should do something," I said as I pulled my camera out to document this shit.

Edward raised his eyebrows before laughing along with me.

I snapped a few shots before the least drunk person at the bonfire decided to spray what was left in the keg to put the fire out. One person pumped the tap while another wielded the makeshift hose like a fucking firefighter. That shit was heroic _and_ completely fucking ridiculous.

I don't think Edward was even breathing at this point. He was in one of those weird silent laughs where no noise escaped but neither did any air. He was starting to turn red. I really wanted to be concerned, but I couldn't take my eyes off the train wreck in front of me.

After the screams and flames died down, I turned to Edward who was still to catch his breath. I lifted the camera and pointed the lens at him to snap a quick shot. I glanced at the screen and smiled to myself, seeing the carefree laughter I had captured.

"What was that for?" he asked with a smirk, catching me off guard.

"You're nice to look at," I admitted.

"Are you going to frame it and put it on your nightstand? Or maybe make copies and post them all over your wall? Because I'd be into that," he whispered, taking a step closer to me.

"Wh-what? Why would I frame it?" I tried to laugh but his proximity was making it hard for me to breathe let alone have enough oxygen to fucking laugh.

We were chest to chest, my camera dangling from my hand as he grabbed the back of my head. "Or maybe...maybe you'll use it for something else?" His eyebrows raised and fucker had to go and make me blush.

Because hell yeah I was going to use his photo to...finger paint later tonight.

Unless he wanted to do it for me.

I was ripped from my fantasies by Emmett when he came up and smacked Edward on the shoulder. "Hey, man. Jessica fucked herself up real good this time! Looks like she's been hittin' the non-aerosol hairspray again. Someone called 911. We should probably get the fuck outta here before they arrest our asses for public intoxication," Emmett said while grinning at me.

"Yeah, man. All right. We were about to head out anyway," Edward said, taking my hand in his and pulling me behind him as we walked towards his truck.

He opened the driver's side door and ushered me in before climbing in behind me.

Edward's hand stilled on the keys before starting the ignition. He turned to look at me and I stared back in confusion.

"What?"

And then the fucker assaulted me with his lips. Assault was a strong word, but that's exactly what he did. I wasn't complaining either.

He gripped the back of my neck and I ran my fingers through his hair as he pushed me back toward the passenger door.

"Shit," he cursed lowly as he stretched out above me.

"You're lucky you have a bench seat," I teased as he lowered himself onto me, exactly where I fucking wanted him.

His laugh was deep as he shut me up with his lips.

"Lucky for _you_," he said smugly as he ground his hips against mine.

Well, fuck.

I couldn't help that my legs wanted to wrap around his waist. Nor could I help the very loud 'fuck' that escaped my lips when Emmett began banging on the window.

"Fuckers! Cops are on their way. You two can dry hump later," Emmett bellowed and Edward yelled for him to fuck off.

Edward sat up and I ran a hand over my hair.

"Your chin is all red," he pointed out and I felt where his thick scruff had left it's mark.

"And your balls are blue. I think we're even," I snapped in annoyance that I couldn't just fuck him right here, right now. "One of these days I'm going to end up taking advantage of your ass."

"Nah, I'm not into that," he said seriously and started the truck. "Emmett might be down though."

"Gross." I laughed and scooted closer to him as he started the truck.

We laughed and joked about all the shit that had happened as he drove me home. All the while all I could think was, when in the fuck were we going to have sex. As he pulled in front of my house I noticed all the lights were out. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

I knew that sex in my front yard was not going to happen, but I was so fucking turned on, and I wanted to get off so fucking bad that maybe a little third base action might be okay for now.

I stared out the window as we sat in silence for a minute.

"So, I-" started to say.

"Tonight was-" Edward interrupted and we both laughed. "You can go first."

"Oh. I was just going to say that you're really fun and I kind of like you and I was hoping you weren't actually on a break with that Ginger, because I really kind of want your hand down my pants right now and that might be a little weird if, you know, you had a girlfriend or something," I finished in one breath.

Edward smiled with a quiet laugh and said, "No. We are broken up, and...what'd you say about my hand down your pants?"

"Don't make me repeat myself," I said, becoming slightly flustered. "Fuck, just...you now, there's all of this sexual tension between the two of us and I'm afraid one of us is going to combust if we don't do something about it soon."

"Wow, I've never had a girl be so forward with me before," Edward said in shock as he adjusted himself and set a hand on my thigh. He leaned down and placed his lips on my neck causing me to shiver.

"Wait, so you're going to help me out?" I blurted out.

Edward laughed against my neck and said, "Sure, why not. You asked nicely and all."

"Fuck yes," I breathed and frantically unbuttoned so he could slip his hand into my jeans.

I shivered as his hand dipped below my underwear and I reached over to unbutton his jeans for him. You know, since he was occupied.

My hand slipped into his boxers to pull out and reveal the most perfect peen I had ever laid eyes on. Now don't get me wrong- I wasn't a slut or anything, but I wasn't a virgin either. Plus, as an artist I was required to look at nude male models. Who cares if they were on websites like 'Ding Dong Your Clit is Dead'?

Edward fingers began to pull me out of whatever ridiculous thoughts I was having as he murmured a low _fuck _and he slowly slipped two fingers inside me.

"Shit," I mumbled against his lips as I began stroking his dick. His fingers flexed and pushed into me harshly as he felt my hand tightening around him. He was slick and hot and smooth and fucking perfect.

My hips started lifting off the seat and Edward groaned, pushing me back down.

"Fuck, that feels so good," he groaned and I gave him a smug _fuck yeah_ as his fingers began pumping faster. I tightened my grip and began working him faster as I felt my stomach begin to tense.

His other hand slid up underneath my shirt and he grabbed my boob, causing me to pant and moan and squirm as he tried so hard to keep my body close to his.

"Fuck, Bella," he said in a strained voice before kissing way down my neck, exposing my chest and putting his mouth on me.

"Edward," I panted, pumping his dick a little faster as I felt his tongue circle my nipple and suck.

"Are you close?" he grunted running his thumb against my clit.

My answer was only a silent scream as I felt my body explode and shudder underneath him.

"Oh, fuuuck," he exclaimed before pulsing into my hand and onto my stomach. Fuck, that was hot.

We laid in the same position for a few minutes catching our breath before Edward let out a chuckle and pulled away to sit up. His hair was a fucking mess and my chin was burning from the contact with his scruff but I couldn't have cared about anything else because the way he was looking at me made me feel...good.

"Well, that was as fucking awesome as I imagined."

"Yeah, I'm still working on simple motor functions," I replied. "Give me a minute." I laughed breathlessly.

"So, school starts on Monday, do you wanna ride with me? You know to show you around and shit?" He asked looking nervous and fucking perfect again.

"Yeah, that sounds good." I smiled and leaned over to press my lips to his one more time. I grabbed my camera and snapped one more quick shot of him because he still had that freshly fucked look and I wanted to capture that shit for later. "See you Monday," I said and slid across the seat towards the passenger side door.

"Hey," Edward said, sounding hurt before grabbing my waist and pulling me towards him. "Gimme one more kiss."

I laughed and grabbed his face as he leaned into me, causing me to moan.

"You're not playing fair," I said sternly.

"Who said I have to?" he countered and I pecked him once more. "Fine. Monday." He reached over and opened the door for me before I hopped out of the truck. With a final look over my shoulder I ran up the steps and into the house.

As I laid in bed, I thought about everything that had happened tonight. I still had a fuckawesome time without doing half the shit I used to in New York. Maybe moving to Intercourse really was the best fucking thing Charlie could have done for me. Although, I would never mention that to him; he'd never let me live that shit down. My time here over the next year didn't seem as bad as it had before.

As I drifted off to sleep looking at the image of a smiling Edward on my camera, all I could think was maybe it was a good thing I got caught with drugs and fell on my face while trying to be sexy and strip. There was one thing I did learn tonight without a doubt though...

_I'm never buying another can of non-aerosol hairspray again...  
><em>

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><p><strong>AN-**

** Liv- So, I think we should write some sort of action in this chapter.**

**Meg- Yeah? They're gonna do it?**

**Liv- Hmm, maybe some third base action?**

**Meg- Yeah, okay. That sounds good.**

**Liv-*waiting***

**Meg- OH! You want _me_ to write it?**

**Liv- Well...yeah.**

**Meg- Fuck. Okay, alright. So are we just going to have him finger bang her?**

***crickets***

**Meg- Liv?**

**Liv- Dude, this shit is fucking awkward.**

**Meg- Well, no fucking shit!**

**Liv- okok, we can do this. *takes deep breath* So we'll have her jack him off while he finger bangs her.**

***crickets***

**Liv- Meg?**

**Meg- This is really fucking awkward Liv!**

**Liv- That's what I said, damn it!**

**Meg- *shakes head* Alright. So, he's finger banging her and she's jacking him, we good?**

**Liv- Yes. Fuck. That's fine.**

**Meg- So, are we gonna let him come on her stomach?**

**Liv- Jesus fucking Christ...I need more wine.**

**Meg- *giggles* How do you think I'm getting through this? I'm practically deep throating the bottle!**

**Liv- Well thank FUCK we're not writing THAT.**

**Meg- Thank fuck indeed Liv.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight<strong>

As promised, Edward picked me up for school Monday morning. When we pulled into the lot it went pretty much as I expected- people stared; people whispered; people pissed me off. They needed to get a fucking life and fuck off. I was not a damn science experiment for them to gawk at.

When I told Edward this, rather loudly, the gawkers suddenly stopped staring. Huh. _Magic._

Edward, on the other hand, was laughing his ass off.

"Stinky!" Emmett bellowed.

Oh fuck no. This asshole was not going to go around calling me that god awful nickname at school. The first time one of these fuckers tried to use that name I would be on their ass faster than flies on shit. Which is really fucking fast, by the way. Shoveling Sunshine's shit had educated me on just how fucking nasty flies truly are.

"Em. Lay off man-" Edward started before I cut him off.

"Listen up, Emmett, because I'm only going to say this once," I stated leveling him with a glare. "Remember the picture I snapped of you stuffing that possum?" I questioned in a low threatening voice.

"Yeah," he answered, looking confused.

"Well, I may have taken that picture at an angle that makes it look like you're stuffing that possum...with something other than your hand." I smirked and crossed my arms over my chest as Emmett blanched.

Rose and Edward were silent a beat before they were both clutching on to one another as they doubled over in laughter.

"And," I added because I'm a mean little shit, "the look on your face was entirely too pleased for anyone to believe you were using your hand to 'stuff the possum'," I finished and finally let loose the laugh I had been holding in. God, it felt good to finally have something on one of these guys.

"Wow, Em. I didn't know you were into possum poon," Alice piped up from behind me. " I bet our fellow PETA classmates would love to let Sunshine have a run at you. You know, to return the favor." She laughed and knocked into my shoulder.

Emmett narrowed his eyes at me before his smile turned sinister, causing me shiver. Oh fuck.

"Well, Swan, what will my guess be today?" he asked and, goddamn, that was the shortest victory I've ever held in my life.

"What guess?" Edward asked looking between the two of us in confusion. Fucking Emmett and his bag o' dirt on me.

"Fine. No animal sex pictures; no calling me Stinky." I pouted.

Emmett nodded his head in agreement and we were right back at square one. Well, that was a fucking epic waste of time. And completely fucking disgusting if I was being completely honest.

Edward looked at me for a beat before smiling and shaking his head. "Don't think just because you and Em have come to some weird ass truce I didn't hear what he said or see how you reacted."

I looked down at my shoes because I knew I was going to have to tell them about why we moved to Intercourse. I still couldn't figure out why I was making such a big deal about it. These fuckers were crazy as shit and probably had stories just as bad. Still, I just wasn't ready yet.

He tugged on my arm causing me to look up at him. "When you're ready Pockets. No pressure," he said and leaned down, giving me a quick kiss on the lips.

And I just wanted to be a weepy pathetic girl and cry because he was just too fucking sweet. I reined that shit in.

"Come on. Let's get you to class," Edward said, leading me into the building.

I shot Emmett a nasty glare over my shoulder because that shit was uncalled for. He mouthed 'sorry' to me and really looked like he was. I nodded my head again and followed Edward inside. I couldn't be pissed at Emmett. The fact that he hadn't ratted me out to his friends yet was pretty freaking cool. He didn't owe me anything and, shit, I did threaten him with rumors that he was into bestiality. Can't blame a guy for coming out swinging on that one.

"History is your first class, right?" Edward asked bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Right."

"Shit. I'm not in there with you," he started, then smiled. "But Jasper is."

Well that was fan-fucking-tastic. Jasper in History with me. A class where Jasper could talk about the history of Intercourse. This day was just all kinds of 'let's backdoor Bella'.

"Come on, Bella. Lets' get a seat up front together," Jasper said, flinging his arm over my shoulders. I gave Edward one last pleading look only to receive a smirk before he turned and headed off to his first class.

"How about we compromise?" I asked pulling him with me towards the back since he still had his arm over my shoulders. "I'll sit with you but not in the front; never in the front."

"Can we sit in the middle?" Jasper asked. "I can't see very well so sitting in the back makes it hard for me to see the board," he admitted.

"Fine." I sighed settling for the two seats directly in the middle. Maybe with enough people around us I could still zone out without being noticed. At the moment though, I was being noticed. By everyone. I wasn't sure if it was me, or the fact that Jasper's lazy ass still had his heavy ass arm on my shoulders.

I shrugged him off and gave him a look I hoped conveyed that people were staring but he seemed to preoccupied to care. I wasn't entirely sure Jasper hadn't smoked a bowl this morning before class. I recognized a couple of kids from the bonfire as they came through the door, some of the giving me a smile or a head nod. One kid gave me a fist bump, but I'm not entirely sure why. Pretty certain he wasn't at the bonfire. I bumped that first, anyway. No need to be a bitch on the first day.

A boy with shaggy brown hair and blue eyes plopped down in the chair on the other side of me. After he gave me the once over he smiled and leaned over the side of his desk and held his hand out to me.

"Hey. I'm Peter." I looked at his hand before shaking it briefly.

"Bella."

I noticed a movement off to the side and turned towards Jasper who was waiving his arm at...Peter? I looked back to Peter and noticed he had a strange look on him face. Swiveling back to Jasper, I saw him shaking his head before stopping as soon as his eyes met mine. What the hell?

"Jasper? What the hell are you doing?" I asked because he was acting more strange than usual. And that was saying something.

"Nothing," he replied, fiddling with his back pack.

Something smelled rotten and this time I was sure it wasn't me or Sunshine. Before I could question him further, the teacher came into the room and started class.

After introductions were made and the syllabus was handed out- class began. And it was as horrible as I imagined it would be. For the next fifty minutes, Jasper found some way to bring up Intercourse with every single topic. The teacher, Mr. Marcus, looked like he had gone to his happy place before finally calling class to an end ten minutes early.

As soon as he did, kids started chatting with one another, giving me brief glances over their shoulders. I packed up all my things and was about to ask Jasper what the hell he was up to earlier when a crotch appeared in my face. Diverting my eyes to the face of the person who was about to get junk punched for getting inside of my bubble without permission, I was met with one of the most weird looking fuckers I had ever seen.

You'd think nothing would surprise me, being from fucking New York and all. That place had taught me how to keep a straight face when it came to weird motherfuckers.

He looked like...a dog. Not a cute puppy dog face or anything like that. This dude was just ugly. He looked like a fucking pug, which sounds cute, right? Yeah. Not when a fucking human has round eyes set really far apart and a wrinkly forehead with more skin than necessary for someone his age.

Was it possible to have your forehead circumcised? I had to wonder because that's exactly what this kid needed. Poor thing. How he hasn't flung him self off a cliff yet is beyond me.

"I'm Aro!" he yipped excitedly.

Dear God, I can't even be mean to this kid. Life's been unfair enough as it is.

"Hi. I'm Bella." I nodded and slid to the far side of my seat. Because pitiful or not, I really didn't need his junk in my face.

If that's what his forehead looked like, I'd hate to imagine the mess that was his junk.

He was about to speak when someone cleared their throat behind me. I looked over and saw Peter smiling at me.

"Hey, Aro. How's it going man," Peter said and smiled at him.

I looked at Aro to see him standing there gaping at Peter with his mouth open. I also noticed that he had taken a step back in the process. I also noticed he was a mouth breather. Fucking shit, this kid...

"I'm, ah.." Aro stuttered before I felt the back of my desk being tugged away and scraping across the floor in the process. Startled I looked over at Jasper who's hand was still resting on my desk, but he wasn't looking at me, he was staring at Peter with a cool expression; the picture of calm.

"Okay, what the fuck is going on here!" I yelled, because damn it I knew a pissing match when I saw one and that is definitely what I was witnessing right now. What I couldn't understand was why.

I looked to Jasper who looked a little shocked by my outburst then to Peter who just looked confused.

"I'm wondering the same this," Peter stated slowly. "Jasper, did you and Alice break up?" he asked, still looking at me.

"No! What? Of course we haven't broken up! Why would you ask that?" Jasper questioned indigently.

"Uh. I don't know, man. You seem to be awfully territorial with Bella, I just wasn't sure what the deal was." Peter shrugged.

"Yeah, Jasper. What the hell is up with you?" I asked.

Before he had a chance to cough up an excuse, the bell rang and Jasper shot up from his seat like his ass was on fire. Kinda looked like that one chick from the bonfire.

"Come on, Bella. Let's get you to your next class." He rushed out, pulling me from my seat.

Fuck that. He wasn't getting off that easy. I pulled my arm free and crossed them over my chest eying him in challenge.

"Bella. What class do you have next?" Peter asked coming up beside me and lifting his back pack onto his shoulder.

"Uh...Lit?" I answered looking over my schedule.

I totally forgot to ask Edward what class he had next. I wondered if we would have it together. And, Jesus fucking Christ, like Gru in Despicable Me, I just had my light bulb moment.

Edward. Jasper was pissing on my leg because of Edward.

"Awesome. So do I. Want me to show you where it's at?" Peter asked looking from me to Jasper obviously waiting to see what he would do. And, dammit, the way he was acting was so not cool. I wasn't someone's property to be marked and tagged. I ignored Jasper and turned to Peter.

"Sure, that's cool, thanks," I said, walking past Jasper before he could say anything else.

"So, mind if I ask what all that was about?" Peter asked falling into step beside me.

"Edward."

"Edward? As in Edward Cullen? What's he got to do with anything?" Peter asked looking confused.

"We've been hanging out since I moved here. I actually met him my first day here," I said, remembering that damn ghost story which caused me to shiver.

"Oh." Peter exhaled. "So are you two dating then?" he asked.

Huh. Were we? I mean, I really liked him, and we had spent a lot of time together, but we haven't actually declared anything. That and it had only been a couple of weeks. But still, Edward didn't seem like the type to mess around with more than one girl at a time so maybe we were. I didn't want to seem like a bitch to Edward and say no, but I didn't want to look like a tool and say yes either since we hadn't really talked about it. So, I took the easy way out.

"You'll have to ask him about that," I answered as we made our way into the room.

I scanned the seats and noticed that Edward wasn't in this class either. Dang. A wall of hair in the back let me know that Alice would be with me though. She smiled and waived me back to an empty seat beside her. I smiled at Peter and nodded my head towards the seat. He smiled and told me he'd see me around before finding another empty desk a couple of rows over.

Alice smiled and wiggled her eyebrows at me. Or tried to. It looked like she was having some kind of muscle spasm. "I see you met Pete," she said conspiratorially.

"Pete?" It was my turn to wiggle my eyebrows. "Yes. I did and Jasper acted like a complete fucking idiot when he introduced himself to me," I said annoyed. "Any idea what in the hell that was about?"

"Ugh." Alice groaned. "Pete and I used to date. When we broke up, I started going out with Jasper but Peter was still trying to get back together with me." She shook her head. "He thinks every time Peter opens his mouth he trying to talk his way down your pants. Don't worry about it. Edward didn't tell him to do that. He acted completely on his own idiotic feelings."

"Good," I stated. "Edward and I haven't declared anything. I don't need my leg pissed on."

I pissed my own pants enough. I didn't exactly need any help with that.

"But you guys are sorta dating, right?" Alice asked.

"Yeah. I guess. But I only say that to you because we all hang out together. Until he and I talk, I'm neither confirming nor denying," I finished with a nod of my head.

"Sounds fair." Alice smiled.

The rest of the day went by quickly. I ended up having three classes with Edward, one of which was PE. Which was just fucking stellar.

_Dear God, please don't let me damage his pretty face when I fling some random object into the air. Just aim for Aro; his looks couldn't possibly get any worse. Amen. And...maybe help a sister out with the whole bladder thing. That'd be super nice of you. Thanks. Amen...again._

Walking to the parking lot after school with Edward's arm flung over my shoulder, I realized how much we did look like a couple. I grinned up at him before a movement to my left caught my attention. I turned in time to see Peter jumping over some bushes and laughing. I laughed because he looked like a total goofball. He looked up and saw me, then smiled and waved. I waved back, not wanting to be rude, then turned my attention back to Edward who was looking down at me with an amused expression.

"What?"

"Nothing. You just seem to be settling in really well. I'm glad," he said, squeezing my shoulder.

"Oh yeah. I've met a few nice people. I managed to avoid the condom tamperer and her band o' merry psychos. All in all I call today a success." I smiled at his confused expression.

"The who and her what?" he questioned, causing me to laugh. Before I could reply I saw the rest of the gang barreling towards us, Jasper lagging in the back.

"So, Bella, I totally threatened Jasper with sugar in the gas tank of his precious truck if he didn't come apologize to you," Rose said smiling.

"What the hell did I miss today?" Edward asked looking at everyone. "First, this morning with Emmett and Bella, then Bella talking about some condom tamperer, now Jasper needs to apologize?"

"Condom what?" Emmett questioned, looking a little too terrified as Alice, Rose, and I doubled over in laughter.

"Bella. You did not tell him that!" Rose laughed.

"Well, no, not everything. You guys came over here in the middle of it," I said trying to catch my breath.

"Sorry about this morning Bella." Jasper broke in. "It wasn't my place and I'm sorry if I pissed you off," he finished, looking at Rose. Probably making sure she was satisfied with the apology.

"Sure, no problem. Just don't do it again okay?" I asked and Jasper nodded.

"So, are we going to meet at the store tonight?" Emmett asked. "It's tradition," he said while looking at everyone.

"Yeah. We'll be there," Edward said, squeezing my shoulder. I just shrugged. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about.

We all said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

As soon as we were alone, Edward looked over at me with a million questions on his face. So I told him all about what happened with Jasper and Peter this morning then explained who exactly the condom tamperer was. He was leaning over his steering wheel gasping for air by the time I finished and we were still sitting in the damn parking lot. As he pulled out of the lot after composing himself, he looked over at me.

"You know I didn't tell Jasper to do that right?" He asked and I nodded my head because I did know.

"But I am curious about your non-answer to him," he stated with his brow furrowed. "The last thing I wanna do is put you on the spot, but what do you want from this?" he asked and pointed between the two of us.

"What do you want?" I asked right back, because shit if I was going to be the bad guy here.

"I like things just the way they are to be honest." He shrugged. "We're having fun I don't see the need to label shit and make it complicated. Plus, if we call ourselves dating then I'm fucked because I've already hit my two week expiration date," he finished laughing before he turned his attention back to the road.

I scooted closer to him and grabbed his junk, causing him to swerve and pull over on the side of the road. He let out a surprised grunt as I straddled his lap.

"I'm so fucking glad you didn't get all weepy and 'let's date and get married and have babies' and shit. Cause I really like you and if you tried to push shit then, as much as I'd hate to, I'd have to kill you. And that would really fucking hinder us having sex," I said, laughing at his confused as fuck expression.

"So, you're not into Necrophilia then?" He asked seriously.

"You know, you keep saying shit like that and we might have to put off the sex thing even longer for you to heal," I said with mock sadness.

"Heal?" He swallowed nervously.

"Yeah. When I junk tap you with the shovel," I deadpanned.

He made a sound between a choked laugh and a snort before picking me up and depositing me in the seat beside him.

"So, the first day of school the guys all get together at the store and smoke out. You wanna come?"

"Yeah. Do you just want to come by and pick me up?" I asked.

"Sure. Eight okay?"

"Eight works." I smiled and slid under his arm. The rest of the drive was quiet and when he dropped me off at home it was with a smack on the ass and an 'I'll see you later'.

When I was about to enter the house I noticed Jane's car out front. It was early so I wasn't sure what she was doing here, but I was fairly certain I was about to find out. I opened the door and smelled something fantastic. I made my way to the kitchen and found Jane cooking something on the stove.

"Hey, Jane," I said hopping up on the bar stool. "Whatcha makin'?"

"Hash," she replied seriously.

"Oh my God. For real?" I asked excitedly.

She laughed. "No, but I'll be sure to accidentally drop some in your room if I do."

"Drop what where?" Charlie questioned as he walked into the kitchen.

Jane made a face at me and said, "Oh. You know. Just supplying your daughter with hash."

Charlie began choking and I slapped his back. "She's joking," I said, feeling the need to take it easy on him today. He looked tired as fuck and the last thing he needed to worry about was my ass and hash.

"Of course. I knew that," Charlie lied and walked over to Jane to see what she was cooking. "Looks edible. This is a first for me," he commented.

"Hey. I take offense to that," I pointed out before hopping off the stool. "Don't pretend like I can't cook. I just chose not to."

"Don't make me hose you two down," Jane threatened, wielding a spatula.

"She's feisty, huh?" I asked Charlie, nudging his arm. "Exactly what you need to keep your ass in line."

"Don't you have homework or something?" Charlie asked in an annoyed tone.

"I can take a hint. Whatever," I scoffed and grabbed a package of crackers and the jar of peanut butter from the cabinet. "Dinner," I said with a smile.

"I swear this spaghetti is edible," Jane mused as she stirred the sauce without glancing my way. "There have been no documented deaths after consuming my food."

"That's comforting," I snorted. "I'll stick with this tonight and look forward to your leftovers tomorrow. That is, if Charlie makes it through the night."

"You do nothing for my ego," Jane joked as Charlie watched us in all our banter glory.

"As if you need the stroking."

"It helps," she admitted and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll be upstairs. Going out with some people from school later so I'm going to nap."

"Is that a good idea, Bells? Going out on a school night?" Charlie questioned as Jane slapped his hand as he tried to sample the sauce without her permission.

"You know, be grateful she's telling you," Jane pointed out. "If you lead her to believe you are against it, she's going to sneak out anyway. So, chill."

Charlie narrowed his eyes and I tried my hardest not to fist pump. Cause, fuck, Jane was awesome. Totally what Charlie needed.

"Fine. Don't involve the police this time," Charlie threatened.

That I could do.

After a quick nap, I washed my face and threw on a new t-shirt and ran downstairs. The kitchen was a fucking mess with spaghetti sauce all over the counter and stove. Jane and Charlie were no where in sight. I assumed they were chilling in the basement- their new hang out.

I pulled my hair back and grabbed a handful of pasta. That shit was fucking good, too. Al-fucking-dente, if you will.

Before shoving the second handful of pasta into my mouth, I heard an engine outside and peeked out the window to see Edward sitting in his truck. I wiped my mouth and ran out the door to greet him.

He was standing next to the truck, holding the door for me and I hopped in looking a little too enthusiastic.

"Excited?" Edward asked once he was back inside the truck.

"I'm always excited when it comes to weed," I said with attitude. "Is that a real question?"

"No." He shook his head and started the truck. "Not really."

"Good."

"But be prepared to get fucked up," he warned. "Last year, Jasper convinced himself a spider had bit his ankle and Emmett had some huge conspiracy theory regarding vending machines."

After I died laughing, I asked, "What about Alice and Rose?"

"Nah. They're chill. I think they can out-smoke both of those guys and still be straight. It's almost creepy."

I smiled to myself. Sounded like my kind of girls.

Once we made it to the gas station, Edward locked up and lowered the lights.

I sat myself on the counter next to the register and Edward immediately stood next to me, pretending his touching me was on accident. It was no fucking accident and I thrived for each touch he pretended meant nothing.

Thirty minutes into our smoke session, Alice was snorting while Jasper and Rose created a duet of "Fifty Nifty United States". It was creepy and fucking hilarious at the same time. I pretended I didn't know the lyrics but I knew I'd have that song stuck in my head for at least a week.

"So, Bella." Emmett smiled, exhaling a huge cloud of smoke, "What do you want to do for your birthday next weekend?" he asked passing the joint to Rose.

I smiled big and wide while I leaned against Edward who tugged on my hair to get me to look up an him.

"Yeah, Bella. I'd like to know the answer to the question too." He nodded quickly, his eyes glassy and heavy lidded and so fucking sexy.

"Fuck if I know. I mean, what the hell is there to really do around here that we don't do already- cow tipping?" I asked with a laugh because that shit was just ridiculous.

"Fuck yeah!" Jasper shouted and jumped to his feet scaring the ever loving shit out of me.

"Wh-what?" I stuttered, suddenly realizing that everyone had a huge fucking grin on their face and were are all nodding in agreement. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

"We could camp out, have a big fire, drink some swamp frog, smoke some weed and tip some fuckin' cows," Alice finished in one breath. She didn't talk much, but when she did it was always worth the effort.

Camping, fire, and weed- I understood. Cow tipping scared the hell out of me and what the fuck is swamp frog?

"Swamp frog?" I asked because damn that just sounded like trouble.

"It the redneck version of hunch punch. It's green instead of red and we use a pure grain alcohol/moonshine mix for the liquor," Edward said, looking pleased at the look of awe on my face.

These fuckers knew how to get fucking wasted, that's for sure. Maybe after drinking enough of that shit and picking out my weed for the night I might have enough courage to tip a cow. Who the fuck am I kidding? There's no way; those fuckers are big and scary and there's no way I can outrun one. Not gonna happen.

"So, it's a plan then." Rose grinned. "This is going to be so much fucking fun."

"Have you guys ever been cow tipping before?" I asked, because I really wanted to know that someone had and lived to tell about it. I watched as the group looked around eying each other before Emmett finally spoke.

"Well, I have with some friends from Cuba but not with these guys," he said shifting nervously.

What the hell was that about and why did he look so shifty?

I narrowed my eyes at him, ready to call him out when Edward piped up. "So, it will be a new experience for all of us together; a first." He leaned down getting next to my ear before he whispered, "And I can't wait to have you alone in a tent all night either, birthday girl."

My entire body shivered and my shoulders shook visibly at the idea of having Edward in a tent all to myself.

He laughed lowly, placing a kiss behind my ear before exhaling on my neck making goose bumps break out across my skin. I had no idea what the fuck we were talking about but it didn't matter anyway. Whatever it took to get this boy in a tent with me all night was worth it.

Over the next two weeks, things seemed to melt into a routine of sorts. I met a few more people at school, some were okay, others were just fucking painful to be in the same room with. I avoided those people as much as possible.

Peter walked me to second period everyday, much to Jasper's dismay. I liked Peter though. Peter was cool. Peter had turned out to be a pretty good buddy. Peter was a really fucking funny name to have. I liked to see how many times I could say his name in a conversation; I thought it was hilarious. Peter? Not so much.

I also managed to keep from damaging Edward's beautiful face in gym, although not without a little effort and a lot of luck. I just made sure we stayed as far away from one another as possible when I was required to do anything athletically, much to Edward's dismay. I assured him it was for the best.

Things with Edward were good. I still needed to come clean about everything, but just hadn't found the right time. Maybe when we went camping I could play "Funky Town" on the radio and just casually mention that the last time I heard this song I was pretending to be a stripper but fell on my face then got arrested and thrown in jail.

I was also schooled on what is known as football in the south. These fuckers were batshit crazy. They named their damn children after some of the players who went to school here or played for their favorite college teams. I was told that Friday nights were solely dedicated to watching the Wildcats play. That's our mascot; a big fucking pussy. Awesome.

Of course the college teams around here weren't much better. The Crimson Tide? Are you fucking kidding me? How can they not understand how nasty that shit sounds? And then to have a roll of toilet paper and a box of laundry detergent to represent it? Looks like a makeshift maxipad and some cleaning supplies for dirty underwear to me. Just sayin'.

Luckily Edward and the guys chose the slightly more classy Alabama team to pull for- the Auburn Tigers. Their mascot was a War Eagle, which I totally didn't understand either, but at least it didn't make me think of having my period.

The Wildcats had an away game this Friday, which worked out well since we would be going camping and, apparently, cow tipping. I still wasn't too keen on the idea, but Edward assured me that I would be too fucked up to care either way, so I was planning for that.

After we all packed up and loaded the cars we took off for some creek that they guys like to swim in to set up camp. On the way, Edward pulled out some new bud he'd just dried out for us to try. It was heaven. I wanted to get down on my knees and bow while repeating 'we are not worthy' over and over again.

A tap on the window made me jump and Edward laugh. I looked over to see Jasper grinning at me.

"Hey kids. You guys gonna sit there in the truck and stare out into space or come out and join the rest of us." He laughed. I looked up and, sure enough, everyone was standing around in various states of unpacking, staring at us with amused expressions on their faces.

I laughed and hopped out of the truck, smacking Jasper on the shoulder as I passed. He bumped me back before helping Edward and I unload all our gear. Emmett pulled out an outdoor stereo and turned on some tunes. We all joked and cut up while setting up our tents and the campsite.

"So, what's the plan for tonight?" I asked and sat my ass on the ground. Rose came over and sat down next to me with grin on her face that said trouble was well on it's way.

"Well, we have a batch of Swamp Frog made up for later and Edward has the coma inducing weed you guys apparently have already indulged in," she said giving me the side eye. "And I have this." She said with a flourish producing a plastic baggie filled with...mushrooms?

"Uh, okay," I said eying the bag. She brought veggies?

"Not veggies, dumb ass." She laughed. "You really are fucking baked. Shrooms, Bella. _Shooms._" She emphasized shaking the bag in front of my face. And fuck me running. Apparently borderline brain dead didn't stop me from speaking my inner monologue, just made me so fucking stupid I didn't realize when someone was holding a bag of fucking shrooms in front of my face.

"Fuck yes," I breathed taking the bag from her and inspecting the goodies. "This is going to be fucking epic."

"This is going to be a fucking shit show." Emmett laughed sitting down next to me.

"Really, Emmett? You want to bring up _shit_? After all we've been through together?" My chuckles turned into full on fucking snorting as Emmett glared and flipped me off.

"You're a _shitty_ friend," Emmett scolded before shaking with his own laughter.

But he was right. It was a fucking shit show thanks to the fucking concoction that was Swamp Frog.

Thirty minutes into our little camping trip, I was fucked up. The sun had began setting and the cooler air began creeping in on us. Emmett pulled out his ghetto version of a snuggie.

"What is that?" Alice slurred, squinting at Emmett's new article of clothing.

"It's a snuggie."

"No. The fuck? Is that a backward robe?" Jasper drawled this time and I swear to God I peed my pants.

Emmett scowled and flipped all of us off before muttering to himself. "Basically a snuggie..."

Edward sauntered over to where I was sitting and took in my lazy demeanor.

"Swamp Frog is treating you well," he said with a sly smile, sitting on the ground next to the folding chair I was sitting in.

"Swamp Frog is my friend," I agreed with a serious tone. "Now feed me. Please. I beg of you. I want a hot dog."

"Did you just beg Edward to feed you his hot dog?" Emmett howled, still wearing the ghetto fucking snuggie.

"Oh, fuck off," I snapped and attempted to stand from the chair. "Besides, I wouldn't have to _beg_ for him to give me anything. I'm pretty sure. Right?" I asked, this time looking to Edward for the answer.

He laughed and grabbed my leg, giving me a slight shake. Because that's what I _really_ needed- to feel as if there was a fucking earthquake beneath my feet. I was unstable as it was, the sexy bastard.

"What the hell am I going to do with you?" he asked quietly, pulling me down into his lap.

"Mm. Keep me?" I asked playfully, staring at his face with his stubble and soft eyes and slightly chapped lips.

"That shouldn't be a question," he replied before grabbing the back of my head and pulling me closer for a kiss.

"Anyone want a little chili on their dog?" Alice yelled and we focused on her stumbling form trying to hold up a can of chili.

"Is anyone else thinking of anal right now?" Jasper asked and caught the can of chili Alice chunked his way. "I'm just making sure I'm not a fucking pervert," he explained before Emmett bust out laughter.

"Me." He raised his hand. "I totally fucking thought of that, too." Emmett said, causing Jasper to look somewhat relieved.

"You shouldn't feel comforted that Emmett is the only other person who was thinking what you were," Edward drawled.

Yes. He drawled. I was watching his mouth as he said it. And it was hot.

"You have a hot mouth," I admitted, causing said hot mouth to curl up into a smile.

"Why don't you two fuck already?" Rose snipped before walking over to us and giving us each a few shrooms.

Well. I didn't have an answer to give her. Or...I did but I was pretty sure this was one of those times I should keep my mouth shut. So, I shoved the shrooms in my mouth to keep myself from saying anything embarrassing.

The look on Edward's face said he knew exactly what I was thinking.

After everyone consumed a decent amount of shrooms, we stuffed our faces with chili dogs and waited for the sun to completely set.

Once we were all in rare form, Emmett grabbed the cooler of Swamp Frog and we began our journey to tip some fucking cows.

"You all know this is a horrible idea, right?" Edward said loudly, holding a flashlight in one hand and my hand in the other.

"You didn't have to come," Alice said and had suddenly acquired an Australian accent.

"Who the fuck said that?" Emmett practically jumped into Jasper's arms.

"Chill, bro. Those bodies they found out in the woods was back in the sixties, and they were British, not Australian." Jasper stated.

"What's the difference? All those accents sound the same to me," Emmett admitted seriously and we all groaned as I tightened my grip on Edward's hand.

"Stop, you guys," Edward said with a laugh. "You're scaring Bella. She's gonna pee her pants again."

"Alright, fuckers. That's enough of 'let's fuck with Bella' time. It's my birthday assholes and I wanna tip some fucking cows."

That shut them right up until we finally made it to the field where at least fifteen cows were waiting to be tipped.

I lied.

I did not want to tip any of the fucking cows.

"Just sneak up on 'em and push, Bella. They aren't going to eat you," Edward instructed, looking all too fucking amused at the panic attack I was having.

I turned and glanced at the others who were running a full on sprint to catch their victims and having a merry fucking time attempting to cow tip.

"I don't see you trying," I snapped at Edward as Emmett ran around the field with Rose riding piggy back, yelling at the cows to 'fucking tip over, bitches!'.

"Lemme hop on," I slurred and tried turning Edward around.

"Whatever, no way," he argued.

"Rose gets to ride Emmett! I want to ride you!" I stomped my foot and immediately felt the squish instead of the hard ground. "I totally just fucking stepped in shit, didn't I?"

Edward looked down and began crying with laughter. "Well, you aren't going to ride me now, that's for sure."

Jasper ran over to add more Swamp Frog to his plastic cup. Alice was off by herself, singing to the cows.

"_I never saw a purple cow; I hope I might see one now; the shrooms will help, they come from you; we totally picked them from your poo_!"

"She's lost her mind," I mused.

"I'd fucking hope so." Jasper laughed and ran off to sing with Alice.

After a while of our failed attempt at cow tipping, we all met back up at the cooler to catch our breath. The shrooms were in full affect and we all kind of zoned in and out laughing at random shit. The last thing I remember was sucking on a piece of fruit that had been floating in the Swamp Frog and telling Edward this is what he had to look forward to later.

...

It was bright.

I smelled shit. And I hurt.

I groaned and shielded my eyes from the sun beating down on my face.

_Why does this keep happening to me,_ I thought to myself before I opened my eyes to be greeted with a fucking cow's ass.

Not the way one should wake up in the morning.

I glanced around at everyone else face fucking first on the ground, snoring away. Except Jasper who looked like he was either gonna get some action or his dick chewed off by the cow munching on grass between his legs.

But I was the only one surrounded by the cows. They had me fucking hostage and I knew they were doing this shit on purpose.

"Help," I said in a strained voice. "Help!"

"The fuck?" Emmett snorted as awoke and took in the sight around him. "Hell fuckin' yeah! Good fucking night."

"Help, you asshole," I whisper yelled as he turned his head to find me trapped.

"I don't know," he mused and stood, dusting himself off. "This is totally fucking payback for throwing shit in my mouth."

"If you didn't open your mouth so fucking wide when you laughed, that would have never happened!" I argued then realized...I shouldn't be fighting back. He'd never help me and I'd be trapped here forever, living amongst the cows-

"Chill. Even if I wanted to leave you with the cows, Edward would never allow it."

Emmett slowly walked over and I stared with wide eyes as he flinched towards the cows and said, "What now? Huh? Move it, punk ass bitch!"

"You suck at this," I scowled before saving myself and crawling under one of the cows like a soldier. I was a bad ass. I totally didn't scream the entire time I was crawling underneath those fuckers.

"Who is getting murdered?" Edward asked in a strained voice as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Why...what the...What are you doing?"

"Saving myself from being eaten by the cows," I explained and dusted myself off.

"They are herbivores, you moron," Rose said, suddenly appearing out of no where. "They wouldn't touch you any more than I would fucking touch schwag weed."

"You okay?" Edward asked as he made his way over to me, picking out leaves and grass from my hair.

I stared up at him and nodded before my cheeks flushed.

Despite the failed attempt at cow tipping and the fucking waking up in a field surrounded by killer cows, I was starting to realize that maybe this is where I belonged.

Not, like, in a field with killer cows and mounds of shit everywhere. But, here- with these people. With Edward. In intercourse.

"Yeah. I think I'm okay," I insisted and grabbed his hand.

Our moment was cut short when Jasper's very girly scream caught our attention.

"Well, shit. Looks like you're not the only one who pisses her pants, Swan," Emmett bellowed and we stared at Jasper who was frantically crawling away from the cow who was about to eat his dick. Yeah. His pants were soaked.

_I'm never going cow tipping again...  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**_  
><em>

**Meg: We got our beverages? Good to go for a/n?**

**Liv: Yes ma'am**

**Meg: That was a long chapter. How many times did you change your underwear?**

**Liv: Dude, I just finally grabbed one of my kid's pull-ups after the first few pairs.**

**Meg: Wet from peeing or wet from Edward's swoon-worthy moments?**

**Liv: Sometimes it was hard to tell, just a lot of wet. That's kinda gross, yeah?**

**Meg: Eh, yeah, but no one here will judge you. If they do- they are reading the wrong fucking fic.**

**Liv: So...I maybe pissed some readers off with the football jokes.**

**Meg: Probably. But that's what you were going for, right? Besides, everything you said was true. They can't get mad if it's true.**

**Liv: And I do live in TN, it's like sacrilege not to make fun of Bama.**  
><strong><br>Meg: Just like it's sacrilege not to get wet while thinking of Edward?**  
><strong><br>Liv: Exactly. So are we gonna touch on the cow tippin? The chili dogs?**

**Meg: Haven't we scarred the poor readers enough?**

**Liv: HAHAHAHA. Okay. How about a little outtake for reviewers of Emmett's cow tipping experience?**  
><strong><br>Meg: I'm scared.**  
><strong><br>Liv: You should be. Spooning may be involved. **  
><strong><br>Meg: I wouldn't expect any less from our dear Emmett.  
><strong>_  
><em>


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Nine<strong>

After the epic fail that was cow tipping, combined with the killer hangovers we were all suffering from, the thought of spending another night in the woods held little interest for any of us. Plus, in a couple of hours when the sun started heating up, Jasper was going to start smelling ripe.

As we moved about the campsite collecting all of our belongings I looked longingly at the tent that never was. Edward came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"You know, we can stay if you want," he said, placing a kiss on my neck before wrinkling his nose.

I sniffed, wondering what he was making a face about when I smelled it. Shit. Again. I looked down and noticed that my right shoe was covered in cow shit. I sighed.

"Do I even want to know?" I asked resigned.

"I couldn't tell you if you did." He laughed. "But unless you plan on walking without shoes the rest of the time we're here and bathing in that creek, I guess our camping trip is over."

"Let's pack it up then. I'll even throw my shoes in the back of the truck if you promise we can smoke on the way home. I _need _this headache to go away," I whined.

"Well, there are other ways to relieve a headache," he said, leering at me with a playful sneer before pulling a face. "Ouch." He laughed quietly. "Even that shit hurt. So, yeah. We can smoke until our heads float off if you want."

Rose seemed more sluggish than the rest of us, dragging everything she picked up behind her like Linus on Charlie Brown. And poor Alice was doing most of the heavy lifting for her and Jasper since he was hiding out in his truck probably dying a slow death of mortification. He really should just get over it, I mean what's a little piss in the pants amongst friends.

After everything was packed away we all copped a squat, at least that's what Emmett called it, and shared a little more of Edward's killer bud. We tried to piece together what had happened the night before but it seemed that moonshine doubles as a mind eraser as well.

"Why do I keep remembering something about a purple cow?" I asked confused. Why in the hell was I thinking about purple cows.

"Maybe your thinking about that D12 song Purple Pills?" Alice asked causing me to snort.

"You know that song?" I asked amused. I really hadn't noticed the kind of music Alice listened to, but I couldn't picture her shaking her money maker to D12.

"Oh yeah, Alice is a regular Too Short." Jasper chuckled. Apparently the weed had loosened him up some. We laughed when Alice flipped us off and decided to call it a day and head out.

I flung my shoes in the back of the truck and dug out the extra pair of shorts I brought before hopping in the cab of the truck next to Edward. As we pulled out of the woods I decided that this weekend was not going to be a complete bust for me, there was still sex to be had. I noticed Edward had sort of zoned out so I took the opportunity to unbutton my pants and start sliding them down my legs.

Suddenly, we hit a bump and I was flung forward in the seat causing me to smack my head on the windshield before falling into the floorboard of the truck with my jeans tangled around my knees.

"What the fuck, Edward!" I yelled struggling to grab on to the seat and dashboard to balance myself. When I looked up I noticed the truck had stopped and we were actually sitting on the side of the road. So it wasn't a bump in the road then. Looking to Edward I found him staring at me, his lips slightly parted and his glazed eyes staring down at me.

It was then that I realized I was on my knees, my hand practically on his junk, with my pants half way down my legs. I looked up at him through my lashes and smirked.

"See something you like?" I asked, playing up the fact that we were both high so it didn't sound nearly as corny as it normally would have.

He licked his lips then asked, "Bella, not that I'm complaining, but why the fuck are you taking your pants off?"

I huffed, feeling completely stupid that my attempt at seduction had failed so miserably. Pushing myself back into the seat and going ahead and yanking my pants the remainder of the way off I turned to Edward who's mouth was hanging open just a bit.

"I just thought, that maybe, if you got another glimpse at the goods we could forgot about what a complete failure last night turned out to be and get the focus back on what's really important." I finished in exasperation waiving my arms overhead.

"And what important thing do we need to refocus our attention on, Bella?"

And holy fucking shit, that was not Edward's usual voice. It had dropped, sounding smooth and dark like melted fucking chocolate. It made me want to run my tongue across every surface of his body to see if he tasted as sinful as he sounded. I looked up meeting his eyes which were considerably clearer, noticeably darker, and just plain begging for me to fuck him into next week.

"The sex," I breathed, inching closer to him as he began running his hands up my thighs and spreading my legs in the process.

"What sex, Bella?" he whispered lowering his face to my neck and blowing his warm breath across my skin as his hand caressed my upper thigh, his thumb sweeping down between my legs over my panties. He moved his thumb up and down once more, adding a little more pressure, teasing me until I was so turned on that I could feel myself throbbing in my chest. As his lips descended on my skin and his other hand cupped my boob, he pressed his thumb into my panties directly over my pulsing clit. He rolled his thumb over it a few passes more before I heard angels singing hallelujah.

Never in my life have I come so fast or so hard in my entire life. I felt like a thirteen year old boy blowing his load during his first wet dream. But I honestly could give a fuck less at this point because Edward was still kissing my neck and whispering dirty words into my ear as I came back from sweet sweet bliss.

"The sex," I sighed, "that we should have had last night. We should really see about getting to that as soon as possible."

I moved my hand over his stomach and down the front of his pants when a car passed by and the driver laid on the horn. We both jumped and looked to see Emmett, or at least his ass pressed against the window of the passenger door. We both laughed, the moment becoming awkward because Emmett had a hairy fucking ass. Hairy ass can ruin a moment for a person.

"Why do I have the feeling that will not be the last time I see Emmett's ass?" I asked as I shook my head.

Edward adjusted himself and cleared his throat, handing me my shorts.

I sighed pathetically as I realized there was not going to be any sex. I wasn't sure how much longer I could put up with this shitty fate I was dealt. I wanted the sex. The constant bulge in his pants led me to believe he definitely _needed _the sex.

_Dear God. I know this isn't what a normal person would be praying for, but goddammit, I want that cock so bad-_

"Why are you huffing?" Edward asked, cutting off my prayer. It was probably for the best.

Grabbing my shorts I asked, "So, no sex then? That's it?"

"Hairy ass does that to a person," he said seriously before looking out his window to pull back out on the road.

Edward helped me carry my things to the door once we finally made it to my house and told me he had to work tomorrow..

"I have to work tomorrow too, but feel free to stop by and distract me whenever you...get off."

"That'd be nice," he said with a smirk. "I'll see what I can do, Clingy."

I scoffed. "Clingy? No way. I was just-"

"Wanting to spend your every second with me?" he raised his eyebrows before bursting out in laughter.

"Well. You; the weed. Same thing, right?" I sassed.

"Does the weed get you off?" he countered, stepping closer to me.

Fucker.

He had me on that one.

"Did I finally out-banter the banter queen? I've never heard you be this quiet before. Talk. Pockets? You're scaring me," he fake pleaded, yanking on my hand.

"What are the chances of you fucking me on this porch right now?"

Edward choked a laugh before running his hand through his hair.

"Didn't think so. I'll see you Monday," I quipped giving him a quick kiss before pulling out of his grip as he tried to keep me in place. Running straight up the stairs and to the shower I removed the remaining debris and shit from my body and fell into bed, not moving again until the next morning.

Sunday passed by with work and little else. Emmett wasn't there so it was rather uneventful and completely boring.

Edward didn't stop by after he got off from work. I chalked that up to him having a raging boner since day one and had decided to spend his time locked away jerking it. That thought was shot to hell when he sent me a text saying he had to help his mom haul dozens of cakes to the church for the annual cake walk, but that he'd pick me up for school Monday. I didn't know what he was talking about. Who the fuck walks on cakes? I'd have investigate that shit later.

When I hopped into Edward's truck Monday morning I was met with with a kiss and a smile. So much better than a Coke.

"You ready for the game Friday?"

"I'm not really that into high school football." I shrugged and shoved part of a Nutri-Grain bar in my mouth, handing Edward half.

"Okay. I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," he said slowly before accepting the breakfast bar, but not without shaking his head.

I side-eyed him as I chewed slowly.

Edward quickly got over his disdain for my not giving a fuck about shitty high school football and blurted out, "Go to the homecoming dance with me."

"Screw that," I deadpanned.

"It'll be fun."

"No. I don't do dances," I said seriously because fuck that. "Why do you look genuinely shocked right now? Do I look like the type to get dressed up, wear a corsage and drink fucking punch?"

"Come on Bella, it'll be fun."

"No. Just..no," I said crossing my arms over my chest letting him know this conversation was over.

He eyed me for a second before smiling at me in a way that got me hot and bothered. Like, seriously bothered because that smile let me know this discussion was far from over.

"We'll see."

Yep, just like I thought. Fucker.

School passed much like the last few weeks with the exception of the pep rally on Friday since it was a home game. People were dressed in school colors, some had their faces painted, some even work headgear like the mascot. See, just like I said before- bat shit crazy.

Edward was helping the guys do some things after school, so I hitched a ride home with Alice and Rose who decided we should all get ready together for the game. I still didn't see the big deal, but Rose said she had a surprise for us at her house and that was incentive enough for me.

Alice and I plopped down on Rose's bed while she rummaged around in her closet looking for God knows what.

"So, tonight should be interesting," Alice mused.

"And why is that?" I asked, if she was making the effort to chit chat then it must be good.

"Because the condom tamperer will be at the game tonight and this will be the first time she's been around you outside of school since the bonfire," Alice stated, but something in her tone let me know she was leaving something out.

"And?"

"Hold the fuck up!" Rose shouted from the depths of her closet causing Alice and I to jump.

"What the hell Rose, are you snorting a line in there cause you sound fucking manic," I said leaning over the side of the bed to try and see her. I mean, if she was getting geeked up she seriously needed to share.

Rose came out of the closet giving me the side eye before sitting on the floor in front of the bed.

"No, Bella. I'm not on shit right now. I just want to see your face when Alice tells you the 'rest of the story'," she finished in a deep voice sounding like Paul Harvey. I miss that guy. Charlie used to get high and listen to him. There are so many things I will never know the rest of the story about.

"Well," Alice drawled fingering her hair as Rose leaned in closer, a huge fucking smile on her face. "We overheard her today in gym telling some of her friends that she was asking Edward to the homecoming dance, and since they had such an awesome time last year there's no way he wouldn't want a repeat," she finished with a raised eyebrow. Rose still had that creepy smile of anticipation on her face that was seriously starting to wig me out.

I leaned back on my elbows trying to work out exactly what was going through my mind. I mean, obviously it would be a cold fucking day in hell before that has-been bitch laid a finger on Edward. What I couldn't figure out was what pissed me off more, the thought of her and Edward together or that she was totally disregarding the fact that we were obviously together. Even though we hadn't declared anything, she didn't know that, so basically she was being a boyfriend stealing whore that would have to be fitted with a pair of cement shoes instead of stilettos.

"No fucking way," I said as I stood up. I was getting angrier the more I thought about it. I'm not a jealous person, so it had to be the fact that she was disrespecting me. Yeah, that was totally it. Rude disrespectful bitch.

"Well, what are you going to do?" Rose asked, eyes all alight and shit. You'd think it was fucking Christmas.

"Hmm." I tapped my chin thinking of how I should handle this situation. "I think I'll play this one by ear, girls. She may give me all the inspiration I need when I see her tonight. Now what the hell were you rooting around in that closet for?" I asked sitting back down on the bed.

She pulled a huge ass mason jar from behind her back that was a pretty soft peach color. I had a feeling the color was deceiving and what was in that jar was anything but soft.

"Peach moonshine!" she beamed. "My cousin brought it over last night when he came with his folks for dinner. But he did warn me not to drink this while around anything flammable and, by the looks of his charred eyebrows, I say we should probably listen to him."

She opened up the jar and I swear I saw her hair blow back from the force of the alcohol escaping the jar. Holy fuck. She took a small sip before coughing a strangled 'holy shit!'.

We passed the jar around as we sat in the floor and cut up and laughed. Finally deciding in our drunken states it was going to take much longer to get ready than normal we put the yummy peaches away and got ready for the game.

"Emmett!" I yelled across the parking lot of the school as we stumbled out of our car giggling. His head whipped around with a huge grin on his face as he took in the sight of the three of us.

"Rose," he scolded, walking over to us, "Did you drive here?" Uh oh, somebody's in trouble.

"Nope," she replied immediately, hooking her thumb towards me. "Bella did." _Say huh?_

"Uh, Rose, I definitely didn't drive. Maybe Alice?" I asked and looked over towards the car where Alice was...what the fuck was Alice doing? She was on the roof on the car with a jacket, maybe, under her ass sliding down the back windshield.

"...weee, it's like a slide!" she giggled before falling over on her side. _So_ hoping Alice wasn't the one who drove.

Rose made a surprised face clapping both hands to her cheeks like that kid from Home Alone. "Great Scott Bella! The time machine worked!" She clapped her hands together before hooking her arm though mine and walking towards the field leaving poor Emmett standing there confused. I couldn't blame the guy, I didn't know what the hell was going on either, but Rose had the peach stuff so I was going with her.

"So, what are we supposed to do here?" I asked swaying, because honestly I had never been to a high school football game before.

"Well, some kids hang out behind the bleachers over there," she pointed to the far side of the bleachers where smoke could be seen wafting up in the air. "Some people just make loops around the field making sure that everyone sees them when they pass," she said again pointing at a group of girls already en route.

"What do we do?" I asked because neither one of those options sounded very appealing.

"We sit in the bleachers in the back over there and watch the fucking game," she said, leaving no room for argument. "And tonight we watch the game while drinking peach moonshine." Well I could get behind that shit.

We stumbled over to the bleachers where Jasper and Edward were already sitting. Behind us we could hear Emmett trying to drag Alice over without causing a scene.

"Hey," Edward said scooting over making room for me. "What the hell is wrong with Alice?" he asked, laughing as Emmett drug her up the steps.

"There's nothing wrong with Alice, she's just Peachy," I said, laughing. Edward gave me a funny look before he leaned over and gave me a kiss. He pulled back and licked his lips before smirking.

"Ah, peaches. I get it now," he said before smacking Rose on the arm.

"Hey-" she started before Edward cut her off.

"You know better than to give Alice moonshine when she has to be in public. It's the only thing we've found that really fucks her up," he said shaking his head, but he was smiling so I knew he thought that shit was funny too. Plus it wasn't like he would have to deal with her or anyone else in her state.

The game started and I listened as Edward explained the teams, positions and penalties. It all sounded very sexual to me, and it was totally hot listening to Edward get so into it. Rose and I continued to pass the jar back in forth through the first half of the game.

"I fucking love football!" I shouted as our team scored a touchdown putting us ahead half way through the fourth quarter. That's right, I knew what a touchdown was, gimme six bitch!

"Bella," Edward laughed pulling me back down, "you ready to get out of here?"

"Fuck no! The game's still going," I said waiving my arm towards the field as I tried not to fall off the bench.

"Unless...are we going to have sex?" I asked excited at the thought. "Cause if we are finally gonna do it then we need to get the fuck outta here right now," I said, standing. Rose and Alice were laughing their asses while the guys sat there looking at us with part amusement part annoyance.

"So serious," I said putting my hands on Edwards cheeks and squeezing his lips together like a fish.

"C'mere," he said standing and pulling my body flush with his. Ohhhh, sex it is then.

It seemed everyone was in agreement for the sex so we stumbled down the bleachers towards the parking lot when someone rudely stepped into our path.

"Condom Tamperer." I laughed. "I was wondering when you would come poking around. Poking." I laughed again as Rose grabbed onto my arm and pulled herself to stand beside me.

She gave me a nasty look before turning towards Edward and plastering a smile on her face. Imma 'bout to fuck this bitch up.

"I actually just need to talk to Edward for a minute, so if you don't mind-"

"Oh I fucking mind," I said moving to step in between her and Edward. I'll be damned if this bitch was going to put herself in between me and Edward, literally or figuratively.

"I wasn't actually asking for your permission," she said sarcastically putting her hand on her hip.

_Dear God, in my most inebriated state I ask you to please give me the strength not to cut this bitch. I've been to jail; I didn't like it. And I still need to have sex with Edward. Thanks, er...Amen._

I reached behind me and palmed Edward's junk causing him to jump and let out a surprised choking laugh. Maggie's eyes widened as she looked down at my hand.

"You see this?" I asked giving him a little squeeze for emphasis, plus well it was nice. "This is mine. You are not to think about it, look at it, or do anything that would remotely piss me off about it." I said moving closer to her without removing my hand. I could hear all the guys behind me laughing, I think Edward was holding my hand in place on his junk, but I couldn't be sure.

"If you do, I will pussy punch you so hard your kidneys will fall out your ass." I threatened before flinching towards her causing her to fall back. I laughed and gave Edward one more good squeeze before letting go, for now.

"Fuck pissing on his leg Bella," Alice said as we stumbled drunk as shit along the edge of the hill overlooking the creek down below. "You just fucking tattooed your name across his dick!" She laughed and I flinched towards her like I was all bad ass and shit; which caused me to lose my balance.

And then I was flying. Or tumbling. Or rolling. I don't know, but I was fucking moving down a big fucking hill and could do nothing to stop my self. I heard the others shouting but there wasn't shit I could do but hang on until I hit the bottom.

My body slammed into something hard, fuck if I knew what it was, causing me to finally stop my roly-poly impersonation, which made me laugh because what the fuck was I talking about. Which is how Edward found me seconds later. His hands were frantically moving over my face as I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Only I could flinch at someone and end up being the one on their ass.

"Bella, fuck, are you okay?" he asked moving my hair from my face. "Shit!" he shouted pulling his hand away from my face. "Someone call 911 she's bleeding from her head." He yanked his shirt over his head and pressed it to my forehead. Now, I realize he said I was bleeding but, holy fuck, he did not need to be getting naked in front of me right now.

"Your body is fucking beautiful Edward," I said reaching out to run my hand along his abs. He laughed at me and grabbed my hand with his free one.

"Well, at least we know there's no brain damage. Your one track mind is still fully functioning," he said pulling my hand to his mouth and placing a kiss on my palm.

"Seriously Pockets, you scared the shit out of me," he whispered pulling me into his arms and standing up. He carried me up the hill just as the ambulance's flashing lights came into view. Ah shit. I did not need an ambulance, it didn't even hurt.

"Edward, it's really not a big deal, lets just get in your truck and go park somewhere," I slurred feeling a little more drunk than I had earlier. Probably because my body was just shaken around like a damn martini.

"Bella, you look like you just stepped out of a fucking horror movie. You're bleeding everywhere," he said pulling his shirt away and showing it to me for emphasis. It was pretty bloody. "You're gonna need stitches, so come on lets go."

After much protesting on my part and some arguing between Emmett and Edward about who was riding with me in the ambulance we were off.

When we got to the emergency room it was pretty packed. They put me on a bed in the hall and told me to lie down and someone would be with me soon. Soon still hadn't happened half an hour later and between the moonshine and the blood loss I was fucking hammered. And apparently in the mood for karaoke. Maybe my singing would help me get out of here sooner.

"Millions of peaches, peaches for me. Millions of peaches, peaches for free. Cause I gotta lump, lump, it's on my head." I laughed as Edward shook his head.

Emmett walked up to the side of my bed laughing, "You realize they're gonna kick your ass outta here if you don't quit that terrible singing."

"Pfft. Someone better get their ass out here right now. I swear to fuck, if my face gets fucked up from their poor ass response time I'm going to report them. To someone!" I said loudly drawing a few stares my way. Good.

"Where's everyone else?" I asked Emmett noticing it was just the three of us.

"Jasper took them to get some food and try and sober up, we thought it'd be easier containing just one of you," he said, eying me.

Just then a woman walked up to us giving me an annoyed look. The fuck?

"I'm Dr. Tanya Denali, I'll be giving you your stitches," she said with distaste. Uh, no you will fucking not. This woman did not want to do this shit, I could tell. She looked too fucking young to be a doctor. There was no fucking way some scrub was sticking a needle through my face. Plus, she had this really big fucking mole on her chin that had hair growing out of it like a fucking Chia Pet.

"Excuse me?" she asked looking shocked while Edward and Emmett snickered behind her.

"What?" I asked, playing innocent because I might have just sang the Chia Pet song. That shit's catchy. "I have a head injury, I don't know what I'm saying."

What happened next was all a blur, probably because that bitch decided that it would be better to stitch me up without numbing the area causing my ass to black out from the pain. The next thing I knew she was gone, I had a patch on my forehead, and everywhere hurt like a motherfucker.

"Why the hell am I not surprised?" Jane's amused voice forced me to open my eyes.

"Jane! I've never been happier to see you," I slurred. "How do I look?" I batted my lashes before the batting turned into full on twitching.

"Like you just stepped out of a horror film," she said and I swear to God, fucking deja vu. Hasn't I heard that before? That shit is too creepy for my simple mind to comprehend. "That has got to hurt." Jane crossed her arms.

"Well, it doesn't feel good. Especially since Dr. Chia fucked me without any lube."

"Doctor...and what?" Jane asked in confusion but laughed anyway because she knew this was about to get good.

"That blond bitch with the hairy mole stitched me up without numbing the area!"

"And she tried to shave Bella's head before Edward threatened to remove her mole with the razor she was holding," Emmett piped up from behind her.

"What exactly happened, anyway? I'm going to need a good story for my smoking circle later tonight," Jane said while crossing her arms over her chest.

"It all started when Bella said she was going to pussy punch the condom tamperer," Emmett said a little too excitedly.

Jane rolled her eyes. "Ah, the beginning of a great story. Go on."

"So, Bella was pissing on Edward's leg-"

"No I fucking did not!" I snapped. Because I wasn't that drunk. Fuck.

"Not literally," Emmett explained with a devious smile. "Anyway..." he continued as I kind of zoned out as he finished the story with my Humpty Dumpty fall. At this point, Jane was doubled over in laughter and Emmett looked pleased as a peacock for being able to tell the story again.

"So you-" Jane gasped trying to catch her breath, "fell all the way down the hill before slamming into a tree. And this is after you molested your boyfriend in front of half she school," she said, wiping her eyes.

"Yup." Emmett said, "Cause that's how she rolls...literally," he bellowed before walking down the hall.

"That's the best thing I've heard all week," Jane said seriously. "I mean, I'm glad you're okay. But...pussy punch?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'd like to see what you'd come up with after drinking peach moonshine. I thought I was classy too before the dick gropes and the pussy punches."

"You're lucky I'm a down ass chick and not going to tell Charlie about this."

"Down ass chick?" I snorted. Yeah. I guess she was. "Hey, Jane?"

"Yeah, kid?

"Hook a sista up. To an IV. Please? Since you're a down ass chick and all."

"I would if I could. I have to get back to work. The crazies need me. I just wanted to come by and see you so I can use this against you in the future."

"Damn. You're kind of evil. But I like it."

"Eh, I have my moments." Jane smirked before leaving.

I sat by myself for ten minutes, wondering if those fuckers up and left me. I should've spent that time reflecting on what the hell I did and why I drank so much, but instead, I sang the lyrics to Dune Buggy and laughed my ass off. Yeah. By myself.

Edward finally turned the corner and shook his head. "Maybe we should have you admitted while we're here."

"You would try to get rid of me."

"Nah. You're too amusing. I think I'll keep you around a little longer," Edward said as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Was fucking in hospitals allowed? I didn't see why not. This place was sterile.

"So, I was thinking." Edward stared me down, wrapped his fingers around my hand and said, "Since you publicly claimed my dick and everything, I figured the least you could do is go to the dance with me."

"Aw, fuck. You're doing this now? When I'm drunk and all...just...fucking wanting your dick?"

"Well. Yeah."

"Fine. You know what? Fine. I'll go to the stupid dance. But I better get some action from you." I warned.

"I think I can help you out with that." He laughed. "Let's get you out of here," he said helping me up.

I signed all the necessary papers, thank fuck I was eighteen, and headed home.

Getting past Charlie was a little more difficult than I expected. Either dude was really serious about me straightening my ass out or he was out of weed and had nothing better to do than hover over me. Either way he relented that it was entirely possible for me to go ass over elbows down a hill completely sober.

The entire next week of school was pretty much a retelling of my epic pussy punch speech and my rumble tumble down the hill. I had hoped it would blow over much sooner, but in a town where nothing ever happens, even the most mundane things tend to hold people's attention much longer than it should.

My bright spot to this shit show was how the condom tamperer avoided me at all times. I started following her at one point just to see what she would do, after her third attempt to hide in the janitor's closet I felt comfortable that she got the fucking message and left her the fuck alone.

The next week was the week of the dance and these people acted like they lost their fucking minds. The girls were going on and on about this shitty dance and all the guys talked about was the game and then fucking the crazy girls after said dance. I mean, why not skip the shitty dance in the gym with the cheap ass crepe paper from Party City and go straight for the fucking? God, how I hope I get to go straight to the fucking. It's been two and a half months since I first laid eyes on Edward and I want him. So fucking bad.

I've accepted that something is different here, with him. I'm not entirely sure what that different is or if I'm okay with it, but I've decided I'm just going to go with it and see what the fuck happens.

The night of the dance Alice and Rose come to my house to get ready, sans moonshine. We figured we'd at least attempt to be somewhat coherent since we would be in a confined space with adults. Not that we were going to be completely sober, because fuck that. There's no way I'll get through this sober.

After a little smoke and a lot of primping, which was not nearly as bad when I was high, we waited for the guys to come get us. We were all riding separate for obvious reasons. We were totally going to have sex.

All of the guys showed up around the same time as Jane and Charlie, who seemed surprised and pleased that I was going somewhere that the dancing didn't involve a pole. He also seemed much more mellow which confirmed my suspicions that he was out of weed. As I walked out the door past Jane she gave me a little fist bump and told me that Charlie's script had been refilled and I should try to behave with an exaggerated wink. Jane was dope, of this I was certain.

"You look nice Pockets," Edward said pulling me towards his truck.

Yeah, he looked pretty fucking nice too. This wasn't a formal dance, just the kind where you got to put on one of your cuter dresses that were too dressy for everyday wear. Edward was wearing black dress pants and grey button down shirt, sans tie. And he looked fucking delicious.

He helped me into the truck and started off to the dance.

"Wait," I said loudly as we passed the school. Because, what the hell? "Where the fuck are we going?"

Edward grinned and said, "Camping. If that's cool with you? I mean, I know you had other plans for the evening and everything."

"So, you aren't forcing me to go to the fucking dance?" I asked, just to make everything fucking crystal clear.

"Screw that," Edward snipped with laughter. "Do I look like the type to get dressed up, wear a corsage and drink fucking punch?"

"You're an idiot. But a cool fucking idiot because I was about to write you off after tonight," I admitted. Or, lied. There was probably more truth in the latter.

"Don't try lying to me, Pockets," Edward chided.

"I can't believe you fucking planned all of this," I said.

Edward laughed and pulled my body closer to his. "I can't believe you fucking thought I actually wanted to go to the dance."

"Well. What was I supposed to think?"

He shrugged and grinned at me. "Maybe I just really wanted to see you in a dress."

"Edward I want to get naked with you, the dress really isn't that important." I deadpanned.

A laugh burst forth from Edward with a quiet 'fuck me' as his cheeks turned pink. He was so fucking sexy.

"That's the plan." I quipped happily, I might have bounced in my seat a little. Edward shook his head at me and squeezed my shoulder.

"So where are we going, crap I don't have any clothes with me. I don't want to mess this dress up. And what about you, you can't traipse through the woods like that," I said rapidly already trying to figure a way to sneak back into my house and swipe some clothes.

"Whoa, Bella, calm down." He laughed. "The girls decided to get ready at your house for a reason," he said and nodded to the back of the truck where I could see my backpack sticking up. Sneaky little bitches. I really loved those hookers. "And I have a change of clothes, too, so everything is fine. I even went ahead and set up the tent and cooler so we wouldn't have to worry about that when we got there."

I gave him a sly smile. "Eager much?" I asked smirking. The next thing I knew my hand was pulled to his junk and pressed firmly on his very hard bulge. Well, I guess that would be a yes then.

"What do you think?" he asked mirroring my thoughts. "If I jack off one more time I could probably receive a disability check for the damage I've done to my wrist." he said seriously, causing me to laugh.

"So why the dressing up then? Why not just tell me? You would have gotten a lot less resistance from me that way." I asked slightly confused.

"Uh..." he stuttered then cleared his throat. "I actually did plan on taking you to the dance," he said sheepishly. "Then I saw you in that fucking dress and it was all I could do not to hoist you up on that porch railing, rip off your panties, and fuck you right there like you'd asked me to," he said, his breaths sort of choppy.

And holy fucking shit, my heart was about to pound right the fuck out of my chest. I felt like I had just took a hit of speed the way my hands started to shake and all of my limbs felt kind of disconnected from the rest of my body. I noticed a bead of sweat had formed near my temple and all I could do was mouth 'fuck' as I tried to compose myself.

I looked over at Edward feeling a little crazed at his words, he must have noticed too, because whatever look I had on my face caused him to grip the steering wheel tightly and bite down harshly on his lower lip. He flexed his fingers and pinched his eyes together tightly before taking a deep breath.

"Bella," he said with a tremble in his voice. "For the love of God, please stop looking at me like sin and sex and heaven long enough for me to get us to the fucking campsite," he pleaded.

I licked my lips and shakily ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm my racing pulse as I nodded my head. There has just been way too much build up and I think we were both about to explode.

"How much longer?" I asked fidgeting with the hem of my dress. I tried not to look at him, I really couldn't be held responsible for my actions if I did.

"About fifteen minutes?" he said like a question. "Distract me with something," he said leaning over to roll down his window some.

"Gimme a joint," I demanded holding out my hand. He gave a strange look before reaching into the ashtray and pulling out a half smoked joint.

"As worked up as we both are, we need something to dull our senses or we'll both be done within two minutes," I said lighting the joint and taking a long pull. He nodded his head in agreement as I handed the joint over to him.

Fifteen minutes later we reached the campsite and were both much calmer. We hopped out of his truck and he grabbed our bags before pulling me over towards the tent.

"Here," he said handing me my bag. "Go ahead and change into something else so you don't mess up your dress and I'll start the fire and get us some food." The rumble of my stomach agreed so I crawled into the tent to change, fucking munchies.

I decided there was no reason to get fully dressed again since I didn't plan on staying that way for long so I settled for the large t-shirt in my bag and grabbed the flip flops stuffed down in the side.

Edward had already changed and lit the fire when I came out. He looked over and me and smirked apparently understanding my lack of clothing and motioned for me to come over and sit with him. He pulled out some sandwiches and beers while I spread out the blanket and sat down.

We ate our food, sipping on the beers while we stretched out chatting about school and all kinds of other random shit. A few minutes later he leaned up on one elbow turning on his side to face me, his face serious. He reached out and grabbed the beer in my hand without looking away from me and threw it away from us.

Moving his hand to my hip he tugged my body closer to his, running his hand from my lower back to my neck and back down again. Without speaking he leaned over and touched his lips to mine moving his hand over my ass and down my thigh.

"Hey, Pockets," he whispered against my lips.

"Yeah?" I answered pathetically.

"I think we should move into the tent."

All I could mange to do was nod. Edward unzipped the tent and held it open as I crawled in and made myself comfortable.

He struggled with the zipper and I had to fucking laugh.

"Forget it," I whispered and grabbed the back of his shirt forcing him to lie next to me.

"Forgotten," he said with a laugh.

"Shut the fuck up, are you nervous?" I blurted out.

"No. What? No. I'm about to tear that pussy up," he said seriously and I burst into laughter. Like, ugly fucking laughter that probably made him question if he wanted to do this or not. "Are you done?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yes. Sorry. Let the fucking begin."

"You can stop talking now," Edward mumbled, bringing his mouth to my neck, causing my laughter to die down.

"Uh. Okay..." I whispered and closed my eyes as his hands traveled under my shirt and over my stomach. "Yeah. No talking. That works for me."

Edward kissed his way along my jaw, over to my lips as he lifted my shirt over my head. He sat up and, with one hand, pulled his shirt over his head before throwing it across the tent.

"Take these off," he murmured quietly, tugging at my underwear.

I pulled them down to my ankles as he grabbed a condom out of his shorts pocket. He looked back at me and gave me a small smile as he kicked off his shoes & pulled down his soccer shorts. He laid back down, next to me, and I pouted.

"I-"

He shushed me by bringing his hand between my legs.

"No foreplay," I managed to spit out as he slid one finger inside me, practically already on the verge of coming.

"You don't want the foreplay?" he asked, adding a second finger and fucker had to look all smug.

"No. No," I said, bucking into his hand. "We've been at the foreplay for two fucking months now."

"So. No foreplay then?" he murmured against my neck before nibbling on my ear.

"I just want you."

Edward smiled and said okay before hovering over me. I grabbed the back of his neck and he fell down onto his elbows before letting his body lay on mine.

He kissed me and whispered my name before pushing into me, causing me to suck in a breath.

I nodded, I have no idea why, and closed my eyes as he slowly pulled out then pushed back in.

"Fuck," he breathed before finding my lips. "Bella."

"Edward," I panted as he brought one arm underneath me, pulling me closer to him, causing me to arch my back. I brought my knee up, forcing him to push deeper and he groaned as he grabbed my boob with his other hand.

"Fuck," I moaned as I held on to his shoulders, feeling the muscles in his back contract with each of his thrusts. "You're so fucking hot. Why are you so hot?" I panted because I really wanted to fucking know.

Edward let out a throaty laugh and rolled over, staying inside me, which I was really fucking thankful for. He kept his hands on my hips as I began rocking against him, watching as he closed his eyes.

"Damn," he whispered and opened his eyes to watch me ride him. "Are you close?" he asked and I nodded, biting down on my lip, causing him to groan again.

He brought his thumb to my clit and rubbed fast and hard, as my body began to flush with heat. We were all sweaty and sticky and just _good_ and he didn't slow down once as I cried out, keeping his thumb on my clit. Edward stayed in me as he sat up, groaning my name as he wound his arms under mine to grab my shoulders, slamming into me as he cried out and came.

"Shit," he said after a second, dropping his head against my shoulder. I kept my arms wrapped around his neck and took a deep breath.

"Well, that's obviously never happening again," I said and felt him shake with laughter against my body.

"Yeah. Awful," he murmured and kissed my lips.

We fell back onto the sleeping bags both spent and just relieved that the fucking cock blocking was finally over.

"You want this?" Edward asked, handing me his shirt. "It gets kind of cold out here at night."

I smiled and pulled the shirt over my head as he held out an arm and waited for me to lie next to him. I snuggled into his side as he pulled me even closer to him, bringing his lips to my temple.

"Night, Pockets," he whispered and sighed.

"Night."

_I'm never turning down another dance invitation from Edward again._

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Meg: Well, writing a lemon together wasn't awkward at all.**  
><strong><br>Liv- Nope. Just clearing my head from the fog. *shakes head***  
><strong><br>Meg: Speaking of head *clears throat* how is your head?**  
><strong><br>Liv- ...wha? What about my head, Meg? *glares***  
><strong><br>Meg: Oh. I guess I'm not supposed to tell the readers that Bella's tumbling accident was based off you?**  
><strong><br>Liv- *scowls* You, are a twat. And my head is fine _thankyouverymuch_. At least now. *rubs scar* And it didn't happen exactly like that, I mean I tumbled; from horse playing, and I was drunk, and the ambulance was called, and I did insult the doctor because I thought she was too young, and the bitch didn't numb the area, and I did get fourteen stitches, and, fuck, it kinda was just like that. Shit. AH HA, I know the difference! I was doing keg stands, not drinking moonshine. And I was 22 not 18. *hangs head* Aaaaand yeah..that totally didn't help me out much did it?**  
><strong><br>Meg: *ugly laughs* Not at all.**  
><strong><br>Liv: Does it help that at least I was at home and not in a public place?**  
><strong><br>Meg: What do you think?**  
><strong><br>Liv- No. Well, screw you then. *crosses arms***  
><strong><br>Meg: The patch of hair the doctor shaved has grown back, right?**  
><strong><br>Liv- OMFG I hate you so much right now. At least I didn't do THAT to poor Bella, that shit took forever to grow back! *gives Meg the stink eye***

**Meg: Speaking of crazy stories- if you didn't receive Emmett's cow tipping outtake or a review reply, please enable your PM's! It's hard for us to harass if PM's are disabled. Thanks for reading! :)  
><strong>


	11. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Ten<strong>

"Mm. That feels nice." I sighed, stretching as Edward ran his hand up my leg. "Looks like I might get a little more of that awful sex again." I laughed when I felt his hand snake around my knee towards my inner thigh.

"What the hell are you doing over there?" Edward asked, sounding confused.

I stiffened immediately. His voice sounded a lot further away than it should considering his hand was on my thigh. I cracked an eye open and rolled my head in the direction of his voice to find him lying on his side, one arm propped under his head and the other...was scratching his stomach? Then..._what the fuck _was on my leg?

I screeched when I felt something move again, coming closer to my unclothed area that nothing, and I mean _nothing_, was supposed to come in contact with without my expressed consent. Whatever the fuck was on my leg did not have my fucking consent.

Flinging the sleeping bag away from my body, I was met with a sight that nearly made my fucking heart stop. A snake. Was on my leg. Headed towards my lady bits. I screamed for all my fucking worth.

"Bella!" Edward yelled. "Calm down, okay? Let me help you," he said, lowering his voice. But, fuck that, he didn't have a fucking snake trying to go down on him.

"Calm down?" I screeched. "How the fuck do you suggest I calm down?" I panted, trying to slide back to the edge of the tent.

"Just quit moving," he said annoyed. "Every time you move, it moves and I'd really rather my snake be the only one inside of you," he said and...was that a fucking chuckle? I looked at his face and that motherfucker was trying as hard as he fucking could not to laugh. Was he fucking insane?

"Oh, I'm so sorry Edward," I sneered, my fear fueling my anger. "You're not the one that has a fucking python trying to hit a home run on the first fucking date," I spat. "He's going to fucking bite me and, _oh god,_ will my leg fall off? We're too far from the hospital! I'll never make it and you'll have to cut my fucking leg off with a hunting knife. Then I'll have one leg and have to wear a patch and say 'Argh!' every time I talk cause I'll look like a fucking pirate!" I couldn't breath all of a sudden; the air seemed to be squeezed from my chest and I could see black spots in front of my eyes. Either this fucking snake had bitten me or I really was having a fucking heart attack.

"Edward," I rasped clutching my chest. _  
><em>

_Dear God, thank you for letting me have the sex before you take me away from this world. Amen._

"Oh shit, Bella!" Edward said, his voice moving closer. "Bella, you've got to calm down. Look. Hey, _look_," he said grabbing my chin and turning it towards my killer. He reached down with his other hand and picked up the snake, flinging it out of the tent before pulling me into his lap.

"Shh. I've got you. It's okay, it's okay. It's gone, Bella. I promise you're fine, but you have got to try and breath for me okay?" He asked, rubbing my back. All I could do was shake my head. I couldn't breath. I was about to make my trip to the pearly gates with Renee where there were no molesting snakes or killer pigeons.

"You're having a panic attack. You need to try to breath. Please don't make me slap you," he said seriously. "Because I've never had to pimp slap anyone and I'd really rather you not me the first." And, holy shit, he was out of his fucking mind but his statement caught me so off guard I sucked in a harsh breath as my body attempted to laugh.

"Good girl. I should have known all it would take is to threaten you with a pimp slap you feisty, crazy, beautiful girl," he said, smiling at me which caused me to lose me breath again for a completely different reason.

"You saved my life..." I whispered, "...and threatened to pimp slap me. How exactly does that work?" I asked because, seriously, what the fuck just happened?

"I saved your life from a baby grass snake, by the way." He laughed. "Because, like I said, my snake is the only one allowed there. And I threatened to pimp slap you because you were turning purple from not breathing and I had to get your airway open. So it was that, or..." he trailed off laughing.

And I wish that snake was back in here so I could shove it up his ass, cocky mother fucker. Instead, I settled for smacking his arm and calling him an asshole. Because I'm mature like that.

After having a couple of granola bars, we packed up everything and headed back home because I had some hours to clock this weekend. Plus, Emmett would be working with me so it was bound to be interesting to say the least.

After Edward dropped me off at home, I quickly showered and changed before hopping in my car and driving to work. I was just going to completely ignore the fact that Jane's car was in the driveway when I got home, considering it was only eight in the morning. I was also going to ignore the giggle I heard coming from Charlie's room when I walked past. Yep. Completely ignoring all of that shit.

Rummaging around in my bag as I walked through the doors of Stitched or Stuffed, I failed to notice that someone was standing directly in front of me until I slammed right into them.

"_Oomph_," I grunted and staggered back a couple of steps. When I looked up ready to yell at Emmett, I was met with the bright eyes of Dr.C. Or Carlsile as he liked to be called.

"Whoa there Bella, you okay?" He asked and grabbed my shoulders to steady me.

"Yeah, shit, I didn't see you. I mean, yeah...sorry," I stuttered because he didn't need to know about my daily sailor impersonation with my potty mouth.

"It's fine." He chuckled. "I'm here most of the time you work with Emmett so I'm well acquainted with your colorful language." And fucking kill me now. I really needed to pay attention to who the fuck is listening when I'm yammering on and on.

"I'm sorry," I said lamely. I mean, what do you say to that? Please don't kick me out because I can't think of what torture Charlie will inflict on me if he actually thought I would enjoy shoveling shit?

"It's fine, Bella. Edward has quite the mouth on him as well." He chuckled, causing me to freeze. "Did you two have a nice time at the dance last night?" He asked all expectant and shit. What in the fuck was going on? I felt like I'd stepped into the Twilight Zone.

"Ho-...how do you know Edward?" I stuttered. Was Dr.C a stalker? Was he after Edward? I took a step back because I've seen him rip dead animal carcases in two with his bare hands and I'm skinny as fuck. He could do some real damage to me with those puppies. He gave me a confused look before answering me slowly like I was mentally handicapped or something.

"Edward," he emphasized, "is my son. I though you knew that," he said and I most certainly did not fucking know that. How in the fuck did I not know that?

"Your son." I clarified. "Edward Cullen is your son."

"Yes," he said, smiling before pointing at himself. "Dr. C, as in Dr. Cullen. Dr. Carlisle Cullen." God, they all must think I am the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I shook my head at my own ridiculousness. Why am I not more observant? Why do I not ask more questions? You know, like the the last name of the man I'm working for?

He stared at me expectantly, or maybe not, and I fumbled for words. What was I supposed to say? 'Nice to meet you, your son has a huge dick' or 'sorry but we didn't make it to the dance since we've been cock blocked for two months and were both about to explode'?

Dr. C smiled at me for whatever reason and I was able to breathe a little easier. "I take it you didn't know I was Edward's father."

"Uh...yeah, I seem to have not connected those dots," I said awkwardly because how fucking stupid did I look right now? Then it hit me: if he's Edward's dad and he know about my charges- does Edward know? I didn't exactly know how to feel about that. On one hand it meant I didn't have to tell him, on the other it explained why he never pressed the issue. If he's known all this time, I might have to mess that pretty face of his up. I guess Carlisle noticed my sudden change because he smiled at me.

"Edward doesn't know about why you work here, at least not from me anyway, in case that's what you were wondering," he said and I felt my shoulders drop with relief. I really didn't want to mess with his face; it was such a pretty face.

"And you don't mind that Edward and I are...dancing together?" I stuttered because I almost said dating, and I didn't do dating. Why the fuck did I almost say dating? A loud laugh interrupted my internal freak out and I looked up to see Carlisle's face split into a wide grin. Damn, without those freaky ass glasses, Edward's dad was kinda hot. A strange choking laugh came from him as his body folded over.

"Shit." Carlsile laughed. "You just blurt out whatever is going through your head, don't you?" He asked trying to regain his composure. Aw, fuck. Again? Really? I looked towards the ceiling and heaved a sigh. I just told Edward's dad he was hot, I think I've punched enough holes in my humiliation card to get a free Coke or something now.

"Yeah, it's kinda my thing." I shrugged. "I don't even try to stop it anymore. There's no use _or_ excuse. I pretend Charlie dropped me on my head when I was a baby, but who knows."

"You're definitely a strange little thing," Carlisle said with a shake of his head. "But no, I don't mind that you and Edward are dancing. Although if you ever saw him actually dance then you might think twice about...dancing with him."

"Uh..." I stuttered. Did Dr. C just call my ass out? He smiled at me with a knowing grin.

"I saw Edward loading up the camping gear yesterday. I'm guessing it wasn't him and Emmett he was packing for. At least, they haven't gone camping alone together since they watched _Brokeback Mountain_." I coughed out a laugh. I was not going to talk to Carlisle about Edward having sex in a tent, with me nor Emmett. No. Just, no.

"I agree. That is definitely not a conversation I'm up for."

_Mother fucker._ "Okay I'm going to get to work before I humiliate myself any further," I said moving towards the front desk.

"Good idea." Carlisle smiled and began walking away before he turned to me. "And Bella? Maybe you should think about telling Edward why you're here. I can assure you it won't change anything for him."

I nodded feeling properly chastised just as the bell above the door rung. I turned to find a beautiful lady walking toward us with a big smile on her face.

"Esme, hey, what are you doing here?" Dr. C asked smiling as he made his way towards her. And are you fucking kidding me right now? This felt like a scene from_ Meet the Fockers_. My word vomit was at nuclear levels and I had to meet both of Edward's parents? Well, not both since I technically already know Dr. C, but I didn't know he was Edward's dad till just now and I think they are totally fucking talking to me.

"I'm sorry," I said, more so because I didn't hear a word they just said and also for preemptive measures since I knew I'd need to at some point in this fucking conversation.

"I'm Esme, Edward's mother. You're Bella?" she asked all sweet like southern honey.

"Yes ma'am," I answered like a good girl with some decent fucking manners.

"She thinks I'm hot," Dr. C said seriously while I stood there gaping at him like a fool.

"Wha-" I sputtered. _  
><em>

_God, please don't let Edward's mom go Jerry Springer on me because she thinks I was hitting on her husband. There are too many midgets on that show. They freak me out. Amen._

"Well, she seems to have good taste then." Edward's mom laughed. Whew. Crisis averted.

"So, what brings you by?" Dr. C asked turning away from me. At least now I know where Edward got his sense of humor from. Newsflash to the Cullen men: you're not funny. Stop it.

"I could lie and say it was to bring these cupcakes by," she said cutting her eyes over to me, "but, honestly, I came to see who had Edward grinning like a jackass eating briars this morning."

"A what?" I laughed. Some of the phrases people used in the south just blew my mind.

"Never mind, dear. It doesn't matter. I have my answer," she said, smiling slyly as she slide a plastic container towards me. I pulled the top off and was hit with the smell of butter and cream and cake and yummy goodness. I reached in and pulled out a cupcake taking a huge bite and oh my fuck.

"Mm," I moaned like a fucking porn star. This shit was heaven. "This is the best fucking cupcake ever. How is Edward not five hundred pounds?" I asked, taking another bite while they both laughed at me.

"I can't even say I'm sorry for cussing right now, even though I know I should. Anything this good is already so sinful my dirty mouth couldn't possibly taint it." I sighed, licking my fingers.

"Well, Carlisle, you're right. She fits in perfectly," Edward's mom said, still laughing at me and all of my ridiculousness. I really couldn't even be bothered to care right now.

"It was nice to meet you Bella. I've got to run. You better hide those before Emmett gets here or that will be the only one you'll get," she said before giving Dr. C a peck on the cheek and turning towards the door.

"It was nice to meet you, too, Edward's mom," I said, cradling the cupcake container protectively to my chest.

"Ms. Esme or Ms. C will be find dear." She laughed breezing out the door.

I looked over to Dr. C who was staring at the cupcakes in my arms. I might have growled at him because his face looked surprised before he shook his head laughing.

"Yep, Bella, having you around is going to make things so much more fun," he said before turning and walking towards his office. I had to hide these fuckers stat. Emmett's big ass would be here any minute and I'd really hate to have to kill him for trying to take my fucking cupcakes.

I hid the cupcakes under the counter and started filing invoices when the bell above the door rang. I turned to see Emmett walking through the door smiling at me before he stopped suddenly, becoming serious.

"Where are they?" he demanded walking towards me. I stood there staring at him trying to figure out what the fuck he was talking about. "The cupcakes. I know they were here. I smell them," he said seriously. I laughed, because he was fucking crazy.

"Emmett. There _were_ cupcakes. Esme brought them for me and I ate them and I'm sorry," I said not sorry at all and totally lying my ass off. He was not getting my fucking cupcakes. His face crumpled and I almost felt bad enough to give him one, then I remember what Esme said and reined that shit in.

"Well, we need to go outside because I can't be in here and smell that shit," he said turning and marching out the door. I followed him out and back towards the stables.

"Did you get arrested for vandalism after you were caught in Wal-Mart squirting ketchup all over the female garden gnomes and telling people they were having their period?

"No, Emmett." I laughed. "And, for the record, that's fucking gross."

"So are you ever just gonna give my the deets or what?" He asked spreading around some more hay.

"Yes." I sighed. "It's really not that big of a deal, honestly. Not after seeing the shit you guys get into." He nodded his head and went back to work. We finished up a couple of hours later and made our way back into the building. I had to figure out how to get the fucking cupcakes out of here without Emmett seeing me. This was going to be tricky.

"Alright, you go ahead I've gotta run to the bathroom real quick so I can lock up," I said, looking around nervously. Emmett cocked his head to the side and stared at me for a second.

"Liar," he said flatly.

"What? No. I do gotta go to the bathroom," I said defiantly. He was not going to intimidate me.

"What are you up to, Stinky?" he asked, moving towards me. I started backing up when Dr. C came waltzing into the room.

"Hey, Emmett. Can you give me a hand with these boxes?" He asked, pointing to the other side of the room. Emmett glanced at me one more time before turning and walking over to Dr. C.

I knew this would be my only chance of getting out of here with my cupcakes. I slowly moved around to the back of the counter like a ninja. I might have hummed the_ Mission Impossible_ theme. I eased the container out and slid my keys out of my pocket. As soon as I stood I was met with bright blue eyes and a sinister scowl.

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here," Emmett said in a mocking tone.

Fuck. I had to get out of here. I panicked. I looked at the desk in front of me covered in papers, pens, and the spray I had been using earlier to wipe down the window. Vinegar and water. It wouldn't hurt him...much. I snatched up the bottle and spayed him right in the face before sweeping my arm across the desk sending the papers flying in his face. Then I bolted.

Emmett was yelling and Dr.C was standing there with his mouth hanging open watching my death defying escape.

"Sorry for the mess Dr. C, but these fucking cupcakes are mine!" I shouted still in full sprint. I snatched open the door and hauled ass to my car jumping in and locking the doors as soon as my ass hit the seat. Emmett came out behind me but I was already pulling out. Sayonara, sucker!

I sighed and looked over at my rescued cupcakes. It was totally worth it. When I got home Charlie and Jane were gone, thank God, so I just hung out and replayed the fuck awesome sex I had the night before. Intercourse was definitely turning out to be the best idea Charlie ever had.

The rest of October moved by without much fuss, but Halloween was right around the corner and all the guys kept talking about was the party and costumes and something about a cemetery. I had a feeling that Halloween here was going to be so much fucking crazier than what I was normally used to. I was actually excited about it, in a 'I'm probably going to be completely fucking traumatized sort of way.'

Turned out I was completely fucking correct in my assessment as I stood in Rose's kitchen the Friday night of Halloween weekend doing jello shots and listening to Emmett explain exactly what we would be doing later tonight. He was still a little pissed at me about the whole cupcake thing, but Ms. Esme made some more for him so he got over it.

Edward was pretty horrified that his mom came down to meet me because of the fresh fucked look on his face. But I think the fact I didn't realize Dr. C was his dad overshadowed his humiliation by getting a good laugh at mine.

"So when we leave here we walk down to the cemetery," Emmett explained all excited and shit. I failed to see what the fuck is so exciting about going to a fucking cemetery at night, on Halloween no less. These fuckers, as I have come to expect, are out of the goddamn minds.

"And why exactly are we going to the cemetery?" I asked taking the fifth or tenth jello shot handed to me. At this point I had no fucking idea.

Emmett sighed, handing me number fifteen. "To scare the church kids on the hay ride Bella, pay attention," he scolded. And I took a moment to absorb what he just said. It makes no fucking sense.

"Why in the hell does a church group take a bunch of children on a hayride through a fucking cemetery?" I asked because wasn't Halloween all about the devil, why the hell was the church out for a joy ride?

"As I'm sure you've noticed there isn't a whole lot to fucking do around here," Rose answered for him. "There are only so many times you can have a bunch of kids bobbing for apples before someone starts profiling you as a pedophile," she added seriously, causing everyone to bust out laughing.

"Anyway," Jasper chimed in, "we go there and hide-"

"Hide?" I screeched. "Hide where exactly?" _Please don't say behind the graves, please don't say behind the graves-_

"Behind the graves."

Fuck.

"That's stupid. Why can't we just hide, like, I don't know..._not_ behind the graves?" I asked lamely.

"I told you she'd be too scared," Emmett said to Edward with a hearty laugh.

"Fuck off!" I snapped and grabbed another jello shot because, shit, if I was going to get attacked by a chainsaw-toting motherfucker I at least wanted to be drunk for it.

"Bella isn't scared," Edward insisted as he draped an arm over my shoulder. "I'll keep you safe," he murmured in my ear, causing goosebumps to appear on my arms.

After the six of us were sufficiently wasted off our asses, we climbed into Jasper's truck and made our way over to the cemetery that was just on the outskirts of town. Jasper, Alice, and Rose sat in the cab with the windows down, while I sat in the bed of the truck with Edward and Emmett.

I tied my hair back and shivered from the cool air as we drove through town. It was barely seven P.M., but most of the younger kids around town had finished trick or treating. Edward bumped my foot with his and I turned in his direction to catch him smiling at me.

"C'mere," he said loudly and I crawled to sit in his lap. He kissed me and let his hand rest around my waist, keeping me in place. "You ready to scare the fuck outta some church kids?" he asked with a lazy grin.

I sighed and played with the back of his beanie. "Yeah. I mean, hell yeah. It'll be funny as shit. I'm just nervous about, you know, strolling around a cemetery at night. On Halloween. And peeing. I'm definitely nervous about peeing."

Emmett laughed out loud and popped open a beer. "Dude. Don't even worry. The guy that murdered that family two years ago is in prison now."

I snorted laughter, shaking in Edward's lap until I realized Edward and Emmett were not laughing with me.

"What the motherfuck? Are you kidding me?" I snapped in frustration.

"Nah. I'm not. But like I said- don't worry! They caught his ass."

Edward squeezed my thigh and brought his lips to my neck. "I got you," he whispered.

I hope he's also got an extra pair of underwear for me cause there's no way I'm not peeing my pants.

Jasper pulled off the road, parking about a mile from the cemetery. Edward hopped out of the truck and reached up to help me down as everyone grabbed a beer for the walk over. Emmett produced a bottle of whiskey from the glove box that we all passed around as we made the journey to our death. Okay, that was a bit dramatic even for me.

I felt momentary relief while laughing as Alice sang _Monster Mash _until we slowed our pace before walking into the cemetery. The wind had suddenly picked up and rustled in the trees, causing me to tense. This was stupid. I was overreacting. I had nothing to be scared of. I'm sure people hang out in cemeteries all the time. You know, like, grave diggers, and...I don't know. Apparently church kids. And maybe those weird assholes that like to fuck dead bodies.

Emmett was ahead of us and turned around to walk backwards as he said, "Alright, kids. This is where we split up."

"What?" I shrieked and tightened my death grip on Edward's hand. "Why didn't we bring a flashlight or something?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Edward smirked and bumped me with his shoulder.

"Fuck that," I spat. "I am not going to sit out there by myself like a sitting duck waiting for some psycho to walk by and chop off my head. Plus, I don't even know what the fuck I'm supposed to do," I said putting my other hand on my hip.

"She has a point," Rose said, sticking up for me. I loved that bitch.

"Okay, so we'll split up in pairs then." Edward nodded and cut his eyes to me. Did this fool really think we were going to get busy in a fucking graveyard? It was dark and spooky and, fuck, he looked hot with that beanie. And it _was_ dark, so no one would see anything. I felt my breathing pick up as I looked up at Edward who was smiling smugly back at me. Ass.

"Okay, you guys know the signal," Jasper whispered like there was someone around that could hear him. There better not be anyone around who could fucking hear him. I glanced around just in case. Everyone nodded their heads then took off running in different directions laughing. Freaks.

"Come on, Pockets. Let's get a good spot to hide," Edward said, tugging on my hand.

"What exactly indicates a good spot?"

"You want to find a place that is far enough from the road through the cemetery so that you can't be seen, but close enough when you start making noises and shit they actually hear you," Edward explained like he was discussing the weather.

"Okay," I said slowly stumbling over...something.

"There." He pointed. I looked in the direction he was pointing and the first thought that went through my mind - after_ no fucking way _- was 'this is where I will die'. There was a willow tree that was fenced in by a wrought iron fence that was about waist high. All the tips were pointed and the gate looked like it was something that came out of a fucking horror story. Inside the gate to hell were four headstones, all different sizes and, from the looks of them, really fucking old.

"What the hell makes you think this is a good idea?" I asked skeptically.

"I never said this was a good idea," he admitted with a grin as he grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of the willow tree of death.

Sighing dramatically, I flinched at the sound of leaves crunching beneath our feet. I stood under the tree and watched Edward get all comfortable, propping himself up against one of the headstones. I squeezed my eyes together as I realized the moonlight didn't do shit to light this vicinity at fucking all thanks to the monstrous tree we just_ had _to set up camp underneath. I felt a hand brush against my calve and I jumped, finally opening my eyes.

"You're a jumpy little thing," Edward whispered with a hint of amusement before pulling me down to him.

"I'm not used to hanging out in cemeteries, okay? I mean, this might be all fine and dandy for grave diggers, and church kids and...wait a second." I stopped as I let my ass fall to the cool ground. "We've established that _I'm _not into necrophilia, but what about you? You aren't one of those people who like to fuck dead bodies, right? Because if that's the case-"

Edward shut me up my grabbing the back of my head and pulling my face closer to his. "Pockets," he whispered against my lips, but not ever really touching them. "I like the bodies I fuck to be warm and...responsive," he said slowly as his hands trailed up my arms and across my neck.

"Good to know," I squeaked, letting my lips touch his.

Edward suddenly pulled back and put a finger over my lips. "Shh. Do you hear that?" he asked in a panicked tone.

"What the f-" He shushed me again.

"The hay ride. I think they're pulling into the cemetery. Alice and Jasper will get them first," he said quietly as he strained his neck to look over the headstones. I pulled back and looked behind me in the direction he was staring.

"Okay..." I trailed off and copied his move as we got on our knees to face the road. I laughed quietly and peeked over the headstone until something caught my eye. "Edward? What the fuck is this shit?" I whisper-yelled as I read the headstone.

_Maddie Stillwater.  
><em>

Edward cracked a grin and I read the headstone he was sitting in front of.

_Hollis Stillwater_.

"You motherfucker!" I screamed out loud and frantically crawled backward before fumbling to my feet. Edward began to shake with laughter as I backed away from the headstones. "You have issues," I said as calmly as I could.

"Pockets, come on. It was funny," Edward explained as he wiped the amused tears from his eyes. He pulled the beanie off his head and ran a hand through his hair before pulling it back on.

"Funny my ass!" I said with less conviction because, graveyard or not, that motherfucker was fine. "You brought me to Old Lady Dead Bits' grave? Not cool, dude. Not fucking cool!"

"Baby, come on. Get back over here before the hayride passes us and sees your scardy cat ass attempting to climb the fence."

"Fine," I pouted and dropped to my knees in front of him. Edward grabbed my waist and I stayed on my knees as I said, "As funny as you think this may be, just know this is potentially scarring and I blame you if I need therapy after this."

Edward squeezed my waist and murmured, "I'll give you all the therapy you'll need..."

"As tempting as it is to fuck you on Old Lady Dead Bits' grave right now..." I trailed off and saw the flash of headlights coming our way.

"Shit," Edward mumbled and crawled to his knees. "Let's practice real quick. Ready?"

"For what? I don't know what I'm supposed to do!"

"Just try to sound spooky, I guess," Edward said before covering his mouth and making a low _oooo _vibrate from his throat.

"Okay, uh..." I trailed off and cleared my throat. "_Ahh-roo-rooo-rooooo_," I belted out and cut my eyes to Edward to see if I was doing it right.

"What the-" Edward busted out in a giggle fit. He fell back to the ground as he held his stomach and let out the loudest laugh I had ever heard him produce. "Oh my fucking God. You sounded like...like-" he sputtered through fits of laughter. "What are you- a hound dog?"

"Hey!" I poked his shoulder. "Sorry if I'm not good at all of this shit! I don't usually spend my time hanging out in cemeteries trying to scare the fuck out of people!"

"That was too good. Can you do it again or was that a one time thing?" Edward teased and sat up, brushing the dirt off his shirt.

"Fuck off."

"Hey. Are you free next weekend?" He suddenly asked.

"Why?" I asked skeptically.

"Emmett and I were going to go hunting with my dad. Maybe you can tag along? You know...you know," he raised his eyebrows and started laughing again. "We need a hunting dog with us."

"You!" I screeched, trying to hold back my own laughter. I kind of did sound like a hound dog. "Screw this. Scare these fuckers yourself," I said as I began to stand, only to be pulled back down.

"Oh, no you don't," he tsked. "You think I'm letting you out of my sight?"

I huffed and said, "Fine. But once we scare them we are going to find the rest of the crew and getting the fuck out of here."

Edward kissed me and agreed before telling me to duck lower behind the headstones as the hayride slowly passed us on the road. Edward made his perfect fucking spooky sounds while I was reduced to throwing twigs at the fuckers. If I couldn't scare them with my hound dog howl, I'd certainly scare a few of them by hitting them with shit.

We heard a few whimpers coming from the trailer as they passed by and I covered my mouth as I tried not to laugh. Okay, so this was pretty fun and I was still pretty drunk and I still hadn't peed so...yeah. It was fun.

When the truck was far enough away, we stood to our feet and Edward grabbed my hand as we walked between the headstones to find the rest of the crew. That's when we heard it- a high-pitched, blood curdling scream coming from down the road.

"What the fuck was that?" I asked seriously, still proud of myself that I had yet to pee my pants, especially after hearing a scream like that.

"Was that Rose?" Edward asked this time and we took off running in the direction of the shriek.

"Shit! What do you think happened?" I screamed as we ran through the trees and between the headstones and found our way to the road only to find...Emmett. On the fucking ground. He was curled into a ball and covering his head as an older lady stood above him beating the shit out of him with...a purse.

"Fuck! I said I'm sorry, lady!" He yelled and produced another high-pitched squeal.

That's when Edward and I lost our shit. Edward fell to the ground and doubled over with laughter and I just straight up cried tears of joy as we watched some lady beat the fuck out of Emmett, screaming about how he scared the shit out of her son last Halloween and he was going to pay for it.

Once she had sufficiently made her point, she smoothed down her dress, pulled the strap of her weapon, er...purse over her shoulder and walked away.

"Holy fuck! That was epic," I cried out as Emmett uncovered his head and looked around to make sure the lady had left. "Where is Rose?" I asked as Edward and I regained our composure.

Emmett stood and dusted himself off. "Rose took the fuck off once that bitch popped out from behind that tree over there. Pretty sure she said 'peace sucka' as she ran off into the woods and left me to get beaten."

Can't say it enough- love that bitch.

"How did that creepy lady know y'all would be out here?" I asked and helped Emmett dust off his back.

"Pretty obvious. We've done this for the past three years. We did wear masks last year, so... I guess I really scared the shit out of her son," Emmett explained and took a deep breath.

"And apparently she scared the piss out of you," Edward quipped before pointing at Emmett's crotch. I narrowed my eyes and inspected the area and yep. Fucker had pissed his pants.

Edward and I lost our shit for the second time tonight.

"Man, fuck y'all," Emmett snapped and took off walking down the road. "And you know what? I fucking blame you, Stinky, for pissing my pants. Ever since you showed up in Intercourse, you've been spreading the Pissin' Pants disease and it ain't fuckin' cool."

"Dude's got a point," Edward said seriously as we watched Emmett walk away. "First Jasper and now him."

"Yeah. Shit. Well, maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore," I said with a sigh. "Get out while your pants are still dry, dude. I won't even be offended."

"A little pee doesn't scare me, Pockets."

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "It should."

"Nah. You're not getting rid of me that easily." Edward rolled his eyes and pulled my shoulder closer to him. "C'mon. Let's go wait for everyone at the truck."

We walked to the truck, Alice and Jasper were already waiting there laughing at God knows what. Edward was in the middle of telling Alice and Jasper how I fucking howled like a hound dog when we saw Emmett and Rose walking towards the truck.

"Found her hiding in one of the empty graves," Emmett said without meeting mine or Edward's eyes. "Should've left her ass cause when I found her, she was all too comfortable and laughing to herself. Creepy as fuck."

"That is creepy as fuck," Jasper agreed and Rose just cackled because she was the lucky fucker who got to keep the whiskey bottle with her the entire time.

"Costume time?" Alice asked and we all nodded.

"Emmett peed his pants," I blurted out before everyone piled into the truck.

"I thought something smelled funny, but Jasper's pants are dry," Alice said and Jasper rolled his eyes as Edward, Rose and I cracked the fuck up. "Sore subject?" Alice asked Jasper who opened the door for her.

"Man, fuck y'all," Jasper spat and Emmett shook his head.

"That's what I said!" Emmett yelled. "Just wait! All of you fuckers are going to get the Pissin' Pants disease soon and we'll see who's laughing then."

Jasper dropped Alice, Rose and me off at Rose's house to get ready, promising to pick us up in an hour to head out to some abandoned barn for a Halloween party Peter was throwing.

Rose and I were standing in front of the mirror putting on makeup when Alice appeared in the reflection wearing a black dress with a white collar and a long, creepy black wig.

"Wednesday Addams?" Rose asked before she let out a little squeak as Alice lifted her face to us. She looked dead. Like a fucking corpse. Alice kind of scared the shit out of me.

"Nope. That little bitch from The Ring that was pushed into the well."

"Well, let's hope there aren't any wells where we'll be because I have a feeling Jasper might push you into one after that little pee pants comment earlier," I said with a laugh.

Rose finished with her make up and hauled a huge ass bag onto the bed.

"What in the hell do you have in that thing?" I asked peeking over her shoulder.

"Emmett," she grunted heaving out a fucking bunny head, "got to pick the costumes this year. Which is always a fucking disaster because I end up walking around half naked looking like a slut-cicle freezing my ass off," she said with a huff.

"But not this year dammit," she said with a evil grin. "He wanted to be Hugh Hefner and have me be one his bunnies. Well, let's see how his carrot likes this shit!," she said, causing Alice and I to bust out laughing. She pulled out a full body bunny costume, complete with a big ass bunny head. "Look, I even found a garter belt to go around my leg," she finished laughing. Oh man, I can't wait to see his face.

"So are you trying to give Edward a heart attack in that getup or do you plan on fucking him before we even make to the party?" Alice asked coming up behind me and flicking the bottom of my skirt. I think my ass cheek probably just got flashed; it was a short fucking skirt. But it was also totally fucking hot.

"I'm leaning more towards the fucking before the party," I said nonchalantly adjusted my hat. "But a heart attack is entirely possible," I said with a smirk.

"Well, you are the hottest fucking woman I've ever seen in a naval uniform," Rose said giving me the once over. I laughed and slid on my gold heels before doing a little twirl. We heard the boys pull up out front and made our way outside.

As soon as the guys came into sight, I wasn't sure what the fuck to laugh about first: the look of horror on Emmett's face as he took in Rose's costume, the way Edward was staring at me with his mouth hanging open, or the fact that Jasper looked like a fucking hairball Rose's cat just hacked up.

"Oh my god," Rose said coming up beside me.

"I know. There are just no words," I said staring at these crazy fuckers. For so long I had kept my distance from people, never letting myself get attached. Mainly because I hadn't met anyone who was worth the fucking effort. But as I stood here with these crazy, beautiful people, I felt more at home than I ever had in my life.

"Bella, do know how fuckable you look right now?" Edward asked putting his arm around me.

"I'm hoping to find out soon," I said with a smirk as I walked over to the truck. Much to Edward's disappointment, I had to ride in the front with Alice and Jasper since Rose's rabbit head wouldn't fit in the cab of the truck. As soon as we pulled up in front of the barn, Edward was at the passenger door hauling me out of the truck.

"Come on, pretty girl. Let's get some drinks," he said, putting his hand on the small of my back and guiding me into the barn. We walked around, chatted with a few people, and had enough jell-o shots to fill a bathtub. The room stared to spin a little and my whole body felt warm. Yeah, I was definitely fucked up. It was awesome.

I looked over to Rose who was literally doing the bunny hop while Emmett stood there shaking his head laughing. Jasper was doing some weird version of the twist which looked ridiculous since he was dressed as Cousin It.

Edward was doing an excellent imitation of a drunken pirate as he swayed from side to side sitting on a small hay bail. He was kicking his legs back and forth with a bottle of Captain Morgan in his hand singing God knows what. He cocked his head to the side and tipped his chin up motioning for me to come over to where he was. Fuck, he was so hot.

I sauntered over to him, putting a little extra sway in my hips causing him to grin at me and lick his lips.

"What's up Captain Jack?" I asked running my fingers down his chest as he parted his legs pulling me in between them.

"Argh," Edward growled, running his hand down my ass to my thigh before inching his hand back up. "I'm here to plunder ye booty," he said in a terrible pirate accent causing me to laugh.

"There will be no plundering of any kind to my booty," I said with a raised eyebrow as he brought his hand under my skirt and squeezed my ass.

"Come with me for a walk," Edward replied with a lazy grin letting me know he was up to something.

We refilled our cups with beer before walking outside and making our way over to Jasper's truck that was the furthest away from the barn. Edward opened the tailgate and I shivered while staring at the cornfield we were standing in front of. He set both of our beers to one side before grabbing my waist and lifting me to set me on the tailgate.

"You're so fucking hot," he murmured as I opened my legs to let him stand between them. One hand was on my lower back while his other hand tapped a beat on my inner thigh.

"So are you," I admitted and handed him his beer.

"What would you be doing right now if you were in New York?" Edward asked out of curiosity and I lowered my eyes from his gaze.

"You know, just...a party or something. I'd be standing in a room full of people who would be fucked up from some sort of drug they either smoked or snorted."

"Sounds glamorous," Edward snorted and set his beer next to me so he could rub my lower back.

"I guess." I sighed heavily and started to speak before I could talk myself out of it. "Look. My dad moved us here because I fucked up, okay? I was hanging with the wrong crowd because I had nothing better to do. I was fucking bored. We went to a strip club, I was snorting coke and, I don't know, just a lot of other shit. Probably some crushed up Xanax. I think I took a little Molly as well. There was alcohol involved and a phony French fucker and I may or may not have tried to dance on the pole only to fall on my fucking face. Strip club was raided and I was arrested, although I seemed to have blocked out that part of the night. Woke up in jail, my dad talked the judge into giving me eighty hours of community service; that's why I'm working at the clinic. I just did some stupid shit, but I can't really go back now and-" I took a deep breath. "Yeah. I was just bored."

Edward nodded but didn't pull away. "And are you bored now?" he asked, bringing his lips to my neck and letting his hand on my thigh trail up under my skirt.

"Not at all," I breathed and felt his fingers pull back the fabric of my underwear, letting his fingers hook around the edges. "Not at fucking all."

"Good." He smiled against my lips before kissing me as his fingers slid and curled inside me, causing me to gasp. "Thank you for telling me," Edward said and I nodded before closing my eyes.

"Fuck me," I mumbled, fisting his shirt as he gave me a throaty laugh.

"Out here? In the bed of the truck?" he asked, but still worked his fingers. "What if there are people hiding in the corn field?"

"Who cares?" I moaned. "Fuck the children of the corn."

"Well. I'd rather fuck you," he said smugly.

"Yes. Shit," I panted and felt myself tensing up. "Come on. Do it for your country."

"Well. If it's for my country..." Edward smiled and slowly removed his fingers before hopping on the tailgate. I scooted further back into the truck and pulled my underwear down, ignoring the coolness of the metal on my ass.

Edward frantically pulled off his pirate pants and was about to pull off his eye patch when I stopped him.

"Leave the eye patch on." I laughed and looked up at him as he laid on top of me.

"Kinky. Leave your hat on," he instructed, causing me to shiver. "Is the truck cold? Here, baby, get on top." Edward rolled to the side and I moved to straddle him. "That's better," he whispered and un-tucked the shirt from my skirt.

I grabbed his dick and slid down as we both cursed loudly. My hips rocked against his as he unbuttoned my shirt, grabbing my boobs with a smug smile. I fell forward, letting my chest hit his before he kissed me, moaning into my mouth.

"Fuck, baby," he groaned and grabbed my ass, making me grind faster.

"Holy shit. I love...I love your dick," I breathed and laughed at the same time.

Edward pushed the hair away from my face as he nodded and muttered something incoherent. I sat up to ride his dick, watching him watch me. One of his hands was holding onto my neck as the other moved against my cheek before he moved a finger into my mouth. I bit down on his thumb and watched as he winced in pleasure and pain.

"Fuck, that was hot," he panted and I felt the tension rising in my stomach. "You're about to come, aren't you, baby?" he asked, rubbing my clit and that was all I fucking needed.

"Fuck me," I moaned and fell against his chest while he grabbed my ass again, lifting his hips to fuck me harder until I cried out over and over again that I was coming.

As I began to regain consciousness, Edward grunted and I sat up as his fingers dug into my hips, moving me in rhythm as he bucked harder and closed his eyes while grabbing my boob.

I watched his beautiful fucking face as he mumbled and groaned, "Fuck, fuuuck," before slowing his movements and taking a second to catch his breath.

I leaned down to kiss him and tangled my fingers in his hair as he gazed up at me, looking relaxed and sated and fucking good.

"Hey," he whispered, pulling the eye patch off as I rolled over to lie next to him.

"Hm?"

"This might sound weird, but I'm glad you fucked up because you were bored and sucked at stripping and got arrested because...because then you wouldn't be here with me right now," he said while pulling me closer to him.

I watched his face as he swallowed and turned to look down at me. "That does sound weird," I admitted and smiled when he smiled. "But me too," I said softly. "I'm kind of glad, too."

We laid there for a few minutes before realizing we should probably get dressed and go back to the party before people started to realize we were missing. We walked back into the barn and Emmett called our asses out when he saw the looks on our faces.

"I'm gonna go get us some more beer," I said while rolling my eyes at Emmett. Edward kissed my head before I walked off and made my way over to the keg.

"Need a refill?" Peter asked and smiled, handing me a new cup.

"Two, actually."

"Two?" He looked over my shoulder and made a face before I looked behind me to see Edward staring in our direction. "You and Cullen, huh?"

"Yeah." I nodded and filled a cup, letting the foam spill over.

"Not to pry, but-"

"Yeah. He's my boyfriend," I said, cutting off Peter before he could get the chance to ask.

Peter laughed and looked over my shoulder again, telling me to have a good time before he walked off. After I filled both cups, I walked back to Edward and smiled at the way his eyes stayed on me the entire time.

"So, I think I may have just given us a label," I said apologetically as Edward gave me a _what the fuck are you talking about _face.

"Huh?"

"Pretty sure I just told Peter that you're my boyfriend," I explained as a look of understanding passed over Edward's face. He sipped his beer and wrapped and arm around me, pulling me closer to whisper in my ear.

"I like the sound of that," he murmured and kissed me, tasting like cheap beer.

I pulled back and watched him run a hand over his jaw. "Really? So, we're like...doing this."

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Hey, fuckers," Emmett yelled and threw an arm over Edward. "We're about to jet and go to Rose's to drink some more and light shit on fire, maybe smash a few pumpkins. Y'all down?"

"Yeah. Sure." Edward laughed and pulled away from Emmett.

We said our goodbyes to a few people around the party before piling into the truck and driving to Rose's place to crash since her parents were out of town for the weekend. Ten minutes after we walked into the house, Alice and Jasper snuck away to one of the spare bedrooms and Rose and Emmett locked themselves in her room. So much for lighting shit on fire.

Edward ran out to his car to grab his change of clothes as I knocked on Rose's bedroom door and politely asked her to give me my fucking bag. After I changed out of my costume, I walked into the living room to find Edward all warm and cute under a blanket on the couch.

He heard me walk into the room, opened one eye and said, "C'mere, Pockets. Come keep me warm."

I smiled and walked over to the couch as he pulled back the blanket and let me snuggle into him.

"I had fun tonight," he mumbled against my hair.

"Me too."

"I always have fun with you," he said with a yawn, tightening his arms around me.

His yawn made me yawn, which made him laugh as I said, "Me too."

He kissed my temple before whispering, "Night baby." In my ear. All I could think was this was the best fucking Halloween ever.

_I'm never letting Edward get rid of that eye patch...  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks to IndieFicPimp for rec'ing this story, and thank YOU for reading! :)  
><strong>

**Meg- any last words?**

**Liv- fuck no, I'm exhausted.**

**Meg- Thank God. Me too.**

**Liv- Peace sucka?**

**Meg- Peace sucka, indeed.**


	12. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eleven<strong>

Waking up next to Edward this morning was much better than last time. Not only was I not being molested by perverted snakes, but I was all wrapped up in arms and legs and tangled feet and just _boy_. And said boy was kinda hot. Not in the 'oh my god I can't wait to jump his fucking bones' hot. I mean, of course he was that, but right now he was freaking _sweltering_. All the alcohol we drank last night had definitely raised his body temperature.

I lifted his arm which was like moving a dead body - not that I'd moved a dead body before, but if I did I'm sure this is what it would feel like - and slid off the couch onto the floor. He made a small noise in the back of his throat, but other than that didn't budge. I sat there for a second just taking in his face; his lashes were so long they brushed against his cheeks. His lips were slightly parted and sleep lines were running across his cheek. He looked so peaceful, and completely fucking vulnerable. I smiled at that, feeling a bit like the Grinch as he came up with his evil plan to steal Christmas from the Who's.

"Shit," Rose whispered, coming up behind me and scaring the shit out of me. "I'm sure fucking glad I'm not on the other end of that smile," she said sitting on the floor next to me.

"He sure is a pretty thing for a boy, ain't he?" Rose asked still keeping her voice low, causing me to giggle. She put her finger over my lips and motioned for me to get up and follow her into the kitchen.

"So, what's the plan?" she asked. "Because I want in." She grinned and rubbed her hands together.

"Well," I said thoughtfully. "His face_ is_ awfully pretty, and since I've already tattooed my name on his dick, I might as well mark the other head too," I said and chuckled. "But I don't want to use a permanent marker. Do you have one of those washable ones?" I asked, moving over to the table.

"Uh, yeah, I do. Why no permanent?" she asked puzzled.

"Because what I'm going to write on him may keep him from being allowed into the school." I laughed.

"So, what are we writing on Pretty Boy's face this morning?" Emmett asked from the doorway causing both Rose and I to jump.

"Jesus, Emmett, was that really necessary?" Rose asked still holding her hand over her chest. Emmett just shrugged and came over to sit down beside of me.

"Bella's just going to get a little payback on Edward for all the pranks he's played on her," Rose answered. "Emmett, will you run up to my room and look in the second desk drawer and grab one of those washable markers for Bella?" Rose asked, moving to the fridge.

"Sure, I'll be right back," he called over his shoulder, heading for the stairs.

Rose and I were laughing about all of the shit that went down last night when I was suddenly pulled from the chair.

"What's it gonna be? If you're gonna mark him, it's gotta be good," Emmett explained as he rubbed his hands together.

I rolled my eyes at his excitement and thought for a moment. "Well, I could always go with a penis. I mean, that's pretty classic, right?"

"It might do enough damage. Or what about writing 'I suck dick' on his forehead?" Emmett offered while I cringed. "Or 'I have herpes'?"

"You can go with 'I got herpes from sucking dick'?" Rose added seriously.

I laughed but was completely fucking horrified as Jasper walked in the kitchen and said, "Or you can go with 'I got herpes from sucking Emmett's dick'."

"Y'all are assholes!" I screeched and was suddenly wishing I had never decided to fuck with Edward's pretty face in the first place.

"Yes, we are. But Edward was an asshole to you, Stinky! Think of all the times he made you piss your pants," Emmett started his little speech and I flipped him off. "Think of him throwing you in the pond, and that lame ass ghost story that, for some reason, scared the piss outta you. Think of the liver and gizzards. Think of-"

"Okay, I fucking get it," I snapped and grabbed the marker from his hand. "I'll just go with a penis then. Quick and easy. We'll all get a laugh and then it'll be over with. No need to bring fucking STD's into this."

Jasper laughed as Emmett pushed me into the direction of the living room. "You can do it. We'll be waiting in here for moral support. Make us proud."

Rose rolled her eyes and I flipped them off one more time for good measure before quietly making my way into the living room. I stood over Edward's sleeping form on the couch and crouched down to his level.

I went straight for his forehead and decided to write "Property of Bella Swan" nice and neat. He shifted a bit but didn't wake up and for that I was thankful. I held in my laughter as I stared at his perfect lips and thought 'fuck it'. I brought the marker to his upper lip and let my inner artist shine as I drew a handlebar mustache in the shape of a penis. It was fucking hilarious and I knew he'd laugh before washing that shit off.

I skipped back into the kitchen and tossed the marker at Emmett's face. "Done and done."

Emmett peeked into the living room and busted out in laughter which most likely woke Edward's ass up. "Nice. Handlebar penis mustache? Didn't think you had it in you, Stinky."

Alice eventually joined us in the kitchen and the five of us talked about grabbing brunch at the diner when I heard Edward groan. I grabbed a glass of water and made my way into the living room, sitting on the floor next to the couch.

"Drink this," I said and handed him the glass. He accepted it and pulled my arm to lay next to him.

"C'mere." He yawned and I set the glass on the floor before lying next to him on the couch. He leaned down to kiss me and I pulled away. "What the hell, Pockets?"

"Uh," I eyed the penis mustache and tried extremely hard to keep from laughing. I wasn't sure if that shit was completely dry and fuck if I was going to get that shit on my face. "Your breath. It smells like shit," I lied. Or, not completely lied because it's not like his breath smelled good or anything.

Edward laughed and covered his face with his arm. "Fine. I'll be right back. But then you owe me a good morning kiss."

"Afternoon," I pointed out and tried to steal a glance at his arm to see if there were any marker on it. Apparently, it had dried.

And apparently, Edward didn't look in the mirror before taking a piss or washing his mouth out because the bathroom was entirely too quiet. I waited a few minutes before he finally walked out and gave me a mischievous glare.

"What's this?" he asked with a grin as he pointed at his face.

"Payback," I replied and stood from the couch, backing away from him as he made his way over to me.

"Oh, you think this is funny, do you?" He smirked and I tried to make my escape, only to have him block the doorway. "You aren't making it out alive, you know that, right?"

"Look. We're even now! So, move out of the way so we can go to brunch with everyone. I need some fucking carbohydrates."

"Even my ass!" Edward laughed and lunged forward, grabbing me around the waist and pulling me closer to him. "I'm sorry, but this has to happen," he said apologetically as he easily lifted me over his shoulder, patting my ass twice.

I let out a scream and felt him laughing under me as he walked down the hall and into the bathroom. I quieted down before I heard him turn the shower on.

"Oh, fuck no," I squealed.

"Oh, fuck yes." He laughed before leaning over and depositing me under the freezing cold stream.

"Screw you!" I screamed and reached above me to grab the shower head, spraying him directly in the face.

Edward stepped into the tub and closed his eyes, reaching forward to grab it from me. "Don't make this harder on yourself, Bella," he tried saying as he grabbed me, tickling my side until I released my grip on the hose.

"Okay, okay, okay! Just keep your hands to yourself!"

"That's not what you said last night," he said all cheeky and wet and just fucking _good_.

I pulled back and laughed as he shook his hair out all over me before running a hand through it.

"Did this shit come off yet?" he asked, wiping a hand over his face.

"Uh..." I stared for a second and realized that no. It still hadn't washed off and I just sprayed the fuck out of his face. I brought my hand to his forehead and wiped furiously and yet...nothing. 'Property of Bella Swan' looked as neat as ever on his pretty forehead. The penis handlebar mustache was still in place in all its throbbing glory.

"Emmett!" I yelled as Edward dropped the hose and hopped out of the shower to properly inspect his face in the mirror.

Emmett and Rose bounded the corner as I turned the water off. Rose laughed at my artwork and I glared at Emmett who was suddenly doubled over on the floor.

"Emmett? Why isn't my artwork washing off of Edward's face?" I accused because I had a pretty fucking good idea as to why his face was still marked.

"Because I may or may not have handed you a permanent marker," Emmett said between spurts of laughter. "Okay, fuck it. I totally handed you a permanent marker. Obviously."

It was then that Rose deposited herself onto the bathroom floor from a fit of laughter. I wanted to laugh, but it was kind of fucked up. I didn't want to do damage to his pretty face. Not really, anyway.

"Permanent? I thought we agreed on a washable marker!" I spat and handed Edward a wet rag.

"_We _agreed on nothing. Rose merely suggested washable but I couldn't pass up the chance! That's what you get for making fun of my ass for pissing my pants last night, Pretty Boy!"

Edward narrowed his eyes at the reflection, casting a glare towards Emmett. "It's funny, but you're a real fucker!"

"Holy shit!" Rose yelled once she was finally able to breathe. "Oh my fucking God, this is priceless! You pretty much just got fucked in the ass. Was it painful?" she asked Edward who shook with laughter.

"Uh. Rose?" I pointed at her crotch, forcing Edward and Emmett to stare as well.

"Welcome to the fucking club," Emmett said seriously as he patted her shoulder. Edward and I choked on our laughs before I practically started crying from the sight of Rose's pee pants.

"You totally fucking pissed your pants!" Edward screamed, throwing the wet rag at Emmett's face. "Here. Clean her up."

"Fuck off! No, I just..." Rose stuttered at the realization. "The floor must be wet, and...I just-"

"Pissed your pants!" Jasper howled as he and Alice walked into the bathroom.

"God dammit!" Rose flipped us all off and stalked out of the bathroom. "This is all your fault, Swan!"

"Hey," I pouted as everyone walked out of the bathroom, leaving me and Edward alone. "I'm getting really tired of people blaming their weak bladders on me!"

"Well. It all started once you moved here. We have no choice but to blame you," Edward explained and went back to scrubbing the shit out of his face.

"Sorry about that, by the way." I apologized while pointing at his face. "Such a pretty face and then I had to go and ruin it."

"Yeah, way to go, Pockets. Now what do I have going for me?" He smirked. "Definitely not my personality."

"Or your skills in bed," I added while nodding.

"Damn, really?"

"Mediocre at best." I shrugged as he grabbed a hold of my waist and pulled me into him.

"It looks like I might have to change your mind." He wiggled his eyebrows and I busted out laughing. "What? Do I have something on my face?" he joked.

"I'm sorry it's just..._hard _to take you seriously or sexy when you have a fucking handlebar penis mustache on your face."

"Ah." Edward cringed and shook his head. "So, what were you trying to accomplish by using my forehead to claim me as your property?"

I gave him a smile and grabbed the rag from his hand. "I just figured it was the easiest way to make it public knowledge that you're my boyfriend now."

"Wait..." he trailed off, looking confused. "I'm your boyfriend now?"

I eyed him. "Funny, Cullen. Funny."

He gave me a side smile before saying, "I don't know if I like having a girlfriend who draws on my face while I'm passed out."

"No worse than having a boyfriend who makes you pee your pants and stake out graveyards," I pointed out as he nodded along with me.

"Fine, so. Let's make a deal? You keep your penis artwork to yourself and I'll make sure to keep your underwear dry," he finished before cracking a smile. "Or, you know what I mean..."

I smiled this time and felt my cheeks flush. "I know what you mean."

"Will you fucking kiss me now? Cause if the penis on my face is what's stopping you, you're going to have to do without for about a week until this shit comes off."

"Fuck. I kind of hate Emmett right now."

"I mean, yeah. But you also could've looked at the marker before defiling my face," Edward pointed out.

I groaned because he was right. Why the fuck did I trust Emmett to not pull a fast one over on us? "Why don't you just keep all your points to yourself? I'm tired and hungover and need some pancakes and a shitload of caffeine and maybe a 'wake and bake' session."

"Alright, alright. Smoke a bowl then go eat?"

"Sounds perfect." I nodded in agreement and didn't pull away when he leaned down to kiss me.

"Is it weird that this is the closest my penis has been to your mouth?" Edward said, shaking with laughter.

"I'm the one who drew it on your face, therefore it is _my _penis," I concluded, causing Edward to groan.

"Don't ever say that again, Pockets. That was just fucked up."

Edward and I snuck out to his truck to light up a bowl before the six of us groggily gathered our things to head out to the diner. The waitress didn't even blink an eye as Edward ordered his food, but that didn't stop us from snickering the entire time. Everyone was relatively quiet due to all of the fuckery that had been had over the past twenty-four hours. Emmett was the only one who kept yapping about all the shit we did the night before and ending his speech with how I should've added pubes to the balls on Edward's face. Edward retaliated by pouring Tabasco sauce on Emmett's pancakes, which didn't deter Emmett whatsoever.

After our food settled we all parted ways and headed home. Edward's eyes kept flicking to the rear-view mirror and I knew he was checking out the artwork that was still clear as day.

"It'll fade," I mumbled, trying not to let myself feel too bad.

"I know it will, don't worry about it," he said and smiled at me. "So I'll call you later?" he asked tugging on the end of hair.

"Sure." I smiled and leaned over to kiss him, but stopped short just to fuck with him. He groaned and stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.

"Fine," he said petulantly and tried really hard not to smile.

"Oh, come on Edward, don't be such a dickhead," I choked out laughter, causing him to drop the pout and laugh with me.

"You've been waiting for a chance to use that line on me all day haven't you?" he asked, pulling me closer. I smiled and kissed his lips.

"I totally have," I said grinning up at him.

"Well, I'm glad that worked out for you. Now get the hell outta my truck, woman. I gotta get home and see what I can do about this shit on my face," he said and smacked me on the ass. I laughed and grabbed my bag before telling him I'd talk to him later. What a fucking day.

I walked in and plopped down on the sofa in the living room. I planned to just veg out in front of the television for a few hours. The front door slamming shut caused me to jump and roll off the couch. Fuck that hurt. I looked up from the floor to see Jane smiling down at me.

"Sup, chick? You trying to add to those stitches?" she asked, helping me to my feet.

"Hell no. The ones I've got itch enough," I said, scratching my forehead. "What time is it anyway?" I asked, looking around.

"Four o'clock," she said, eying me, "You hungry? I just picked up some food I can make you something if you'd like," she said, holding out a bag of groceries I failed to notice before. And fuck yes. I was down with her making some fucking grub. That spaghetti she made last time was fucking awesome.

"That would be awesome. I'm going upstairs to wash up, I'll be back down in a few," I said and turned to the stairs before I stopped and looked back over my shoulder at her. "Thanks," I added, because she really was fucking awesome.

"No problem B. I'll meet you in the dining room," she said smiling and disappeared through the doorway.

I washed up and did the sniff test to make sure I didn't smell like funk, I really could use a shower if I was being honest. The nickname _Stinky_ was kinda appropriate at the moment. But I was fucking starving so that shit would have to wait.

I made my way down to the dining room where Charlie and Jane were already sitting and slid into my chair at the same time Jane slid a plate of food in front of me. This chick was just all kinds of win today. We ate in silence for a few minutes until Charlie cleared his throat, causing me to glance up at him.

"So, Bella." Charlie began looking nervously over at Jane. "I was wondering, if maybe we could add a few place settings to the dinner table this Thanksgiving?" He asked, looking down at his plate. What the hell was he going on about?

"What Charlie is asking, Bella, is if you would mind if I joined you guys for Thanksgiving this year." Jane cut in and rolled her eyes at Charlie's ineptness, I assumed.

"You cooking?" I asked suspiciously. I mean, if she was going to be the cooking then fuck yeah she could come. But if I had to feed another mouth my lazy ass would have to think about that.

"Sure." She smirked, obviously knowing what I was thinking. Charlie cleared his throat and looked over at Jane who was openly laughing at him now. Did I miss something? These two clearly had issues. I think they smoked more than I did.

"Charlie," Jane said sweetly, batting her eyes at him. Gross. "How exactly did you survive with this one," she hooked her finger towards me, "for the past eighteen years if you can't ask her simple questions?" she asked playfully. Charlie cracked a smile and looked over at me.

"She can be a handful." He laughed like I wasn't sitting right fucking there. I huffed in annoyance. What was this shit, pick on Bella day? Oh right, every fucking day was pick on Bella day. Fuckers.

Jane looked at me and rolled her eyes at me before pointing at herself. "Down ass chick, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, down ass chick. So, what else do you need to ask me since Charlie has suddenly become mute," I said, rolling my wrist in a circle for them to get on with it already.

"Charlie would like for you to invite your boyfriend also," Jane said. Okay, I could do that, no problem, I just-

"And his parents." She finished, looking like the damn Cheshire cat. I'm sorry, come again?

"What?" I asked my voice strangely high pitched. I mean, fuck that. No fucking way. Ms. Esme and Dr. C with Jane and Charlie. Add Edward and all his mischief in the deal? I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes.

"Um, Bella...are you okay there? You look a little pale," Charlie pointed out nervously. Okay, I was about to have to tiny panic attack here. I mean, Edward and I just declared ourselves, weren't family dinners reserved for later in a relationship? You know, like waiting three days to call after the first date and waiting until the third date to have sex. So family holiday dinners should also be a three, I think three years after declaring your relationship status would be more appropriate than three weeks. At least after three years everyone will be desensitized enough to the crazy not to go running for the hills.

"Bella!" Jane choked out. I turned towards her to see her cradling her face in her hands and tears in the corner of her eyes. Shit is she okay, did she get hurt? What the fuck did I just miss? I jumped up from my seat to, I don't know, perform the Heimlich maneuver or something cause she looked like she might be dying. And that shit would suck cause I really liked Jane and she made Charlie happy. Plus she kept him occupied so I didn't have to be subjected to his shitty sentence structures, where he references the town of Intercourse inappropriately. And if she really is choking to death she'd be dead by now because I'm just standing here lost in my own fucking head thinking about all of the reasons I don't want Jane to die. Well, at least if she goes I'll know that I really did like that hippie bitch. A loud snort jarred me from my musings and I looked over at Jane who was, in fact, dying. Laughing. At me. Of fucking course.

"You have to be one of the strangest people I have ever met," Jane said, still trying to catch her breath. "And Bella, you do realize that I work with crazy people right? People who have a check mark in the crazy box on their profile," she said shaking her head. And maybe I didn't like Jane so much after all. But fuck, she was probably right.

"Well I'll be sure to never have you analyze me then," I sassed. Cause I'm a teenager and that shit is just status quo.

"Not even off the record?" She smirked. "Could be fun, just me and you, chilling, we can even sit in a circle..." She trailed off with a wink. And oh shit, did Jane just invite me to her smoking circle. The grin that overtook my face was massive. She saw it and knew I got it. This has potential to be fucking awesome and awkward all rolled into one. Hope she isn't a sharer, there are some things I will never need to know about Charlie.

"But how can two people sit in a circle?" Charlie asked, confused. Shit. I forgot he was there. Jane laughed, loudly, I just shook my head and decided to let her deal with that shit. I turned and made my way out of the room when Jane stopped me. Damn it.

"So, Thanksgiving with the Cullens, you'll ask?" she asked in a way that made me think if _I_ didn't ask, she would.

"Fine. I'll ask, but I swear if you guys do anything to scar me anymore than I already am, I'm going to need that check mark in the crazy box too." And with that I hauled ass to my room. I needed a break from the crazy for a bit.

I pulled out my camera and checked my lenses. In the bottom of the drawer was my application to New York Institute of Photography. I pulled it out and looked over all of the information I needed to submit along with it. My portfolio was almost finished, but I wanted to change a few things now. I got some really cool pictures at the bonfire, and of the landscapes, too. I scrolled through my camera and stopped when I came to the picture I snapped of Edward at the bonfire. He was so fucking hot. He also lived here, in Alabama. And he would probably go to school somewhere here too. And I would be in New York. Which is not here, in Alabama, with Edward.

My stomach felt funny all the sudden, like butterflies and knots and twisty. I didn't like it, and I knew it had to do with my epiphany. Fuck, I had a plan. I knew he was going to fuck with my shit. But I had time, lots of fucking time, I wasn't going to worry about this shit right now.

I spent the rest of the day moping around my room like the little emo bitch I was. Edward called later that night to see if I wanted to watch a movie, but I lied and said I was tired and not in the mood to stare at his dick face all night. He laughed, but I think he knew something was up. But like always he was cool as a fucking cucumber and let that shit go. He also let me know that his parents got a real kick out of my artwork. I didn't even fucking think about Ms. Esme and Dr. C seeing that shit. Fuck. I hoped she would still make me cupcakes. He had promised his mom he would help her with some shit around the house tomorrow so he wouldn't see me until he came to pick me up for school on Monday. And wouldn't you fucking know that I got emo all over again about not seeing him until Monday. Fuck, how was I ever going to get this shit figured out?

Monday morning came and somehow I had managed to push everything swirling around in my head to the side for the time being. I hopped in Edward's truck and jumped him, kissing him hard and palming his junk because I missed his sexy fucking ass. He laughed at my attack then groaned when I started feeling him up.

"Bella, you're gonna make us late for school if you don't stop that shit right now," he said, pulling back to look at me. As soon as he did the moment was gone because I busted the fuck up laughing immediately.

"Edward, what the fuck have you done to your face?" I choked out.

"What, this?" He asked smiling and pointed at his face. This crazy mother fucker has gone and filled in the penis handlebar moustache and made it solid to hide the fact that it was, you know, a penis. But he had to get rid of the outline so now the thing was fucking huge. Like Yosemite Sam fucking huge.

"Yes _that_, you big dork. Why the fuck did you do that?" I asked, laughing. He gave me a blank stare.

"Do you really have to ask?" he deadpanned. And yeah, I guess it would be better than walking around with a dick on your face.

"Emmett's gonna be pissed," I said chuckling.

"Exactly. At least I can get _some_ satisfaction out of this shit."

We got to school and things went much like we expected. People snickered at the 'Property of Bella Swan' across his forehead, and stared at the moustache a little confused. He just smirked and smiled and looked fucking hot in spite of his facial art. One thing that I did not anticipate however, was Maggie. I mean, I didn't realize that bitch was still alive at this point. But she was. And apparently felt the need to make her feelings about Edward's face art public fucking knowledge.

"Hey, Bella," Fire Girl, aka Jessica Stanley, said.

"Sup," I replied, eyeing her warily. I knew her type, she could get bent for all I cared. I was not here to feed her gossip fire. Maybe I should tell her and her extensions that. It might send her packing.

"So, I saw Edward this morning." she said trying to appear casual. News fucking flash, you fucking failed. Epically.

"Yup," I replied cause I was rocking the three letter words. I wondered how many I could get away with before she finally dropped the bullshit. Apparently it was only two because as soon as I answered she huffed.

"So, what was that about anyway? I mean, Maggie thinks that you're just insecure and are trying to stake a claim on him even though he doesn't want you to," she said, leaning in closer to me. And you have got to be fucking kidding me right now. That bitch must have a fucking death wish.

I laughed humorlessly. "Did she send you over here?" I asked. "Because if she did then you can leave here and not worry about the repercussions. But if you came over here with that shit all on your own then I will have no mercy on the embarrassment that I will inflict upon you," I said seriously.

"She sent me, I swear," she cried. "Please don't pussy punch me," she added, causing me to laugh.

"Get the fuck out of here before I change my mind," I said, flinching at her. I mean, fuck it, it wasn't like there was a fucking hill I could fall down this time.

I told Edward about my little skank encounter, but he just laughed at me. I guess I could understand, I mean he was the one with shit all over his face.

"I'm going to take you somewhere," he said out of the fucking blue while we were walking to his truck after school.

"Yeah, where?" I asked linking my fingers with his.

"It's a surprise," he said, smiling at me.

"Well fuck, I love a good surprise, but I'm also an impatient little bitch. So don't be surprised if I bug the shit out of you about it either," I said, laughing. "When are we going?" I asked, already starting my interrogation.

"This Saturday if that's okay with you," he said, bumping my shoulder. And fuck every moment with him was fucking okay with me.

"Sounds good," I said instead so I didn't sound like a punk ass bitch.

The rest of the week was pretty much the same. Edward's face art faded a little more each day, I bugged the shit out of him about where we were going the coming weekend and I gave Maggie and Jessica the stink eye whenever they dared to come across me.

The weekend came and I couldn't have been happier that Edward would be by to pick me up any minute. Of course, that could have something to do with Jane having another sleepover with Charlie. As happy as I was for him, the idea of Charlie getting laid was going to take some getting used to. But at least I liked Jane, crazy fucking hippie that she was, so that made it a bit easier.

I pulled on a navy jacket and a lightweight scarf before pulling my hair up in a ponytail. I slipped on a pair of sneakers since Edward said to dress comfortably and headed down the stairs. He'd be here any minute and the quicker I could duck out of here the better my chances were of avoiding Charlie. Not that I didn't just love some father/daughter bonding, but I preferred at least one of us to be high, it was less painful that way.

A horn honked out front just as I cleared the last step and I darted to the front door not bothering to cast a glance towards the living room. If I don't make eye contact then I didn't really see them right?

I jogged up to Edward's truck as he leaned over the seat and popped the door open for me with a huge smile on his face. Was he high? He better not have smoked without me...

"Hey Bella." He smiled. "You look really pretty today."

"Uh...thanks," I replied dumbly, because really what else do you say to that.

"So, where exactly are we going?" I asked because he had still yet to tell me.

"It's a surprise," he said. Just like every other time I'd asked. I huffed feigning frustration that he wouldn't tell me, but really I could care less where he was taking me as long as I got to look at him, and maybe smoke some more killer bud. Okay, _definitely_ smoke more killer bud.

"Have you ever ridden a four-wheeler?" he asked, causing me to stare at him like he's an idiot. Because really, do I _look_ like I've ridden a four-wheeler? Does he not know me at all?

Edward regarded the look on my face as confirmation that no, I have not.

"Well, we're about to change that. The place we're going is pretty deep in the woods. You can't get there in a vehicle and walking is out of the question; it's too far."

"Where the hell are you taking me?" I asked a little nervous all of the sudden. Why would he want to take me back in the woods where no one can come get us? Is this how they do it down here, draw you in being all friendly, get you high to bring down your defenses making you feel comfortable, then BAM your face is on the side of a milk carton and your body is fertilizing the ground.

Edward looked over at me and busted out laughing, "Bella, you really need to get over this fear that every person in the country is a serial killer. That's only in West Virginia," he finished, still laughing at me. Well, damn it I can't help it, all the silence and freaking trees wigged me out.

"Whatever," I pouted waving him off because I know I'm being ridiculous. We pulled up to the side of an old barn and Edward got out of the truck and motioned for me to follow. I climbed out of the truck and walked over to him as he opened the door to the barn.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"This is my grandparents place. They don't really use the barn for anything other than storage. It's where I keep my wheels." He grunted, giving the heavy door a good yank. I knew that grunt, that grunt made me think very dirty thoughts. And just like that, alone in the woods didn't seem so bad anymore.

As he pulled the door open, I peeked inside and saw, well, a bunch of junk. Oh, and the death trap we were apparently going cruising on.

"Here," he said flinging a pair of..._pants _at me? What the hell?

"Okay, first, what the hell are these and second, why the hell do I need them?" I questioned because good lord these things are huge. They were camouflage, the legs were really thick with lining and they had...suspenders? I didn't know he was into role play, but I can think of much better options than a onesie.

"They're coveralls. You'll want that to cover your legs so you don't get scratched up from any stray limbs or bushes," he said while slipping into his own pair.

Well damn, even Edward in coveralls and a trucker hat turns me on. Who knew? Maybe I have a fetish of my own. I pulled the big ass pants on and followed him over to the four-wheeler, climbing on behind him. Well, this may not be so bad after all. Winding my arms around him I linked my fingers together and let them slide a little lower. You know, to get comfortable and all that. Edward laughed and placed one of his hands on mine halting my movement.

"Bella, I don't think I have to tell you you're going to get yourself in a world of trouble if you don't stop right there," he said turning and smirking at me. Promises, promises.

"Maybe I want a world of trouble Edward, ever think about that?" I sassed. He shook his head and muttered something about death, but I couldn't take the time to worry about it because we were suddenly moving.

We rode in relative silence, navigating through trees and around stumps. After about fifteen minutes I realized that we really were way back in the fucking woods and I started to wonder if I really am crazy, because no one would here me scream out here. _God, please don't let me die. Amen._

Before I had a chance to think about it anymore we came to a stop. Edward hopped off and grabbed my hand, helping me climb down. We stood in a thicket of trees and branches and brier bushes and I couldn't distinguish this place from anywhere else we'd been except it was even more condensed.

"Wow. Edward, this is...something else," I said sarcastically, because what the fuck was so special about this?

He sighed and pulled me towards him. "Not this silly. It's over through those trees right there, this is just as far as we can go on the four wheeler," he said rolling his eyes at me.

Well, how the fuck was I supposed to know that?

"This is a very special place to me. I've never brought anyone here before," he said, sounding nervous. "You can't tell anyone about this place okay? Not even the guys." He finished, looking a little more stern. What the hell?

"Then why on earth did you bring _me_?" I asked. Because if his friends who have been in his life forever didn't know about this place, then why would he trust me with this knowledge?

"Because I want to share this with you," he said quietly and used his arm to push the branches in front of us to the side.

I gasped, my limbs frozen as I stared in awe at the beauty in front of me. The sun was shining brightly onto the area and the colors reflecting from the field ranged from bright red to a dark violet color. And the smell - _my God_ - I must've been in heaven.

Edward stood beside me shifting nervously from side to side. "Well? What do you think?" he asked, laughing at me. I know my face must have looked like a fucking kid on Christmas morning.

"Edward," I breathed in complete fucking awe. "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Is all of this yours?" I asked because oh my fucking Jesus; if there was a heaven, surely this was a preview.

"Yeah," he said, smiling.

I stepped away from him and further into the sunlight, transfixed with the beauty surrounding me. As far as I could see, beautiful marijuana plants stood tall and proud. The scent wafting from them was enough to give me a full blown contact high. I noticed there were stakes that seemed to be sectioning off different areas. I also noticed that each section had buds that varied in color and size. Fucking hell, there was a shit ton of weed here in every strain you could imagine, and here I stood in the middle of 20 to life and all I could think about was the fact that Edward had brought me here when he had never told a soul about it's location.

I turned to him with tears in my eyes. "Edward. Not that I'm _not _fucking stoked you brought me here, because I am and in a few minutes I expect you to let me pick out some buds like I'm picking out a fucking Christmas tree and lighting that shit up, but I have to ask you again- why? Why me?" I realized that as much as I wanted to know the answer to that question I was also terrified of it. I had a feeling whatever answer he gave me was going to change things for me and damn it I was already fucking struggling with shit as it was.

He walked over to me and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers. He stared at our joined hands before looking at me. "You know why Bella, I mean you're cool as fuck, you put up with my pranks without bitching too much, you're hot, and you have good taste in weed." He paused. "Oh, and I'm pretty fucking sure I like you more than all of the other fuckers we hang out with."

I stood there staring at him for a minute. What do you say to that shit? _I don't have all my shit figured out yet? I really want to have sex with you right now? I really fucking like you too?_

Damn it, this was not part of the plan. I wasn't supposed to find cool ass people that I actually enjoyed hanging out with. And I sure as fuck never expected to meet someone like Edward in this shitty fucking town. A stupid boy who wears stupid trucker hats and smokes stupid awesome weed. I wasn't supposed to care about his friends or what happened to them after we graduated or...anything. I wasn't supposed to care about anything.

But I did. And shit, I needed to fucking smoke before I lost my mind.

Could I deny that I didn't feel the same way? Could I be that much of a bitch? Fuck no. Besides, I'd just be lying to myself anyway, and hadn't I already done enough of that?

"Well, Edward. You're right." He stared at me blankly as I said, "I am hot and awesome and have good taste in weed. And...I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure that I like you more than all of the other fuckers we hang out with too," I said and smiled, cause that was kind of sweet, right? Right.

And apparently my answer was okay with him too because he pulled me to him and kissed me. It was warm and wet and soft and we were _so_ going to have sex in the middle of this fucking field.

Right after I picked a bud off each kind of plant out here and we smoked until we forgot our own names.

Half an hour later we're laying on our backs trying to determine if the cloud above us looked more like a horse head or Julia Roberts, I mean really, it could go either way.

"So, I have a question for you," I said, rolling over to my side and propping my head up on my arm.

"I'm all ears." He smiled and mimicked my position.

"Charlie wants me to invite you and your parents to our house for Thanksgiving," I said quickly, well as quickly as someone can with cotton mouth so bad they can barley move their mouth.

"Shit, for real?" Edward laughed rolling back onto his back. "You sure that's a good idea Pockets?" he asked, cutting his eyes over to me.

"Fuck no, it's a horrible idea and the entire fucking day is going to be a disaster, but if I didn't ask you I was scared Jane would corner your dad," I said, still freaking out at the fucking thought. He laughed at me then pulled my arm till I was settled against his side.

"Oh, it'll be a fucking disaster all right. You probably don't know this, but someone from the gang always ends up having dinner with us for some reason or another so it won't be just us, we could end up with Emmett at the table as well." He grimaced rubbing his forehead that was finally marker free.

And Jesus fucking Christ, all I could see was Emmett acting like Robin Williams with the lost boys flinging food all around the damn table like a fucking savage. This was finally going to be what did me in; I was going to be fucking traumatized for life. _I'm ready for my check mark, Jane_.

"We can't tell them," I said seriously. "If they don't know about it then they can't come." I rambled, thinking of all the ways to make this shit just go away. Edward sighed next to my and shook his head.

"Emmett works with my dad. There is no way in hell he won't find out. Face it, we're going to have front row seats to the most inappropriate, bizarre, fucked up Thanksgiving in the history of Intercourse." He sighed, resigned.

"We're going to need a bigger bong," I said seriously.

"Yes, yes we are," he replied just as seriously.

_I'm never going to be able to afford all of my therapy bills._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Liv- So snot face, you breathing any better?**

**Meg- Screw off. This blows. Or...doesn't blow. Allergies suck :'(**

**Liv- Testy, testy.. So this chapter..any comments?**

**Meg- Yes. I want a weed meadow for Christmas. Make it happen, please.**

**Liv- Dude, it will be my life's mission. I promise.**

**Meg- Are you excited for the fuckery that will go down when I spend Thanksgiving with you?**

**Liv- Fuck yes! I wish we could prolong the dinner in this fic for after we get together. Cause you know we'll have some material then.**

**Meg- One word- outtake.**

**Liv- And back road QB, cause you're doing that shit.**

**Meg- I'm nervous but I know with the help of your liquor closet (yes, CLOSET, not cabinet) I can achieve anything.**

**Liv- Yes, drunken debauchery in abundance.**

**Meg- Isn't that the theme of this story? Enjoy!**

**Thanks to left1215 for pre-reading this bad boy and catching all our mistakes. And thanks to Twilly for her super awesome review on IndieFicPimp! We offered her an outtake and she requested Esme's discovery of Edward's post coital glow. Outtake will be sent out with review replies, so hit us up suckas! See you next Tuesday!  
><strong>


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twelve<strong>

"No, Emmett."

"Yes, Bella."

"What about 'no' don't you understand, Emmett?" I asked, waving my arm over my head. This boy was wearing me the fuck out.

"You can't stop me from coming you know," he said pouting like a damn girl. Freaking drama queen. This is pretty much how every conversation had gone since Emmett found out about our Thanksgiving plans a few weeks ago. How he found out so fast is still a mystery to me. I swear I think he has this place bugged or something.

After Edward and I left the heavenly meadow, we decided to drive over to Stitched or Stuffed and see what his parents plans were for Thanksgiving. Turned out his Grams and Pops were going on a cruise and none of them were invited, so operation 'Fucked Up Thanksgiving' was a go. Score for me! I could only imagine our conversations being something along the lines of _'why thank you Jane, could you please pass the Xanax?'._

"Why are you so insistent on coming to dinner with us?" I asked like an idiot. I knew why, and if it were someone else who it was happening to I would totally crash their dinner as well. But it wasn't someone else, it was me, and this was going to be fucking painful. He gave me a blank stare not even acknowledging my question. So I did the mature thing and stomped my foot and turned my back to him. Asshole.

"Esme is bringing cupcakes. Try and keep me away and I may be forced to take drastic measures," he said seriously. I shuddered. There's no telling what the hell that might entail. I sighed in defeat because misery loves company, right?

"Alright, Stinky, I'm out of here. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow!" he crowed before leaving the office. I am so not looking forward to tomorrow.

I had just finished shutting down the computer when the bell above the door rang. Crap, I wanted to get the hell out of here; I really did fucking stink. This was my last day of community service and as much as I would miss working with Emmett and Dr. C, I would not miss going home smelling like horse shit every time I left here.

"Hey Bells," Charlie said strolling up to me at the counter. Uh, what the hell was Charlie doing here?

"Charlie!" Dr. C called from the doorway of his office. Did I miss something?

"What's going on?" I asked, because I was a bit confused by the familiarity these two were sharing.

"I called Charlie the other day to let him know you were done with your community service today and that he could stop by and pick up the signed forms to keep as a copy," Dr. C said strolling in with a folder in his hand.

"So, did you give any more thought into coming with me this afternoon?" Dr. C asked propping his elbow on the counter. I looked over at Charlie who's face suddenly looked much more pale.

"Going with you where?" I asked, looking between the two of them.

"I invited your dad to come with me to catch a live turkey for dinner tomorrow," Dr. C said, like it was the most normal thing in the world. He wanted him to wait..._what?_

"I'm sorry Dr. C, but that statement is going to need further clarification," I said, leaning forward because I had a feeling this shit was going to be good.

"Well, there's this place further out in the country that breeds turkeys and other birds. They do it for unique feather pattens and such. There are usually about forty or so turkeys that don't turn out the way they expect, so they put them to the side and fatten 'em up. Then around Thanksgiving they let people come out and catch, kill, and pluck their own turkeys." Dr. C finished with his eyes lighting up. Charlie looked green. Me- I was fucking giddy. Paybacks a bitch Charlie.

"Oh, Dad! You've gotta do it!" I said in my most excited voice, even throwing a 'dad' in there for good measure. Charlie sent me a look that would make even Church Norris shrink back. Good thing I'm not Chuck Norris.

"I don't know, Bells, hunting's not really my thing," he said uneasily.

"Oh, don't worry Charlie! They have us all fenced in. You've just got to catch it. Nothing like catching a turkey with your bare hands." Dr. C finished, rubbing his hands together. Charlie blanched. I couldn't hold back my laugh when it burst from my chest. Charlie was so fucked.

"Wait," Charlie squeaked out. "You don't use a gun?" he asked, running his palms against the front of his jeans.

"Pfft,"Dr. C said, waving his arm in the air. "Where's the fun in that? It'll be fun. Come on, you'll see," he added. I could tell Charlie was wavering by the way his eyes kept darting around the room. I figured just one more push and he'd be a goner.

"I bet Jane would think it's pretty cool that you caught a turkey with your bare hands," I said nonchalantly, trying not to throw up in my mouth at the look of satisfaction that came over Charlie's face. I did not want to know what he was thinking, that's for fucking sure.

"Well, I guess we can give it a try. It is the manly thing to do," Charlie said puffing out his chest. Jesus fucking Christ, Jane had created a monster.

"Excellent!" Dr. C said, clapping his hands together. "Esme is going over to your house later this evening to help Jane with some of the prep work for tomorrow, so we'll just meet you guys over there later," he said to me and nodded. I shook my head, what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall when this shit goes down. Nice knowing you Charlie.

I smirked at Charlie when I saw realization set in that he just agreed to chase down a turkey and kill it with his bare hands. Sorry for ya, sucka! I grabbed my bags, threw up a peace sign and got the hell outta there before I got dragged into that shit.

**Charlie's POV**

"So, have you ever done this before?" I asked Carlisle as we pulled into the turkey farm.

"Oh, yeah. Hundreds of times."

"Really? Wow. That's a lot of Thanksgivings." We both laughed and I was starting to feel a little more at ease until-

"Not just Thanksgiving though. Sometimes I come here just for fun," he replied and unbuckled his seat belt.

"For fun?" I swallowed and mocked his movements with the seat belt before hopping out of the car.

Surely people didn't kill poor, innocent animals for _fun_, right? I mean, what kind of person does that? I had a hard time watching Jane brown the meat for spaghetti. I couldn't imagine coming to a turkey farm to kill turkeys for fun. Unless he was just really into eating turkey. Which, then, that would make sense. It's not like he-

"Yep. I kill the turkey with my bare hands, pluck the lifeless thing clean then leave them here. Don't even take them home half the time. Esme claims it's so much work to cook those things so I don't see the need in putting her through that just because I need to blow off a little steam."

What the fuck had I gotten myself into? No. More like what did my dear daughter_ Bella_ get me into? I had a feeling she was loving this a little too much.

"Maybe I'll just sit this one out," I said loudly, taking a deep breath. "You know, just...yeah."

"Nonsense. It'll be a good bonding experience," Carlisle replied, patting me on the back a little harder than necessary.

Bonding. Super. That makes me really happy.

We walked into the small house and I stood back as Carlisle talked to an older woman who eyed me the way I assumed Carlisle would eye a turkey. I was fresh meat to her. She was carrying on a conversation with Carlisle while victimizing me with her eyes.

I ran a hand over my 'stache and looked away. I knew I should have joined Jane when she ripped the bong earlier, but I wasn't sure how this would all play out. Now I really needed a hit to deal with all of this.

"All right, it's all settled. There's a family out back catching their Thanksgiving meal, but they should be finishing up soon," he explained and I was already feeling lightheaded. "Let's go over a few things before we get out there."

"Yeah. Okay."

"First things first- to kill a turkey, you have to catch it."

"Makes sense." I laughed as he nodded and kept speaking.

"You have to let them know who's the boss. Don't let them sense your fear. When you enter the pen, they'll disperse into different corners. Choose your victim wisely," he said seriously as I _seriously _tried not to blanch. "They'll cock their little necks to the side, watching your every move with one black eye. Don't let them intimidate you. You hold the power, Charlie."

"Right. I hold the power..."

"They'll be tense and alert and make the ugliest sound you've ever heard. Don't let that stop you from taking what you want!" Carlisle yelled a little too excitedly. And then his smile disappeared as he said, "You ready? It's time."

We walked out back and I surveyed the area, taking in the smell and the stray feathers flying around and the...the look on Carlisle's face as he made eye contact with one of the turkeys, claiming it as his own. He slowly walked towards the pen and I found myself unable to move.

"Since we only need one turkey why don't you just take the lead on this one and maybe I'll try it some other time?"

"We need two turkeys actually. Didn't you hear? Emmett will be joining us for dinner tomorrow, which means we'll need one turkey for him and one for the rest of us."

I laughed because I figured he was joking, but Carlisle didn't even blink. What the hell? Was this Emmett person part bear because holy shit.

"Why don't I just watch you first so I can see how it's done?" I called from the safety of the back porch.

"Sounds good to me," he said and walked into the pen.

"Wait, don't you need gloves or something?" I asked, holding out a pair of rubber gloves that were sitting on the railing of the porch.

"Nah. I can do without for this part. I might need the gloves later if I feel like using the hatchet on 'em."

The gloves I held out were suddenly on the ground along with my jaw. Carlisle gave me a sinister smile and walked further into the pen, calling out to the turkeys. He was mumbling all sorts of bullshit and I laughed to myself as I imagined him speaking Turkish to the turkeys. Yeah. Being high would've definitely made this experience so much better.

I resisted the urge to cover my eyes as one turkey, the one Carlisle had made eye contact with, slowly edged closer to where he was standing in the middle of the pen. Carlisle's voice became low and his words slowed down as he and the turkey had some sort of understanding. Holy fuck, this man was like the turkey whisperer or something. I couldn't look away. It was almost beautiful how they were connecting, the turkey fully trusting him as he-

"Watch and learn," he said to me before reaching down and snapping the turkeys neck.

Well fuck me if that wasn't the sickest thing I had ever seen. And that's saying something seeing as how I used to live in New York.

Carlisle walked over to the porch, a huge smile plastered across his face as he carried the dead turkey in one hand.

"That was my fastest time, too. Remind me to have Edna record that," Carlisle instructed as he walked past me, patting my back twice. With the hand that snapped the turkeys neck. "You ready? When you're done we can take these to the barn out back and pluck away."

I swallowed and hesitantly walked into the pen. I was the boss. I had the power. I've got the...power.

"Alright, so...I just stand here until one of the turkeys comes over to me?" I called out, keeping my eye on one of the turkeys in the corner of the pen.

"Demand their attention. Show them who holds the power," Carlisle instructed.

Right. Who has the power? I've got the power. And...now I've also got the tune to Snap's "I've Got The Power" stuck in my head. God, why did I let Bella talk me into this?

"I...come in peace!" I yelled out loud to the turkey I had my eye on. Great. Not only was I fucking _lying_ to the poor turkeys, but also speaking to them as if they were aliens.

I could do this. No problem. If I was able to live with Bella for eighteen years, I sure as hell could endure fighting a turkey to its death. I stepped forward and followed the turkey along the side the fence as it tried to escape.

"That's it, now corner it! Make him submit!" Carlisle yelled, egging me on.

"Submit!" I screamed and reached down as I felt my hand grab on to some of the feathers. I squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my grip, bringing my other hand around the turkey to hold it in place. But the fucker started flailing about as I yelled submit! submit! over and over again. I lost my balance and stumbled backward, finally loosening my grip on my victim. I mean, turkey.

"Almost!" Carlisle screeched as I heard him enter the pen.

As I laid on the ground in the middle of the pen, I tried to regain my composure by taking a deep breath. I was so close to catching the turkey, hopefully it would get easier from here on out. But then I looked to my left and watched in horror as the turkey came right for me. Surely this wasn't an episode of _When Animals Attack_. Surely the turkey...wasn't about to peck my fucking eyes out.

"Shit! Fuck! Shitfuck!" I screamed as the turkey flew on top of me. "I've got the power!" I yelled as loud as I could. "I've got the power!"

This couldn't be happening. Surely this wasn't the way I was meant to die. Death by turkey? What kind of sick God would take my dear Renee from me by pigeons and then later in life have me suffer a death as brutal as being pecked to death by turkeys? And the ugly loser turkeys at that. Death by reject turkeys? The ones that no one wanted to stuff therefore were killed by hand and eaten for a holiday that I didn't give a shit about.

And then suddenly, everything stopped. It was quiet. I removed my hands from my face and opened one eye to see Carlisle standing over me, holding the reject turkey in one hand. A quick _snap _caught my attention and I was finally able to open both eyes.

"I guess that's one way to catch a turkey." Carlisle laughed, dropping the dead reject turkey on my stomach.

I immediately jumped to my feet, kicking the turkey as far away as possible, just in case that fucker decided to come back to life. You never know. Don't they always do the double tap in horror films, shooting the person twice just to make sure they are really dead? I wasn't sure what the protocol was with trying to snap a turkey's neck twice.

"You saved my life!" I screeched and then realized my voice was about ten octaves higher than Bella's. I cleared my throat as Carlisle patted me on the back.

"Since I killed both, you get the honor of hacking off both heads and plucking till they're smooth as a baby's bottom. You gotta pull your weight around here, Charlie."

Thirty minutes of hell later, I walked out of the barn a changed man. I had feathers coming out of every orifice. I was bleeding and sweaty and the innocence I once held had disappeared when I picked up the already bloody hatchet.

We drove in silence the entire way home as I went over how much therapy I was going to need after this whole ordeal. But the worst part was over. Now we could all relax and enjoy a nice Thanksgiving meal in peace.

**Back with Bella at casa de Swan...  
><strong>

I walked through the front door and was greeted by the braying laugh of Jane. I swear for such a petite woman she laughed like a damn donkey. She better be glad she had her looks.

"Hey guys," I called out, moseying into the kitchen. Jane turned to me and smiled before she wrinkled her nose.

"You smell like shit," she deadpanned causing Ms. Esme to giggle. I looked at the counter and noticed there was an empty bottle of wine and another one was already half way gone. Well, I see they decided to start this party early. I rolled my eyes at Jane, but got up anyway, I really did smell like shit, literally.

"Ugh, I know," I said moving towards the stairs, "Emmett thought it would be a good send off to make me shovel shit one last time," I said and muttered _asshole_ under my breath.

"I'll be back in a few to help. Good to see you Ms. Esme," I called over my shoulder before heading for the shower.

After a nice shower and a hazardous waste bag stuffed full of my clothes, I walked back into the kitchen. There was shit everywhere, all kinds of vegetables and fruits and breads and yummy goodness. I caught Jane as she said something about seeing Ms. Esme last week which made me wonder if they knew each other. So I asked.

"Sure I know Jane, dear." Ms. Esme smiled and took a sip of wine. "She comes into the bakery I run at least two to three times a week for cupcakes. I have no idea how she eats like that and stays so thin," she said, waving her hand in the general direction of Jane.

Jane looked over at me and smirked. Yeah, I didn't know how she stayed so skinny either, but I sure as fuck knew what sent her in there for cupcakes so often. We continued to chat and put together food for tomorrow so all we would need to do was stick everything in the oven. About an hour later a truck door slammed followed by a quick rap on the front door. I walked down the hall to see Edward looking sexy as fuck leaning against the door frame. I opened the door for him and he immediately pulled me flush against his body.

"Hey, you," he said, giving me a soft kiss before settling his hand on my ass.

"Hey yourself." I smiled.

"I saw my mom's car out front," he whispered. "So, Jane should be occupied for a little bit. You wanna hop in my truck for a quickie?" he asked playfully and pushed his hips against mine. And fuck yes I wanted to hop in his truck for a quickie.

"You know sex in the cab of a truck always sounds much more appealing in theory than it actually is," Jane said from behind me causing me to groan. I peeked up at Edward who looked like he was going to be sick, a look over my shoulder told me exactly why. Jane and Ms. Esme stood propped up on opposite sides of the kitchen doorway, each holding a glass of wine and a smirk. Just fucking kill me now. I buried my face in Edward's chest, not sure whether I should laugh or cry.

"Jane's right son," Ms. Esme added, and why the fuck not? Our humiliation was only just beginning. "I thought I raised you better than that." She sighed in a disappointed tone causing me to stiffen. I liked Ms. Esme, but Edward always treated me right. Cupcakes or not, I'd have to take her ass down.

"I mean," she continued, "what about Bella's needs, son? The front of your truck hardly allows for enough room to maneuver her properly for maximum pleasure." She giggled while Jane hit the floor unable to stand up as sobs of laughter shook her body. I wanted to die. Please, just kill me now. Snakes, pigeons, possums, turkeys, what the fuck ever else wanted in on that action, just don't make me stand here another second and endure this torture.

Edward looked like he was ready to bolt when we heard another car pull up in front of the house. Jane and Ms. Esme were still yucking it up so we both turned towards the front porch to see who was here. And for a brief moment the world stopped. I was no longer being humiliated by the devilish duo behind me, Edward wasn't the color of a tomato, and I wasn't ready to sacrifice myself to a hoard of killer animals. Because in front of me was a scene I never could have imagined.

Charlie climbed out of Carlisle's car looking like a broken man. His hair was sticking up all over his head, feathers were sticking out of various places, his hair, his shirt, I think some may even have been stuffed up his nose. The left side of his shirt had a long tear across the front and a dried trail of blood peeked out from the collar of his shirt. Carlisle stood on the other side of the car looking like he just walked out of Sunday morning church, not a hair out of place and a huge smile across his face. Without uttering a word I bolted for my room. There was no way in fucking hell I was going to miss getting this shit on film. It was fucking priceless.

I sucked in huge gulps of air as I skidded to a stop by the front door. Charlie still hadn't entered the house yet, but Jane had gathered her skinny ass off the floor and made her way out to the porch as well. And bless her, she really was trying to comfort Charlie, but the way her eyes continued to water let me know that at any minute she was going to lose her shit all over again. So I started snapping pictures one behind the other.

I snapped pictures of Ms. Esme trying to hide her smile behind her hand as Dr. C stood beside her silently shaking with laughter. Of Edward, who obviously didn't want to piss Charlie off, as he stood stoically on the porch, his entire face beet red from the restraint it was taking not to laugh. Then Jane, as she fussed over Charlie's cut and plucked feathers from his hair and various other locations all the while biting her lip harshly to hold her shit together. And finally poor Charlie, who looked beaten, battered and broken; by a fucking turkey. This whole fucking scene was just pure fucking excellence.

After Jane ushered Charlie upstairs, I helped Ms. Esme put everything in the fridge while the guys took care of the turkeys. I couldn't even look her in the eye after the whole truck cab conversation. Thank god Charlie was more of a freak than I was and took some of the attention off me and Edward.

After Edward gave me a chaste kiss goodbye, thanks to the nosy stares of his parents, I turned in for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a fucking disaster, I just knew it. _God, hi, it's me again. Tomorrow is kind of a big day for me, what with mine and Edward's parents having a holiday dinner together. If you could please keep Emmett in line and give me just a smidge of a filter tomorrow I would really appreciate it. Thanks. Amen._

A loud banging noise jolted me from sleep and onto the floor. I sleepily looked over at my clock and saw that it was just past nine in the morning. The banging started again, scaring the shit out of me. I jumped up and ran over to the window and immediately knew _who _was responsible for the banging when I noticed Emmett's car out front, now I just had to figure out _what_ that fucker was banging on.

I threw on some pants and made my way downstairs and out towards the back yard where the noises seemed to be coming from.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled at Emmett who had his back turned towards me.

"Chopping fire wood," he answered like it was the most logical thing in the world. I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me.

"I see that. What I want to know is _why_ you are doing it," I asked, stomping over beside him.

He cut his eyes over at me before his grin morphed into some freaky fucking leer causing me to take a step back. "Well, I see someone woke up perky this morning," he goaded wiggling his eyebrows at me before laughing in my face. _Sonofabitch._ I looked down and, damn it, I forgot to put on a fucking bra and it was cold as fuck out here this morning. I didn't even bother to respond, I just spun around and marched my ass back upstairs to dress fucking properly.

After my little peep show with Emmett I decided to head to the kitchen and see if I could round up some coffee. Obviously I wasn't firing on all cylinders this morning. Jane was perched on a bar stool wearing one of Charlie's t-shirts that came almost to her knees. Jesus that was cute and fucking disturbing all at once. This day was starting off exactly like I fucking expected. Awesome.

"So, your friend out there has decided we need a fire to have a proper Thanksgiving dinner," Jane said never taking her eyes off Emmett who was still outside whacking the shit out of some tree logs.

"I also thought you should know he's decided to deep fry his turkey instead of bake it like the other one," she said, finally looking over at me with one eyebrow raised. I choked on the sip of coffee I had just taken at the image of all the fucking things that could go wrong with Emmett doing either of those things.

"Why in the hell does he think we need a fire?" I asked, wiping the rest of the coffee from my mouth.

She shrugged. "Something about it isn't a true holiday in the south if you don't have shit burning in a fifty gallon drum. I don't know Bella, he's your friend," she said, shaking her head.

"And the turkey?" I asked.

"Cause he has a fucking death wish?" she asked me back. Sounded about fucking right to me. Did he even know how to do that shit?

"Fire extinguisher?" I asked looking around the kitchen

"By the back door," she said seriously and pointed at the back door causing me to laugh. Looks like she was already prepared for this crazy fucking day too.

After breakfast we started setting up the dining room and pulling out all of the plates and silverware we'd need. I noticed that she had pulled out several extra settings for some reason so I asked her why there were so many.

"Esme suggested it," she answered. "She seems to think there's a chance we'll end up with a few extra people for dinner." I didn't need to ask who, all I needed to do was pray they stayed at their own damn houses today. I was freaking out enough without the Apple Dumpling Gang showing up.

By noon Emmett had chopped down half a fucking forest, the Cullens had arrived, and everyone except me, Edward, and Emmett were half in the bag.

"What the hell is going on?" I whispered yelled to Edward as we watched on in horror as Jane and Ms. Esme bumped and grinded like they were in a fucking R Kelly video.

"I have no fucking clue," Edward said, his face screwed up like he was in actual pain.

The back door banged shut as Emmett came barreling towards us, his eyes wild and frightened. Now what the fuck had happened.

"Guys," he huffed, trying to catch his breath. "Your dads, have lost their fucking minds. They are out there," he said pointing to the back yard, "staring into each eyes and whisper singing that old nineties song about having the power," he said, waving his arms dramatically in the air. Edward and I looked at each other before doubling over with laughter. Fuck, if our parents kept up this shit I wouldn't need to worry about Emmett or me doing something stupid.

"Are they drinking?" Edward asked between laughs.

"Uh yeah, I think so," Emmett answered scratching his head.

"Then let those fuckers tango. The longer they harass each other, the less time they have to harass us," I said hopping out of my chair. Emmett looked over at me and smiled before throwing his arm over my shoulder.

"Come on then. Let's go burn some shit," he said, pulling me and Edward towards the back door. We had just got the fire going in the drum when I saw a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of my eye. I turned towards the side of the house and saw Rose poking her head around the corner like she was some kind of fucking spy or something. And so it begins. I waved her over, starting the count down until the others decided to make an appearance.

A huge grin spread across her face as she darted over to me and pulled me into a bear hug. Damn she was fucking strong. I think she noticed my face had turned red because she finally set me down.

"What I'd miss?" she asked excitedly, not even acknowledging Emmett or Edward.

"Not too much," I said casually. "Emmett chopped down a forest, Ms. Esme and Jane are working on their moves for the next _Girls Gone Wild_ video and Charlie and Dr. C are doing some weird mating dance and singing old nineties club music." I finished looking bored while Rose stood there gaping at me.

"You're joking," she breathed.

"Nope." I sighed. Cause really, I couldn't make this shit up.

"Fuck, I knew I should have faked diarrhea earlier." Rose pouted and actually stomped her foot. Wait...she should have faked _what?_

"I'm sorry, Rose, I'm going to need you to repeat that," I said seriously.

"Well, I had to figure out some way to get out of going to my cousin's house for Thanksgiving," she huffed. "So, I told my parents I had a killer case of diarrhea and unless they wanted to breathe sewage for the next several hours they better get a move on pronto." Behind me Edward and Emmett were holding onto each other laughing at her ridiculous ass. I gotta admit, that's some pretty creative shit right there.

"Rose, you are fucking insane and I love you," I said hugging her, because _fuck_ she was the first real girlfriend I'd ever had and I couldn't imagine finding anyone better.

"Not to interrupt this touching moment or anything," Emmett drawled, "but I'd like to fry my turkey now." I swear Rose's eyes got so huge they looked like they were about to pop out of her head.

"Looks like we got here just in time for the fun," Jasper said coming up beside Rose with his arm around Alice's shoulder. I rolled my eyes. Looks like the gangs all here.

"What excuse did you finally decide to go with?" Rose asked Alice. Hold the phone. These fuckers had been planning to crash my Thanksgiving? I opened my mouth to give them hell when Edward caught my eye and shook his head. I stared at him for a moment before he just shrugged and smiled at me. Fuck, I guess there could be worse things than friends faking bowel issues to spend the holidays with you.

"Yeast infection," Alice said out of the blue causing me to choke.

"What?" I sputtered trying to figure out what the fuck she was taking about.

"That was my excuse for getting out of going," she said while we all stared at her in disbelief. "Fuck you guys," she huffed crossing her arms over her chest, "I panicked at the last moment and forgot my excuse, then I noticed my mom was making bread, so yeah..." she trailed off looking embarrassed.

"I told my parents I got red-bugs from camping so I was gonna put clear finger nail polish on my balls and hang out naked in my room all day," Jasper said, completely taking the fucking attention off Alice because _what the fuck_ was he talking about.

A set of boisterous laughs from behind made us all jump and spin around only to see Charlie and Dr. C cackling like a couple of fucking hens. They each had an arm thrown over the others shoulder with a beer in each of their free hands. Looks like their bromance was still going strong.

"You kids," Dr. C sputtered, "come up with the craziest damn things I've ever heard," he crowed before taking a long pull off his beer and stumbling slightly. Holy shit, he was drunk. I looked over at the rest of the guys, who were standing there gaping at him. I guess Dr. C didn't usually get so hammered.

"Pffft," Charlie hiccuped, "Bella doesn't need to make any crazy shit up to get out of things," he slurred waving his beer bottle in the air, "the shit she does in real life is so much crazier than anything she could make up." And that was my fucking cue to get the fuck outta dodge before Charlie starting talking all kinds of shit about me.

"Okay guys, about that turkey-" I started only to be cut off by Emmett.

"Fuck yes, lets fry that bitch," he said excitedly already walking backwards towards the turkey fryer, that was entirely too close to the fifty gallon drum already burning if you asked me. With one last glance at Charlie and Dr. C as they stumbled over to the cooler, I grabbed Edward's hand and took off after Emmett.

"This is going to be awesome," Jasper said, smiling as he came up behind Rose who shot him a glare.

"Yeah! Let's just keep pretending like this isn't dangerous for all of us," she said, shaking her head. She was right too, there was a high probability 911 would be called before this day was over.

"Don't worry, you guys won't be implicated if this ends badly, I promise," Emmett said filling the fryer with oil. Edward chuckled beside me and snaked his arm around my waist pulling me closer. He leaned down and placed a kiss on my neck then whispered in my ear.

"Go get your camera, there's no way you're gonna want to miss this." He laughed pushing me towards the house. Oh hell yes, I absolutely wanted to have this shit on film.

On my way back from my room I detoured into the living room and pulled out our video camera, it never hurt to have video documentation if we needed proof intentional arson wasn't involved. As I passed the kitchen I heard Charlie and Dr. C chanting something that sounded strangely like 'chug' over and over again, but I waved it off. There was no way I heard them right.

I came out of the back door in time to see Emmett lifting the turkey off the table and moving towards the fryer of death. Rose looked up and as soon as she saw the video camera raced over to me and grabbed it from my hand.

"Fuck yeah." She laughed and flipped it on as we ran back over towards Emmett. Edward hooked an arm around my waist keeping me from getting any closer and shook his head no. I looked at him, confused about why in the fuck he was pulling me back when he suddenly leaned down to me.

"That shit," he said nodding towards the fryer, "is going to fucking explode. I'd rather keep your beautiful face just like it is if you don't mind," he said before kissing me on the lips. Butterflies exploded in my stomach and I suddenly forgot what I was doing out here in the first place.

"Shit!" Alice screamed falling back on her ass. I looked in time to see the turkey fryer launching flames of oil into the air. I whipped my camera up and hit the continuous button, I wanted every second of this shit. We all scrambled back as Emmett ducked and dodged the turkey's air assault. It looked like a tiny castle with hundreds of archers shooting flaming arrows everywhere.

"Emmett man, get the fuck back!" Edward shouted as the flames seemed to grow bigger.

"No fucking way man," Emmett yelled back, "this is my fucking turkey and I don't care if this ends badly. It _will_ be my fucking meal!"

We all watched mesmerized as he attempted to ease the turkey the rest of the way into the fryer, all the while looking like Neo from the Matrix as he attempted to not set his ass on fire. Just as the turkey was submerged in the oil and Emmett looked over at us with the biggest fucking grin I've ever seen, all hell broke loose.

The opening of the turkey seemed to suck the excess oil down inside of it before shooting it straight into the air like a fucking geyser. Of fire. Emmett screamed, like a little bitch might I add, before he turned and dove backwards like a stunt man in a Hollywood explosion scene. Everyone watched in horror as the oil reached the fifty gallon drum of burning firewood and caused the flames to explode up into the air.

We had just turned to run for our fucking lives when the back door of the house banged open and Ms. Esme came stumbling down the stairs wielding the fire extinguisher like a rocket launcher. She turned the nozzle to full blast, spraying white shit everywhere. It was all over the drum, the fryer...Emmett, just _everywhere_. It looked like it was fucking snowing. I never stopped taking pictures as we laughed our asses off as Ms. Esme totally pulled off an excellent Rambo impersonation. When the flames had died out she turned back to us and smiled drunkenly.

"Okay kids, that enough playing with fire for the day. Go wash up, dinner's ready!" She said cheerfully before dropping the fire extinguisher and waltzing back into the house like nothing happened.

"Your mom is badass," Alice said to Edward as she dusted leaves off the back of her jeans. Emmett, who was still on the ground, rolled over and stared longingly at the turkey he would never get to eat.

"Guess things ended badly," I joked scrolling through the couple hundred pictures I took. Jasper's loud peel of laughter pulled my attention away from my camera. I looked over to see him pointing and laughing at Emmett. As soon as I saw Emmett's face I started snapping pictures again. His eyebrows, were fucking gone. He looked like a fucking alien. He reached up to rub his face and grimaced at the smooth area above his eyes.

"I can fix that for ya if you want," Edward piped up. "Bella you've gotta Sharpie in your house somewhere don't ya?" he asked while the rest of us laughed at Emmett's dumb ass.

"Fuck you guys. I'm going to change, then I'm going to eat all of the fucking food in the house while you fuckers starve," he said flipping us off and walking to his car.

"Are you going home?" I asked, thinking we could eat before he got back.

"Hell no, I brought fat pants for after dinner. I guess I'll just go ahead and put them on now," he said, pulling a bag from his car. Dude really did plan on eating all of the fucking food apparently.

We made our way into the house to wash up then found our seats at the table where not one but _two_ turkeys sat. I looked over at Jane confused.

"As soon as Esme heard Emmett was going to fry his turkey she had Carlisle grab an extra one just in case," she said, grinning. Fuck she was wasted. I looked around at everyone at the table and realize that all of us were sober as fuck while the adults could barely keep from falling out of their seats. Well, this was going to fucking interesting.

We all dished out our food and chatted. Emmett's mood had greatly improved with the addition of a second turkey so he didn't even blink as we razzed him about his missing brows. It wasn't until Esme started talking that things became weird.

"Magnificent choices on the turkey. How'd it go yesterday, anyway? Y'all were gone for a while," Ms. Esme beamed at her husband who began choking on his food.

"It was fine. Great. The usual." Dr. C smiled and shoved a forkful of stuffing into his mouth.

"Carlisle was amazing, actually," Charlie piped up and poured himself his fifth glass, or bottle, of wine.

"He was?" Ms. Esme and Edward said simultaneously.

"Yep. If I ever have to do that again, I sure as hell know who I'm bringing with me!" Charlie laughed and Jane patted his arm before passing around the bowl of mashed potatoes. Emmett grabbed the bowl from her and kept it in front of him, bringing the spoon to his mouth.

"Sounds like y'all had a nice time bonding," Jane said and pried the bowl away from Emmett.

"Yeah. I think I'm still a bit traumatized from the whole thing but Carlisle took it all in stride. He was a natural." Charlie stopped himself before adding, "But I guess that would be normal seeing as how he kills turkeys all the time."

Edward, who had just taken a sip of his drink, immediately spewed it everywhere. Across the table. All over Charlie and Jane.

My first reaction wasn't to laugh. Okay, I'm lying. My first reaction was to totally fucking laugh. But Emmett beat me to it, laughing through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

"Holy shit! Did you see that?" Emmett yelled and turned as pieces of mashed potatoes flew all over Rose.

"Um. Edward? Wasn't that a bit rude?" Ms. Esme scolded Edward who was still in the midst of a giggle fit. Did the fucker smoke without me?

"What the f- what is your problem?" Alice elbowed Edward in the ribs. "Simmer down."

"I'm sorry. Really. I am. It's just..." Edward's giggle fit started again.

"Well, spit it out!" I said, a little annoyed.

"He already did," Jasper pointed out, causing Dr. C to laugh.

"Alright, alright. I think I know what's going on here," Dr. C suddenly said. "Charlie. I have a confession to make," he paused dramatically, "I'm not a turkey whisperer."

The table grew silent. And then Charlie spewed his wine out all over me, Edward and Alice. That dude's spit range was ridiculous.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Rose spit out. And when I say spit out, I don't mean liquid. I mean words. "Turkey whisperer?"

"It means that...yesterday was my first time killing a turkey. Or, I guess, _two_ turkeys since I had to save Charlie from being attacked by the turkey he was attempting to kill."

And that's when my giggle fit began. "Man, I wish you caught that on camera."

"So...so all of that talk about submitting and not letting the turkey sense my fear...and," Charlie began singing, "I've got the power...it was all bullshit?"

"Pretty much. Yeah," Carlisle said easily, turning up the bottle of wine beside of him.

"Why?" Charlie asked. "But...why?"

Carlisle let out a genuine laugh. "Why the hell not?"

"Like father, like son," Jasper added as Edward flipped him off.

I looked between the two of them, Charlie fuming and Dr. C smiling, and I was about to intervene when Charlie scooped up a handful of mashed potatoes and chunked them at Dr. C's face.

"Dad! You can't just-" and then my face was covered in gravy.

"That's for setting me up with the killer turkeys yesterday!" Charlie yelled through laughter.

I turned to Edward who was cracking the fuck up at my gravy covered face when his laughter came to an abrupt stop as cranberry sauce was flung at him. "What the fuck?" he yelled as Emmett pointed and laughed.

"That's for laughing at me pissing my pants!" Emmett laughed.

"You pissed your pants?" Jane asked with a grimace.

Edward stood from his chair and wiped his face with his napkin. "You already got me back, fucker, remember? When you gave Bella the permanent marker to defile my face with?"

"Oh." Emmett's face fell. "That's right. Well...if you're going to throw something at me, can it be the broccoli rice casserole down there? I didn't get a chance to try any of that yet."

Rosalie scooped the broccoli rice casserole that was on her plate into her hand and rubbed it all over Emmett's hair and face. "That's for laughing at _me _for pissing my pants!"

"What is it with you guys and pissing your pants?" Jane asked again, looking all too freaked the fuck out.

"It's all her fault!" Jasper screamed this time, pointing at me. There I sat in the middle of a war zone with five pairs of ravenous eyes staring at me. I looked to Dr. C for help but Ms. Esme was busy licking the mashed potatoes off his face. God, how fucking drunk were they? I looked at Jane who just shrugged and any help from Charlie was out of the question. He's the one who started this whole thing.

"Look. Guys. I know you're all pissed at me for your weak bladders. But think about what you're about to do! Is covering me in food really going to help? I mean...really?" I watched as they each grabbed a handful of food, ready to aim and fire. "Alice! Alice. You haven't peed your pants yet. A little help?"

"I did pee my pants, actually. The night you decided to throw yourself down the hill? Yeah, I pissed my pants from laughing so hard at your clumsy ass. Luckily everyone was so drunk they didn't really notice and I guess I didn't notice either, thanks to the moonshine, until the next day when I did the sniff test on my jeans."

And ew. Maybe the reason why Alice hardly ever spoke was because of her lack of a filter. Maybe that was something I should try out once in a while. Well fuck this, I wasn't going down without a fight. I grabbed the dish of sweet potato casserole and the biggest serving spoon I could find and just started unloading the shit on them.

It was on then. Everyone jumped to their feet and battled for dips, sauces, gravy, sides, I think I even saw a turkey leg fly across the table, until the entire fucking room and everyone one in it was covered in food. We laughed, shoved and, in Ms. Esme's case, licked each other until we all fell back into our chairs in a fit of giggles.

"Well.," Jane sighed before using her finger to scoop some cheese sauce off Charlie's forehead, "this was the best fucking Thanksgiving dinner I've ever attended." She nodded her head then stuck her cheese covered finger in her mouth.

All around the table people giggled out their agreements as Edward reached under the table and took my hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze. I looked over and smiled at him before leaning forward and pressing my food covered lips to his.

_I'm never having another holiday dinner without these fuckers again._

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><p><strong>AN- ... *side eyes readers*  
><strong>

**After all of the craziness in this chapter, pretty sure commentary from the peanut gallery isn't necessary. So *clears throat* we will just stick with- thanks for reading & hope y'all enjoyed this one. See y'all freaks next Tuesday :)  
><strong>


	14. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen<strong>

Cleaning up after a food fight was not nearly as fun as actually having a food fight. Once all the laughter had died down the adults promptly stood and informed us 'we cooked, you clean' before bolting and leaving us to deal with the mess.

"Don't even fucking think about it," I warned as I took in the faces around me. I knew these fuckers were going to try and bail on me and I wasn't having that shit, no freaking way. Collective groans around the table confirmed my suspicions as defeat settled in their expressions. Everyone stood from the table, food falling off our clothes and splattering to the floor causing me to grimace. Man this was going to fucking suck.

We all worked for about an hour before Edward's parents stumbled into the room and informed him they were ready to head home. Since mostly everything was done, I told everyone to get the hell out. I wanted a shower and my bed. This day had been fucking exhausting. Edward gave me a chaste kiss on the lips since his parents were giving us their full attention and promised to call me tomorrow.

Exhausted, I made my way up the stairs and into my shower. After washing my hair three times to remove all traces of gravy, I dragged my ass to my room falling face down into bed. Just as I was drifting off to sleep I heard a noise outside my window. I held my breath, thinking maybe I was hearing things when the noise happened again. Ah fuck, I can't deal with Old Lady Bits ghost right now, I'm fucking tired.

"Go away," I mumbled into my pillow hoping she would just go the fuck away and haunt someone else tonight. The noise happened again, only louder this time, causing me to raise my head up from the pillow. That was a little more aggressive than I was comfortable with. Maybe I should give her a little more of my attention before I get propelled out of my window. The next sound was a distinct rapping against my window, followed by a _'psst'_. I looked at my window and there was Edward, perched like a fucking bird in the oak tree outside of my house. Didn't that fucker know I was not a fan of birds?

Flinging the window open I raised an eyebrow at him and gestured with my hand for him to get the fuck in here. Shit, it was cold outside. He crawled in through the window like the creeper he was and shut it behind him.

"Hey." He smiled, walking over to me and wrapping his arms around my waist. I jumped back from him with a yelp because his hands were fucking freezing!

"Jesus fuck, Edward, you're like a fucking icicle," I whisper-yelled. He grinned and stalked towards me in a way that let me know he was up to no good and I was going to be the recipient of said no good...er, no good-ness? Fuck if I knew. I was snatched from my proper word pronouncement puzzlement by the same fucking cold hands that started this inane monologue in the first place.

"Fuck!" I squeaked as he slid his hands inside my underwear, cupping my ass.

"Guess you'll just have to warm me up, huh?" He laughed giving my ass a good squeeze. And maybe hands that felt like ice weren't so bad as long as they were down my pants.

"Umhumm." I nodded and stretched up on my toes to kiss him. He pulled me closer and started walking backwards towards my bed, kissing me and groping my ass. His knees hit the side of the bed and he fell back pulling me on top of him.

"Do you know how fucking perfect you feel against me?" he whispered, running his hand up my back. I moaned at the feel of his hands all over my body. He felt so fucking good.

"Wow, you're not wasting any time on this booty call, huh?" I joked breathlessly. "Going straight for the kill," I added, feeling his chest move as he laughed and kissed my neck at the same time.

"Fuck no. I haven't been able to touch you like I wanted all day, let me feel you baby," he said, tugging on the bottom of my shirt while biting the skin right above my collarbone. I almost came undone right then.

I lifted up so he could peel my shirt off and sighed when he pulled his own off and cupped by boob with his free hand. I pressed myself against him, loving the way my body felt when we were pressed together with no barriers between us.

"Edward," I groaned as the hand he still had down the back of my panties dipped lower, his finger slipping inside me. His arms tightened around me before he practically threw me off of him so that he could crawl on top of me. He pushed his hips against me, my whole body jerking at the contact of his rough jeans against just the thin layer of cotton of my panties.

"Stop teasing and fuck me already," I whined like the pathetic, horny girl I was. He let out a sound somewhere between a groan and a laugh before he was gone completely. The room was only lit by the small lamp beside my bed but it gave me a clear view of the boy in front of me. God, he was so fucking hot.

His jeans hit the floor with a thud followed by the tearing of the condom wrapper. He leaned over me, placing both of his forearms on either side of my head, his thumbs rubbing circles on my temples while his fingers massaged my hair. I looked up, meeting his eyes, and all of the breath stilled in my body. The way he was looking at me was so intense, I felt like I was being consumed by him.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine before pushing inside of me. Fuck me, it was sensory overload. His mouth, warm and wet against mine; his tongue, demanding and gentle at the same time; his skin, slick and hot sliding against mine. The feel of him inside of me, it was all too much.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, winding my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck as he moved against me whispering '_fuck_' and '_so good'_ and all kinds of other things that I could no longer hear. The roaring in my ears as my body tightened around him drowned out everything but the feel of his body against mine.

I cried out as my body pulsed over and over, causing Edward to stiffen, then groan as he followed behind me. His body collapsed on top of mine as his racing heart pounded against my chest. He lazily lifted his head smiling softly at me before whispering, "I'm so glad you're mine."

He placed a soft kiss on my lips then rolled off of me and strolled to the bathroom. I laid there panting and spent, my head spinning at the feelings coursing though my body.

Edward walked back into my room and grabbed his boxers and t-shirt before handing me my shirt and panties. We slipped our clothes back on and I crawled back under the covers as Edward made his way to the other side of the bed.

"What's this?" Edward asked grabbing my portfolio book and flipping it open.

"It's my portfolio. I submitted some of these this past summer when I applied for photography school," I said, sitting up so we were both leaning against my headboard.

He flipped through the pages grinning and laughing at some of the sillier ones I'd added since I had moved here. When he flipped to the last page my breath stilled in my chest. He picked up the pieces of paper and furrowed his brow as he read over the contents. I wasn't sure what to say, so I just sat there fidgeting with the edge of the comforter waiting for him to speak. He put my acceptance letter and the application for housing and stuff back into the book, closed it, and set it back on the floor. He was quiet for what felt like forever before he cleared his throat and looked over at me.

"So, New York, huh?" he asked casually like we were talking about the fucking weather. Why was he so casual? Did he not care? Did I want him to be pissed? No, no way did I want him to be pissed. Did I? What the fuck was wrong with me?

"Yep," was my brilliant reply. Fuck, I guess we were going to have this conversation at some point, might as well get it over with now. "What about you?" I asked since I had no idea what his plans were.

"Texas," he said, a small grin playing at the corner of his mouth. Why did I not know this? Texas? I thought for sure he would go to school somewhere close to here. I could tell he was excited about going to school there and for some reason it bothered me. I tried to shake the feeling off and quit acting like such a fucking girl.

"Do you know what you want to major in?" I asked, trying to ignore the tightening I felt in my chest.

"Architecture. They have an awesome fucking program there," he said, his entire face lighting up.

"That actually sounds really awesome," I admitted with a small smile because he looked so fucking happy, how could I not smile at that?

"Yeah, I'm excited," Edward trailed off, holding my gaze. "So, New York, huh?" he said again, nudging my shoulder.

"Home sweet home." I sighed, squirming under his gaze. "What?" I asked, leaning against his shoulder. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like," I motioned around his face as he laughed and grabbed my wrist, "that."

"It's nothing, I just..." Edward dropped my wrist and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. "I just assumed you weren't going back to New York, I guess."

"I mean, yeah, I always planned to go back to New York. I applied to school there before I even moved here..." I trailed off, suddenly wondering what exactly about New York I was in such a hurry to get back to. But I loved the city, right? Yes, loved it. Maybe. Fuck.

"Did you expect I'd stay in Intercourse forever?" I asked as I poked his side. "I assumed you were going to Auburn with Emmett and Rose."

"No," he shot a playful glare my way, "I didn't think you'd stay in Intercourse forever. God. I'd fucking hope not. I just thought...I don't know, that you'd want to see some place new?"

"Oh," I deadpanned. Then shrugged, ready to fucking end this conversation seeing as how I had nothing more to add to this topic. "It just makes sense to me."

Edward yawned and nodded at the same time, seemingly ready to drop this topic as well. "I'm pretty fucking tired, Pockets."

I smiled as he slid further down the bed, resting his head on my pillow. "Hey, where'd you park your truck?"

He patted the spot on the bed next to him. "Down the street, don't worry your dad wont see it."

"Oh, so you were assuming you'd stay the night?" I asked playfully, sliding in next to him. I felt his body shake with laughter and for a second, everything felt good. Easy.

"Of course I assumed I'd stay, " he whispered against my hair. "Where else would I go?"

He had me there. Edward fucking had me.

I burrowed into his side blocking out all of the bullshit about school and distances and not being with him everyday. Instead I focused on the feel of his body, the way his arms wrapped around me, and the way my head fit perfectly into his nook, like it was made for me; mine. I drifted off to sleep warm, comfortable, and just fucking content. It scared the shit out of me.

I felt the bed move and groggily cracked open an eye. The sky was tinged with a hint of pink, but it was still pretty dark so it had to really fucking early. The bed shifted again and I felt the sheet being pulled up to my shoulders and smoothed out. Just as I drifted back to sleep I felt warm breath on my temple and soft lips against my skin. A sleepy sigh escaped me as I heard Edward's voice right next to my ear.

"I'll see you later, baby," he whispered as blackness closed in again.

I stretched lazily, sweeping my arms across the width of the bed. I realized I was in bed alone and squinted my eyes as bright morning light flooded into my bedroom. I grabbed the pillow beside me and clutched it to my chest, before pressing my face into the material and inhaling deeply. I smelled faint traces of Edward's cologne that lingered on it, making me smile.

Deciding I should go ahead and get my ass out of bed, I dragged myself to my feet and shuffled to the bathroom. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, feeling slightly more human, I made my way to the kitchen following the scent of coffee. Jane and Charlie sat at the breakfast table, each holding onto their mugs like they were the keys to life. By the looks of their bloodshot eyes and haggard faces- they probably were. Which reminded me that these assholes left us to clean up all of the damn mess that they started yesterday. Well, Charlie did anyway; Jane was just guilty by association.

"Good morning," I sang loudly with a big fucking grin on my face that clearly said '_you're so fucked'_. They both winced before cutting their eyes towards me at the same time. I might have been slightly intimated if I didn't know for a fact I could outrun their hungover asses if they decided to attack.

"Maybe dial it back there just a little bit will ya, Bells?" Charlie asked while I grinned evilly at him.

"What's the matter, Charlie?" I asked while opening a cabinet door to grab a coffee mug. "You're not hungover are you?" Then I slammed the shit out of the door so hard I thought it would come off the hinges. Jane jumped a foot in the air, coffee spilling all over the table and floor as she yelped.

"Jesus Christ!" Charlie yelled then grabbed his head. Jane cut her eyes over to me then back to Charlie before standing and making her way out of the room. Just as she reached the doorway Charlie stopped her asking where she was going. The look she gave him would have set him on fire if it were possible.

"You started this shit with your gravy slap in Bella's face," she said, looking over to me. "I'm not going to be collateral damage in this mess." She turned and walked towards the basement, probably for a wake and bake while Charlie eyed me cautiously. I started opening and slamming cabinets back to back.

"Where's the sugar?" I yelled slamming a cabinet door. "Maybe it's over here," I said and slammed another door. I chanced a look at Charlie who looked like he was two seconds from falling over dead in the floor when the house phone rang. And oh my God it was loud. It was one of those old rotary phones and the ringing could be heard all over the house. Luckily for me it was hanging right here in the kitchen with me and dear old dad.

I set my mug on the counter and moseyed over to the phone snickering at the look on Charlie's face every time it rang. By the time I finally made it over to the phone whoever was calling had hung up. I looked over at Charlie and shrugged, oh well. Just as I picked up my mug the phone started ringing again and I couldn't stop the giggle that bubbled out of me.

Charlie had abandoned his cup and was clutching his head with both hands, he also looked a little green. Excellent. I grabbed the receiver before whoever was calling hung up and answered the phone.

"Swan residence, " I yelled, holding the phone away from my mouth. No need to injure an innocent bystander. A chuckle on the other end of the phone caused a smile to spread across my face, all thoughts of torturing Charlie forgotten for the moment.

"Hi," I said, leaning against the wall.

"Hey. You giving Charlie the business this morning?" he asked, a smile in his voice.

"Yep." I laughed.

"Good, that will make this as easy for you as it was for me this morning," he said with a chuckle.

"Make what easy?"

"Getting Charlie to let you go away for the weekend," he said excitedly. "Rose's cousin Sam, who goes to Auburn, just won ten tickets to the game tomorrow and he called and said we could have them and stay with him," he finished in one breath.

"Hey, Charlie," I screeched, wincing myself at the volume of my voice, I heard Edward mutter a quiet 'shit' on the phone making me laugh.

"Oh for the love of God Bella, knock it off would ya," Charlie pleaded, causing me to smirk. Perfect.

"Rose's cousin won tickets to the game in Auburn tomorrow and invited all of us to stay with him, you cool with that?" I asked, raising a brow at him. Telling me 'no' would not end well for him and from the look on his face he knew that shit too.

"Fine. Go. Quietly. Quickly." he whispered standing from the chair.

"Wow, that was kinda fucking awesome," I said into the phone as Edward rattled on about when, where, and any other w's I might have left out. He let me know he'd be over to pick me up later in the afternoon, then we'd drive over to Rose's and leave from there. We hung up and I sprinted up the stairs to shower and pack, this was going to be awesome.

After he picked me up we drove over to Rose's house. We decided to take her parents SUV since it could fit the six of us. The downside to that was we had to keep the windows down when we smoked. Weed, not cigarettes. Edward's little stunt with taking all the packs down from his store got the message across loud and fucking clear. It was fucking freezing and the sun had already set by the time we got on the road.

It was going to take around three and a half hours to get to Auburn, but with the munchies sure to kick in, we could add at least another hour to that shit. It'd be pretty late once we got there so the plan was to just chill tonight then tailgate and go to the game tomorrow.

Once we finally arrived in Auburn we hunkered down in Taco Bell for a good hour, shoving our faces with the amazing awfulness that is pseudo-meat, refried beans and cheese, cheese, cheese. After we were all sufficiently on the verge of puking, we decided it was time to head over to Sam's apartment. Or, that is, after Emmett ran back inside Taco Bell to order three orders of Cinnamon Twists. For himself.

The sleeping arrangements were pretty shitty, seeing as how Sam lived in a small, two bedroom apartment. Luckily his roommate, who was apparently "pussy whipped to his heart's content," usually stayed at his girlfriend's apartment, so Rose and Emmett set up in his room while Alice, Jasper, Edward, and myself took over the living room. Alice and Jasper shared the couch since they're both mini-people anyway, and Edward took over the manly task of setting up an air mattress for us to sleep on. Except Sam didn't know where the fucking motor was, which was just our luck. Apparently, all of the smoking we'd done in the past, well, forever, didn't really seem to help with our situation of blowing up the mattress. Ten minutes and a dozen 'Edward, I thought you blew better than that' comments from Emmett, we decided to fuck it and just throw a few blankets on the floor and call it a night.

It didn't matter that I was sleeping on a dirty ass floor that smelled like stale beer and cigarettes. Edward pulled me into his nook and I snuggled into his side, feeling sleep taking over before I could even whisper goodnight. Not going to lie, sleeping on the floor did fucking suck, but Edward's breath against my neck seemed to make it all better.

We were woken up bright and early thanks to Emmett and Sam running around the apartment screaming to let us know it was game day. As if we didn't already fucking know. They yelled out that they were leaving to go get more beer and slammed the door behind them.

"Wake up, Pockets," Edward mumbled with a sleepy yawn. He opened one eye and looked over at me, instantly smiling. "Game day."

"Yeah, I heard." I laughed, peeking over to see that Alice and Jasper were still passed the fuck out.

"I'm glad your dad let you come," he whispered and I felt his hand snake over my hip underneath the blanket. "Shit's gonna get crazy today and I really like having you around."

"I like that you really like having me around," I joked but was secretly pleased with his little admittance. Especially since he was blushing. Or maybe it was just carpet burn because we had somehow tossed and turned so much that the pillows were no longer under our heads and we were lying directly on the carpet.

Edward smiled and pulled me so I was lying on top of him. I kissed him once, twice, then deepened it as he groaned against my mouth. His hands traveled over my ass and I pushed my hips against his, not wanting to stop.

"Shit," he murmured against my neck. I shivered at the contact. "We should get up," he said, giving my ass a squeeze.

"You're already up," I quipped with a grin.

"Good point," Edward groaned again as I rolled off of him. No need to start something we can't finish. He covered his face with his arm as I stood to my feet, laughing as he adjusted himself. One of those times when I was glad I wasn't a guy.

Not even two minutes later, Emmett and Sam busted in the doors with two cases of beer and a handle of Everclear. I exchanged a glance with Edward and gulped. Nothing good could come from this, that much was certain. But fuck if I was going to turn down Everclear.

I used Sam's bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth only to walk back into the living room to find Alice bonging a beer and Rose lighting a joint. Well, shit. That's one way to wake yourself up. I accepted the joint she offered and appreciated the beer Edward handed to me after hitting that shit.

"So, what's the plan for today?" Rose asked Sam as she took a long pull of the joint.

"Well, some friends of mine are tailgating over on frat row, but I was thinking maybe we could do a little tailgate crashing first, get some free shit," he explained, taking the joint from Rose.

"What the fuck is tailgate crashing?" I asked as everyone snickered around me. High motherfuckers.

"You go from tailgate to tailgate pretending you know someone there or if they are wearing a jersey, strike up a conversation about the player. Once you get them going, next thing you know you've got shots and beers being passed around to everyone. It's always easier to do with chicks cause there's nothing these old fat fuckers love more than staring at some hot chick's tits." He laughed. Oh my God, this guy was going to exploit my boobs for free booze.

"Will there be food, too?" I asked because the munchies were starting to kick in and if I was going to have old fat fuckers staring at my goods the least they could do was share some wings with me. Edward chuckled beside me and threw his arm around my shoulders.

"Yes, Bella, there will be food. Your goods will get you plenty of beer and wings." He laughed squeezing me to his side. What the fuck? I looked over at him and opened and closed my mouth a couple of times trying to...ah fuck. That again? I had been doing so good, too! Edward stared at me for a beat before Alice started cracking up and shaking her head.

"God, I've missed that," she cried, wiping a fake tear from under her eye.

"Am I missing something?" Sam asked staring at all of us in confusion.

"Bella has this really cool habit of saying shit out loud that she only meant to say in her head. It can be really fucking entertaining," Jasper chuckled, settling his back against the couch.

"You know, sometimes I really hate you assholes," I pouted. It wasn't my fault my birth defect happened to be being born without a verbal filter.

"Lies, all lies," Rose sang, bumping my shoulder with hers. "You love us, don't even try and deny it," she said, smiling as she passed me the joint again. I sighed dramatically.

"Fine, I love you all. Before you guys my life was like a moonless night; very dark. But then you guys shot across my sky like a meteor giving light in my life," I finished, looking around at everyone because the room had grown completely silent.

"What the fuck are you talking about over there Bella?" Emmett asked, his face contorted with confusion and possibly a little bit of disgust. "Because that has to be the gayest shit I have ever heard in my life," he finished, then shuddered comically to add a little flare to his over dramatic ass. Fucker.

I looked over at Edward, hoping he would give me a little support, only to be met with wide eyes and a slack jaw. I huffed at him, narrowing my eyes which seemed to snap him out of whatever kind of daze he was in. He looked from my face to my hand where I was still holding the joint and snatched it from my fingers.

"Hey!" I protested, trying to grab it back.

"Nu uh," he said, shaking his head and holding his hand high above his head. "This shit is making you weirder than usual and we have a long day ahead of us. I don't want to have to call Charlie and have him fax over a copy of your psychiatric evaluation to prove you didn't escape from the fucking crazy house," he said seriously. And I was _seriously _about to kick his ass. I looked over to Rose who was smiling widely as she shook her head 'no' as well. Well, fuck me.

I stood and put my hands on my hips. "Fine, you fuckers. I'm going to finish getting ready to go. I didn't know you guys couldn't handle a little sappy expression of love but whatever." I turned and stomped off, not really nearly as pissed as I was pretending to be cause, really, what the fuck was I saying a few minutes ago.

"Hey, wait up," Edward called, jogging up behind me. I kept my back to him with my arms crossed over my chest playing up the part of the wounded party. He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me against him tightening his arms. He leaned down and kissed my neck before turning me slightly so he could look at my face.

"You know I'm fucking with you, right?" he asked, ginning. I tried to keep a straight face, but he was just too fucking cute. A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth causing him to chuckle and kiss me on the lips. He pulled back. "You can smoke all you want, but if you start saying shit like that again I might have to call the white coats myself," he said before releasing me and giving me a smack on the ass.

"Now go get ready. We've got some tailgates to crash," he said before turning and walking back towards the living room. I stood there a second watching the way his jeans hung low on his hips and the material of his shirt stretched across his back when his arms moved. Jesus fucking Christ he was fucking sinful.

"Stop checking out my ass and go get ready." He laughed as my eyes snapped to his. He had stopped walking and turned to look at me with a smirk on his face. I just smiled sweetly and turned away, walking to the back bedroom. I peeked over my shoulder and caught him leering at me. I laughed and nodded my head as he looked up at me sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders. Check mate sucker.

We all made ourselves a nice, strong drink before tagging along with Sam to a few tailgates to get ourselves, as he liked to put it, some 'free shit'. He was fucking right though; there were old fat fuckers, booze and wings. God, were there wings. The old fat fuckers were willingly handing out their booze just to see a few cute girls standing near their tailgate. One of the fattest fucker in particular hobbled over to me and handed me an Auburn shirt, asking if I'd wear it. And why the hell not? I pulled it on over the shirt I was already wearing and heard Edward laughing as he pouted and asked the man why he didn't get one.

Rose apparently knew a few people at different tailgates which made it easier for us to blend in. But really, at this point, I didn't give a shit if we blended or not. I had started walking to nearby tailgates, throwing the best of their food onto my plate. Edward tagged along behind me with his amused little face.

An hour before the game, Sam tried to round us all together so we could make our way into the stadium. But apparently Alice and Jasper were in a very heated game of Washers with another couple, so we all drank a little more and cheered them on before stumbling to the stadium.

Somehow, we found our seats, used the bathroom and grabbed a drink from the concession to spike all before kickoff. Apparently, being wasted made us all very good at managing our time. Or something like that.

Halfway though the the third quarter fans were starting to leave the stadium. It's no wonder- Bama pretty much had the Auburn players bent over fucking them in the ass. It was fucking awful. I wanted to run to Walgreens and buy every tube of lube in sight just to make the ass raping a little less painful.

"I gotta pee," I slurred, swaying a little in my seat. I knew I shouldn't have taken that last shot of Everclear.

"Well, Edward should be back in a sec and he can walk with you," Emmett said, looking like someone ate Esme's last cupcake in front of him. Poor bastard looked traumatized from the ass whooping Auburn was getting.

"I can't hold it," I whined, crossing my legs. "And I really don't want to piss my pants in front of all these people. I'll end up on Tosh.O or something when some asshole records me on their fucking camera phone."

"Alright." Emmett sighed before standing and falling back on his ass. He started laughing as he tried to stand again only to lose his balance and fall into the guy in front of him. Oops.

"Hey, watch it asshole," the douchebag said. I noticed he was a Bama fan and decided to be a good little Auburn supporter and act like an asshole myself.

"Don't worry about this guy Em," I said offhandedly, "he's riding the crimson tide." I laughed as the douche bags eyes narrowed at me. Emmett finally got his balance and stood up to his full height, puffing his chest out a little like the proud peacock I know and love. The guys eyes widened when he noticed how fucking big Emmett was and promptly turned the fuck around. Pussy.

"Let's roll, Bella," Emmett said letting the others know we'd be right back, before we both stumbled out into the aisle. We made our way up the stairs, steadying each other and grabbing onto the handrails to keep from rolling down the fucking bleachers and ending up on the fucking jumbo-tron.

We passed a couple of Bama fans who made some smart ass comments about Auburn fans not being able to cope with being on the bottom. I flipped them off, staring at the fat girl laughing her ass off as she stuffed pizza and a hot dog in her mouth at the same time. Disgusting yet impressive.

"Holy shit, Emmett!" I yelled with fake excitement. "I didn't know they let the Bama mascot loose in the general public. Hope there are no mice running around or Dumbo over here is gonna bring the house down." Bitch wasn't laughing anymore. She also looked really fucking scary with ketchup smeared across her chin and the side of her mouth. Like that hot dog was alive when she started eating it.

Emmett tugged on my arm, obviously thinking the same thing as me and we made our way to the bathroom.

"Okay, you go do your thing and I'll meet you back here when you're done," he said, eyeing the concession stand. I used my hand to steady me against the wall as I moved to get in line for the bathroom. Jesus, I might piss my pants after all if these bitches didn't get a move on. A couple of girls moved behind me obviously as drunk as I was by their slurring.

"Like, how fucking sad is it to be wearing an Auburn shirt right now," whore number one said.

"Like, I know, like, I'd totally off myself right now," whore number two agreed. These bitches were gettin' on my nerves.

"Hey you, Aubie girl," whore number one said. I had a feeling they were talking to me, but I refused to look. I'd hate to have to pussy punch one of these fuckers before I even get the chance to pee. The line thankfully moved and I rushed into the bathroom stall hearing angels sing from sweet, sweet relief. I finished up and went to the sink to wash my hands where whore number two stood leaning against the counter top.

She cut her eyes to me making a big show of giving me the once over before rolling her eyes. _God, please give me the strength to refrain from fucking this bitch up in a public restroom._

I turned to leave when I heard her mumble 'fucking loser' under her breath. I drew in a deep breath trying to center myself before promptly beating her ass. Just as I started to turn I noticed a big box of tampons shoved over in the corner. I felt my lips curve into a smile as an idea came into my evil dirty mind.

I bent down to tie my shoe, watching as the whores sauntered out of the bathroom. I snatched up the box of tampons and followed them out. I looked over and saw Emmett leaning against the wall shoving a whole slice of pizza in his mouth. Damn that boy could fucking eat. I caught his eye and nodded for him to follow me. He looked down at my hands then in the direction I had nodded spotting the two Bama fans. A huge smile broke across his face as he flung the pizza box in the trash and ran over to me.

"What trouble are you about to get us into," he asked, rubbing his hands together.

"Those two Bama fans were kinda fucking with me, I just thought I'd return the favor." I laughed and started following behind the girls. I noticed that even some of the Bama fans were looking at the two girls with disgust and maybe a bit of embarrassment too. Ah don't feel to bad guys, I saw some Auburn fans today that made me want to crawl in a hole. Looks like every team has shitty fans.

I pulled out a tampon and lobbed it at the girls, hitting whore number two in the shoulder. She turned and looked around as I pulled the box behind my back. I didn't want them to know just yet. She looked on the ground, her eyes widening as she realized she got smacked with a tampon. Her friend pulled her arm trying to get her to follow her. As soon as she turned around, I threw another tampon hitting the other girl this time. She turned around her eyes narrowing at the tampon then sweeping across the concourse.

Emmett was shaking with laughter beside of me causing me to crack a grin. He reached in the box and grabbed a handful of tampons before winking at me. Just as he launched them in the air I yelled, "Hey whore one and whore two!". Both girls turned towards me which didn't surprise me in the least. A couple of people had turned to see what was going on as we stared each other down.

"Don't you bitches know better than to walk around unplugged when you're riding the crimson tide?" I asked, causing a few people to bark out laughs.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Whore number one asked looking around nervously.

"I mean I'm all about team spirit and all, but being on the rag and not using anything cause you think having crimson panties is showing support is just fucking nasty. Now plug that shit up!" I screamed as Emmett and I flung handfuls of tampons at them. Both girls covered there faces as we assaulted them with tampons and both Auburn and Bama fans stood around us, some laughing, some in shock, others eying the girls crotches. It was fucking awesome. Until there was a hand on my shoulder, and I was being pulled towards the exit along with Emmett. Oops, looked like we were leaving the game a bit early.

Wanting to go out with a bang I screamed, "GO War Eagles!" at the top of my lungs, earning whoops and cheers all around. That's more like it. After security promptly threw us out on our asses, Emmett texted Rose to let her know there was an incident and he had been escorted out of the stadium. She let him know she was rounding up the guys and they would meet us in a few.

We stood there laughing at the looks on the girls faces and the reaction of the people around them as we waiting for everyone. Edward rushed up to me pulling me to his chest and giving me a hug.

"What the hell happened?" he asked looking over my face. " Are you okay?" I smiled at him and nodded my head before Emmett cut in retelling our aerial assault. By the time he was done Edward was holding on to Jasper as they both panted trying to catch their breath from laughing. He looked over at me smiling widely before kissing me on the lips, hard. It was hot. I wanted to do it some more.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked, playfully tugging on my hair.

"Keep me?" I asked back leaning into him.

"Abso-fucking-lutely," he said with a quick nod of his head and a smile on his face. We decided to head on over Sam's frat house since the game would be letting out in a couple of minutes anyway and get a head start on the drinking.

The next couple of hours went by in a blur. There were Jell-O shots, keg stands, vomit, hook-ups that would never have happened without the influence of alcohol or a brown paper bag, and several people running around in togas for some fucking reason. Everyone had split up, doing their own thing which is how Edward and I had somehow managed to get ourselves into a game of beer pong.

"You're, like, extremely good at beer pong," I mused out loud, watching the way Edward tightened his jaw in concentration and the way his bicep slightly flexed as he held the ping pong ball out and away from him.

"I have to be," he said shortly before aiming and tossing the ball into the red Solo cup that sat by itself. Fuck, that was a good shot.

"You have to be?" I slurred and flipped off the poor fucker with the overbite as he removed the ping pong ball from the cup and chugged the remaining beer. "Why do you _have _to be?" I asked, completely ignoring the ping pong ball tossed at me, hitting my shoulder.

Edward glared across the table, leaned over to pick up the ping pong ball and dunked it in the cup of water on the table. "I have to be because my partner is a little drunk therefore she kind of sucks at beer pong right now."

"What!" I screeched, snatching the ball from his hand. I rolled my eyes as the second guy across the table, the one with neck acne, made the ping pong ball into one of the cups. "You know nothing! I have to be drunk to play a good game of beer pong." Edward wasn't buying it. "Look. I know I missed the first two shots, but I'm about to blow your mind."

"Oh really?" Edward quirked an eyebrow as he pulled the cup away from the table and chugged. He placed both hands on my hips and stood behind me as I focused on the game in front of me.

"Not that I don't love the way you feel behind me, but," I pointed out, "if you want to win, you're going to have to stop distracting me like this."

"Fine," he pouted and stepped next to me as I missed the next shot. I blame that on the way his dick brushed against me before he stepped away.

"Warming up," I explained as he laughed next to me.

"I'm just giving you a hard time, Pockets," he said out of the corner of his mouth as he tossed the ping pong ball with an arch, making another cup.

"Mad skills," I joked and felt the ping pong ball hit my shoulder again. I looked across the table at the two fuckers laughing and was about to say something when Edward spoke up.

"Hey, fuckers. Cut that shit out," he snapped.

"Just playing the game," Overbite said in a sarcastic tone.

"No, you're not," Edward disagreed. "You're fucking aiming the ball to go down her shirt. That's not the fucking game."

"Chill, dude. We're aiming for the cup she's holding in her hand," Nacne spat, giving me a once over. I flipped him off, causing him to laugh.

"Well then your aim is fucking shit because every time you toss that ball, you're not aiming for her cup," Edward said loudly. I turned my focus to him and noticed the way his nostrils slightly flared and realized he was actually fucking angry. And jealous. And hot. Above all, he was hot.

"House rules. If we make the cup she's holding, y'all have to chug all of the remaining beers," Overbite explained and then ordered us to rearrange their cups.

"Then fucking aim for her cup and not her tits," Edward spat as he arranged the cups on our side of the table into a diamond shape.

I set my beer on the table and actually made one of the cups as did Edward. He gave me a little fist bump and I laughed before noticing some skank hanging around the table, eye fucking the shit out of him. In the midst of shrugging off the skank, I felt the ping pong ball hit my collar bone. Fuckers were obviously aiming the ball to go down my shirt.

"She wasn't even holding her cup that time, you fucking pricks," Edward fumed for me. I wasn't sure if I appreciated this jealous side or was annoyed. Aw, screw it. I fucking appreciated it. It was nice having him stand up for me.

"Hey, chill bro," Overbite said coolly, getting his stance ready to shoot.

"Don't 'bro' him!" I yelled this time, feeling the shots from fifteen minutes ago and I guess the entire night finally catching up to me. "And you!" I pointed at the skank next to the table. "Stop eye fucking him. He's not yours to eye fuck! Only I fuck him," I said with attitude.

"What?" she asked, propping her hand on her hip. "You just said not to eye fuck him then said 'only eye fuck him'."

"Oh my fucking God. And she's stupid, too. Surprise, surprise." I laughed and realized there was a nice group around us watching the show. Well, shit. Rose did a jerking off motion with her hand and I busted out laughing.

Edward tugged on my elbow before whispering in my ear, "Maybe we should go outside and take a breather, Pockets."

I looked over at Rose and pointed to the door, letting her know we'd be outside. She rolled her eyes and nodded as Edward and I walked towards the door.

As the cool air hit us, I immediately felt better. Okay, not _better_, but maybe more alert. Still fucking drunk, that was for sure. I followed Edward as he made his way to the corner of the porch that wasn't lit. He hopped on the railing and pulled my arm to stand between his thighs.

"Shit," he mumbled to himself. "I got kind of crazy in there, huh? Sorry."

"What?" I laughed. "I mean...okay, you were a little angry, but those dudes were assholes."

"Yeah. Assholes," he agreed before silencing himself.

I watched as he cleared his throat and looked down, squeezing my body with his thighs. He finally looked up and gave me a small smile, which I returned.

"I don't know..." he trailed off, bringing one of his hands to the back of my neck. "I think I went a little crazy cause I was just thinking about you being off in New York with fuckers like those guys."

"Don't worry. Nacne has nothin' on you," I promised with a slight chuckle.

"Nacne?" he asked in confusion.

"Yeah, the dude with neck acne? Nacne."

Edward's brow furrowed before he realized what I was saying. "You're kind of a freak, Pockets."

"Yeah, but that's why you love me."

A huge grin spread over Edward's face and I gave him an odd look as he whispered, "Oh, do I, now?"

"Do you what?" I asked.

"You just said that I love you," he explained, grin still intact as I replayed the words I had said just moments ago, and fuck. I did say that, didn't I?

"I just meant...you know. I meant, that's why you _like _me. Obviously I didn't mean _love _love. It's just, like, one of those things people say...and...you know," I rambled, trying to recover from my slip up. Why the fuck had I said that?

Edward's gaze lingered for a beat too long as he swallowed and brought his lips to mine. I tangled my fingers through the back of his hair before moaning into his mouth. Edward pulled back, then placed his lips close to my ear and whispered, "You ready to get out of here? I'm kind of tired of every girl eye fucking me," he joked.

"Shut up," I said playfully, slapping his chest.

"Hey, no, that was funny. I like that you claimed me as your own in front of a bunch of drunk idiots," he said seriously.

"Well, you know. I felt it was necessary since I threatened to pussy punch someone back in Intercourse. Just staying true to myself," I teased.

"Definitely. That's so important. And I wouldn't have been upset if you claimed my junk again. Really show 'em, you know?" Edward tried to keep a straight face, and did for about ten seconds.

"We really are freaks," I mused, grabbing his junk with a smirk. "We should never be allowed in public."

"Fine with me," he groaned, moving his hips. "C'mon. Let's go round up the crew so we can get the fuck out of here," he said, placing a hard kiss on my lips.

We walked back inside the house, finding Rose in the midst of a keg stand and Emmett egging her on. I wasn't the least bit surprised. It was her thing and fuck, she was good at it.

I gave her ass a slap and leaned down to face her. "Once you're done deep throating the keg we'd like to get the fuck outta here."

Rose began laughing, spewing beer all over the floor as Emmett released her legs so she was standing upright.

The four of us stood on the sidewalk outside the frat house waiting on Sam to round up whatever girl he was fucking for the night. Edward and I watched in amusement as Rose attempted over and over again to crawl onto Emmett's back before falling into the grass. They were crazy fuckers and something began to creep into the pit of my stomach. I shook it off as Edward's cool fingers wrapped around my hand.

"Where the hell are Alice and Jasper?" I asked, realizing I hadn't seen them in a couple of hours.

"Uh," Edward started, cupping his neck and looking over the front yard.

"What the fuck is that?" Emmett asked looking up into the tree. It looked like...a foot, maybe? Edward picked up a half empty beer can and chunked it up into the tree causing someone to squeal.

"There they are." Edward shook with laughter. "Jasper's the only bitch who squeals like that."

Alice's head poked out from behind a tree branch, a huge smile on her face. "What's up, guys?" she laughed.

"Well you are, obviously," I laughed shaking my head. After a couple of seconds of shuffling and leaves randomly falling Alice landed on the ground with a thud. We all laughed as Emmett grabbed her hand and hoisted her to her feet. We all looked up waiting for Jasper to follow her, but the foot was still in the same place, dangling there.

"What's going on with Jasper?" Edward asked looking around him. He spotted whatever he was looking for and walked a few feet away before snatching up another beer can. Ah, Jasper's bout to get nailed again.

Before Alice could answer, Edward flung the can at Jasper and like slow motion the foot disappeared and then reappeared as Jasper rolled off of the limb and straight to the ground. Wearing a toga, and nothing else. Well we all knew now he really didn't have red bugs.

We were collectively silent for about ten seconds before every single one of us began choking on our laughter. Rose, who was still on the ground, began screaming, shielding her eyes and scrambling to her feet.

"Fuck Jasper, I know you don't wanna piss in your pants, but you didn't have to take the fuckers off!"

Jasper grinned and said, "Nothin' like free ballin'," to which Emmett fist bumped him, punched his arm then yelled "Can I get an 'Amen!'."

It was Emmett's turn to get punched in the arm, by Rose.

"Let's roll fuckers," Sam said, walking towards his apartment.

Edward and I walked behind the group in silence, taking our time. His shoulder bumped against mine a few times as I replayed the night's events and how Edward was worried about me being off in New York.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked quietly, smiling at Jasper hopping on Emmett's back.

What was I thinking about? I was thinking a lot of shit. Like how I hated the way every single slut eye fucked Edward tonight, and how possessive he was over me and how I fucking slipped up and said that he loved me already and how, in a few months time, I'd be missing all of these crazy fuckers while I'm in New York.

But did I lay all of this on Edward? Hell no. Instead, I gave him a lazy smile and said, "I'm thinking I want a piggy back ride."

Edward kissed my cheek before leaning over to make it easy for me to hop on. He hoisted me up on his back, wrapping his hands under me knees and giving them a tight squeeze. I wrapped my arms around his neck leaning down and biting his ear softly before placing a kiss right beneath it. I left my face resting against the side of his neck breathing him in.

I wouldn't worry about all of this shit now because it seemed silly. We still had time.

_I'm never gonna want a piggy back ride from anyone else again._

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><p><strong><em><em>A/N**

**Hiiiii. Huge thanks to left1215 for beta-ing this for us. Also we'd like to thank, haha that totally sounded like an acceptance speech,*rolls eyes at self* ANYWAY.. Kassiah for her shout out over on Fictionators, and Francis over on the Twilight FB rec page, and anyone else who has rec'd this insanity and, and, and, the shit ton of new readers that flooded in because of it! You guys rock, for reals. We also posted all of the outtakes on our profile page so go check them out of you haven't already! And lastly, *side eyes Meg* see what happens when you leave me to do this shit by myself? Yap, yap, yap. Lastly, jfc, we'll be posting an outtake sometime this week from EPOV, when he was getting ready for their smexy times, you can thank Kassiah for that little nugget! Okay I'm done. Thanks for reading, See you next Tuesday!**


	15. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen<strong>

"Morning Bella!" Jane sang bouncing onto my bed. Ugh. You know how people like to say couples who have only one child are depriving the child? Yeah, they're full of shit. If having a sibling means I have to be woken up at an ungodly hour by the entirely too chipper voice of another person then please, by all means, deprive away.

I pulled the pillow over my face hoping if I could just block her out she would eventually give up and go away. I felt the bed shift as Jane stretched out beside me and then a tiny sliver of light came into view as she lifted the edge of the pillow.

"I made coffee," she whispered with a grin on her face, "I also may have just pulled some cinnamon rolls out of the oven," she said with a bounce. Ah, now we're talking, nothing like reaping the benefits of a wake and bake. I flung the pillow off my head and rolled off the side of my bed.

"I'll meet you down there," she said and turned to leave my room. I headed towards my bathroom smiling at how fucking happy I was to see this other side of Charlie. Ever since Thanksgiving, Jane had started staying over more and more and little things like her coffee mug in the sink and her shoes by the front door were becoming a normal thing these days.

It was weird because when I really thought about it, Jane wasn't that much older than me. I mean she was thirty, but she had this motherly vibe going on while still being cool as shit. It was weird but it fucking suited her perfectly. She suited Charlie perfectly and, if I'm being honest, it was really fucking cool having her around. Plus her munchies kept me fed, so there was always that, too.

I walked into the kitchen where Jane and Charlie were leaning against the counter, his arm was around her waist as she grinned up at him. It was kinda fucking sickening in an _oh my God they're so fucking cute_ kinda way.

"So are you ready for the rest of your finals?" Charlie asked, sipping his coffee.

"Yeah," I sighed. Anything that had to do with school these days made me a little emo. Ever since the trip down to Auburn a few weeks ago, any time school was brought up all I could think about was what would happen at the end of May. Edward, chill as fucking ever, didn't seem to think anything of the distance, he just kept saying that everything was going to be okay and we'd work something out.

Shaking my head I scarfed down a couple of cinnamon rolls and a cup of coffee then ran upstairs to finish getting ready for school. It was the last day of school before Christmas break. I had to laugh at all of the fuckers who complained about having to take finals for an entire week. Seriously? It's fucking high school. If you at least spend fifteen minutes in a class, you'll know all you need to know for the final.

Edward picked me up for school a little later and after some heavy petting and a little wake and bake of our own, we made our way to school. I was standing in the hall with the gang, fucking around and about to head to class when Emmett walked over to us wearing a Santa costume. And cue the fucking laughter.

"Looky here. Ho, ho and ho," Emmett joked, nodding towards me, Alice and Rose. And, really, he deserved the multiple smacks we supplied him with.

"Why, Emmett? Why?" I asked because apparently no one else seemed surprised that he was dressed in a white beard and fake belly.

"Every year I'm the Secret Santa," he explained in a _duh _tone.

"Yeah, Emmett used to wear it for the entire last week of school, but last year everyone voted for him to only wear it on the last day of finals," Edward said, fighting back laughter. "One can only handle so much Christmas spirit."

"He spilled queso on the suit last year but refused to take it off to wash it because he was afraid we were going to burn it," Alice added with a snort.

Emmett laughed sarcastically. "Man, fuck y'all, this suit is legit as shit."

"That's not a very Santa thing to say, now is it?" I teased and received a hostile Santa flipping me off.

The bell rang, warning us we had two minutes left until class. I kissed Edward goodbye and said I'd see him later at lunch. On the way to History class, Jasper listed his suggestions of what he was thinking of getting Alice for Christmas. I wasn't really paying much attention to him since I was too busy trying to figure out if I had any food in my back pack.

"...ass-less chaps." I heard Jasper muse, causing me to stumble into the person in front of me. I turned to him with my mouth hanging open still gripping onto the jacket of the person in front of me who thankfully stopped me from face planting.

"Jasper, what in the fuck are you talking about?" I sputtered, realizing that not only was I still gripping the jacket of the person in front of me, but that I was shoved up against their back as well.

"Hey, Bella." Peter's voice floated over to me, much closer than I was comfortable with, causing me to jump back in surprise. It was then I realized he was the person who broke my fall, he was also the person receiving the stink eye from Jasper. I rolled my eyes. Jasper really needed to let that shit go.

"Hey, Peter." I sighed, fixing my back pack that had slid off my shoulder. "Sorry about that," I said, motioning to the back of his coat which was all crumpled up after I had mauled it.

"No problem," he said with a wink and turned around heading towards our classroom. I heard Jasper mutter 'asshole' under his breath as we made our way inside. I chose to ignore him; it was his ass-less chaps comment that started the entire fucking thing in the first place. Just as I was walking through the doorway I caught a glimpse of the condom tamperer. She was staring at me with a really creepy fucking smile on her face. In case she missed the memo- Halloween was over. She could take a break from practicing her stalker look. I narrowed my eyes at her and flipped her off causing her to startle before hauling ass down the hallway. That's right bitch, betta recognize.

After my first final, which was easy fuckin' peasy, I made my way to second period. The principle came over the intercom announcing that secret Santa presents would start being delivered towards in the end of second period and for Emmett to come to the main office. I swear I heard him whoop from somewhere in the building.

It was near the end of third period when Emmett came barreling through the door with a big ass red sack flung over his shoulder. He looked so fucking happy I thought his face might split right in two, oh and he looked completely fucking ridiculous too. He pulled out some boxes handing them to a few people in class before sauntering over to me and depositing a box on my desk.

"Ho, ho, ho, Bella, Merry Christmas," he said, grabbing his big fake belly and trying to shake it. It didn't really work since it was just a hard plastic bubble. I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed the box to stuff into my bag. Emmett's lip rolled out in an exaggerated pout when he saw I had no intentions of opening it right now. Fuck that, I knew these crazy fuckers by now, there was no way I was opening up a present in a classroom full of people when I didn't even know who it was from.

After third period I shoved my books into my bag and made my way to the cafeteria. I had just set my lunch tray on the table when I was suddenly air lifted by a pair of familiar arms then kissed nearly breathless. I heard loud cheers and a few wolf whistles as I was finally set back on my feet.

"Well, hello to you too." I smiled and turned to sit only to have Edward tighten his hold keeping me in place. I turned to look at him and the look on his face nearly made my heart stop. He was smiling from ear to ear, his eyes dancing, and his breathing heavy like he'd just ran a marathon. Jesus fuck I wanted to drag him into the janitors closet and fuck him senseless.

"Do you mean it?" he asked breathlessly, his fingers digging into my sides. I stared at him confused and trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about when I noticed he was wearing a brand new University of Texas hat. The sight of it made my chest tighten and I tried to turn and pull away but the iron grip he had on my waist prevented me from budging an inch.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to avoid his eyes. He bent down to my level, his brow furrowed in confusion, his face no longer glowing like one of those damn glow worm babies kids have. He reached into his pocket and thrust a small card into my hands, pulling off his hat and running his hand through his hair.

I opened the card, my eyes narrowing as I read the words. Someone was going to fucking die before this day was over, of that I had no fucking doubt. Rose was leaning over my shoulder reading the note, her reaction much like my own.

"What the fuck?" she yelled, snatching the card out of my hand. Emmett asked her what the hell was going on so she read the note out loud.

"_I can't wait until we're in Texas together next year and I can spend every free second with you. Love, Me_." Rose read, her face almost matching the same hue of red as my own. I turned to face Edward who had obviously figured out the note wasn't from me. He had pulled the hat off his head, his hair standing up all over the place. But his face, his face made my blood boil to a level that it had never reached before. Because whoever had written that note knew he would think it was from me and the disappointed look on his face made me want to snatch my hair out. Or the hair out of whoever the fuck ever did this.

Just then a flash of movement caught my eye right before Maggie bounced up beside Edward. She eyed the hat before smiling up at him. "Do you like the hat?" she asked, batting her lashes. I stood there for a minute as I processed her words. This bitch, had to die now. Edward looked down at her, anger replacing every other emotion on his face. He looked at her the way he looked that weekend in Auburn and for a second I got lost in how fucking hot he looked, until he spoke.

"You gave me this?" he asked, his voice low, his hand tightening around the hat like it could crush it to dust.

"Well, y-yeah," she stuttered, obviously taken aback by his tone. "I mean, I saw Bella hanging all over Peter this morning so I just figured you had finally dropped her..." she trailed off as Rose growled at her. But it was Jasper who jumped up, his voice rough with anger.

"She was not hanging all over fucking Peter," he spat, "she just stumbled into him after I suggested buying ass-less chaps for Alice for Christmas," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. And for a minute there was just complete silence. Everyone just sort of froze, not exactly sure how to follow up a statement like that. I peeked up at Edward whose mouth was hanging slightly open as he stared at Jasper like he was fucking nuts. And really, I couldn't blame him. If I weren't so pissed off, I'd probably be rolling around on the fucking floor right now.

Emmett obviously chose to go with humor and snorted out a laugh, earning a smack from Rose and a quiet 'fuck off' from Jasper. I turned my attention back to the she-devil who was shifting nervously from the death glares she was receiving from the group. I took a cleansing breath and took a step closer to her. She moved to step back and my hand shot out gripping her arm tightly.

"Nuh uh," I said shaking my head and pulling her towards me. "I warned you," I tsked, digging my fingers into her arm. "I told you that if you tried to mess with what was mine that I would pussy punch you so hard your kidneys would fall out of your ass." I sighed, releasing her arm.

"But I can't do that now," I said with mock sadness and almost laughed when her body relaxed some. Stupid, stupid girl. "Because I don't think a pussy punch will hurt nearly as much as smashing in your face," I said through gritted teeth. I saw her eyes widen when she realized my intentions and out of the corner of my eye I swear I saw Edward grin as he dropped the hat and took a step back. Then it was on.

I'd never actually had to punch someone in the face before, usually just the threat of physical violence was enough to get someone to back off. But this bitch had gone too far. Without another word I reared my arm back and let my fist connect with her face. Pain shot up my arm as the bones in my hand made contact with her face, but the satisfaction I got from her scream of pain was enough for me to reach back and do it again. She stumbled back and fell onto her ass and I didn't even think about it as I jumped on top of her and punched her again, this time my hand coming back covered in blood.

She screamed and kicked and yanked the shit out of my hair but I never relented, this bitch had it coming. In what seemed like only seconds I was being snatched into the air, an authoritative voice commanding that everyone have a seat or risk expulsion. I kicked one last time making contact with her side before the teacher behind me finally dragged me from the cafeteria. I saw Edward try to follow me, only to have another teacher put a hand on his chest stopping him from leaving.

A short while later I found myself seated in the guidance counselor's office with an ice pack on my hand. Currently the counselor, Ms. Heidi as she liked for us to call her, was on the phone with the hospital trying to reach Charlie. He must have been with a patient because she was explaining again that she really needed to speak with someone regarding his daughter. I sat there with my head resting against the wall hoping that he wouldn't be too pissed. I knew I was going to be suspended from school, the question was would they allow me to finish taking my last two finals today.

A minute later Ms. Heidi's face changed from annoyed to one of genuine surprise before she broke out onto a wide smile.

"Janie!" she squealed like she was thirteen and not thirty. Janie, who was...oh, fuck yes. Please be my Jane, Charlie's Jane, our kick ass awesome fucking Jane. I listened to Ms. Heidi's side of the conversation, catching bits and pieces only because she was talking so fucking fast.

"...Charlie...wow...I didn't know...so he's the one that does that thing with his tongue..." I tuned her out after that because, fuck me, I did not need to know anything that Charlie did with his tongue. Fucking gross. She talked for a couple of minutes more before smiling over at me, much differently than she had when I first entered the room, and handed me the phone.

"Hello," I answered, unsure of what the hell was going on.

"Oh girl, you owe me again," Jane laughed giddily. "There's no way I can keep this one from Charlie because your ass is going to be suspended, but Heidi is going to let you sit in her office and complete your last two exams. And when you get home I want fucking details about what the hell happened today," she said a little more seriously. And okay, I guess I owed her that since I wasn't going to fail two classes for missing finals thanks to her.

"Okay," I conceded and handed the receiver back to Ms. Heidi. I spent the next two hours finishing up my test before being escorted to my locker to gather my things and then out to the student parking lot where Charlie sat waiting on me. I was only suspended for a week which, after finding out I broke her nose, wasn't bad at all.

When I settled into my seat, I chanced a peek over at Charlie who sat stoically in his seat. I felt bad that he had to deal with this shit and we'd only lived here a little over five months. But I did not feel sorry about cleaning that bitch's clock, she had that shit coming to her.

"Did she now?" Charlie asked sounding amused. I gave myself an internal fist pump that my inner monologue had escaped once again since it made bringing up what happened so much fucking easier since, well, I'd already brought it up.

I sighed. "Charlie, the condom tamperer had it coming. She's messed with me the entire school year and has tried to get on Edward's junk over and over again, and in my defense I did warn her that if she messed with him again that I was going to pussy punch her ass. She made him look disappointed because he thought that I had changed my mind about going to school in New York and was going to go to school in Texas with him instead, and it's one thing to mess with me but when she messed with him it was just too much so I had to punch her, don't you see?" I exclaimed, flailing my arms overhead and trying to regain my color since I nearly passed out saying all that shit in one breath.

I looked over at Charlie who was just staring at me, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open before he shook his head and lunged at me. I was so taken off guard that I was about to throw another right hook when I felt his arms tighten around me in a hug as he pulled me across the seat. I sat there awkwardly before reaching up and giving him a stiff pat on the back. Was this one of those new aged treatments or something? Maybe a new kind of punishment? I wasn't sure but he wasn't yelling or telling me we were moving so that was a start.

He finally pulled back patting me on the head like a fucking dog before relaxing back into the drivers seat. I stared at him suspiciously for a minute unsure what to make of the outburst, because man that was fucking weird, when I noticed that his eyes looked a little glassy. No way this fucker picked me up high, no fucking way.

"What the hell was that?" I asked, motioning between us and sniffing the air at the same time, noting it didn't smell like he'd smoked.

"Do you realize that just now is the first time you have actually opened up to me and told me what the hell was going on without being deflective and using sarcasm as a defense?" Charlie asked sounding a little choked up. I thought back to all of the conversations that we'd had in the past, ready to correct him when I realized he was right. Well, how about that fucking shit.

"Does that mean I'm not grounded?" I asked hopefully, a smile creeping across my face.

"Not a chance in hell," he deadpanned. Well, damn it, that sucks. "But," he said, "Your punishment can start after the holidays, you can still hang out with your friends until school starts back, then you're grounded for two weeks," he finished with a nod of his head.

"Deal," I said nodding back. That was fair enough for me.

Later that afternoon, Edward dropped by to see me. Things seemed a little strained and I knew the reason, but I was just to chickenshit to bring it up. I guess he felt the same since, instead, he decided to fill me in on how Emmett had taken to calling me Lalia Ali for the rest of the day. Well, I guess there could be worse nicknames, you know, like Stinky.

We hung out for a bit and Edward reminded me to ask my dad about his folks coming over Christmas night for dessert. I told him I'd ask and that I'd call him later. He kissed me goodbye and took off for his shift at the Kum and Go. I figured now was as good a time as any, so I made my way into the house and towards the basement.

"Hey, Dad?" I asked nicely as I walked into the basement.

"Hey, Bella," he mocked my sweet tone and I laughed.

"So...Christmas. Esme wanted me to ask you if-"

Charlie immediately winced and could I really blame the dude? I was pretty sure he still had night terrors after what happened at the turkey farm.

"She wanted you to ask what?" he asked hesitantly.

"If they could stop by Christmas night for dessert. I'm pretty sure Dr. C's exact words were 'no alcohol, please dear God, no alcohol'..." I trailed off, fighting back laughter.

"Dessert sounds fine. Jane mentioned she wanted to do low key anyway, so that works great. And maybe Esme can bring some of her fruitcake...just throwing that out there," Charlie added with a chuckle.

"That's disgusting," I commented, knowing not even the best fucking weed out there could make fruitcake appetizing for me. "But sure. I'll make sure to mention it," I agreed. "So..Jane's spending Christmas with us, huh?"

Charlie avoided my stare and I rolled my eyes at the way he blushed and stuttered as he said, "We...uh, well. Yeah. Unless you weren't okay with that, but-"

"Fuck, of course I'm more than okay with that. You're tolerable when she's around. I think she's good for you, Dad," I admitted. I couldn't imagine Christmas without her. I also couldn't imagine Christmas without Edward and the rest of the fucked up, crazy funny people who made my every day tolerable.

"You okay, Bells?" Charlie suddenly asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah. Great. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Esme Christmas is a go and to bring that nasty ass fruitcake for you."

"Sounds bueno," Charlie said, turning his attention back to the news.

I walked back upstairs and called Edward to let him know everything was set. He sounded a little too excited for Christmas dessert, but whatever. As long as I got to see him for a little bit on Christmas I'd be good.

I still felt really bad about the way Edward had reacted with the whole Maggie thing. He tried really hard to downplay everything, saying that he was fine and that he just got caught in the moment, but I'll never forget the look in his eyes when, for a few seconds, he thought I was going to be in Texas with him next year.

But we had time, and neither of us wanted to dwell on something we had no control over. We'd just enjoy the next five months of school and then the summer and worry about things like distances and no sex and phone calls and sorority girls all over his dick and mother fucker I needed to stop thinking about this shit right the fuck now.

The next couple of days I spent a lot of time with Jane running around doing some last minute Christmas shopping. I filled her in on what went down with Maggie and to her credit she really did try and keep a straight face, but in the end she just couldn't hold it together after the pussy punch comment, just like last time. I also had her take me over to the art supply store so I could pick up Edward's Christmas present. We hadn't really talked about gifts, but when I realized what he planned to major in I decided to show him I really was fucking proud of him. I had ordered a portable drafting table that came with all these special features that I knew shit about other than it would make him happy. And I wanted to see his face light up, then have hot dirty sex again.

Christmas morning started with the phone ringing at the crack of fucking dawn. I was going to kill Edward, he know how much I hate to be woken up. I snatched the phone off the receiver ready to lay into him when he spoke.

"Merry Christmas baby," he yawned sounding sleepy and sexy and wasn't I supposed to pissed about something?

"Morning," I replied, trying and failing to keep the smile out of my voice, it was just too fucking hot to be pissed at. "Why are you up so early?" I asked stretching.

"Emmett," he deadpanned.

"We're going to have to do something about that shit," I said thinking it was about time Emmett got a little payback for, well, just being Emmett.

"Whatcha got in mind?" Edward asked sounding a little more awake and a lot more excited.

"I'm not sure yet," I said tapping my chin. I heard Edward sigh on the other end.

"I love how your evil side compliments mine so perfectly," He laughed, sounding devious and fuckable.

"Yes, we are quiet the pair," I agreed and Edward hummed his agreement as well.

"So, tonight?" I asked impatiently, side eyeing the bathroom because I really needed to pee.

He laughed, almost like he knew what I was doing. "Yeah, Pockets, I'll see you tonight. I've got a surprise for you," he said conspiratorially.

"What are you up to?" I asked suspiciously.

"Merry Christmas, baby," he said again, laughed and hung up. That little shit was up to something and there was no telling what kind of trouble he was going to get us into. I couldn't wait. I hopped out of bed and got dressed for the day and made my way downstairs.

After a nice breakfast with Jane and Charlie, we opened presents. They got me a couple of gift cards and some news photo albums, but the best present of the morning was when Jane opened her gift from Charlie.

It was a thin silver chain with a small silver heart that hung to the side. It had an antique looking silver key hanging with the heart and it was pretty fucking clear what the meaning behind the gift was. She just stared at him for a few minutes, her eyes glassy as Charlie shifted nervously in his chair. These fuckers were killing me with their cuteness and I felt my own eyes starting to sting when Jane lunged and clung to him like a fucking spider monkey.

Charlie wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair and I took that as my cue to grab my shit and get the fuck out of the room before I saw some shit no amount of therapy could fix. It did make one thing clear- Jane wasn't going anywhere, and I was more happy about that than I realized I would be.

The rest of the day dragged on, I helped Jane clean up and get started on the desserts while Charlie disappeared doing god knows what. Before long I saw headlights shining in the front window quickly followed by a knock at the front door.

"Merry Christmas!" Esme beamed as I opened the front door.

"Merry Christmas Ms. Esme, Dr. C." I smiled and moved to the side to let them in.

Edward smiled down at me and pulled me into his side. "Merry Christmas, Pockets," he whispered against my hair and I shivered at his touch.

"Hi," I breathed. "Merry Christmas."

"I have something for you," he mumbled against my ear and pulled away to reveal a sneaky little grin. "C'mere," he said, pulling my hand behind him. He greeted Charlie and Jane before we ran outside to his truck.

"Why did you drive your truck here?" I questioned as he unlocked the door and handed me a Tupperware container.

"Merry Christmas. Open it," he pushed, wrapping his arm around my waist. I opened the container and was assaulted with the aroma of chocolate and...weed. Fucking good ass weed.

"Brownies? _Weed_brownies?" I squealed. "Oh my God!"

"I made them last night. I figured we'd need a little entertainment for ourselves since the adults swore off alcohol for the day."

"You're the sweetest boyfriend I've ever had," I gushed jokingly and placed a kiss on his lips.

"I'm the only boyfriend you've ever had," he mumbled against my lips.

"Yeah, therefore you're the best. No competition," I explained as he laughed. "So, what's the plan? We eat these and then-" My thoughts were cut short when I saw Emmett's truck barreling down the road. "Of course. Who needs weed brownies when those fuckers are more than enough entertainment?"

"Good thing I brought the entire batch. I knew they'd show up," Edward snorted. Yeah, I knew they'd show up, too. After Thanksgiving I decided take pity on them and not make them come up with insane excuses to spend some time with all of us together on Christmas. I told everyone what time to come over and just braced myself for the fall out. I wasn't, however, counting on Edward bringing me weed brownies. Sharing those had not been part of the deal.

Edward loosened his arm around me and I shoved the Tupperware container into the floorboard of the truck before the crew piled out and made their way towards us. "You know if I don't hide these, they will eat all of them before we even get a crumb," I whispered so only Edward could hear.

"Merry Christmas, Fuckers!" Emmett bellowed as he struggled with the, I'm assuming, sack of presents he was carrying behind him.

"Hey, everyone else is inside, so-"

"Weed brownies," Alice suddenly said, staring straight ahead as if she were having a vision.

I let out an awkward half laugh, half choke. "What's that now?"

"Weed brownies. You have weed brownies!" she accused, and every single one of them narrowed their eyes at me.

"Hey! Back away!" I hissed and stood between the door of the truck and the people who wanted to steal my weed brownies. "First, I have no idea how the fuck you did that, Alice. And, second, these were a present from Edward! Back away, you peasants!"

"Did you just call us peasants?" Jasper snorted.

I dropped my head, ignored Edward's laughter and sighed. "I panicked."

"Tis the season, Bella. I think you need to share the brownies," Emmett said in his jolliest tone.

"Fine. You know what? Fine." I opened the truck door and felt Edward's hand on the back of my neck. "I'll share because I didn't get you guys anything, so...Merry Christmas," I said with a huff.

"You're re-gifting my gift to you in front of me?" Edward asked, pretending to look wounded.

"You got her weed brownies as a Christmas present?" Rose deadpanned. "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard," she said seriously.

"Everyone grab a brownie before I change my mind!" I squeaked before grabbing one of the brownies for myself. And holy fuck, they were delicious. "I think I'm going to cry."

"What? Why?" Edward asked as everyone grabbed a brownie or two to shove into their mouths.

"It's so good. You're so sweet," I claimed and placed kisses along his jaw and cheeks.

"Sweet," Edward joked and grabbed a brownie for himself.

"Hey, let's go chill in the back on Old Lady Dead Bits' trampoline while we wait for this shit to kick in," Rose suggested and why the fuck not?

There were at least five brownies left, so I securely placed the lid back on the container before making my way inside while everyone else walked around the side of the house. I figured I'd hide the container inside somewhere in case we wanted to eat the rest. I ran up to my bedroom and set the brownies on my dresser, grabbed a hoodie from my closet and threw on a pair of boots. I was glad Rose suggested to chill out back because I didn't exactly want to stay inside once the brownies kicked in, especially since the adults were going to be all boring and proper for this holiday.

Running downstairs, I practically collided with Edward who was waiting for me at the bottom.

"Whoa, there," he said with a smirk, pushing the hair out of my face. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah, you? Thanks for the brownies, by the way. You're surprisingly good at baking."

"Well, I'd hope so, Pockets." He laughed and grabbed my hand as he walked down the hall to the back door. "My mom owns her own bakery. I'd hope I'd know how to crack an egg or two."

"Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that," I admitted.

"I need to pee," Rose suddenly appeared at the back door. "And you fucking know it's best if I empty this bladder now."

Edward and I both cringed. "Yeah. Good fucking idea." I shook my head because, really, the luck we've had with our bladders was all kinds of fucked up. Rose laughed and pushed past us as Edward and I walked out to the middle of the yard where the old trampoline sat.

I shivered from the wind as I watched Edward and his nice ass pull himself up on the trampoline. He reached out a hand to help me up, which was a little difficult since Emmett was bouncing all over the fucking place. Alice and Jasper rated his flips on a scale from one to ten from the safety of the fire pit on the patio.

Rose came outside a few minutes later with a smirk on her face. And, fuck, I knew that meant she had been up to no good, but I kept my mouth shut. Emmett stopped bouncing around to help her up on the trampoline and I narrowed my eyes at her. She'd spill sooner or later.

"Look what I found when I was upstairs," she said with a triumphant smile. And apparently it was _sooner _rather than _later _because she pulled my Secret Santa gift out from behind her back.

"What's that?" Edward asked, staring at me.

I snorted. "The 'anonymous' secret Santa gift you sent me."

Rose shook it a few times before tossing it to where I was sitting. Edward picked it up and gave me an odd smile.

"I didn't send this to you, Bella."

"Good one," I said with a laugh and grabbed the present from his hands. When he didn't laugh with me, I quirked an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," he said in a low voice. "What's the tag say?"

"Anonymous," Rose said this time with a grin. "Open it!"

"Wait. I'm...scared? It wasn't from any of you?" I questioned, not sure if I should believe any of them when they all shook their heads 'no'. "Then who was it?"

While we spent the next fifteen minutes waiting for our high to kick in, everyone decided it'd be funny to guess who sent me the Secret Santa gift. I was pretty sure it was Edward, but I still let them have their fun.

"What about Peter? It was probably him," Jasper said with a huff, standing near the fire pit with Alice. "It has to be. He's so annoyingly persistent like that."

"Jasper's still a bit hurt about Peter," Alice insisted as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Nah, I bet it was Maggie," Rose guessed and everyone burst into laughter. "Especially after that deck to the face. I bet she wanted you to do something else with that fist of yours, Bella."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," I groaned, throwing my hands over my face.

"Fuck. I'm high," Emmett suddenly drawled.

"Really? That's funny because didn't you eat some brownies with weed in them?" Edward teased and laid his back against the trampoline.

"Funny, asshole." Emmett stood on his feet and began jumping on the trampoline again. "Popcorn!" he called out, causing Rose, Edward and me to bounce all over the place.

"Alright, shit! I'm getting off," I yelled, waiting for him to stop because I just knew one of us were going to fly off this thing and break an arm.

"You're getting off?" Emmett smirked.

"Oh, shut up," Rose slapped his chest. "Before we go inside, you need to open the present, Bella."

"Just open it, baby. I want to see who my competition is," Edward joked.

"Ugh," I groaned and eyed the present, so perfectly wrapped. I carefully tore the wrapping paper and pulled the lid off the box to reveal a book. "It's...a book," I said, ending the suspicion.

"Guess I don't have to be worried after all," Edward winked. "What book is it?"

My face turned red and I huffed as I read the title aloud. "'Pole Dancing For Dummies'." I immediately regretted ever telling these fuckers about that night.

It was silent for about half a second before everyone burst into laughter. Emmett laughed so hard he rolled himself right off the trampoline. Rose couldn't even fucking breathe because she was wheeze-laughing, and Edward had fucking tears in his eyes while he laughed and grabbed my waist. I didn't know what Alice and Jasper were doing until I looked over and saw them on the ground literally rolling in laughter.

"Real fucking funny, guys. Really. That was great. Thanks," I said, wanting to be angry but I just couldn't help but smile at their reactions.

"It wasn't any of us, Bella," Emmett called out from under the trampoline.

"Like I'll ever believe that!" I screamed and attempted to step off the trampoline, but somehow managed to stumble and fall off.

"Maybe what you really needed was 'Walking For Dummies'," Jasper called from the patio as I stood to my feet, brushing myself off.

Alice stared at me for a second then said, "I think she'd get better use from reading 'Keeping Your Inner Monologue To Yourself For Dummies'."

"Fuck that. What about 'Controlling Your Bladder For Dummies'!" Rose yelled this time then proceeded to wheeze laugh again.

"No, no, no," Emmett began, "what she really needs is 'Shoveling Shit For Dummies," he howled, and I held back from pointing out that I threw shit in his mouth.

I flipped them both off as Edward jumped off the trampoline, gave me a sly smile and whispered against my ear, "'Eulogizing For Dummies'?"

"Ugh! Not you too!" I half screamed, half laughed as he kept me in place, grabbing onto my hips. "Well, I'm glad everyone is having a great Christmas at my expense," I said pitifully.

"Ah, come on. We love ya, you know that," Emmett pointed out once his laughter died down.

And in a weird way, he was right. Them making fun of all my shit proved that they knew the real me and, somehow, still managed to like me despite all of my issues. Sure, it was fucked up, but it was also hilarious and they meant well. But fuck if I was ever going to share my brownies with them again.

We decided to head inside because it was getting really fucking cold and our munchies were pulling us to the desserts that were spread out in the kitchen. As soon as we stumbled into the house and our ears were assaulted with Jane's signature laugh. What the motherfuck? And...and was that Charlie's voice that was belting out Journey?

I cut my eyes to Rose who was grinning from ear to ear. "What did you do?"

The six of us walked into the kitchen to find Esme sitting on the floor eating her fruitcake with her hands, Jane and Carlisle sitting on the counter cracking the fuck up and poor Charlie standing on the kitchen table using a spatula as a microphone.

"Holy shit," I spat and Charlie suddenly stopped singing. He looked at us and tossed the spatula at me.

"You finish this verse, Bells." Charlie said with a swivel of his hips. Oh God, they were so fucking baked. I scanned the kitchen and spied a plate with a lone brownie sitting there all by itself. I knew there were five left so each of these fuckers had scarfed down a brownie each.

I noticed Emmett edging towards the plate and before I realized what I was doing the spatula in my hand was flying through the air, smacking him right in the forehead. I was so fucking bad ass, I just threw the spatula like a ninja star. Chuck Norris would so high five me right now. While he was distracted, I sprinted to the plate and grabbed the brownie shoving the entire thing in my mouth. These fuckers were not going to be more fucked up than me on my own damn Christmas present, it just didn't work that way.

Jane hopped off of the counter and stumbled over to me giggling the entire time, Charlie had resumed his karaoke of Journey, and, well, Esme was still double fisting the fruit cake while Carlisle stared at her in a way that kinda made me want to throw up a little.

"I know these brownies are spiked," Jane whisper yelled at me. "I'm not sure if I want to smack you for getting me messed up again with your boyfriend's parents, or beg you to tell me where y'all got this shit." She laughed then looked up at Charlie who was now doing an Elvis impersonation with full on hip swiveling. She licked her lips and cut her eyes at me, "I'll go with 'thanks' for now," she said and waltzed over to Charlie pulling him down from the table. Ew. Oh my God ew.

Everyone just sort of stood there in a daze, completely unsure of how to react when Edward spoke up that maybe everyone should head out. There were protest from the peanut gallery, but only because they wanted to see what the hell else might happen. Assholes. Edward told his parents that he was going to hang out with me for a bit and would be home later. Not that they noticed since Esme seemed to have her hand shoved all the way down the front of Carlisle's pants.

After everyone finally left, Edward said he had to run out to his truck real quick and for me to meet him up in my room. I had a feeling he was trying to be sneaky and sweet by grabbing my present from his truck, so I ran upstairs and pulled his gift out of my closet.

I sat on the bed and smiled back at him as he walked over to me holding something behind his back. He presented me with a medium-sized wrapped box and a sheepish grin.

"Merry Christmas," he said in a low voice as I grabbed the box from him. "I hope you like it," he mumbled and nervously ran his hands through his hair.

I tore the paper and stared in awe. "A Holga lens kit?" I asked with a grin.

"Yeah," he replied softly. "I actually didn't really have any clue what the fuck I was buying, but it sounded pretty awesome, something about being able to make your images look more retro and there's some color filter set, and yeah. If you already have all that stuff you can return it or whatever, cause really I-"

"Edward. Shut up. It's fucking awesome and I love it and I-" I paused. "Thank you." I beamed, setting the box on the bed and wrapping my arms around his neck. "That was so thoughtful. Thanks. I really love it," I whispered before kissing him.

"Good cause I was really kind of stressing about it." He laughed against my lips. "I'm glad you like it, baby."

"Okay, now open yours!" I squealed and pointed at the gift leaning against my closet door. He kissed me once more and walked over to unwrap the gift.

He was quiet for a moment as he inspected the gift before he blurted out, "No fucking way?"

"Yes fucking way?" I replied, biting my lip.

"This is awesome, Pockets," he said, giving me the biggest grin I'd ever seen. "And it's portable, too, huh?"

"Yeah, I figured that would be a nice perk since you might need it for classes and shit. Or if you need to take it to the library. Or just, whatever, I don't know-"

"Bella. You're rambling," Edward said, catching me off guard with his laugh. He stepped towards me, pulling my body against his. "It's awesome. I love it and I-" he paused. "Thank you."

I stared up at him, feeling the warmth of his body against mine and feeling overly excited and loved and just in the fucking moment because the way he stared at me was almost too much. I knew right then that I loved him and I wanted to tell him. The butterflies, the anticipation of seeing him each day, the way he said my name and the way his laugh was only different when he was around me. He was my best friend; he was just _everything_.

"Bella..." he brushed a piece of hair away from my face and he opened his mouth to speak.

"Fuck it," I blurted out. "I love you."

Edward searched my face for a moment, keeping both of his hands on either side of my cheeks before his face broke out into a grin. "Way to steal my thunder," he said with a chuckle. "I was totally about to say it right before you did."

"Well, then say it," I demanded feeling happy and playful because he totally fucking loved me.

"Of course I love you, Bella," he said as his eyes softened before placing his lips on mine. "I'm surprised you didn't realize that sooner. You're my fucking best friend, Pockets."

"You're my best friend, too," I whispered against his lips.

"That's good. I really felt like I went out on a limb there calling you my best friend. Glad to know the feeling is reciprocated," he joked and I yanked his shirt so he'd lean down and kiss me again.

"So, wait," he pulled back and I pouted that his lips were no longer on mine. "Does this mean I win in the gift giving competition against Mr. Anonymous?"

"Of course. Even though I still think it's you, but whatever," I snorted. "You totally win."

"Sweet. I got the girl _and _a badass portable drafting table," he mock fist pumped. "Best Christmas ever."

And, yeah, I had to agree. Best Christmas Ever.

_I'm never going to have another Christmas as perfect as this one again... _

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Liv- *HIGH FIVES MEG***

**Meg- *misses, gets smacked in face* you just high fived my face and I can't even care because I'm feeling the love right now. **

**Liv- I have butterflies and rainbows and kittens dancing around in my head! I'm so sappy happy right now about the I love you's! * Twirls around the room* **

**Meg- I know, dude. I know. So heart happy :')**

**Liv- And Charlie and Jane and just happy, happy, joy, joy!**

**Meg- And Maggie's sulking in the corner scheduling an appt. to get her nose fixed.**

**Liv- Haha, Bella is totally bad ass.**

**Meg- *whispers* Bella scares me.**

**Liv- Betta recognize.**

**Meg- *fist pumps* **


	16. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen<strong>

It had been two days since the awesomeness that was Christmas. Since Edward and the rest of the gang were all working, I decided to clean the entire house and organize my sock drawer out of sheer boredom. I'd have to vacuum later since Charlie's lazy ass had been napping on and off all day.

I thought about maybe going to look for a job myself, but I figured that could be done while I was suspended from school next week. I puttered around the silent house, listening to all the creaks and groans it made. This was the first time I'd been virtually alone here since we moved in and I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all.

I made my way up towards my bedroom and noticed a door off to the left at the top of the stairs that I'd never really paid any attention to before. I walked over and turned the handle to push it open and noticed it led to, of course, more stairs. Great, like this house wasn't creepy enough, it had to go and have an attic, too? I turned to walk away, but my boredom caused me to pause. I sighed because it was only a matter of seconds before I decided I'd go and do something really stupid. I was totally going to snoop around in the attic and then most likely get hacked into little pieces and stuffed in a trunk. This was such a bad idea, I knew it was a bad fucking idea, but that didn't stop me one bit.

I flicked on the light switch by the door, thankful that it actually lit the entire stairway as well as the attic. I think I might have bashed my own head in if I had to go up there in the dark, only to find one of those useless lights with the pull string that created about a three foot radius of visibility. That's just asking for trouble. I walked up the stairs, cringing at how each one creaked with my weight. Once I reached the top of the stairs, I looked around and was not disappointed with the creepiness, even with the extra lighting. And wouldn't you know it, there in the corner was a big fucking trunk just waiting for someone to stuff me in it.

I sighed again. This place was a fucking mess with piles of boxes full of God knows what lining the walls. And of course you couldn't have a truly haunted feel without a freaky ass mannequin in the corner, now could you? Of course not. I walked over to the trunk and stared at it for a few seconds before kneeling down in front of it. The lock was missing so I flipped up the latch and pushed the top open.

After the cloud of dust finished its assault on my lungs, I peered into the trunk. It was full of old dresses and a couple pairs of shoes but, luckily, no body parts. I breathed a sigh of relief and wanted to face palm myself at the same time for actually thinking there might have actually been pieces of Old Lady Dead Bits in the trunk. Just as I was getting ready to close the top, I saw the fabric of one of the dresses move. I'm not stupid, I wasn't sticking me hand in there, but...I was bored and nosy, so I grabbed the yard stick near the mannequin and poked at the dress.

And what the motherfuck was I thinking? As soon as I poked the dress, a ball of fur and claws launched itself at me. I screamed and thrashed my arms around while jumping up and down trying to fight off my assailant. It landed with a thud and scampered off towards the window while I was running for the stairs like my life depended on it. This is why people don't fuck around in the attic of old creepy fucking homes. Death by fucking rodent; my life was like a never ending fucking episode of _When Animals Attack_.

I barreled down the stairs, slamming the attic door behind me. I leaned against the door trying to catch my breath when I felt a stinging on the side of my cheek. I reached up and felt something wet, noticing the blood on the end of my finger after pulling my hand away from my cheek. That fucker cut me. What if he had rabies? I could become...rabid. Oh that fucker was gonna pay, and someone else was gonna make it happen because I'll be damned if I'm going back in that fucking attic ever again.

I stomped over to the the bathroom, flinging open the medicine cabinet so I could use some antiseptic on my face. Fucking rodents. If even a little bit of froth shows up at the corners of my mouth I'm torching this whole mother fucking house.

After a little more stomping around and cabinet slams I heard a car pull up. I knew it had to be Jane, which meant there would soon be food, so I hauled ass down the stairs to the kitchen. As soon as I ran through the doorway I was confronted with Charlie the Grouch. Super.

"Can't a man have a little peace and quiet while trying to nap?" Charlie grumbled as he walked into the kitchen.

"Hello? How do you think I feel when I'm trying to sleep at night and Old Lady Dead Bits is keeping me up?" I said quickly with a small shudder. "Blame yourself for buying a haunted house."

"Old Lady who?" Jane asked then quickly said, "Forget it. I don't want to know."

"It's going to be a lot more quiet around here when you're gone in the fall," Charlie muttered, somehow managing to sound happy and sad at the same time.

"Oh, shush, you," Jane scolded with a smirk. "You're going to miss her."

"I didn't say I'm not going to miss her," he argued and grabbed a beer from the fridge. "I just said it's going to be a lot more quiet."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll keep it down so you can go finish your nap. I know you had a rough day, what with the mid-morning nap you had and then all of the beer consumption," I said while rolling my eyes.

"Charlie never mentioned where you're going in the fall," Jane stated, pulling out leftovers from the fridge once Charlie walked out.

"New York, of course," I answered after a pause. "They have an art institute I was accepted into a few months ago."

Jane made a face. "What do you mean by 'of course'?"

"Just, like...doesn't that make sense? I used to live there and it's where I'll end up."

"Is that what you want to do? Because if it's where you want to go to school then yes, it makes sense. But if you're not sure..."

"I'm sure..." I trailed off, staring into space before snapping my eyes to meet Jane's. "I mean, I was sure. I made these plans a while ago."

"So who," she stopped and corrected herself, "what's making you doubt your plans?" Jane questioned as she pulled two plates out of the cabinet.

"I don't know," I lied, because I definitely knew. Edward was making me doubt my plans, and he wasn't even actually saying or doing anything to cause the doubt. But I couldn't answer Jane's question without looking like one of those pathetic, whiny girls. So I lied and said I didn't know, and when I noticed her stare I knew she knew I was lying.

"Well, what are Edward's plans?" Jane asked and I bit my thumb nail. "Speaking of," she murmured and I turned to look out the window to see Edward's truck pulling up. "I'll heat this up for you and make him a plate, too," she said as I ran to the front door before thanking her.

I slowed my pace once I opened the front door, walked down the porch stairs and meet Edward by his truck.

"How was work?" I asked as he immediately smiled and wrapped his arms around me.

"Boring as usual. Jasper stopped by and we smoked, but other than that..." he trailed off with a grin before kissing my lips. "What happened to your face?" he asked, lightly grazing my cheek.

"Ugh," I groaned, seeming to have completely blocked out what happened earlier. "If I said the words 'rabid squirrel', would that mean anything to you?"

"Not at all," he said, looking at me with an odd expression.

"Okay then. I'll explain later. Jane's making leftovers, let's go eat."

"Sounds good," he mumbled against my lips, letting one hand trail down my back. I reached behind me and grabbed his hand before turning and running up the porch.

Once we walked inside, we grabbed our plates and laughed with Jane about the utter mess that was Christmas. Edward mentioned that Esme and Dr. C weren't too uptight about everything that had happened. Not that they were ever uptight about anything, but you never know how someone will react when you accidentally let them eat weed brownies.

After cleaning our plates and thanking Jane, we ran up to my room to hang out for a while before Edward had to go home and help his mom take down the Christmas decorations.

"So what are we doing for New Year's?" I asked lazily, peeking over at Edward who was sprawled out on my floor. He rolled over onto his side propping his head up with his hand and smirked at me. Uh oh.

"Well, we usually crash a couple of parties around here then get baked in some field. But this year, since all of us are eighteen now we were thinking about going to a club or something in York," he said. Well, that didn't sound so crazy.

"Maybe we can find a strip club and you can give those pole dancing skills another shot." He laughed, blocking the pillow I launched at his head.

"You're an asshole, you know that?" I snipped. How long were they going to use that information to their advantage? A girl falls_ one _time because some nasty ass stripper over-lubed her pole and you'd think it was like discovering the awesomeness that is french fries dipped in a Frosty from Wendy's.

Edward balled the pillow under his head and ginned at me as his chuckles finally died down. "I'm just fuckin' with you, Pockets, no need to get your panties in a bunch. Although I wouldn't mind if they were in a bunch...on the floor," he said, leering at me. He really needed to stop looking at me like that or we were going to have sex right here on my bedroom floor. I looked over at him and smiled.

"You know what? That sounds like an excellent idea actually." I smirked.

"Yeah?" he asked, smiling.

"Yup. Another twirl around the pole might be good for me, you know see if it was a fluke."

"Wait, what?" he asked confused, causing me to chuckle.

"Oh yeah, I think I could give those girls a run for their money, ya know?" I joked and watched as realization dawned on his face. It took everything I had to keep from busting out laughing at the way his lips thinned out and his eyebrows pulled together.

"Do you think that Emmett and Jasper would put a few dollar bills in my g-string?" I asked, popping the side of my panties. "Right here maybe?"

I didn't get another word out before I was suddenly covered in boy. Edward flattened his body out over me, pinning me onto the bed.

"You think you're funny, don't you?" he asked, his voice low as his breath fanned across my face.

"Oh yeah, I'm a riot," I said, laughing against his lips.

He ground his hips against mine before breathing out, " No one gets to see you strip but me. I can't have a bunch of dirty old men staring at you. I don't think me kicking a bunch of old dudes in the balls would go over very well."

"Only you," I promised, sealing it with a kiss as he ground against me again. "Fuck, you know-"

"Just casually walking to the bathroom," Charlie's voice rang out from the hallway. "In case anyone wanted to know. I am walking. to. the bathroom."

"Shit," Edward groaned and rolled off of me. "I was just helping her, uh," Edward said loudly and rather lamely.

"You're an idiot. Don't even try finish that sentence," I teased.

"Something wrong with the bathroom in the basement? Or your bedroom, or anywhere in the house not up two flights of stairs?" I asked Charlie.

"Just checking the water pressure s'all," Charlie chuckled.

Edward made a face at me and adjusted himself once Charlie disappeared. I stuck my tongue out at him and pulled myself up so I was leaning against the headboard.

"So you gonna tell me how you got your battle wound now?" he asked, motioning to my face.

"It started with the attic and ended with a rabid squirrel. The end," I said while rolling my eyes.

"Wait, what?" He laughed.

"Okay. I was bored earlier which led me to snooping around in the attic," I began to recall.

"Worst idea ever," Edward muttered.

"Yeah. No joke. Anyway, I was snooping around in a trunk I found up there and apparently a rabid squirrel had taken shelter inside of it because he fucked me up for messing with his house," I said in one breath, receiving zero reaction from Edward.

"Yeah, so I'm going to save us a lot of time here and not even pretend to be shocked at what happened to you, Pockets," Edward said with a smirk. "Do I need to kick a squirrel's ass?"

"Dude. This squirrel is, like, bad ass. Honestly, I'm not sure you could take him," I said, picking at my cuticle.

"Bella. It's a squirrel. I've killed plenty of squirrels in my life," he deadpanned with a roll of his eyes.

"With your bare hands?" I asked with a raised brow. "What are you, the 'squirrel whisperer'?" I laughed.

"No, smart ass, but how hard can it be? It's the size of a fucking rat," he huffed, and rather touchy, might I add.

"But this squirrel is ninja fast, like Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee all rolled into one," I said seriously. "When he came at me, I swear he yelled 'Hiyah' before he slashed my face open," I exclaimed doing a karate chop with my hand.

"What is it with you and ninjas?" he asked, shaking his head at me. I shrugged my shoulders.

"They're bad ass," I said nonchalantly.

"You're insane." He laughed, throwing my pillow back at me which I caught...with my face. I totally meant to do that.

"You love me anyway." I sighed, smiling at him. He leaned over and brushed his lips against mine.

"Yeah, I really do," he agreed and kissed me. "So what else did you find in the torture chamber?" he asked, scooting up against the headboard beside of me.

"Oh shit," I said excitedly, "you know how we were talking the other morning about joining our evil forces and screwing with the guys?"

"Yeah," he said, a huge grin spreading across his face. And fuck, I knew that look. I had been on the receiving end of that look before. Thank God I could threaten withholding sex to avoid his daily 'let's fuck with Bella games.' Not that I would ever actually be able to go though with not having the sex because, I mean, I've seen him naked and no way am I turning that shit away.

"Mannequin," I said distractedly, still thinking about him naked on top of me, under me, maybe-

"Bella," he growled, causing my eyes to snap to his, "whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours needs to stop now or I'm going to fuck you right here on this bed, Charlie be damned," he said lowly, his breathing matching my own.

"Not helping," I squeaked, jumping off the bed. "Come on, I'll show you what I'm talking about," I said reaching for his hand because I had no desire for Charlie to catch me with my pants down.

I opened the door to the attic and made a sweeping motion with my hand. "After you," I said and he gave me a blank stare. "And by 'after you' I mean I'm staying the fuck down here while you fetch the mannequin."

Edward shifted his feet and looked up at the stairwell. "If I'm not back in five minutes..." he trailed off with a grin.

"Oh, shush," I scolded. Edward climbed the stairs while I stood at the bottom and 'supervised'. It was better for everyone this way.

A few minutes later a series of loud bangs sounded, causing me to call out his name. Suddenly, it sounded like someone was falling down the stairs. And then it _looked _like someone was falling down the stairs. I panicked, jumping out of the way just before Edward yelled for me to look out. One of the mannequin's legs came tumbling down the stairs and landed in front of my feet. I looked up to see him grinning. Boys.

"So, what's the plan?" I asked, helping him carry the big ass mannequin down the stairs towards the front door.

"I think I'm going to head over to my grandparents and leave it in their barn for now," he said, hefting it over the side of the truck bed.

"Yeah?" I asked with a big smile. "Are you going four wheeling too?" I mighta bounced on my toes a little bit thinking about the meadow. Edward looked over at me and laughed shaking his head again.

"Such a stoner," he tsked in mock disapproval. "And no, I have to drop some stuff off for dad," he said, patting me on the head. I scowled at him and ducked from under his hand which made him grab and pin me to the side of his truck.

"Quit pouting," he mumbled, pressing his body against mine as he opened the passenger side door and flipped open the glove box. "Here baby, you can have this," he said sliding a joint into my hand. "I don't have time or I'd smoke it with you. Now be good and stay clear of those rabid ninja squirrels," he said brushing his thumb along the scratch on my face and smiling down at me.

Edward kissed me goodbye and promised to call later before hopping in his truck and taking off. I turned and headed back into the house clutching my newly acquired joint like a damn rosary. _God, please don't strike me down for comparing a joint to a rosary even though it is going to be heavenly. You know what I mean, so yeah, thanks, and...Amen._

After a quick glance confirming Charlie and Jane had retired to the basement, I went out to the back yard and laid on the trampoline to get blazed. After about four hits I realized this was some killer bud and would last me more than a few days. Which was good considering I had an entire week alone, here at the house, by myself, with the rabid ninja squirrel.

I was definitely going to look for a job next week. Maybe I could go bake some cupcakes with Ms. Esme, or work at the Kum and Go with Edward. We could totally act out scenes from Clerks with Jasper and Emmett as Jay and Silent Bob. The image of Jasper and Emmett standing out front of the store with a boom box playing as Jasper did the moon walk was too much, I completely cracked up. God, this was some good shit. I was so spaced out and giddy that when a throat cleared behind me I nearly bounced myself off the trampoline.

"Shit," I screamed watching the joint go airborne and land in the grass beside the trampoline. I peeked up and let out a sigh of relief when I realized it was Jane. I might have to smack Charlie if he started that 'hugs not drugs' bullshit with me again after falling for a full blown weed toking hippie.

"Hi," I giggled, picturing Jane with bell bottom pants and a silk psychedelic shirt. She lifted her brow at me and shook her head. What was with people shaking their head at me today?

"You are totally blitzed aren't you?" she asked with a small grin.

"Touchdown," I yelled, grinning while throwing both of my arms in the air in the shape of a field goal. Jane ducked her head back into her neck like she was trying to move away from me without actually moving.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" she asked, then actually did take a step back. I realized I still had both of my arms in the air so I dropped them to my sides.

"You said blitzed," I said slowly so she could understand me, "and that happens in football, but they didn't catch me, so I scored a touchdown," I finished, shooting my arms back up into the air. And now I was feeling confused, what the hell were we talking about again? Jane snorted and started walking backwards towards the house.

"Charlie's in the second leg of his nap-a-thon," she laughed, "I'd suggest you grab some food and hide in your room or he might try and trick you into thinking it's bring your kid to work day." She winked, then turned and ran up the back steps. Fuck, did she mean Charlie would try and have me committed? My confusion on that point was enough for me to drag my ass into the kitchen, load up on food, and be lazy in my room listening to music for the rest of the night.

Which is pretty much where I spent the rest of the week since everyone else was working during the day. I had talked to Edward on the phone every night and he had stopped by a couple of times after work so could hammer out the details for New Year's Eve and our plans to fuck with Emmett.

He came over early Saturday afternoon, all excited and giddy for what we had planned for Emmett. It really couldn't have worked out better since Alice and Jasper had made plans to go off on their own, now we had Emmett and Rose all to ourselves.

"So every thing's in place?" I asked, bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"Yup," he laughed rubbing his hands together.

"What time are Rose and Emmett coming to pick us up?" I asked, hopping up on the porch railing.

"They should be here in about an hour," he grinned, stepping in between my legs. "You know, I remember you asking me to fuck you on the porch one time," he said, rubbing his palms up my thighs. "And you know, it's already getting dark, I think we might need to see if this porch rail height is as perfect as it seems," he whispered, sliding him hands around my ass and pulling me flush against him. And yes this porch rail was exactly the right fucking height.

"Oh, what a lovely night. Don't you think so, Jane?" Charlie asked loudly, stepping out on the front porch. Edward let his head fall against my shoulder as he muttered what sounded like 'fuckin' cockblocker' before he pulled slightly away from me. I chuckled at him which earned me a playful glare. Jane looked over at me and rolled her eyes as her and Charlie settled on the porch swing.

"So, what you kids getting into tonight?" Charlie asked.

"Oh, you know, hitting a few strip clubs, maybe a rave or two, the usual," I shrugged casually. The look I received from Charlie could only be described as withering, which totally made me laugh, much to his dismay.

"We're going out to my grandparents farm with Em and Rose for a few hours then heading over to Mike house for a get together," Edward said giving me the side eye. Suck up.

"What are you going to do at your grandparents farm?" Jane asked in confusion.

"They have this really cool projector that I hooked up to the side of the barn, there are a couple of really good games on tonight that we wanted to catch. I even set up a fire pit so we won't be freezing our asses off," Edward said proudly. Yeah, well that and our plan to have Emmett to rescue an injured mannequin by crawling through an electric fence, that we were totally telling him wasn't on. We chatted with Charlie and Jane a little more before Rose and Emmett showed up and we took off towards his grandparents place.

Edward wasn't kidding about the set up, it was fucking awesome. When we pulled up the first thing I noticed was a huge white screen hung from the side of the barn. He'd pulled out some chairs and the projector was set up in the middle with a cord running from inside of the house. In front of the chairs was a fire pit filled with a pile of wood.

"Nice job," I said with a nod of my head, coming over to stand beside him.

"Hell yeah man," Emmett yelled. "Gimmie a lighter and I'll get that fire blazin'," he said excitedly.

"Yeah, no Emmett, I'm not interested in taking any more pictures with you looking like a hairless cat," Rose said putting her hands on her hips, "your eyebrows are just now starting to fill in again." she finished shaking her head at him causing Edward and I to laugh. They were so fucking ridiculous.

"Fine," he pouted, reaching up to run his fingers over his eyebrows, "I'll get the game on the projector," he said and turned heading towards the chairs. Rose and I grabbed the cooler from the back of the car and followed them over. She reached in and pulled out a couple of plastic shot glassed and some kind of flavored vodka.

"What's that?" I asked, nodding towards the bottle as I took a shot glass from her and settled into one of the chairs.

"Cake flavored vodka." She sighed all dreamily and shit. I think she may have even stroked the bottle. She reached over and poured some in my glass before filling her own. "Think about it Bella, you get drunk off of liquor that tastes like your having a bite of cake every time you take a shot." She raised her glass in the air and downed her shot before smacking her lips loudly. I laughed at her before knocking back my own shot and, oh my fucking God, it really did taste like cake. Until all of the sudden it didn't.

"It burns," I choked out, cupping my throat with my free hand. Holy shit, I think my eyes might be leaking vodka. Rose was laughing at me and the guys were looking at us both like we were crazy. Meh, at this point that goes without saying.

We all settled into our seats and watched some fucking bowl game about a Music City, I

didn't really know because I was eating cake. Rose and I were on about our eighth bite when Edward caught my eye and nodded his head. Oh fuck yes, it was on like Donkey Kong. I peeked over at Rose who was watching the both of us with a raised eyebrow. Edward cleared his throat and stood reaching out his hand to help me us.

"Where are you guys going?" Emmett asked, taking a swig of Wild Turkey. That shit was fucking gross. He swore he was drinking it for seminal reasons, but I say he was drinking it because it was fucking cheap and would fuck him up

"We're going to smoke, you guys wanna come with?" Edward asked, pulling a joint out from the side of his trucker hat.

"Fuck yeah," Emmett said, stumbling to his feet. "This fucking game blows," he said, swaying. I looked over at Rose who was watching me with narrowed eyes. Fuck, I didn't think about her sneaky ass catching on. I quickly turned my back on her and ran after Edward and Emmett who were closer to the barn now, where the lighting was a little better.

We had smoked about half of the joint and were feeling pretty lit when Edward started squinting his eyes out towards the field. It took a minute of him doing this before Emmett noticed and turned to try and see what Edward was looking at.

"Whatcha lookin' at, Ed?" Emmett asked, squinting his eyes as well.

"I'm not sure, it looks like something is on the ground over there near the well. Do you see it?" Edward asked, stepping closer to the fence. I played along and walked over beside of him before sucking in a quick breath and almost choking myself. A fucking actress I was not.

"Is that an arm?" I asked, trying to sound scared. The side eye Edward gave me let me know that no, I did not, in fact, sound scared. Luckily for me, Emmett was fucked up enough not to pick up on my horrible acting skills because he fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Sucker.

"Fuck," he breathed, "it is a fucking arm. That's a fucking arm!" he yelled, pointing wildly towards the well.

"Shit," Edward said nervously, and much more convincingly than me, "dude go see if you can help. They may be hurt," he said panicked, looking around.

"Yeah...yeah, help, I need to fucking help, save lives and shit," Emmett said giving him self a pep talk. He stepped right up to the fence before turning back to look at Edward. "Dude I'm too fucking big to get through this fence without touching the lines, is it on?" he asked wide eyed.

"Fuck, yeah, hang on let me run down to the box and shut it off," Edward yelled, taking off towards the box. I looked over at Emmett before running to catch up with Edward. As soon as I got there he popped open the box and killed the power to the electric fence.

"Go!" Edward shouted to Emmett who tapped the line once before pulling it up and sliding between the top and middle line. Then he was running, shit I didn't know a big drunk guy could move like that, until he stumbled and fell flat on his fucking face. Ah, that's more like it. He jumped to his feet and took off again. Just before he got to the well, Rose sauntered up beside me with her phone open and the camera light on.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, looking between her and Emmett. I didn't want to miss this shit.

"I don't know what you two pranksters are up to, but I do know there's no fucking way in hell I'm not recording this shit," she said casually. God I loved this chick.

"Watch this shit," I chuckled. As soon as I said it, I heard Emmett gag.

"Oh my fuck," he yelled gagging and trying to cover his nose. "Dude, I think they're fucking dead," he said, sounding fucking terrified. Awesome.

"Fucking check and see Emmett, don't just fucking stand there," Edward yelled angrily. Damn, that was kinda fucking hot.

"But, dude," he whined, looking over at us.

"Come on baby, you'll be a fucking hero, you'll probably even get on the news," Rose yelled encouragingly, " just grab the body and get you ass over here," she finished, winking at me.

Emmett seemed to think about it for a second before yelling 'fuck it' and bent over scooping up the 'body' and crushing it to his chest. And then he stopped right in his fucking tracks.

For what seemed like forever he just stood there looking confused before his face contorted like fucking Incredible Hulk. He was fucking pissed. He dropped the mannequin with a thud except for the head, which came off in his arm. He lifted it to his nose and sniffed before grasping the mannequin's hair and marching straight towards us.

"You fuckers are dead," he seethed, still clutching the mannequin's head.

"Oh, good call on the deer repellent, Edward," I said and gave him a high five.

"Oh God, you didn't," Rose laughed trying to hold her phone steady.

"Yup," Edward nodded, "I think I used up about three bottles soaking that fucking mannequin's clothes from head to toe. I even put some in a sandwich bag in the front pocket of the shirt and left it open. I'm pretty sure it just fucking gushed out on him as soon as he picked it up." he said turning towards the box.

"Juice him," I murmured as Edward cut the power back on to the fence and turned the voltage to its lowest setting. Emmett looked like he was about to kill us both, so maybe it was a good thing that there was a now live electric fence between us.

Emmett glared at us then bent down and grabbed the middle line at the same time he flung his leg over it and the sound that came from his should never, ever, _ever _come from a man. It was a shrill high pitched screech that made me cross my legs, really fucking tight, just in case the piss pants disease was back. But that wasn't even the best part, the best part was when the shock hit his hand he jumped up causing his back to make contact with the top line since he was now sandwiched in between the two.

"Owie, motherfuck!" he cried, ducking down so his back was no longer touching the top line, unfortunately for Emmett he was not straddling the middle line from his crotch all the way to his chest. Rose was on the ground, her camera forgotten, I was bouncing around doing the pee dance holding that shit in for all I was worth, and Edward, he had real fucking tears running rivers down his face.

"Good call on not juicing him _before_ he was covered in deer repellent," he choked out coming over to me. Emmett made one more circuit from back to front before he rolled to his side and fell onto the grass.

"You two are some evil mother fuckers," Rose giggled. "I'm so glad you're my friends," she laughed, slowly standing on her feet and walking over to Emmett.

"Fuck, you reek," she laughed, leaning over him and taking his picture.

"I hate you fuckers," he muttered holding his junk.

"Well, that was fun," I sighed wiping under my eyes. "Let's hit up the party now," I said, like frying our friend was an every day occurrence. Edward chuckled and walked up beside me throwing his arm over my shoulder.

"We make a hell of a team, don't we?"

"You bet your ass we do," I laughed, just before a mannequin head came flying past me. Fuck that thing stunk. How in the hell were we supposed to ride in the damn car with Emmett smelling like that? I wonder if we could tie him to the roof?Edward walked over to the side of the barn and grabbed a duffel bag then tossed it to Emmett and winked.

"I brought him clothes, I figured there was no reason for all of us to suffer, it'll still be rank, but muted a little."

Emmett grumbled and huffed and puffed, but in the end had to admit that we totally owned his ass. After he used some wet wipes to try and take some of the stench off, he changed clothes and we all piled into his car.

We were still laughing about Emmett's freak out with the mannequin when Emmett started to let off the gas, letting the car slow down.

"Is there a cop ahead?" Edward asked as he put the joint out with the bottom of his shoe.

"Uh, no..." Emmett answered, sounding distracted. "I think something is wrong with the car."

"Stop fucking around," Rose said as the car slowed to a complete stop.

"I'm not fucking around," Emmett said seriously and stared blankly at the dashboard before pounding his fist on the steering wheel. "Dude. Shit balls."

"Hilarious, Emmett. You trying to get us back for making you pee your pants earlier?" I asked as Edward laughed loudly beside me.

"Fuck you, Swan, I didn't pee my pants and I'm not fucking around, I swear." He put the car in park and pulled the keys out of the ignition before trying to start the car. "What the shit?"

I started cracking up, not because I was high, but because I knew he was trying to fuck with us. "Right, Emmett. This is like last week after we smoked and you fucked with us claiming the brakes went out as we reached a red light."

"Or the time you pretended you broke your leg and started crying and made us take you to the hospital," Rose added while snorting out laughter. "God, that was funny."

"Dude. I really did break my leg. I had a cast on for six months," Emmett deadpanned.

"Oh, fuck, that's right." Rose paused. "God, that was funny."

Edward leaned forward, sticking his head between the front seats and asked, "So, fuck. You know what? Remember when I said we needed to fill up before heading out?"

"Yeah?" Emmett asked.

"That meant we should have filled up before we headed out," Edward explained before sitting back against the seat, resting his hand on my thigh.

Rose slapped the back of Emmett's head, which he totally fucking deserved.

"What? You think I want to be stranded out here? I'm gonna fucking miss the bowl game tomorrow!" Emmett said with a sigh.

"Screw that, we are not going to be stranded out here all night, you moron. We have cell phones. This isn't some stupid fucking horror movie where we suddenly have zero service," I deadpanned. Edward and Rose simultaneously pulled out their cell phones and stared at me. "Seriously?" I asked, refraining from rolling my eyes.

"I've got zero bars," Edward laughed and quietly cursed AT&T.

"Okay, well. I guess this is how we're spending our New Year's Even then. In a car," I began with a shrug.

"So, now we have to skip Mike's party..." Rose trailed off and turned towards the back seat, gauging mine and Edward's reaction

"Yeah, no socializing with all of our interesting classmates," Edward added, sighing dramatically.

"Fuck it," Emmett blurted out and pulled out a bottle from the glove box. "This is much better than spending New Year's with Mike fuckface Newton."

Edward grabbed the bottle and gave me a sly smirk. "Might as well, right? Since we're stranded," he said, screwing the cap off and taking a swig.

Rose pulled the pipe out of her purse and added, "Since we're goin' to hell," then flicked her lighter.

"I don't know about y'all, but...best New Year's ever?" I asked as I grabbed the bottle from Edward.

He smiled and leaned over, bringing his lips to mine. "Definitely."

"Yeah, this is great and all but I swear to God if we aren't back tomorrow for the bowl game..." Emmett trailed off and accepted the pipe from Rose.

"Whatever, we're totally going to make it back in time. And it's not like either team playing is anyone you care about," Rose added, cocking an eyebrow. "Maybe if Auburn were playing then yeah, I'd be a little more worried about being back in time."

"Ah, fuck. If Auburn were playing we'd have tickets. But I have faith once we're there they will kick ass," Emmett drawled. "I'm a lucky charm."

"No. You're a crazy asshole," Rose chuckled and poked his shoulder. "Seriously though, I can't fucking wait to be there next year. I'm just glad I'll be there with you to keep your ass in line."

I felt Edward's eyes on me as I cleared my throat and looked down at my hands.

"Yeah, right, like you can keep my ass in line," Emmett joked and kissed Rose's cheek.

Edward brushed my cheek with his hand and I looked over at him with a small smile as Rose and Emmett fought over what music to play.

"Hey," Edward whispered against my neck. "What's going on in there?"

I shrugged and turned to face him, tangling my fingers in his hair. He hummed and leaned into my touch as I said, "I don't know. Nothing. I'm glad we're together right now though."

"Me too," he whispered.

"And even though we're stranded on the side of the road, I'm having fun."

"Me too."

"And I really do love you..."

Edward searched my face for a moment before kissing me. "Me too," he mumbled against my lips.

"Keep it in your pants, motherfucks. Jesus Christ," Rose snorted as Edward pulled away. I flipped her off and laughed, falling against the seat.

"Hey," Edward tugged a piece of my hair. "Happy New Year, Pockets."

Smiling, I scooted closer to him and he wrapped his arm around me. It was going to be a good year, I knew that for a fucking fact. But there was a small part of me that felt sick that everyone kept talking about the future and what was to come when all of the plans I had made suddenly felt completely wrong.

_I'm never letting Emmett drive me anywhere again..._

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><p><strong>AN-**

**Liv- So tomorrow...**

**Meg- Yeah. We get to wreak havoc together tomorrow...and for the next 4 days.**

**Liv- I am so effing excited, you think any of our readers will post bail money for us?**

**Meg- Of course they will. They'll want their weekly updates & that might be a little hard for us to do from jail.**

**Liv- 'Course it might be a little hard to do from my house too with both of us posted up in the liquor closet on the floor.**

**Meg- Nonsense. I bet you get great wifi in the liquor closet.**

**Liv- LOL, I've never actually tried to write while in there, we could cover up our drinking problem in the name of research, yeah?**

**Meg- Pretty sure that's what we've been doing since we started writing this story.**

**Liv- Shit, yeah, that's true. Well in that case, cheers to research!**

**Meg- Holler.**

**Happy Thanksgiving everyone!**


	17. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen<strong>

It was three in the morning when I finally stumbled through my front door, bleary eyed, slightly drunk, and definitely ripe. It seemed even though Emmett had changed clothes it did nothing to lessen the stench that had soaked into his skin. Add a bottle of liquor and a small enclosed space, yeah, fucking foul.

"Are you guys okay?" Jane asked, scaring the shit out of me. I looked up to see her peeking around the doorway from the living room with a glass of water in her hand. She moved to come closer to me before she stopped and covered her mouth, her face scrunching up and her eyes watering.

"Oh my fuck, Bella, what in the hell have you been into?" she gagged, stepping back. I couldn't help it, I laughed. She must think all of us were out of our fucking minds with the exploding turkeys, pissy pants, weed brownies, and everything else she had witnessed since she'd started dating Charlie. Oh well, I might as well indulge her.

"Well, it started when I found a mannequin in the attic and we decided to play a prank on Emmett. So, Edward bought some deer repellent-" I said animatedly before she cut me off.

"You can stop at deer repellent, it answers the question of why every living, breathing thing within a ten mile radius is running away from you right now. You'll never get that smell out of those clothes, so I suggest you burn them," she said before stopping and narrowing her eyes at me. "On second thought, put 'em in a trash bag out on the back porch. You guys don't exactly have the best track record with fire," she said with a shake of her head. I laughed and nodded my head. After all of the alcohol we'd consumed tonight it was highly possible that I was flammable.

"So, quickly, you guys are alright?" she asked, setting the glass of water down on the coffee table and motioning with her hand for me to take it.

"Yeah." I sighed, swaying a bit as I made my way over to the glass. "Emmett forgot to put gas in the car, so of course we ran out in the exact spot where no one has cell service," I said, rolling my eyes.

"When Alice and Jasper called here looking for you guys because you never showed up to the Newton kid's party we started to go look for you, but Jasper said they were all ready in his truck on the way Edward's grandparents," she said, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. "He called back when he had cell service and let us know that you were fine and would be home soon."

It was then that I noticed Charlie's snoring was much louder than usual and coming from...the living room? I looked around the corner and noticed Charlie was sprawled out on the sofa, his head falling off the side and his mouth hanging wide open. The recliner had the phone sitting on the arm, a blanket thrown across the foot, and a stack of what looked like file folders in the seat. The lamp beside of the chair was on with a cup of something sitting on the table.

"Were you waiting up for me?" I asked, shocked and a little emotional if I was being perfectly fucking honest. Charlie had never waited up for me before, well half the time Charlie didn't even know that I was gone because he was so baked and I was a sneaky little shit that could sneak out of about anywhere.

"Of course," she said, like my asking was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard.

"Wow. That's..." I trailed off with a blank stare. Cause, really? This was so foreign and new to me. "I don't even know what to say," I finished, causing Jane to laugh.

"Bella. You don't have to say anything," she affirmed, softening her stare. "It's fine."

"No, really, like...should I bake you something? Meaning I'll jack some cupcakes from Ms. Esme's bakery."

"Please don't," Jane interrupted and laughed, causing Charlie to stir awake.

"I don't even like turkey," Charlie grumbled as he startled awake. He blinked twice before sitting up and turning towards Jane and me. "Oh, hey. You're home."

"Yes, I am," I said, clearing my throat. "And you're...dreaming about turkeys." I waited half a second before I was in hysterics.

Charlie shook his head and stood from his chair. "I wouldn't call them dreams. That's all I'm saying." He walked a few steps in my direction before stopping and sniffing the air then his armpit before turning his gaze towards me.

"Is that you?" Charlie asked, bringing his hand to his face to cover his nose while stepping away from me.

Jane laughed. "Yeah, that's her. She repels people and technology since no one's phone worked tonight when they ran out of gas." I glared at her; I knew I fucking stunk. Then I smiled big and sweet and loving, she looked at me and narrowed her eyes.

"But the fact that you and Jane waited up for me, you guys, I'm touched," I said, wiping a fake tear from underneath my eye and taking a step towards them as both of their eyes widened.

"I think we need a group hug," I yelled and sprinted, stumbled, towards Jane. She let out a screeching laugh and started to run.

"You better not, Bella," she screamed, choking as she tried to stop from laughing. Charlie, finally realizing what the hell I was about to do, decided it was every man for himself and turned to run only to plow right into Jane. Perfect. I reached them both at the same time and wrapped my arms around them both tightly.

"I love you guys," I said, rubbing my arms on them and sticking my head in between them letting my hair fall in their face. I guess Emmett giving me a noogie turned out not to be a bad thing after all.

"Oh God," Charlie groaned, his chest heaving.

"Don't you puke on me," Jane yelled, trying to wiggle out of my arms and get away from deer repellent and possible projectile vomiting. I released them both and took a step back, a huge smile on my face. Both Charlie and Jane looked green, they hadn't had hours of being shut up with the awful smelling shit to lose their sense of smell, poor fuckers.

"This is no time of day to deal with this kind of shit," Charlie burped, causing Jane to give him the side eye and step back.

"Well, this has been great, good old family bonding," I sighed, catching Jane's soft smile at my comment. "We should do this again sometime." I grinned, causing Jane to roll her eyes.

"Have a lovely night, morning, whatever the hell it is. I'm going to defunk myself," I said with a nod then turned and ran up the stairs.

The next day we all kicked back, got baked, and watched football all day. Edward and Rose retold the story of our epic prank leaving both of them gasping for air from laughter. In turn, Alice and Jasper recounted what the four of us looked like when they found us that night in the car.

"I swear," Jasper laughed, "the smell coming from your car dude, I thought y'all were dead," he said seriously, looking over at Emmett who had his face in his hands.

"Emmett and Rose especially," Alice added, snickering. "You were both flopped out across your seats, legs tangled and bent, necks all twisted at weird angles with drool running out of your mouths," she laughed, her shoulders shaking.

"Which we thought was blood," Jasper interrupted, "until we saw all of the cherry Blowpop wrappers all over the place," he added. Edward and I were listened as they retold the story, laughing at the way Rose's face turned red.

"What are you two laughing about?" she asked with a raised brow. "Was your position really that much better?"

"Rose," Alice whispered, "they were practically having sex in their sleep, it was kinda hot to be honest," she admitted, looking at her hands as her face turned bright red.

"And fuck, if I gotta die," Edward said smiling over at me, "I can't think of a better fucking way to go," he laughed, leaning over and giving me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Well, well, well, I didn't know we had a voyeur in the bunch," Emmett goaded, leering at Alice.

"Oh leave her alone, Freddy Kruger," I said, eyeing the small burn line on his neck. It wasn't bad, and I did feel bad that he was actually burnt, but that was no reason to pick on Alice when this is the most I've heard her speak at one time. She looked over and gave me a smile causing Jasper to chuckle and pull her into his side. So fucking cute.

"Anyway," Emmett cut in, clearing his throat, "what are your plans next week while the rest of us are stuck at school, Laila Ali?"

"Oh you know, floatin' like a butterfly, stingin' like a bee," I laughed, putting my fists in front of my face, bobbing and weaving, causing everyone to laugh with me.

"Seriously though," I sighed, "Monday starts my two weeks of being grounded, so I thought I might do like the rest of you guys and see about finding a job," I said, looking around at everyone.

"Hell yes!" Emmett yelled, causing me to jump. "You can come back to work with me." He smiled, holding his fist out for me to bump. I just stared at it, this fucker had lost his mind.

"You can't be serious," I deadpanned. "There's no way in fucking hell I will ever voluntarily shovel shit again as long as I live."

"I think they have an opening in the kitchen at the diner if you're interested," Jasper added.

"Bella and a room full of knives?" Rose asked, waiting for everyone to realize what a monumental fucking disaster that would be. Jasper winced, before looking over at me.

"Yeah, maybe you just forget I said that," he mumbled, causing me to laugh.

"Forgotten." I agreed.

"Well, they're hiring another greeter at the Piggly Wiggly, but I don't think your lack of filter would keep you employed very long," Alice chuckled. "I can hear you now, 'Welcome to Piggly Wiggly, are those pork chops taped to your arms or do you really need to avoid Rose and her sticky buns'?" We all cracked up laughing then, because I could totally hear myself saying some shit like that.

"You could come work at the store," Edward whispered, pulling me to his side. "All of Ben's after school shit has really cut his hours back and I'm working almost every day. We wouldn't get to work together because having two people there isn't necessary, but there are no knives and your lack of filter would be much less of an issue," he chuckled, kissing my ear. I remembered thinking about working there before and cut my eyes over to Emmett and Jasper.

"You guys ever seen the movie Clerks?" I asked, both of them looking at me strangely while Edward started laughing, having already heard my idea.

"Yeah," they both said.

"Excellent," I cheered. "You mean it, there won't be a problem with me working there?" I asked Edward.

"Nope. Plus now I'll at least get to see you some while you're grounded. Charlie won't ground you from going to work at your part time job, will he?" He asked looking cute and hopeful and up to no good, just the way I liked it.

"No, I think he'll be happy that I'm doing something productive without it involving a court hearing," I joked. "As much as I hate to, I really should get home and give him the good news," I sighed.

Edward and I gabbed our shit and told everyone we'd see them later. He called his mom on the way to my house to let her know that I'd would be picking up the shifts Ben had dropped and that he was going to start my training tomorrow. The wolfish look he gave me when he got to the training part let me know that 'over the counter' was going to mean something very different to me soon. He kissed me bye and let me know to be at the store around four tomorrow afternoon.

I walked into the house and yelled out for Charlie. The house was lit up like Jane was performing some kind of seance with all of the damn candles she had lit all over the room. It was an odd mixture of apple cinnamon and deer repellent, so pretty much worse than what it was to begin with.

"In the kitchen, Bells," Charlie yelled as I followed the sound of his voice.

"Hey, I have news," I said, cutting straight to the point. He looked at me a raised an eyebrow while shoving a huge bite of ham sandwich into his mouth. I noticed he had about eight different kinds of food spread out all over the counter top . Excellent, Charlie was stoned.

"I got a job today," I said, snatching away a bag of chips before he could stop me. He narrowed his eyes at me, then the bag, like he could will it back into his possession. I ripped the bag open and shoved a huge mouthful of chips into my mouth.

"Yuhmp," I mumbled.

"And how exactly did you manage that since most places are closed on New Year's Day?"

"Cause I got mad skills, Pop, dontcha know?" I rapped. Cause fuck, just cause I live in the boonies didn't mean I forgot how to drop a beat. Charlie just stared at me blankly, not appreciating my mad flow. I rolled my eyes at him and hopped up on the counter handing him the bag of chips, which he grabbed and then shoved in his face like a rabid dog.

"This guy, Ben, who works at the Kum and Go has some after school shit he has to do this semester and had his hours cut way back. I'm picking up the extra shifts so Edward won't have to work everyday," I explained, tentatively reaching in the bag for a chip, I didn't want to lose a finger or anything. Charlie pursed his lips at me before grinning widely.

"I bet Emmett would be willing to pick up those shifts at the store so you could go and work with Carlisle," Charlie suggested, looking like the cat who ate the canary. I laughed, long and loud, because apparently Charlie's got jokes.

"You know what, I bet he would be willing to do that," I said excitedly, causing Charlie's face to scrunch up in confusion.

"Yo-, you'd be okay with that?" Charlie stuttered.

"Sure," I clapped, "that would give me all kind of extra time to help Dr. C plan out the next excursion for the two of you," I exclaimed, bouncing on my toes. I put my finger to my chin, tapping it twice. "Maybe next time you guys can go on a whole weekend retreat, just you, Dr. C, and nature," I sighed barely holding back my laughter as I watched Charlie's face pale.

"I think you'll really enjoy working at the store with Edward, and that counting can help you work on your...counting skills," Charlie trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Are you sure?" I asked in mock confusion. Doesn't this man know better than to try and out smart me after he's baked? Amateur.

"Yes, positive," he affirmed, nodding his head stiffly.

"Well good, I'm glad that's settled. I have to be at work tomorrow at four for training, so I'll see you tomorrow night," I called, already heading towards the stairs. I could have sworn I heard him whisper 'what the fuck just happened?' as I hit the bottom step.

The next day dragged, being truly alone in the house was pretty fucking awful so I tried to keep myself as busy as possible. I grabbed my camera and new lenses from Christmas and headed out to the back yard. There was something very pretty about capturing how the cold put so many things in nature dormant, while other aspects of thrived, unwilling to have the season change affect its color and beauty.

Before I realized it, the day had slipped by and it was close to four o'clock. I ran into the house, changing clothes really quick, then scooped up my camera on the way out the door. I didn't know how much actual work Edward planned on us really getting done, but I wanted the chance to scroll through all of the pictures I had taken today if I had the time.

I drove myself to the store since Edward was already working. I walked in and he greeted me with a kiss and a pack of M&M's.

"Don't worry, you won't crack a molar. I got these from my house," he assured and I popped a handful in my mouth.

"Well, show me how to become an awesome employee," I teased and watched him walk across the store.

"Well, this," he flicked the light off, then on, "is called a light switch. You'll need to make sure to turn these on when you walk in."

"A light switch," I deadpanned. "Do you have a pen and paper? I might need to write this down," I finished, throwing an M&M at his face.

"Feisty. Hey, and don't waste those!" he scolded, leaning down to pick up the M&M.

"Okay, what's next?"

"I'm assuming you know how to count money? If not, we have a calculator over there somewhere. Ben likes to use it," Edward said with a laugh.

"Do I get to wear a vest?"

"Mm." He walked over to me and grabbed my ass, pulling me up against him. "Only if you don't wear anything under it."

"Ooh, do Kum and Go employees turn you on?" I asked in a low voice.

"Well, shit. Seeing as how Ben and I are the only employees, that might be a little weird," Edward drawled, placing a kiss on my nose.

For the next few hours Edward walked me through everything I would need to know when I was here by myself. He had just handed me a set of keys when the bell above the door rang.

"Put your hands up, bitches," Jasper yelled as he walked into the store. "Empty the register."

"I'm pretty sure there's like five bucks in change and a Tic Tac in there, but by all means." Edward shrugged and nodded towards the register.

"Aren't you supposed to be teaching her shit? Like, uh...what is it exactly that you do here?" Jasper asked.

"He went over the essentials and then we got bored, so now we're picking up random things in the store and seeing which has the oldest expiration date," I laughed and tossed a candy corn at him. "I'm winning so far."

"Yeah, I wouldn't brag about that," Edward scoffed.

"I guess since y'all are busy, y'all won't want to smoke this joint I brought with me..." Jasper trailed off with raised eyebrows.

"Don't be ridiculous. Ms. Swan, we can now take our break," Edward said in a professional tone.

"How long do breaks last?" Jasper asked as we walked out back.

"However fucking long it takes to smoke this joint," Edward drawled, sending me a smirk.

It didn't take long to smoke the joint at all, but time fucking passed as the three of us sat out back, cutting up and fucking around. I ran out to my car and grabbed my camera at one point, wanting to show off the shots I took earlier.

"Damn, Bella, these pictures are really fucking good," Jasper commented, with what I'd like to think was a hint of awe.

"Yeah, I took those with the new lenses Edward bought me for Christmas," I said, smiling over at Edward who winked back at me.

"So you knew she was into taking pictures and shit?" he asked Edward, earning and eye roll from him.

"Of course I fucking knew," Edward laughed. "She is my girlfriend, we do talk about shit, you know," he finished, smiling over at me.

"So, do you plan on majoring in photography next year?" Jasper asked, causing me to shift nervously. I cut my eyes to Edward who had suddenly found the rock at his feet the most interesting fucking thing out here.

"Uh, yeah," I stuttered. "I applied to an art school in NYC, it's one of the best in the country and I actually got in. Apparently they turn down way more people than they accept, so for me to get in my first time applying is a really big deal," I trailed off, noticing Edward staring at me with a small smile on his face. I could tell that he was proud of me, but there was something else there too and I really wished I wasn't so fucking high so I could figure out what the fuck it was.

"Wow, New York is a really long way away," Jasper said, looking between Edward and me. Why the fuck did he have to go and bring this shit up right now, ruining a perfectly awesome fucking night.

"Jasper's apparently really good at geography," Edward explained with a grin as Jasper told him to 'fuck off'.

"Edward's apparently really good at...being dumb," Jasper came back lamely.

"No more weed for you, my friend," Edward sighed contently.

"Whatever, I need to go help Alice and her mom put up Valentine's decorations outside their house," Jasper began and what the fuck? "Don't look at me like that," Jasper scolded.

"Valentine's decorations," I deadpanned. "Why the motherfuck?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, "but they decorate for every holiday. You should see the set up for Easter. It's fucking sweet."

"Go," I shooed him away. "You're legit freaking me out right now, making me think of the Easter Bunny hopping around in Alice's yard while Emmett chases it to try to stuff it."

Edward and Jasper stared blankly at me.

"What? Don't look at me like _I'm _the weirdo!" I shrieked as they busted out with laughter.

"Whatever, see y'all later," Jasper drawled and walked around the side of the store.

Edward stared at me for a second before grabbing my hand. "C'mere," he whispered and stared down at me with the same expression from a few minutes ago.

"What?" I asked, cocking my head to the side.

"What what?" He smiled and kissed me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I finally asked and waited for his response. Instead, he rubbed adjusted his hat and kissed me again.

"I'm just looking at you, Pockets." He cleared his throat and said, "We can probably leave, if you want. I think you pretty much know what you're doing here."

"Alright," I agreed with a nod.

"Wanna watch a movie or something at my place?" he asked and tugged the belt loop on my jeans.

"Alright," I agreed again, kissing his neck. "That sounds good."

"We can go over how to close down the store real quick, even though you won't be doing that yourself, anyway," Edward explained as we walked inside.

"What do you mean? Ben had a few shifts that lasted until after nine, right?" I asked in confusion. Why the hell wouldn't I be closing down the store?

"Right," Edward agreed and walked behind the counter.

"Okay, so...I thought I was just taking over Ben's shifts."

"You are, baby," he said, giving me an odd look.

"So, that means I'd close," I stated as Edward locked the register and nodded.

"Well, I figured on the days you'll close late, my dad or I will come over and close for you. Or something." Edward shifted as I stared at him in confusion. "We haven't really worked all of that out yet, but yeah."

"I can't close by myself because...I'm a girl?"

"Pockets. It's not like that. It's nothing." Edward laughed and shut off all the lights in the store. I walked over to him and turned them back on, not wanting to let this go just yet.

"It is like that! It's not nothing. It's something and...and..." I watched the amusement on his face as I stuttered.

"Look," he said, grabbing my face with both of his hands, "I'm not trying to make you mad but I'd just feel safer with you not being here by yourself that late. Besides, it was my mom & dad's idea, anyway. They suggested it."

"Okay, so...unsuggest it then," I requested and watched his jaw tighten in response.

"Baby, come on. It's not a big deal. Seriously, I'd go fucking crazy if something happened to you," he spoke lowly.

"This is Intercourse," I said in a firm voice. "Not New York."

Edward dropped his hands from my face and let out a humorless chuckle. "Yes. I'm aware of that."

I looked down then back up and met his eyes, wishing I hadn't looked away in the first place. And also fucking wishing I hadn't opened my big ass mouth. "Not that New York isn't safe, I just meant-"

"I know what you meant," he said flatly before dropping his head.

It was silent for a moment as I bit my thumbnail, not exactly sure what to say. Edward coughed and I watched him walk behind the counter to grab his keys.

"I'm not trying to smother you," he said quietly, with his back turned to me. "Seriously, I just don't want to worry about you."

"Then don't," I offered lamely. "You don't have to worry about me."

"I can't not worry about you," he said, even quieter this time.

I walked over to him and tugged on his arm, forcing him to stare down and meet my eyes. "Hey, seriously. It's intercourse. I'm pretty sure the only people you have to worry about are the ones I am already friends with," I said lightly, trying to make him laugh.

"I'm not talking about Intercourse." Edward shook his head and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. "I'm talking about New York."

"Oh. What about New York?" I asked hesitantly.

"I don't know..." he started, then stopped.

"We have time to figure all of that out," I finished for him, fully knowing that putting this off wouldn't make it go away or solve anything.

"Okay, but if we keep saying that and putting it off then it will be August and you'll be gone and I'll be a whiny little bitch," he said with a small laugh.

"What do we need to figure out?" I asked, biting my lower lip. "You'll be gone, too. I'm not the only one leaving. You'll be in Texas," I pointed out, because why was he making it sound like I was the only one in this?

"I know, I know," he said softly. "I just...didn't think you really thought it was all that great in New York and then you come out and say you're going back. I guess it confused me, s'all."

"I don't think I ever really said anything about New York not being great, did I?"

"Pockets. A few minutes ago you used New York to prove that Intercourse is safe. I mean, shit," he laughed with exasperation. "That didn't really make me feel any better."

"New York is fine! I used to walk home at three a.m. all the time. I took the subway by myself. Nothing happened. I never even had to bust out my can of mace!"

"Just because nothing happened doesn't mean it can't," Edward argued and hopped onto the counter, pulling me to stand between his legs. "Hey. I care about you."

"Hi," I replied and he laughed. "I care about you, too," I admitted. "What exactly are you saying though?" I asked, waiting for him to say the words. Why wouldn't he just say them? That he wanted me to go to Texas with him. That he wanted us to be together. Is that what he wanted? Is that what I wanted?

He brushed my cheek with his hand and my eyes snapped to his. Fuck, I knew I wanted him. I did.

"What is this about? Are you wanting me to go to Texas with you?" I questioned, grabbing his hand that was touching my cheek.

His eyes bounced from my eyes, mouth, then back to my eyes. "I'm just...saying that I want you, Pockets," he murmured and dropped his forehead against mine.

I sighed because he wanted to talk about this and we somehow managed to dance around the subject yet again.

"So, we still didn't figure anything out," I sighed. "Except for one thing."

"What's that?" He pulled back waited.

"That I am totally going to be able to close the store," I paused for dramatics, "by _myself_."

"Fine." Edward rolled his eyes. "If you really want to close the store," he paused and gave me a look, "by _yourself_, then fine. Do it. Who am I to stop you?"

"I'm gonna close the shit outta this place. Just you wait and see," I teased as he hopped off the counter and shut off the lights so we could leave.

We were halfway to his house when I realized, shit, I was grounded and I probably wasn't actually supposed to be going over to my boyfriend's house to watch a movie. I pulled over on the side of the road, waiting for him to pull up next to me. He leaned over and rolled down his passenger window and asked what was wrong.

"Fuck, I forgot I am still grounded," I yelled as he dropped his head.

"Ah, shit," he laughed, "that's right. Well, you want me to just follow you to your house?" he asked as I put my car in park and got out.

"It's okay, I'll just say bye to you here," I said, crawling into his truck, scooting closer to him. Edward drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and grabbed me with his other hand, nuzzling his head against my neck.

"I'll see you tomorrow, right?" I asked and he nodded, kissing me twice.

"Call me later if you want," he called out as I hopped out of the truck.

I ran in the house and ate a quick dinner, telling Charlie and Jane about what I'd be doing at the store. Which took all of two seconds because, really, this was going to be the easiest fucking job ever.

After dinner I decided to call it an early night, so I showered and threw on some pajamas before crawling into bed. It was almost nine, but I didn't care. I started to think back to the day's events and began to grow nervous as I thought of the disagreement Edward and I had about me closing the store.

Was that our first fight? We didn't yell or anything, but I was a little bitchy. He was just trying to be sweet but, for some reason, I had to pick a fight. We've definitely disagreed before, not anything that lasted long or was about anything that mattered. I mean, I guess I won the fight, but it didn't it feel like it. And, turns out, I didn't want to win after all.

My thoughts were immediately on our side-of-the-road goodbye and I realized his tone was off. Thankfully I didn't have time for a proper freak out because not even a split second later, I heard a tap on my window and knew exactly who it was.

"Hey, baby," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes and walking back to the bed.

"I didn't think you'd already be asleep," he whispered and followed me to the bed, kicking off his shoes.

We crawled under the blankets and his arms were immediately wrapped around me. I snuggled into his side and lazily kissed his neck before closing my eyes.

"Hey," he said in a voice so soft I wouldn't have heard him if I weren't lying against his chest. I opened one eye. "Are we okay?" he mumbled, slightly pulling back to stare at me.

I opened both eyes. "Of course we're okay. More than okay, you know that," I admitted and watched his face break out into a grin. "I like that smile, you know," I said with a yawn, feeling his hand rest between the skin on my hip and the waistband of my shorts.

"Which smile, baby?"

"The one you just smiled. I don't know, it's different from your other smiles. It's like..." I thought for a second, then realized I didn't need to think about it at all. "Your grin gets a little wider, and you get these crinkles around your eyes, and there's no fucking way you can rein that shit in because you're-"

"Because I'm looking at you?" he asked as his face turned serious while tracing small circle on my hip.

"Yeah," I swallowed. "Exactly."

"That's my favorite smile of yours, too," he whispered and I shifted, hitching my leg over his.

"My eyes don't crinkle," I teased.

"You're right, they don't," he cleared his throat, "but they do change when you look at me."

"Yeah?" I asked, even though I knew they changed when looking at him. Everything was different; better. My whole fucking demeanor changed. I was drawn to him, and him me, and there was no denying that at fucking all.

"Yeah." His gaze softened and he opened his mouth to speak before shutting it completely. A small smile played with his lips before he finally spoke. "Your smile doesn't get wider, but softer. Like, you don't want anyone else to notice that you're fucking ecstatic, but you are."

I breathed against his neck and whimpered as his hands slid my shorts and underwear down my thighs.

"But then your eyes..." he trailed off as I sat up to pull my shorts over my feet, then unbuttoned and frantically pulled his pants down. I breathed out his name, yanking on his boxers before grabbing what we needed from between my mattress and box spring.

"You smile at me with your eyes. I've noticed the way you look at other people and its not the same. I don't ever want it to be the same," he groaned and that was fucking it. I needed him. We needed each other. We needed to know that we weren't going anywhere, even if just for now.

His fingers lightly probed, but I was ready, so fucking ready. I shook my head and he sat up, back resting against the headboard. We pulled each other's shirts off, and I moved quietly so I could straddle his thighs, then slowly slid down onto him. He whispered my name and I moved up, sliding back down at an excruciatingly slow speed. His fingers grazed down my back, causing me to shiver at his rough, needy touch.

"I don't ever want it to be the same, either," I whispered as we moved against each other, repeating the words he just said to me.

"It won't," he promised and brought his lips to mine. "Fuck, baby. It won't. It can't."

"I know," I whimpered, not realizing how fucking emotional I was getting.

He grabbed my boob, bringing it to his mouth and I panted, moaned his name, not wanting this to end because I wanted him. Always. And he felt the same; he had to feel the same.

"Fuck, this feels-"

"I feel it, baby," he murmured as I tangled my fingers in his hair. "I do."

His kisses were lazy and all consuming. Mine were frantic and desperate. He groaned and I gasped; I tried my best to breathe, but he was making it so hard. I bit down on his shoulder, trying to quiet myself, but we were connected and all I could think about was him.

"I fucking love you, Bella," he panted, moving faster. I rested one hand on the headboard above me as he looked me in the eyes, pushing the hair out of my face.

With one hand on my hip and the other between us, he moved my body for me because I was fucking done and he knew it. He knew what he did to me and he did it so well. I couldn't last any longer as I silently convulsed, feeling everything; just everything.

I wrapped my arms around his neck for leverage and moments later I heard him cursing and felt him shaking and I knew he was done too.

"I love you, too," I said, catching my breath. "And I'm just scared and I don't know what I want to do or what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know if I even want to know. Does that make sense?" I blurted out.

"Yes," he breathed.

I discreetly wiped my eye because, fuck, what was with me lately? First I was all sappy with Jane and Charlie and now this? It was just becoming too much for me and I didn't expect to feel this way, not at fucking all.

I was in love and I cared about weird ass people who decorated their house for Valentine's day and liked to stuff animals for fun. This was supposed to be easy, and in a way it was. Being here was too easy and that's what scared me. And then I looked at Edward, with his easy smile that was for me, only for me, and I realized that's what scared me the most. In a good fucking way.

"Hey," he mumbled, bringing me out of my thoughts.

I cleared my throat and shook my head, not wanting to kill the moment with my thoughts. And then I opened my mouth and killed it anyway. "So, do I get a raise at the store now? You know, for all of the hard work I just put in?"

"Oh, I got a raise for you," he replied with a cheeky grin, pushing his hips against mine.

"Shh," I whispered, causing Edward to freeze. I listened as heavy footsteps came up the stairs. "Shit, that's Charlie, he's probably checking on me since I came to bed so early," I said, frantically jumping out of bed.

"What do you want me to do?" Edward asked, gathering all of his clothes into his arms. I looked over at my tiny closet packed full of shit and knew there was no way he could fit in there.

"Go, out the window," I whisper yelled and shoved him across the room. He turned and looked at me incredulously then down at his naked body.

"Are you fucking serious?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"As a fucking heart attack," I answered, just as I heard Charlie knock on the door. Edward glanced at the door before whispering 'fuck' and climbed onto the windowsill. Naked. Ass in my face. Nice ass, in my face. I couldn't stop myself from giving him a little pinch and laughed when he swatted my hand away.

"Bells, you up?" Charlie called from the door. Edward turned around and gave me a quick peck before dropping all of his clothes to the ground and climbing out onto the limb of the tree.

"Yeah, I'm up," I said, pulling my pajamas back on. "Just enjoying the full moon," I said a little louder than necessary as I went to stand back by the window to watch Edward streak across my yard. He obviously heard me because I saw his arm raise up as he flipped me the bird, laughing.

"There's not a full moon tonight," Charlie said, sounding confused. I closed the window and made my way to the door.

"There is in my world," I laughed and opened the door leaning against the frame. "Did you need something?" I asked.

"I was just, uh, checking on you is all," he said while trying to discreetly peek into my room. I rolled my eyes at him waving my arm in front of me.

"Well as you can see I'm fine," I sighed, stepping back into the room. Charlie eyed he for a second, his brows pulling together.

"Then why are your clothes on backwards?" he asked suspiciously. I looked down and fuck me, I totally put my shirt and shorts on backwards.

"I'm just trying out the Criss Cross look, you know, 'Criss Cross make ya jump, jump'," I said hopping up and down and trying not to laugh at how completely fucking ridiculous I sounded right now.

"Alright, get some sleep cause you're freaking me out," Charlie sighed, giving me a face. "And tell Edward to remember to turn his parking lights off next time. Don't want to kill the battery," Charlie instructed and walked away with a knowing smile.

Well, fuck me. I didn't think he was just giving me random advice about the welfare of Edward's battery just for the fun of it. He totally just busted my ass. Or Edward's, I thought to myself, laughing.

The rest of January seemed to pass in a blur of work, school, and more school since I was having to work twice as hard to make up for all of the shit I had missed while I was suspended. Maggie wouldn't even come near me, which was fine, cause I couldn't afford to get suspended again.

Edward and I were back to normal for the most part, at least he seemed to be, anyway. I, on the other hand, found myself holding his hand a little tighter, kissing him a little harder, and staring at him a little longer. He took it all in stride, calling me a creeper for staring at him all the time, but I knew he did the same thing to me as well. He was just better at not getting caught. Well, except for making sure his parking lights were off. That was an epic failure on his part, but it was fucking awesome for me.

_I'm never gonna think of the moon the same way again._

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Liv- So we survived Thanksgiving together without ending up in jail, awesome right?**

**Meg- Yeah, so we were drunk for, like, four straight days. We could've ended up in jail & I'm pretty sure I just wouldn't remember...**  
><strong><br>Liv- Dude, remember that one time we spoke with British accents in a bar all night?**

**Meg- That's actually one of the things I DO remember *shakes head***

**Liv- And the time you thought my attic was Narnia?**  
><strong><br>Meg- And the time I had a chicken wing hanging out of my mouth and you peed your pants. Sorry, *almost* peed your pants.**

**Liv- Yeah, you better clarify that shit *laughs***  
><strong><br>Meg- Oh, god. And the time you walked away MID-THANKSGIVING MEAL to go take a nap *crickets* never letting that go.**

**Liv- It was the turkey damn it! It had NOTHING to do with the FOUR bottles of wine we drank!**  
><strong><br>Meg- *sigh* We were a mess.**  
><strong><br>Liv- And the time you made me Little Spoon?**  
><strong><br>Meg- You have no proof! Mainly because you deleted the pics your hubs took *hangs head in shame for being Big Spoon***

**Liv- Well yeah, I mean, I'm not big like Emmett, I can't threaten people and have them take me seriously, but I can press that delete button like a mother.**  
><strong><br>Meg- I think we've incriminated each other enough *glares***

**Hope y'all had a nice Thanksgiving & enjoyed the chapter! Thanks for reading!**


	18. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventeen<strong>

February. What a lame month. First you have to deal with flowers and hearts and candies and just gross sappiness in general. Add to the fact that it can't decide how many days it's gonna have from year to year, and it pushes from lame to straight up annoying.

Of course, my hatred for all things February could have to do with my shitty mood. It seemed that every day that passed felt like a weight was slowly being lowered down on my chest, crushing me and making it difficult to breathe. I knew I was being fucking dramatic, but it was like I could feel something brewing and it was making me fucking weird.

I knew that Edward could tell I was slowly losing my fucking mind, but he was good about distracting me with kisses and smiles and relentless teasing. I also knew he had something planned for tonight which also had me set on edge. Fucking Valentine's Day.

I heard Edward pull up in front of the house to pick me up for school so I yelled a quick 'peace out' to Charlie and ran out the door. I hopped in his truck and nearly fell right back out when I got a good look at him.

"What in the hell are you doing?" I laughed as he fought to keep a straight face. He had a long stemmed bright pink Gerber Daisy in his mouth like he'd just fetched me a Frisbee. He pulled the flower from his mouth dramatically before circling his wrist and presenting it to me. I shook me head at him and smiled as I took the flower from his hand.

"A flower for m'lady," he said with a cheeky grin.

"Are you high?" I asked, peeking over in the ashtray and giving him the side eye at the same time.

"Maybe a little," he laughed before leaning in and kissing me stupid.

"Okay, thank God, I thought that you might have started batting for the other team what with the mouthful of flower and all," I laughed, sniffing the flower. "And thank you, I love Gerber Daisies," I said, tucking the stem into my bag.

"I know," he said, grinning at me. "You wanna smoke some of this so I'm not the only one acting like an idiot?" he asked, pulling the joint out of the ashtray.

"You know what they say: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," I agreed, taking the joint from his hand. After killing a little time to try and not appear completely fucking stoned, we pulled into the school parking lot.

"So, hey, listen," Edward said, jogging to my side of his truck and throwing his arm over my shoulders. "I know that you don't give a fuck about all this Valentine's Day bullshit, but I would like to do something with you," he said, smiling down at me.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked suspiciously. With him, we could end up skinning fish or helping birth a pig, neither of which interested me in the least.

"I thought we could take the four wheelers out for a little while this afternoon," he said casually, like he didn't just offer me entrance into the gates of heaven.

"That," I emphasized with a grin, "would be fucking excellent." This day had potential after all.

At least I thought so until we walked into the front doors of the school. It looked like a mix between a blood bath and a bottle of Pepto Bismol that had exploded all over the walls. Seriously, when in the hell did this shit multiple, divide, and conquer and, _fuck,_ this shit was ruining my high.

"So, is Emmett going to be anything fun today? Like, does he dress up as Cupid and shoot fake hearts at people all day?" I asked, joking. Edward gave me a blank stare that wiped the smile completely off my face.

"No," I deadpanned. "Seriously?" There was just no freaking way.

"Not this year, but only because last year he thought it would be a great idea to bring a real bow and arrows with red paints balls attached to the end and shoot them at people. Let's just say Mr. Lumpit was not happy to have a huge red paint stain on his ass all day," Edward said before doubling over laughing. I was already gone though, sitting on my knees gasping for air right in the middle of the fucking hallway.

"Principle at nine o'clock, B. You better get the fuck up before he gets close enough to sniff you," Rose whisper yelled from behind me and helped me to my feet. I was still choking on my laughter and wiping the tears from under my eyes as the three of us shuffled down the hall, and away from a possible sniff test.

"What's with the geek out? Was it the cupid story?" Rose asked in amusement as soon as we turned the corner. I just nodded my head still afraid that if I spoke I was going to start laughing all over again. "Nice," she commented following me and Edward towards our lockers.

"So, what's with you two and the wake and bake?" she asked as we stood outside of my locker.

"I just wanted Pockets to loosen up, she's been kinda stressed lately," Edward said nonchalantly, but I heard what he was saying. I'd been weird and distant and not very good at hiding it. I gave him a small smile and slammed my locker shut before coming up on my tip toes and giving him a quick kiss.

"I'll see you later," I whispered before turning and walking in the opposite direction to zone out with Jasper for an hour.

The rest of the day was nothing but hearts and flowers and whose boyfriend's mom bought the biggest fucking flower arrangement. It was all fucking nauseating and I just wanted to get out of here and go with Edward to the field of heaven and just be. At lunch, Alice and I were discussing the heart shaped cookies on our trays, trying to decide if the shit on top of them really was icing when Rose walked over to the table with a disgusted look on her face.

"Ugh," Rose grunted before falling into the chair beside of me, "I'm so glad I don't have to look at all of this shit next year," she sighed, sliding her bag onto the floor.

"Maybe not you," Alice said, "but mom will probably make me and Jasper come home from school just to help her decorate the house," she finished, rolling her eyes.

"I'll be sure that whatever weekend that is going down Em and I stay in Auburn," Rose said laughing, causing Alice to flip her off. I sat quietly between the two of them and tried not to feel bitter as they talked about their plans next year and how they didn't have to worry about being separated from their boyfriends.

"What's with the face?" Edward whispered as he leaned down and kissed my temple.

"Nothing," I said quickly, not wanting to let my emotions get the best of me, I was being completely ridiculous and I needed to get a grip in a fucking hurry.

"Hey," he said, hooking his shoe on the leg of my chair and pulling it with his foot until I was facing him and trapped in between his legs. "Talk to me, Pockets. What's the matter, baby?" he asked quietly, running both of his hands up and down the tops of my thighs, his forehead lightly resting against mine.

"Nothing," I replied again and tried my best to make my smile not look as forced as it felt. I tilted my chin up until my lips met with his and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Seriously, I'm okay, just a headache," I lied, feeling a knot form in the pit of my stomach. He eyed me for a second before Emmett called his name and pulled his attention away from he. Rose was watching me in a way that made me squirm so I took my chances with the questionable looking cookies and shoved one in my mouth.

By the time I got home and changed clothes I was in a fan-fucking-tastic mood. After lunch, I pretty much stewed in the shittness that was my life right now, making me bitchy and emo.

"You ready baby?" Edward asked, poking his head in my doorway and smiling at me.

"Yup, lets roll," I said, determined not to ruin the afternoon with him. I walked over and grabbed his hand in mine, pulling him down the stairs and out the front door.

We talked about nothing, the entire conversation stiff and forced and absolutely nothing like us at all. Once we were seated on the four wheeler, with my arms wrapped tightly around his waist and my face resting on his neck I felt myself relax for the first time today. And when we reached the field and I saw the basket he pulled off of the back of the four wheeler with a blanket and some snacks I felt myself breath out a sigh of relief. This was us; easy, fun, happy. We laid back on the blanket smoking a bowl and laughing about our cloud conversation the last time we were here when Edward decided bring up the one conversation that could ruin everything.

"You can come visit me in Austin, you know," he said, not looking at me. I laid there for a second absorbing his words before I responded.

"And you can come visit me in New York," I said in challenge, because apparently Bitchy Bella was going to turn this into a fight.

"I will," he said surely.

"Or you could just come to school there instead," I blurted out before I had the chance to stop myself. He looked over at me and smiled softy before shaking his head.

"No, I can't baby," he said sadly. "I checked," he added, causing my entire body to still.

"You did what?" I whispered, not believing what I was hearing.

"I checked into schools in New York," he mumbled, scooting closer to me so we were lying on our sides, our noses almost touching. "All of the registration deadlines have passed for any of the schools that have a good program for my major. Plus, I have a scholarship for UT, that's how I can afford out of state tuition..." he trailed off, his eyes burning into mine. I couldn't speak, my throat had sealed itself shut, blocking any words that wanted to escape from me. But my eyes, they were not blocked in the least and I felt hot tears running down my cold cheeks and dripping off my chin.

"Shh, come on. Baby, don't cry. It's going to be fine, you'll see, Pockets," he whispered into my hair as he hugged me close.

"I think I'm ready to head back home. It's getting late and I'm freezing my ass off," I said with a strangled laugh. He smiled at me and patted my ass twice before pulling me up to stand.

"Well, we can't have that," he laughed. "Your ass is too pretty to freeze off," he said, grabbing a handful for emphasis. I laughed and smacked him on the shoulder before helping him pack everything up and load it on the four wheeler.

I couldn't believe that he checked into schools in New York, why would he do that? He's wanted to go to UT for as long as I've wanted to go to art school. He was willing to change everything for me. I knew the distance was going to be so hard on both of us, but I was worried that it may start to affect Edward's grades, and if it did he could lose his scholarship, and then he'd have to leave Texas. All because of was no way that I could live with myself if that happened. By the time we reached my house I was a fucking wreck, my mind bouncing all over the place.

"Wanna watch a movie?" he asked as we pulled up in front of my house.

"I'm kind of tired," I admitted with a small smile. He gauged my expression for a second before pulling the keys out of the ignition and tugging on my hand so I'd exit out his side of the truck.

"That's fine. You can sleep; I'll watch," he said, then paused with a half smile. "The movie, I mean. Not watch you sleep."

"Alright, yeah." I nodded and we exited the truck, each step seeming slower than the last.

"You okay, Pockets?" he asked before we walked inside."You still seem kind of out of it."

"I said I was tired..." I trailed off, feeling his lips on my temple before I opened the door.

We waved hello to Charlie, despite the fact that he was snoring on the couch. Jane yelled out a 'yo, wud up?' from the kitchen and I cracked a smile, telling her we'd be upstairs watching a movie. I immediately threw myself on my bed and Edward walked over to my bookshelf on a mission.

"What do you want to watch?" he asked, staring intently at my DVD collection.

"You choose," I yawned. "It doesn't matter to me."

"Um, it should matter. This is a _really _big deal, Bella," he replied with a snort.

I stared at his back and his broad shoulders and the way his arms hung by his side. "You just called me Bella," I mused, causing him to turn around and give me a look.

"That's your name." He smiled and randomly chose a DVD, bringing it with him to the bed.

"What'd you choose?" I asked, closing my eyes as he laid next to me, his mouth immediately on mine.

"Eh, your DVD collection sucks," he teased and I scoffed, pretending to push him away. He grabbed my waist and held me closer, rubbing one hand up my stomach and over my boob. He let out a shaky breath and I opened one eye to peek at him.

"You gonna start the movie, or what?"

"I had something else in mind," he said in a low voice, leaning over again to kiss me. My hand tangled in his hair and I moaned into his mouth, caught off guard by the heat of his body next to mine. His lips were on my neck before his body was on top of mine. I opened my legs for him to lie between them, letting my hands slip under his shirt, clawing at his back.

"Fuck," he hissed, pulled back to stare at me and I suddenly couldn't breathe.

"Hey," I said, moving my head to the side. "Edward."

"Hm?" He mumbled, grinding against me.

"This isn't working," I blurted out and he kept his body on mine.

He dropped his head with a groan, resting against my chest. "We can watch the movie," he suggested and I shook my head furiously, he just wasn't getting it.

I pushed my hands against his chest until he rolled over, lying next to me on the bed. I took a deep breath and left the bed, walking over to the book shelf, DVD in hand.

"I just don't see how this is supposed to work," I blurted out.

Edward's smile faltered as he stood from the bed, shoving his hands in his pockets before crossing the room to stand in front of me; towering over me. "What do you mean?"

I shrugged because, really, I had no idea what the fuck I was trying to say. Too bad that didn't keep me from speaking. "You're going to be in Austin. I'll be in New York."

Removing a hand from his pocket, he placed it on my hip before saying, "And?"

"I'll be in New York," I reiterated, becoming slightly annoyed at the sound of my own voice. "You'll be in Austin."

I watched as Edward tightened, released, then tightened his jaw again in a matter of seconds. His fingers dug into my hip and I tried to ignore it. Something began to creep into the pit of my stomach and I fucking hated that it occurred after Edward's eyes burned into mine.

"Yeah, so. We'll see each other over the breaks and holidays. There's skype and...I don't know, other shit. I'll cave and buy a fucking iPhone so we can FaceTime, Bella."

"I don't know," I mumbled, moving my hip so he'd loosen his grip. I didn't want him to let go, not really, but his fingers were distracting me. And that's what I was trying to avoid, right? Distractions? Or...fuck. "I just- you honestly see that working? You really think it'd be enough?"

Edward stared at me incredulously and I felt like a fucking schmuck. "Well...yeah. I think it'd be enough. It'd definitely be enough."

I let out a sigh and shook my head.

"So, what? We're breaking up?" he asked bluntly. "We don't leave for another...I mean, we still have graduation and summer. Just tell me why you're doing this," he said in a low voice, lower than mere seconds ago. He stared intently, as if he were trying to read my mind.

I lowered my eyes from his. "Edward-"

"Hey. Look at me," he demanded softly.

"It just won't work," I insisted, flinching at my own tone. "I know who I was - who I am - without you. I'm a better version of myself when I'm with you, but-"

"Then go to school in Austin," he quipped, slightly cutting me off.

I took a step back so I could fully see his face. His eyes were blazing with something and his cheeks were flushed and I couldn't look away. "What?"

"Yeah. There's an Art Institute in Austin," he said so nonchalantly. So casually. "Just transfer."

"For you?"

"Well. Not only for me. For yourself, too..." Edward trailed off before rubbing the back of his neck. "Or shit, yeah. For me. I want you there for me. Is that selfish? I kind of don't care if it is. I want you there with me."

"But...but I know New York..."

"Yeah, you also just said you know who you are when you're in New York."

"That doesn't..." I trailed off. Why the fuck was I making this so difficult? "This doesn't have to be difficult."

"_You're _the one making it difficult," he pointed out. "It doesn't have to be the end, you know?"

I rubbed my eyebrow with the back of my hand, trying to distract myself from the tears that were threatening to slip from my eyes. Fuck. I don't cry. I don't get emotional and I don't get attached and I just...don't. I don't.

"Why does it have to be the end, huh?" he asked again, tugging on my hand.

I refused to look him in the eyes because I knew I'd give in. And fuck that, that's not who I was. I wasn't going to change or conform or become clingy. I wasn't going to change my plans for someone I didn't even know a year ago.

Edward laughed humorlessly when I ignored his question, then asked me again because he wouldn't let this end that easily, and I don't know why I expected him to. "Why do we have to break up?"

"Because...I already have my mind made up and the way you look at me every day makes me question _everything_," I whispered sadly.

"And you're not wondering why a single look from me makes you question your plans? Why does that have to be considered a bad thing?"

"I never said it was," I replied, taking a deep breath. "It's just...long distance doesn't work," I explained in a firm tone, fully believing my words.

"Yeah...but it's _us_," he said quietly and so fucking simple.

Because it was simple, wasn't it?

I softened my eyes for a small moment and knew it would be so easy to just..._be_ easy; to give in; to tell Edward yes, that I'd follow him. That I could be better and I could do this and _we_ could do this because, he was right, it was us.

But then I thought about the way those girls were eyeing him that weekend in Auburn and how pissed off and jealous it made me. I knew that him being in that setting everyday was going to eat at me and turn me into someone I didn't want to be.

I also remembered the way Edward reacted to those guys who were trying to throw ping pong balls down my shirt and knew that the distance would change him as well. I didn't want him to change, I wanted him to stay just the way he was, carefree and happy and fucking perfect. Not some broody asshole who would always worry about his girlfriend half way across the country.

"Stop over thinking this," he insisted, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I'm not over thinking this," I countered and looked at the floor. Edward groaned and I looked back up to see him running his hand over his mouth, never taking his eyes off me.

"Baby," he whispered in a pleading tone. "Come on."

"This isn't unheard of," I began to say. "People date in high school and break up all the time before leaving for college."

"Stop," he thundered before taking a deep breath. "Stop comparing us to other people. We aren't other people, and you fucking know it."

"We can take some time to figure this out, you know? I just don't want things to be weird," I explained and, fuck, the look on his face didn't falter because I knew he didn't believe my words anymore than I did. "I mean, we'll still see each other at work, and we can be friends. I like you." And that was the understatement of the fucking century. I fucking loved him, but it was better to end this now before this hurt us even more.

"You_ like _me?" he laughed humorlessly. "Alright, Bella. Well, you enjoy yourself in New York," he said with uncertainty.

I wanted to be upset at his words, but I couldn't be, because of his tone and his face and if anyone else would have uttered those words to me I'd deem them a dick. But not him. Never him, because even when he was trying to be a dick, it just didn't work. Not with him staring at me like that. Not after the way he swallowed the lump in his throat and turned to walk out of my room.

"Look, wait," I said as his hand made contact with the doorknob. "I don't want this to be weird..."

"Don't worry, Bella. I won't make this weird for you," he promised, opened the door and walked down the stairs.

I stood in place for about five minutes, replaying what the fuck just happened. Because that wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. And I was a fucking asshole.

I didn't shower, brush my teeth or even change out of my clothes. All I did was turn off my light and crawl under the blanket, passing out despite the fact that it wasn't even after ten o'clock.

I woke the next morning without any clue what fucking day it was. Sitting up, I blinked a few times to get my bearings and fucking dread washed over me. I pulled the covers back over my head and turned off my alarm. There was no fucking way I was going to school today. Thirty minutes later I heard a knock on my door.

"What?" I mumbled, my voice muffled since I was still face down in my pillow. Maybe I could just suffocate myself. I'd deserve nothing less after the stupid fucking shit I pulled yesterday.

"What's going on?" Charlie asked, poking his head in the door.

"I'm not going to school today. What does it look like?" I asked with attitude.

"Okay," he replied, giving me an odd look. "Are you sick?" he asked, attempting to peek at me under the covers.

"Something like that," I sighed, poking my head out from under the covers so he could get a good look at how much of a hot mess I was. The grimace on his face confirmed the shittiness of my appearance.

"I'll see you later," he mumbled, backing slowly out of the room. I laid around in bed the rest of the morning, refusing to acknowledge how fucking stupid I was being. I created this fucking nightmare, I knew I had no right to be the one sitting at home like the wounded party, but damn it I was finally acting like the weepy emo teenage angst whore the rest of the girls my age acted like.

Around one o'clock I made my way down to the kitchen, my need for food refusing to be ignored any longer. I turned on the oven and waited for it to preheat as I pulled a pizza from the freezer. After about fifteen minutes the oven still hadn't beeped letting me know it was heated, so I pulled the door open. It was a little warm, but no where close to the temperature it should be. I got down on my hands and knees and stuck my head inside the oven, looking for what, I had no clue. I sat there for a several minutes with my head inside wondering if while I was down here I shouldn't just go ahead and inhale the gas, you know, take my angst to the next level.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you have no idea the oven is electric..." Jane trailed off and I pulled my out head of the oven.

"Well. I had an idea after about ten minutes. The thought also crossed my mind that I had died and this was hell," I said pathetically, pulling myself up off the floor and closing the oven.

"Wow. That's quite morbid for a Wednesday, don't you think?" she asked as she sat next to me on the kitchen floor.

"I'm trying to kill myself. Obviously. Go away. This isn't going to be pretty," I sighed and stuck my head back in the oven door I had pulled open again, only to have Jane yank on my hair.

"Can I have your stash of grass? You know, no sense in it going to waste," she said in an overly pleasant tone.

"Fine. Take whatever you want," I answered quickly. "I don't care."

"I'm going to need you to put that in writing. And while you're at it, you'll probably want to write a suicide note. Unless you've already written something up and I just overlooked it?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow my way before glancing around the kitchen.

"This isn't funny. Suicide isn't funny!" I screeched. "Don't you deal with crazies on the daily? Be more sympathetic, please."

"You don't need my sympathy," Jane replied in a quiet tone. "But you do need my help, and sticking your head in the oven isn't the way to go. What happened to overdosing on pills and slitting wrists?" she asked with feigned disgust.

I shut the oven and turned it off. "I couldn't find anything to cut myself with. All of the razors upstairs were pink and rusty and it was very disappointing. I can't look hard slitting my wrists with a pink razor. Do you know how many people would make fun of me?"

"Quite the dilemma. So what'd happened to elicit such a dramatic reaction?" Jane questioned with a serious tone.

"I may or may not have broken up with Edward. And now I may or may not deserve to die," I instantly replied. "And he was like,_ way_ too nice about all of it. He didn't even yell! And his face, oh my God, his face. I'm an awful piece of shit who deserves to get hacked into pieces by Old Lady Dead Bits." I paused and looked up at the ceiling. "Do you hear me Old Lady Dead Bits? Now's your chance! I'm offering myself to you! This needs to happen."

I looked back over at Jane who was staring at me with shock, confusion, and a whole lot of amusement.

"If I didn't like you so much, kid, I'd trick you into borrowing my stylish white jacket and take you to one of those comfy rooms at the hospital."

"Stylish straight jacket?" I mumbled and she nodded her assent and draped her arm over my shoulder. "Comfy...padded rooms? With mattresses lining the walls?"

"You thinking twice about hanging yourself now?" Jane snorted and I dropped my head.

"I could never hang myself. I'm horrible at tying knots in ropes," I said with seriousness. "I kind of fucked up, right?

"Kind of fucked up trying to kill yourself?"

"No," I shook my head furiously. "I kind of fucked up breaking things off with him, didn't I?"

"It would seem that's the case since you're trying to off yourself," Jane replied casually. "What was your reason for breaking that poor kid's heart?"

"I'm a bitch?" I questioned more than stated.

"Try again," Jane scolded.

"The distance. The motherfucking distance," I sighed heavily and felt a new wave of tears threatening to escape. "He's going to school in Austin and...and, did you know that he looked at schools in New York?"

"I did not know what," Jane whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Well, he did. But he has a scholarship for UT, and he missed the deadlines for applying to schools in New York, and why the fuck did he do that? Why did he look into schools in New York without hesitation, yet when he asks me to go to school in Austin I immediately turn down the offer?"

"Because you're a bitch?" Jane answered my question with a soft smile. "Joking. You know I'm joking."

"I know. But it doesn't make it any less true," I replied pathetically.

"No, you're not a bitch. Maybe a weird fucking freak, but not a bitch."

"You're being too nice. Edward was being too nice. What the fuck is wrong with you people?" I angrily asked.

"Because we love you, crazy person. Edward loves you so, despite the fact that you probably hurt him, there's no way he could hurt you back," Jane explained and I looked down before nodding. It made sense. Of course it made sense. And then it made me feel like a schmuck because I loved him, I really did, and I still found a way to hurt him.

"So, when he asked you to move to Austin, you said no?" I nodded at her question as she hummed. "And you realize there are other Art Institutes, not just in New York, right?"

"I know."

"And it might be nice to have a change of scenery," she added. "I know you've had these plans for a while now, but it's not too late to change your mind. Don't forget that."

"I know," I repeated lamely, wishing we had this conversation at an earlier date.

"Besides, from the way he looks at you," she paused and gave me a small, knowing smile, "it's so fucking worth it."

"It is, isn't it?" Because it was fucking worth it and how I managed to not see that before was beyond me. Even if Edward and I weren't meant to be together forever, even if we ended up breaking up a year from now, I had to try. Because when someone looks at you like _that_, you'd be fucking crazy not to try. Her eyes softened for a second as she stood from the floor.

"But, anyway," she sighed and cleared her throat, "you have to do what's right for you. Keep that in mind, also. Don't do anything that doesn't feel right. If New York is where you feel you're meant to be, then go be a rock star."

"Be a rock star?" I snorted out in laughter as she reached down to help me up.

"Are kids these days not saying that?" Jane laughed and shook her head. "You know what I mean. I don't doubt you'll do great things, wherever you are."

"You're pretty awesome, too," I said with a grin. "And I'm glad you'll be around for Charlie when I leave, wherever I end up. Keep his ass in line, you know?"

"Damn straight," Jane said seriously.

"Damn straight...jacket?" I asked with a roll of my eyes.

"You owe me one for not taking your ass in. Don't forget that," Jane teased before walking downstairs to the basement.

After my talk with Jane I trudged back up the stairs to my room and fell into bed. All of this talk of trying to kill myself was exhausting. It felt like I had only been asleep a few minutes when I heard a loud booming voice.

"I know your ass in in there, Swan!" I heard Emmett yell loudly from outside.

I groaned at his persistence and pulled the blanket over my head to block out his yelling. I hadn't actually told anyone that I was ditching school today so I figured it wouldn't be long before someone stopped by. Cause screw that shit, I wasn't going to torture myself by broodingly watching Edward from afar the day after we broke up. What if he was flirting with some bitch ass hoes? What if Maggie was all over his dick? Or worse, what if he was all over hers? And even while being emo, I still had to get a low blow in on that bitch.

I was being ridiculous; I knew Edward wouldn't do that, but even thinking about it in my fragile frame of mind was enough to send me looking for more non-rusty pink razors. So, I stayed under the blanket where it was safe. Until Emmett's voice boomed from _inside _the room and the blanket was suddenly gone as he stood over the bed, both eyes closed.

"Breaking and entering? Really, Emmett?"

"Are you naked or dead?" he asked, eyes still closed.

"Considering I just spoke to you, no, I am not dead. And I'm not naked either, what the fuck?" I snapped and sat up, swinging my feet to hang over the bed.

He opened his eyes with relief before saying, "Thank fuck. I wasn't sure what I'd find under the blanket. I figured I'd close my eyes in case you actually were naked or had committed suicide. My simple mind wouldn't be able to handle seeing a dead body."

"Oh. Right. You only stuff dead animals and stroke their heads as you nuzzle them." I rolled my eyes and added, "Freak."

"Hey. You're the one hiding under your blanket listening to..." he cocked his head to the side and scrunched his face in confusion. "Why the fuck are you listening to Taylor Swift?"

"Because she makes me want to claw my eyes out, so it's perfect. I'm torturing myself. Now leave at once so I can die a slow death," I sighed dramatically, pulling the blanket back over my head.

"Stinky..." Emmett eventually said, tugging on the comforter. "You forget that you're the one who broke up with him?"

Well it seemed Edward had filled everyone in on what happened yesterday. And, no, I didn't forget that. Thanks, asshole. It didn't change the fact that I was still upset and emotional and fucking stupid.

"You wanna hang out with us tonight?" he finally asked and I peeked out from under the comforter.

"I can't," I said pathetically.

"You can't or don't want to?"

"Both," I replied with a small smile.

"Alright, listen up cause I'm only going to say this once, okay?" Emmett asked, sat next to me on the bed, and waited to speak again after I nodded my assent. "Even though you went all girl emo on Edward's ass and broke up with him, you're still part of the group. So, none of this fucking hiding out bullshit. You may have broken up with his ass, but you didn't break up with the rest of us. So, wallow or whatever the fuck for tonight, but this will be the first and last time you ditch us. Got that?"

I stared at him, kind of speechless that he said everything in one breath, and then I wrapped my arms, or tried to, around his broad shoulders.

"And you need to shower," he mumbled and I laughed before pulling away.

"Whatever. Thanks for that. You're not so bad at the pep talks. I'd give that a seven. Oh, and I didn't go all 'girl emo' on his ass."

"Yeah, yeah," Emmett gave me a quick smile before standing from the bed. "I gotta head out and pick up Rose before she hands me my balls."

"Your nice little speech is keeping me from coming back with the snarky remarks," I admitted and he ruffled my hair.

"I'll be sure to let everyone know you only slit one of your wrists," he called out as he walked out of the bedroom. "Your ass better be at school tomorrow!"

"Thanks, fucker," I laughed and fell back against my mattress.

The next morning was no better, I forgot to set my alarm and didn't have time to take a shower, so I was going on what, day three now? This was some sort of smell record. I rushed around my room getting ready before jumping in my car and hauling ass to school.

Nothing was right and I just wanted to go back and hit the reset button before everything went to shit. Jasper gave me a sad smile when I walked through the door for first period, either because he felt bad for me or I looked much worse than I realized. I caught him staring at me occasionally throughout class with a confused expression on his face. Yeah, welcome to the club Jasper, you're not the only one that's fucking confused.

By the time I finally made it to lunch, I just wanted to go back home and crawl under the covers. Rose and Alice had already cornered me, and Emmett's face let me know that he meant what he said yesterday. As I sat down I looked around the cafeteria and realized that Edward wasn't here. Was he avoiding me? The pit of dread in my stomach felt like a tons of bricks, cementing me into place and making me feel sick.

"So...where's Edward?" I asked, trying to sound casual. Jasper shrugged and Alice said she didn't know, not giving me any more information than I already had. I nodded, letting it go, hoping he wasn't avoiding sitting with us just because I was here. A few minutes later, I still hadn't touched my food when Emmett made his way over. He cast a curious glance my way before smiling at me and taking the sandwich off my plate without asking.

"So, I'm gonna...go," I mumbled, pointed at the door and gathered my things. This didn't feel right, having Edward ignore his friends just because I was over here with them. They were his friends first, and I didn't care how immature that sounded.

"You can have your sandwich back," Emmett muttered, pieces of bread flying out of his mouth. "It's just a known fact that if something has been untouched for at least ten minutes, it's automatically mine."

"I don't want the sandwich, Emmett," I insisted, wishing I'd stop being such a fucking idiot. "I'm going home. See y'all later."

And with that, I grabbed my things and practically ran out of the cafeteria. I busted through the doors and ran right smack into a strong frame, arms catching me.

"The hell?" Edward asked, grabbing onto my shoulders and keeping me upright. "In a rush?"

The moment his body made contact with mine I felt like I could breathe for the first time since he walked out of my house yesterday. What in the fuck had I been thinking?

"Temporary insanity," I blurted out, sounding every bit like the crazy person I was claiming to be.

"What?" he asked confused, dropping his hands from my shoulders.

"Me, insane," I said with a funny pitch in my voice, "that's the only thing that I can come up with that makes what happened yesterday make any fucking sense," I said, flailing my arms around.

"Bella," he said slowly, "what exactly are you saying?" he asked, his brows pulled down.

"That," I hysterically blurted out, "you don't call me Bella, and I don't break up with you, and I sure as fuck don't tell you that 'I like you'," I quoted myself with a sneer, "and you don't_ let _me," I finished, poking him in the chest with my finger, my breathing labored and on the verge of hyperventilating. Edward shook his head at me and pulled me into the closest empty classroom.

"You need to calm down," he said, pushing my hair from my eyes. "You look like you're about to pass out," he chuckled and pulled me over to a desk to sit.

"Mind trying to explain to me what just happened out there?" he asked, pointing out into the hallway. "Because it sounded like you don't want us to be broken up, and I need to clarify that shit first," he said seriously. He pulled the desk next to mine closer to me and sat down, our knees lightly touching. I took a deep breath and tried to rationally explain to him that I was a fucking idiot and didn't want us to be apart. He stared at me for a second, eyes softening before he spoke.

"So, now you're okay with the distance?" he asked skeptically.

"I mean, I don't know," I said slowly, because I still had reservations about the long distance thing, "but it's February, we don't leave until August, that's six months from now, why would we not just enjoy the time we have now," I said, reaching for his hand. He shook his head sadly at me and squeezed my hand before releasing it and pulling away from me.

"Because we _won't_ enjoy it, baby," he said quietly. "These last couple of weeks you haven't been yourself, and I know it's because you worry about the distance."

"What are you saying," I whispered, feeling a knot form in the pit of my stomach. "You don't, want me?" I asked pathetically, despite the fact that I was the one who put us in this position in the first place.

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, rolling his eyes, "but what I don't want is to know that we have an expiration date. I don't want August looming over us like a big black cloud," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. I sat there stunned, unsure of how to process what I was hearing.

"Look," he said, thinking for a moment before speaking, "why don't you just take some time and figure out what you can live with. I know that I said I wanted you to move to Austin for me, but it can't be that way. If you come to Austin it has to be because you want to, or else you could end up resenting me, and I don't want that. And if you go to New York, you need to be okay with the distance," he said taking a deep breath and chuckling. My eyes snapped to his wondering if _he_ had lost his fucking mind this time.

"I know that there are no guarantees, and that we could break up for a million different reasons. I mean, you could switch teams on me and take Rose from Emmett," he said, grinning at me.

"Or you could take Emmett from Rose," I interrupted hotly before I realized what I was saying. He let out a breathy laugh that I couldn't help but to return. We were still us.

"So. Time," I said, trying it out. It still tasted like ass, but I knew what he meant. We couldn't keep going with me acting like a crazy person.

"Time," he agreed with a nod of his head, smiling, "and for the love of God, Bella,_ never_ tell me you 'like me' again, that shit hurt," he said in a joking tone, but the hurt that flashed in his eyes couldn't be missed.

"I love you," I said, trying to rein in my inner drama queen and stop the tears from spilling. He smiled at me then, and it was like the fucking rain stopped and the clouds parted and the sun scorched the fucking sky. I guess my inner drama queen would not be ignored after all.

"I love you, too," he said, leaning over and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. It wasn't enough, nothing would ever be enough with him, because he was everything. But he was right, I either needed to be okay with us being so far apart or I needed to consider my options in transferring schools. The bell rang, causing me to jump and him to laugh.

"I guess we missed lunch. Come on I'll walk you to class," he said, and reached his hand out for my bag.

"Yeah. No. I think I'm going to head home," I said quickly, tightening my grip on the strap over my shoulder as his hand fell to his side.

"Why?" he asked confused. I looked up and him a shrugged my shoulder.

"I just got some things to work out, ya know," I said, tapping my temple. He nodded his head at me and smiled.

"Okay, well I'll see you at work then," he said, backing away from me. I turned and walked quickly to the parking lot, if I stayed here any longer I'd jump in his arms and never let him go, and that wouldn't change anything right now.

I got in my car and drove home, having no idea how I got there, my mind swimming with all of the fucking stupid idiotic shit I had done in my life. This though, breaking up with Edward, had to be in the top of fucking three. I needed to get my head right and I needed to do it now. I dropped my bag by the door and sprinted up the stairs to my room.

As soon as I kicked off my shoes I grabbed my laptop and started it up. I knew that I couldn't go to Austin because I was following Edward, but I also knew that not one time since we'd started discussing college had I felt _right_ about being back in New York.

"I guess it's time to see if Austin feels any better," I mumbled to myself as I typed 'Art Institute of Austin' into the google search bar.

_I'm never gonna let my head overrule my heart again._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Liv- Ah, don't you just love good ole teenage angst? Everything is the end of the world...**

**Meg- *pulls own head out of oven* Yeah. Teenage angst. Super silly.**

**Liv- And fuck, can she make up her mind, we rewrote this chapter HOW many times?**

**Meg- I lost count. But hey, at least we didn't post what we were going to- Emmett walks in and actually finds a dead Bella.**

**Liv- This is true, and Edward got sent to prison cause the FBI busted him at his weed field.**

**Meg- Ugh, & then remember when Charlie walked in on Jane & Esme fucking around on the kitchen table? So glad we nixed that chapter & wrote this one instead.**

**Liv- Yeah, and Carlisle doing_ things_ to the stuffed animals..*shudders***

**Meg- For the sake of our readers (and ourselves) this A/N needs to end. now.**

**Liv- Yes ma'am *salutes Meg***

**Hey guys, wanna laugh your ass off, go read The Cellar, wanna be an angst whore some more, go read A Beautiful Mess. Links to our profiles are on our Winehoes profile page!**


	19. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighteen<strong>

"Morning," Charlie mumbled as he walked into the kitchen.

I gave him a small wave and turned my attention back to my bowl of cereal. "Hi."

"You look...better today," he said as he walked past the table and discreetly tried to sneak a glance at my wrists. "And...you smell better."

"Showering helps," I muttered lamely. "And you're not very discreet. I didn't slice 'em."

"So, uh, you're driving yourself to school again this morning?" Charlie asked me nervously while I shoved another spoonful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into my mouth.

"Yup." I nodded, wondering if he was about to pull some kind of head shrink voodoo on me. He cleared his throat, his eyes darting around the room like some kind of cornered animal. _Dear_, _God- please don't make Charlie feel the need to head shrink me this morning. It's so painful when neither of us are high. Thanks and amen._

"Something happen with you and that boy?" he asked hesitantly, coming over to sit across from me at the kitchen table. _Dear, God- It was the high comment that caused you to abandon me, right? Thanks for nothing. Amen._

"We broke up," I mumbled around my spoon and...why the hell did I just tell him that?

"Ah," he said quietly, staring out into the back yard. He probably didn't actually think I would say anything, and now he looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. But it was too late, this was happening. Now.

"And it's my fault," I began to shriek.

"Really, Bells, you don't-"

"...and I'm a fucking idiot!" I cried.

"...have to tell me," Charlie interrupted again.

"And he wants me to go to school in Austin and I told him no. But he looked at schools in New York with no problem, so why am I being such a fucking idiot about this right now? Why, Charlie, _why_?" I yelled, slamming both of my hands down onto the table causing my spoon to fly into the air.

"Uh," Charlie started, running a hand over his mouth. You'd think for a therapist he'd be used to shit like this.

"And then," I interrupted loudly, "and then," I gasped, "I tried to take it back because clearly I'm fucking insane, and he said no. He said no! Charlie, do you understand what I'm saying here, huh, do you?" I asked, my voice about about ten octaves higher than usual.

"Bella, there's something going on with your, uh," he said, pointing towards his eye. "I don't think your eye is supposed to twitch like that, you need to calm down some," he stressed, pushing his chair away from the table, or me. It could go either way since I was now standing with both hands on the table and leaning halfway across it, twitching eye and all.

I took a deep breath and slowly sat back in my chair, my hands smoothing out the imaginary wrinkles on the top of the table. Okay, maybe I really had lost my fucking mind.

"Well, Bells, I gotta say," Charlie started, scratching his chin, "even I'm a little confused about your insistence on going to school in New York. I mean, plans change, people change, life changes. You remember how you felt when I told you we were coming to Intercourse don't you?" he asked, a contemplative look on his face. Which was probably because he was trying to make sure the Intercourse reference he just made wasn't going to scar us both later.

I sighed heavily. "I know things change, I do. But I don't want to look like a stupid girl who just gave up all her plans and followed her boyfriend to Texas. But, I've accepted that long distance won't work either. And do you have any idea how many girls are going to try and get into his pants the moment he steps foot on campus? Because I can tell you, it's going to be a lot. And that shit is not okay, because I am the only one who gets to be in his pants, and-" I started before Charlie thankfully cut off my word vomit.

"Well, look at the time," Charlie said, sounding surprised. "Shouldn't you be getting off to school and _not_coming home early, when no one is here to monitor the...oven, and shaving utensils..." he trailed off, his eyes narrowing slightly. It seemed Charlie was trying to be parental and threatening this morning. Oh, Charlie, you got your ass kicked by a turkey, threatening doesn't really work for you.

I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed my bowl and spoon to put in the sink. "No worries. Slitting my wrists isn't on my to do list for today," I quipped, waltzing out of the kitchen and through the front door.

As soon as I got in the car my nerves started to set in. I'd spent half the night researching the Art Institute in Austin. It was a good school, but was it a great school like the one in New York? I just didn't know yet. I knew I had to figure it out soon, but I also knew it wasn't going to happen over night.

Pulling into the school parking lot didn't feel as awful today as yesterday, but there was still that sense of unease like I was out of balance, more so than normal, and I knew it was because thing were still not back to normal with Edward.

"Hey, Bella," Rose yelled coming across the parking lot towards me.

"Sup?" I answered, trying to shake off my funk.

"So, check it out," she whispered with a grin. "Angela, you know the scary goth chick with the piercings and tattoos?" she asked and I nodded and...maybe shuddered a little, too. I may be too hard to use rusty pink razor and throw a mean pussy punch, but that girl looks like she'd hack you up then sew you back together with a rusty needle just so she could hack you up again.

"She's having a party tonight and we're going," she said, looking at me pointedly, "_all _of us," she emphasized with a raised brow. I really wasn't in the mood to go to a party tonight, and I knew that Edward would probably be there. I just didn't know if it would be weird. A couple of girls walked past me and Rose gossiping when I caught the last bit of their conversation.

"...she dumped him, so he's fair game tonight," one of the girls said, moving further away before I could catch any more of their conversation. Well I guess that made up my fucking mind about the party. I looked over at Rose who was smirking at me. Yeah, she was totally fucking on to me.

The rest of the day, all people could talk about was Angela's party. I knew a lot of the reason was the fact that Angela mostly hung out with a much older crowd, so her having a party and inviting people from school was a pretty big deal. That and people were wondering if she had one of those horned animal hats like in True Blood that she wore when she was having seances. And by 'people', of course, I meant me.

The day went by surprisingly fast considering it was a Friday and I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of here. We all sat together at lunch as always, but no matter how everyone tried to ignore it, things were fucking awkward. As soon as the last bell rang I got my shit and drove straight to the store for my shift.

Things were quiet for the most part, only a few people coming in randomly to buy shit. I had just sat down on the stool behind the counter, my head resting against it, when I heard the ding alerting me someone had walked into the store. I sighed and lifted my head, meeting Edward's eyes.

"Sleeping on the job?" he teased, walking over towards the counter in his button fly jeans and trucker hat. I gave him a once over and immediately wished I were blind because then I wouldn't have to see his fine ass strutting around in front of me. It wasn't fair.

"Is sleeping not allowed?" I asked jokingly, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hands. "What are you doing here?"

"I know you wanted to be a big girl and everything," I rolled my eyes as he laughed, "but I wasn't doing anything and figured I'd come close for you."

"I thought we agreed I could close by myself?" I argued, locking the register.

"We did, but that was when we were together. Now you have no say and I can come close whenever I feel like." He was smirking and he tugged on my jeans, but it still fucking hurt.

"'When we were together'?" I asked, trying to keep my tone even. No one listens to someone who is in hysterics...and then I felt my eye twitching.

"You know what I mean," he said softly, releasing his grip on my belt loop. "You can't tell me 'no' now." He grinned and I pretended like it didn't affect me. I resisted the urge to tell him that I never stood a chance at telling him no.

"Whatever. Close the store." I shrugged and handed him the keys. "Knock yourself out. Live it up. Have a ball. Enjoy your time. Have-"

"Okay, I get it. You can stop now," he replied before walking over and flipping off the lights. I shuffled towards the front of the store as he disappeared to lock up in the back. I watched as he reappeared, whistling his way towards me.

"So, are you going to Angela's party?" I asked as we walked out. He nodded his head and locked up. "That's cool. So am I."

"That_ is_cool," he agreed, shoving the keys in his pocket.

I kept my pace slow as we walked towards our cars in the dim single light. And maybe he was right, it was pretty fucking creepy out here and maybe I would be a little spooked closing by myself. But I'd never admit that to him.

"Do you want to ride together? Since we're both going to the same place. It makes sense," I said, fully knowing how lame I sounded.

"Yeah, I might have to leave early, so you should probably just take your car. You can follow me there," he suggested.

"Right. Right, okay. Don't want people to think we're, like, showing up together. Or...together at all," I said with a strained laugh.

He shook his head with a roll of his eyes. "It's not like we won't be walking in together." He leaned over and kissed my cheek before opening my door for me. "Don't be silly. You know how I feel about you."

"Well then you should know that I can't _not _be silly," I mumbled as he walked over to his truck.

"Follow me," he instructed, not realizing how much weight his simple words held; not realizing the tightness that occurred in my chest. But I did. I also realized I needed a fucking drink.

Apparently 'a fucking drink' meant five cups of beer, four whiskey shots and one lame attempt at a keg stand. I'd never be as good as Rose with the keg stand and we all fucking knew it. That didn't mean I didn't try my hardest though.

Despite the fact that Edward and I walked into the party together, it didn't mean that we stayed together. He was off mingling with other people, laughing and having a good 'ole time. Not that I was staring at him. Because I wasn't. And my eye definitely wasn't twitching. Nope.

It was a little after midnight when Edward finally came over to me. We were standing with Alice and Jasper and I had no idea what the fuck we were talking about. I'd laugh when they'd laugh, but Edward's proximity and the alcohol were making it hard for me to think. I suddenly felt his hand slide around my waist, pulling me against his side. I looked up at him, wanting to question the gesture, but I didn't. I watched as he kept the conversation with Jasper, never faltering as he squeezed my hip. Because this was normal. Maybe he didn't even realize what he was doing and I was afraid if I said anything he'd pull away, and I didn't want him to pull away, ever.

He leaned down and whispered in my ear that he was going to get himself another drink before brushing his lips against the side of my head and disappearing. And fuck that, he wasn't allowed to do things like that. He wasn't allowed to say we couldn't ride together but then kiss the side of my sweaty head. I stumbled after him with every intention of saying exactly what was on my mind until I was reminded that I was the one who put us in this position. I was the one who fucked it all up.

"Hi," I mumbled as I walked into the kitchen. Edward glanced up at me and gave me his _I'm the fucking hottest thing to walk the planet _smile, which was a mix between his normal smile and the one he reserved only for me.

He looked over in amusement as I tried and failed to hop onto the counter. "Want one?" he asked, turning his attention back to the task of mixing himself a drink.

"Yeah. Sure." I somehow managed to slur the single word, causing him to raise his eyebrows.

"Maybe you're good," he said with a laugh, but pulled out a second cup anyway.

"I _am _good. You know this," I teased, still attempting to climb onto the counter.

Edward laughed and shook his head before walking over and lifting me by the waist, setting my ass on the counter. I grabbed the collar of his shirt before he walked away and he stood between my legs, staring at me.

"Hey," I whispered, not wanting him to move from this spot. "I miss you."

He let out a sigh and dropped his head against my shoulder. "I'm right here, Bella," he pointed out, placing his hand right above my knee.

"So?" I muttered pathetically. "I still miss you."

"You feel okay?" he asked in concern, dropping his voice as a group of people walked into the kitchen.

I shook my head at his question. I didn't feel okay, not without him because that's the type of little emo bitch I was. But he was obviously asking about the affects of the alcohol I had consumed because that's the type of nice fucking guy he was. He shoved a plastic cup under the faucet and handed it to me.

"Drink this then," he instructed and I grabbed the cup from him.

"That's not what I meant, you know."

He tightened his jaw and swallowed before giving me a sad smile. "I know."

"You don't miss me?" I asked quietly after the kitchen was empty again and I had sufficiently drank the entire cup of water.

"Baby..." he trailed off, grabbing the back of his neck. "Come on. Don't do this."

"Do what?" I questioned, wrapping my legs around him and pulling him close to the counter, closer to me. "Edward."

"You're drunk," he muttered with a small smile.

"And you're cute," I admitted, leaning forward and placing my lips on his neck. He let out a groan and finally wrapped his arms around me, running his hands up and down my back.

"Bella..."

I sighed and pulled back, searching his face and was relieved to see he still looked at me the same. "I just want things to be the way they were," I mumbled.

He nodded and stayed silent for a moment before saying, "I mean, they won't be the way they were. They can't. But things can be even better than that...once we figure out what we're doing."

"I googled!" I blurted out, causing him to flinch. Clearly I wasn't eloquent. Clearly I had issues.

"Awesome. Google's, like, really helpful with...things," he replied with an odd smile.

"It is. I love Google. It's the best." I nodded furiously.

"Yeah, I mean, it wouldn't have been the same if you would've blurted out 'I asked Jeeves!'," he said with a fit of laughter, finally giving me _my_smile.

"Jeeves doesn't know what's up," I agreed, rolling my eyes.. "Ask me what I googled," I instructed.

"What I googled?" he said, repeating my words. I laughed and pushed his shoulder. "Fine, fine. What did you google, baby?"

"The Art Institute of Austin," I replied slowly, watching his expression not change at all. "What? I thought you'd be happy. Why does your face look like that?" I asked, poking his cheek.

"My face is fine," he insisted, swatting my hand away. "I am happy. I'll be even happier when everything is, I don't know, settled."

"But that's what I'm trying to do," I stressed. "Google will settle things, then we can be... settled," I finished, feeling a little confused about what the hell I was talking about.

"So, you're going to come to Austin?" he asked with a mix of hesitance and hope in his voice.

"I don't know yet," I replied quietly, looking down at my lap. I heard him take a deep breath and peeked up at him. He was shaking his head, a small smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. I swear he looked like one of those old ladies we always saw sitting in the rocking chairs out in front of Piggly Wiggly gossiping about all the 'young folk' in town. Like his eyes were saying _bless her heart. _

"Well, when you and Google get that all worked out you let me know, okay?" he whispered, pushing my hair back over my shoulder. Just as I was about to respond, his phone rang. Who the fuck was calling him at twelve thirty in the morning? I felt my stomach do an ugly twist until I heard him start speaking.

"Hey, Dad," he said then paused. "She's ready?" Another pause. "Okay, I'm on my way, I'll meet you there," he finished then hung up his phone.

"Hey, I gotta go," he said, stepping back between my legs.

"Yeah, I should probably go, too," I sighed and tried to hop down from the counter top, but Edward was still standing between my legs so I ended up jumping onto him, causing him to laugh and stumble back as he caught me. I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist, and I might have grinded against him, too. The groan he let out would say that the probability of said grinding was pretty high.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked quietly, his forehead resting against mine.

"Keep me," I whispered back just as quietly, my eyes stinging.

"That's up to you, baby," he said, squeezing my ass before loosening his hold and letting my slide down his body.

"Come on," he said, tugging on my hand. He pulled me into the living room and over to where Emmett and Rose were standing by the back door.

"Hey, Em, I gotta take off. You make sure Bella gets home for me?" he asked, looking at me while he spoke.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Maybe Rose can give her a few more pointers for keg stands," he laughed, causing Edward's eyes to narrow at him.

"Or not..." Emmett trailed off with a nervous chuckle.

Fuck, a semi-angry Edward was kinda hot. He rolled his eyes before scanning the room. I noticed his gaze linger on a group of people that seemed to be watching us. I wasn't sure who most of them were, I only recognized Peter who smiled sheepishly at being caught and looked away.

The next thing I knew, my body was being pushed back until it make contact with the wall, _hard_. Before I could ask Edward what the fuck he was doing his mouth was on mine. I felt my whole body come to life like I'd been electrocuted, but as quickly as it started it was over. I let my head fall back against the wall with a thud as I tried to catch my breath. Edward's breath was hot against my ear as he leaned over to whisper to me.

"Just cause we're taking some time to figure things out doesn't mean you're fair fucking game," he said possessively, making me want him to just fuck me against the wall right now.

"Okay," was all I managed to say because I was still pretty fucking dazed. "Okay." Edward shot me a smirk and pulled away telling me he had to go before turning and leaving out the front door.

"So, you two finally get your shit together?" Emmett asked coming to stand beside me.

"Not in the fucking least," I sighed, pressing my fingers to my still swollen lips. Emmett chuckled and shook his head.

"Yeah, well, you might want to get busy with that, Swan," he laughed, causing me to smack his arm. "Come on, let's see if you can hold out your keg stand any longer," he said, throwing his arm around my neck into a headlock.

After a couple more failed attempts at keg stands we decided to call it a night. It was a good thing too, since the only people still here looked liked they'd stepped out some goth catalogue detailing 'how to kill your mother.' I had no intentions of sticking around for the seance and becoming the sacrificial non-virgin.

After Emmett dropped me off, I sleepily walked up the stairs to my room and fell into bed. I was a bit concerned how easily my personal hygiene routine had been abandoned. What was next, dreadlocks?

In what seemed like no time the familiar tap of knuckles to glass woke me sometime later. I rolled out of bed and pushed the window open for him to come in. I didn't know what he was doing here, but I wasn't going to complain about it either.

"You left," I mumbled with a yawn, grabbing his hand and leading him to the bed. "You left, you party leaver."

"Yeah, remember when my dad called?" he asked and I nodded. "He needed me to help him deliver a calf," he said with a sigh, choosing to sit on the edge of the bed as I pulled the blanket over me.

"You know how to do that? Deliver an animal?" I asked, partially impressed and partially turned on because Edward knew how to deliver an animal. And then I internally cringed because it turned me on that Edward knew how to deliver an animal.

"Yeah, sure, nothin' to it." He shook his head and laughed. "I came by to make sure Emmett got you home safely."

"You took a real gamble putting Emmett in charge. But, in the end, he prevailed and managed to drag me home. Not without a few more keg stands though."

"Of course. I wouldn't expect any less," he mumbled, giving me a small smile. "Well, I'm glad you made it home safely."

"And I'm glad you came by..." I whispered, sitting up. He turned to face me and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. "So...you can stay, right?" I asked, letting my lips touch the side of his neck.

Edward pulled back and stared at my expression before speaking. "I can't," he said in a strained voice.

"Yeah, you can. Your parking lights are off this time, right? You can stay," I pointed out, but not without laughing.

"I don't think it's a good idea," he explained, pulling his eyebrows together. "I can't...lie next to you and not touch you, and I really think you need to get everything together and fully figure everything out before, just...fuck. I sound like such a pussy right now."

"No, you don't..." I trailed off, pushing the hair off his forehead. "Okay, maybe a little."

He gave me a playful scowl. "Don't tell the guys, okay? I got a reputation, you know? I got an image to keep up."

"Right. Because you're so hard and bad ass," I scoffed, pushing his shoulder. "Don't want anyone to think you're anything less than hardcore."

"Hey. I delivered an animal earlier. That's harcore," he insisted, grinning widely. "I barely shed a few tears."

"What?" I giggled. "You didn't cry delivering a calf..."

"Okay, fine. I didn't cry," he admitted, shaking his head. "I don't even know what I'm saying right now."

I stared at him for a second, the hair peeking out from under his hat, the light scruff trailing along his jaw, the hardness of his gaze. I leaned in to give him a kiss and right before my lips met his he turned his head. Not gonna lie, that shit stung.

"What..." I trailed off, confused. "You didn't have a problem kissing me earlier," I stated bluntly, my ego slightly bruised from the shun.

"I know," he sighed. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that," he apologized, causing me to bristle.

"You're sorry for kissing me?" I asked lowly, really starting to get pissed off now. Edward yanked off his hat and ran his hand through his hair roughly before tugging it back onto his head.

"No, Bella, fuck. I just...this is fucking hard for me too," he argued, sounding frustrated. "It's so easy to get caught up in you, and I just can't do that right now. Not until we get things figured out, okay?" he asked, his shoulders hunching slightly.

"I understand," I whispered. And fuck as much as it hurt, I did understand.

"I should go," he sighed and stood from the bed. He made his way over to my window and smiled once before crawling out.

I tried to fall back asleep, but there was no use. My thoughts wouldn't shut the fuck up and I couldn't stop mentally whining about Edward not staying the night. But maybe I could forgive his fine ass, especially since he knew how to deliver an animal. I would forever be creeped out by how much that turned me on.

The rest of the weekend I stayed in my bedroom, moping. It was really getting annoying if I was being honest. I was starting to get on my own fucking nerves with all my wallowing, self pity and bad hygiene I had suddenly developed.

I was in the middle of debating whether or not just pulling the sheet off the bed and leaving the comforter counted as changing my sheets when Rose and Alice came busting through my door.

"Is this seriously what you've been doing since Friday night?" Rose asked, wide eyed.

"Yes?" I answered like a question because I had a feeling she was about to kick my ass.

"It's Sunday afternoon," she said slowly, before scrunching up her nose.

"God, Bella, what the fuck is that God awful smell?" Rose asked, kicking a pile of clothes I'd left on the floor near the foot of the bed.

"What smell? I don't smell a smell," I said, lifting up my arm and sniffing. And okay, maybe there was a smell but, fuck it, showers were for people who had a reason to smell good, I was not one of those people.

"Come on," Rose said, grabbing my hand and tugging me to my feet, "we're getting you out of this shit hole you call your bedroom."

"Alice!" Rose yelled, causing me to flinch. "Go open that fucking window over there and let this place air out." She shuddered as she pulled me over to the door. I looked at Alice as she made her way over to the window, and then freaked the fuck out like a crazy person.

"Stop!" I screamed, charging towards her like a bull and flinging my body in front of the window with my arms spread out wide. And, oh my god, maybe I should put on some fucking deodorant at least. Alice and Rose stood motionless like we were playing some fucked up game of freeze.

"I'll open the window," I said much more quietly, "just don't touch it okay?" I asked, sounding more and more crazy by the second. They both gave me sympathetic smiles before telling me they'd meet me in the car. I know I sounded nuts, but this was our window, and I didn't want anyone else to touch it.

I opened the window a crack and had to smile despite my emo mood. The memory of Edward's naked ass as he scaled down my tree was one I was likely never to forget. Or see again. Fuck. This was fucking hell. I felt like Dr. C had snatched out my innards and stuffed me with cotton. I just felt hollowed out and numb and I had no one to blame but my fucking self.

Changing shirts and rolling on a little deodorant I walked down the stairs like I was a Dead Woman Walking. But instead of a nun to comfort me, I had two crazy bitches sitting in the front seat of an El Camino impatiently waiting on me.

"Where are we going?" I asked, crawling into the passenger side of Alice's car.

"You need to get out of the fucking house," Rose said bluntly. "So we're just going to ride back roads for a little while," she said, scooting to the middle of the seat making room for me. I looked at my feet and saw a twelve pack of beer and smiled. Well, that was one way to help me forget my troubles.

Alice backed out of my driveway and took off in the opposite direction of town. I glanced behind me and noticed she had a shit ton of empty beer bottles in the back of her car. What the hell was she doing with those?

"Alice, what's with all the bottles?" I asked, because I knew those fuckers weren't there for no reason.

She smiled this small and completely fucking creepy smile, that kinda made me happy if I'm being honest, cause I knew we were about to do something crazy.

"That's the ammunition for our target practice," she chuckled. See, I knew it was going to be fucking crazy. Rose popped the top off a couple of beers and handed me one.

"Once we hit the back roads far enough away from town, we'll take those bottles", she said, pointing over her shoulder to the bottles in the back, "and we're going to nail road signs with them." She pulled a pipe out of the glove box and lit it, taking a long pull then blowing it out. High _and_ drunk? Yes, please.

As soon as the smell hit the air though, all I could think about was Edward. But, fuck, what didn't make me think of him? Rose passed me the pipe and I inhaled as much as I could hoping that it would numb me enough for this day not to be a complete fucking disaster. I stared at the bottles at my feet for a second trying to process exactly what we were about to do.

"I'm sorry, but what the fuck are we doing again?"

Rose giggled and rolled her eyes at me. "You've lived here long enough to know we have nothing to fucking do in this town, we entertain ourselves the best we can." She grinned at me and downed the rest of her beer. Fuck I needed to catch up, I'd only taken like...two sips. I cut my eyes over to Alice who let out a really loud fucking belch and handed Rose her empty bottle as well. Fuck, I guess we were getting shitty today.

I quickly downed my own beer and passed it over to her to add to the growing pile. "So, I'm going to throw bottles at street signs?" I asked, just to make sure I was clear. They both nodded their heads and smiled, clearly feeling the effects of the beer and weed, much like I was. Fuck it, I had already fucked shit up with Edward, I wasn't about to do the same thing with Rose and Alice. They wanted to take me out today and cheer me up and who knows how many more chances we'll have to do this before we all go our separate ways.

"Well, let's break some fucking bottles then," I said, clinking my beer with Rose's before turning it up and draining the rest of it. She and Alice laughed and turned up the radio, blasting Alanis Morissette's "Ironic".

"Oh my God, I love this song!" Rose yelled over the music as she climbed over me.

"What in the hell are you doing?" I asked and moved over to the middle because she was on a damn mission to do _something._

"First," she laughed, "you really do fucking stink so I'm taking the window seat. Second, have you ever seen the music video to this song?" she asked, rolling the window all the way down and climbing to sit in the door a la Dukes of Hazzard. I think I vaguely remember seeing it on some VH1 nineties show once. It seemed that Rose had decided to reenact the video as she started belting out the lyrics and freezing me to fucking death in the process.

"Okay, you guys ready?" Alice asked as she turned onto a dirt road.

"Yep," Rose answered, grabbing an empty beer bottle. "So, Bella, here's the deal. It's all about the timing. As long as Alice keeps a steady speed you should be able to fling the bottle a few seconds before we get to the sign and hit it every time," she explained, grabbing the bottle around the neck with her thumb pointed down.

"Okay, here comes one!" she yelled, giggling. Right before we got to the sign she twisted her wrist sending the bottle flying through the air. _BAM!_

Holy fucking shit. I was not prepared for the noise that resulted when the bottle made contact with the sign. It sounded like a fucking cannon going off, and made me jump so high I almost hit my head on the roof of the fucking car.

"That was fucking awesome," I said in awe because it was really fucking cool and I was _so_ going to master that shit. Rose grinned and passed a bottle over to Alice.

"So, is Alice going to try and hit the back of one of the signs on the other side of the road?" I asked because that was a good distance for her tiny ass to throw the bottle while she was driving.

Rose smirked at me, "No, Alice is better at this than all of us, the guys included. She's going to do what I just did, but from her side, throwing the bottle over the roof of the car," she finished as I gaped at her.

"Are you for real right now?" I asked, because that was some kind of bad ass ninja shit there.

"Yep," Alice drawled right before swinging her arm up in the air towards the roof of the car. A loud bang sounded seconds later when the bottle made contact with the sign. So fucking bad ass.

"Alright your turn," Rose said, switching places with me. I grabbed the bottle and did like she said but missed, a lot. But fuck that, I didn't just down four beers to not hit one fucking sign. It took several throws, but I finally hit one of those fuckers and it was the coolest fucking thing ever. I'm totally fucking awesome. Swan for the win, mother fucker.

After getting rid of all the bottles in the back we resumed drinking the ones in the front and finishing off the bowl from earlier. At this point we were all pretty fucking lit and were all quiet, enjoying the fucking buzz.

"So, Bella," Alice started, shooting a quick look over at me, "how are you?" she asked. And fuck, I guess I should have known there was no way around this conversation when they picked me up in the first place.

"Fan-fucking-tastic," I said sarcastically before blowing out a huge breath. "Sorry," I sighed. "I just, fuck," I choked feeling emotional and girly and depressed. "I miss him," I whispered, looking out the window.

"Then fix it." Alice stated matter of fact. I looked over at her for a second, she made it sound so simple.

"It is simple," she said, answering my not-so-inner inner monologue.

"I know," I agreed for the first time, because really, it was.

"Then you know what you need to do," she said, and if I didn't know better, I'd say she seemed a little pissed off. "He misses you, too," she added, not looking at me.

"I know," I admitted, feeling so fucking stupid. "I know what I have to do."

"Then do it. Fix it," she said again before focusing back on the road.

I sat in the car, staring out the window and thought over the conversations I'd had with Edward and Jane and now Alice. I was a fucking moron and knew exactly what I needed to do it fix everything. I smiled over at Alice and Rose, big, wide, and fucking cheesy, causing them to do the same.

"Does this mean you'll shower now, because I love you, but you smell like a homeless person," Rose laughed, holding her nose.

"Yes, I'll fucking shower," I chuckled, bumping her shoulder with mine. We rode the rest of the way to my house in relative silence until I heard Rose mumbling something. I looked over to see her bobbing her head and grinning while Alice had a scowl on her face. What the hell was Rose singing, the radio wasn't even on right now.

"Rose, I know that I'm stoned, and more than a little drunk, but what the hell are you singing over there with no music playing?" I asked, which caused her to grin and Alice to huff.

"It's the El Camino song," she said. "Do you know it?" she asked and I shook my head no.

She grinned at me then cut her eyes over to Alice. "El Camino, El El Camino. The front is like a car, the back is like a truck. The front is where you drive, and the back is where you...El Camino, El El Camino," she finished, laughing. I couldn't stop the laugh that came from me, already feeling lighter knowing that I was going to do as Alice had said, I was going to fix this shit.

As soon as I got home I hauled ass up the stairs and into my room. I sat down at my desk and logged onto The Art Institute's website. I knew that all of the schools were connected, but each one had different credentials you had to meet for acceptance. I wasn't really worried about not getting in by not meeting their guidelines, but I was worried about missing a deadline. Hopefully I would be able to get processed faster since I'd already turned in all of the necessary paperwork.

I filled out all of the required forms for requesting a transfer and attached them all in an email, my finger hovering over the send button. There was no going back after this. I took a deep breath and clicked the send button. The moment I did a smile burst across my face and giddy nerves fluttered around in my stomach.

I wasn't going to tell Edward that I had applied for the transfer until I knew I was going to be accepted. There was no need in disappointing us both. I received an automatic receipt notification letting me know I should receive a response within three to five business days. Fuck, this was going to be the longest week of my life.

I stood from the desk and stumbled as I tripped over another pile of clothes that had appeared in the middle of the floor. I looked around my room at all of the mess I has let build up. Fuck, I was a pig. I looked down at my clothes and decided cleaning my room would have to wait, I really needed a fucking shower first.

_I'm never going this long without showering again...hopefully._

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><p><strong>AN:**

**Liv- You know who is boss at back roads QB?**

**Meg- Hm. No idea. Who? *wide grin***

**Liv- Well me, obviously, but there was this really cool chick who came and stayed with me over Thanksgiving, who did not miss ONE sign on her first ever time out. It was pretty bad ass, just sayin.**

**Meg- That IS pretty bad ass (and fucking awesome and completely on the DL readers)**

**Liv- It's also pretty bad ass that we don't have to fuck Bella up, too.  
><strong>

**Meg- You don't know how close I was to flouncing her ass (or maybe you do because I whine to you a LOT)**

**Liv- The fact that you were okay with me cutting all her hair off gave me a pretty good idea...**

**Meg- *shrugs* She could look cute with a wig. **

**Liv- Wigs are good. Okay, lets go play on Twitter and find more Llama Gifs...**

**Meg- Let's. Thanks for reading, lovelies.**


	20. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Nineteen<strong>

One week. Five days. Or one hundred twenty hours if you wanted to get technical, which I didn't, because this week had nearly killed me. As much as Edward and I tried to keep our distance we couldn't seem to stay apart for longer than a couple of hours. I wanted to tell him about the transfer, so many times, but the fear of seeing the disappointment in his face if something were to go wrong was enough for me to hold my tongue.

I had tried to dodge Charlie's insistent questions as well, until I heard from the school, but he finally cornered me when I was getting ready for my shift after school on Friday.

"Are you on drugs?" Charlie asked, blocking my path as I gaped at him. Was he serious right now? There was no way he so blind that he didn't realize I was on to him and his fake ass Salvia. And he _had_ to know that either me or one of my friends had gotten him fucked up on weed brownies at Christmas.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that, so I'm going to just avoid it altogether and let you believe the worst," I quipped, trying to side step him.

"Don't sass me, young lady," he replied in a rather strict tone, looking a little pleased with himself.

"You're getting better at that." I commended him on his parenting skills and he gave me an appreciative nod. "Fine. I'm not on drugs, okay? Why? You need some?"

"Bells, this isn't funny," he groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what to think. You're fidgety and on edge and you obviously haven't been sleeping much because you look like shit-"

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"...and, quite frankly, you're scaring the shit out of me. I know things were weird between you and Edward, but is that really all this is about?"

I swallowed and nodded, feeling a little bad that I had been scaring him for the past week. I patted his shoulder and he gave me an odd look, glancing between my face and my hand that was resting on his arm.

"Maybe you should sit down for this," I said in a quiet voice.

"Holy fucking shit. You're not..." he gave me a once over, "you're pregnant," Charlie sputtered, pulling away. "Was it Edward?" he angrily snapped. And what the fuck? This caught me off guard.

"Who else would have gotten me pregnant?" I asked seriously. "I don't hang out with anyone else," I pointed out.

"How could you both be so stupid and irresponsible?" he yelled, pushing past me and heading towards the front door.

What the fuck was going on? The look in his eyes told me he was pissed. The way his hands were shaking told me he was looking for someone to strangle. The little recap in my head of what was just said told me I was an idiot and that this was a huge misunderstanding.

"Uh, Dad? I'm not pregnant. So...this is awkward. Please don't kill Edward. I like him...a lot. So much, in fact, that I applied to the Art Institute in Austin..." I trailed off, watching his brows furrow then unfurrow as he realized what I'd said.

"So...you're not pregnant?" he asked as his forehead creased in confusion. "I thought you said-"

"No! I didn't say that. Or, I mean, it sounded like that, but I was just saying if it _were_to happen it would be Edward, no one else." I paused, trying to ignore the glare he sent my way. "Okay, can we just...stop. This is too much."

"Yeah, that'd be good," Charlie agreed with a shake of his head. "So...Texas, huh?"

"Yes." I nodded, feeling self conscious at the way he was eying me with a small, knowing smile. "This isn't, like, some hasty decision or anything. I've been freaking myself out for the past two weeks, but I think it's the right choice. I know I was set on New York but, like you said, people and plans change."

"I think all of that sounds fine, Bell. Just as long as, you know, your...body doesn't change," Charlie added with a grimace, glancing at my stomach again. And holy hell.

"That's just..." I trailed off, dropping my head and crossing my arms over my chest. "I mean, that advice isn't really necessary, but alright. I get what you're saying. Now please stop." Because, seriously, what the fuck? I was not pregnant! There was no way. Or, I mean, there was a way, sure, because I was...sexually active. But...no. There was no way.

Charlie nodded in agreement to shut the fuck up as he smoothed a hand over his mustache. "So, you applied, but when do you find out if you were accepted?"

"Soon, I hope. I haven't mentioned anything to Edward yet because I don't want to get his hopes up," I explained, feeling the tightening of my throat as I thought of not being accepted.

"I'm sure everything will work out," Charlie offered, awkwardly patting my shoulder once, twice, then pulling away.

"Thanks," I mumbled, grateful for how supportive he was, even it we were awkward as fuck about it.

"Edward's a good kid and I'm happy I won't have to worry about you going away now," Charlie admitted, laughing at my glare.

"I want to take offense to that, but I guess I can't." I shrugged, knowing he was probably right. I didn't make the best decisions even when living in the same town as my dad. I couldn't imagine what I'd get into if I'd never met Edward. Death by stripper pole was not a respectable way to die. Charlie cleared his throat, pulling me out of my thoughts of the past and I let out a sigh.

"Honestly, I'm glad you figured everything out. I know Jane was this close," he brought his index finger and thumb together, "to telling you Monday was Take Your Child To Work Day."

"Right." I laughed, shaking my head at Jane's ridiculousness. "Like I wouldn't have noticed her forcing me into a straight jacket."

"Who knows. You_ did _think the oven was gas," he pointed out, giving me a stern look.

"My emo days are over, don't worry," I promised as he ruffled my hair with a chuckle.

I ignored Charlie's look of relief and grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen, and bag of chips, and an apple from the counter. I crossed the kitchen and noticed a pack of M&M's on the desk and snatched those up, too. No need to tempt fate and possibly lose a tooth from that nasty shit at the store.

I walked into the office and put my bag up and all of the other shit that I had brought with me. Why the fuck did I have so much food with me? I wasn't even fucking hungry. Maybe I was just being prepared in case Edward or someone stopped by with some weed and we got the munchies. Either that or Charlie had planted some subconscious seed in my head that was fucking with me.

Just to be sure, I pulled the sandwich out of the bag, tore it in half and threw it in the trash. I'm not really sure why, but I felt better about not having so much food now. Because surely throwing away half an uneaten sandwich wasn't fucking weird at all. I rolled my eyes at myself and left the office and my buffet.

The rest of the afternoon passed faster than I would have thought. Apparently the store got pretty busy on a Friday night. I kind of made a game out of seeing if I could influence customers into buying shit they really didn't need. I even managed to talk an old lady into buying a pack of Bubble Yum, although it looked like her false teeth were barely hanging on by a thread as it was. Eh, I was helping the economy out in some way I was sure.

It was about twenty minutes until the store closed and I was expecting to see Edward any minute now. It was both good and bad, because I loved seeing him, but not telling him about Austin was killing me. As much as I protested about him coming here and closing with me, it was nice to have that little bit of extra time with him.

I was just getting ready to check the clock again when my phone rang. I snatched it out from under the counter and saw Edward's name flashing across the screen.

"Hey," I answered.

"Hey."

"Wud up?" I asked like the gangsta I was. He laughed into the phone, but it sounded off. "What's wrong?" I asked, a little more serious this time.

"I'm just fucking exhausted," he groaned. "I went over to my grandparents after school and my grandpa had me doing shit for him around the house. I swear he was just making up shit that he wanted moved just to torture me," he whined. God, he even sounded hot when he whined, how the fuck was that even possible?

"Bella?" he asked, pulling me from my thoughts. Shit, my mind was wondering more than normal lately.

"Yeah, uh, sorry. I'm here."

"Are you okay?" he asked, sounding more and more concerned.

"Mhm," I hummed, realizing I was going to have to walk out into the creepy parking lot by myself. Almost like he was reading my thoughts, Edward spoke again.

"So, are you almost done? Will you at least stay on the phone with me until you get to your car?"

"Yeah, sure, that's cool," I replied all breezy and shit like I wasn't thankful as fuck that he'd be on the phone with me.

"I'm sorry, I should have just came by there, but I'm so fucking tired," he said, yawning into the phone.

"Seriously, it's fine," I said and I meant it. This way I didn't have to look at him and try and keep from opening my big fat mouth. I shut off the lights and locked up the doors in the back before stepping out the front door and locking it behind me. The only sound was the light breathing of Edward into my ear and the wind. Aaaand it was even more creepy than I fucking remembered.

"Distract me," I said into the phone, just kinda standing in front of the door like a moron instead of walking my ass to my car.

Edward let out a throaty laugh and I pictured him lying in his bed, curled under the blanket...naked. Okay, that was a good, nice, _sexy _distraction. I started walking through the lot, keeping my vision locked on my car.

And that's when I saw him. Standing near my car. Eyes black as night, peering into my motherfucking soul.

"Stay where you are!" I screamed, making my voice loud and threatening as I stopped in my tracks.

"Bella?" I heard Edward speak in my ear. "Who the fuck are you talking to?"

"I know how to...kick! And pinch!" I lamely threatened as I managed to drop my car keys. I kept my eyes on the predator, leaning down to feel around in front of me for the keys.

"What the fuck is going on?" Edward asked, sounding panicked.

"He won't look away. It's like...it's like a staring contest. What the fuck? What does he want?" I whispered, finally grabbing my keys and slowly standing up.

"You're freaking me the hell out," I heard Edward yell into the phone, scrambling around in his room. "Is someone there? Christ, the one fucking time..."

"He's moving. He's makin' a move!" I screamed, flailing about, managing to drop my phone on the pavement. Luckily it's a piece of shit, so the thing didn't crack as it ping ponged across the parking lot. "You stay back!" I hissed at the raccoon that was slowly crawling towards me. I swear to God the nasty little fucker was smirking at me as he walked closer to my phone, sniffing around it.

"Take it if you must! Just go! Shoo!" I yelled, stepping backward. The raccoon looked back up at me, probably sensing that I was a pussy motherfucker, then slowly crawled away, leaving me unharmed. I watched with hesitation as he disappeared around the side of the store before scrambling to pick up my phone.

"Bella? What the fuck? Are you there?" I heard Edward scream as I brought the phone to my ear.

"Sorry. Hi. It's me. The idiot," I mumbled, walking towards my car, but not before I looked back once more to make sure the raccoon fucker was really gone. I wouldn't put it past the raccoon to be waiting for me to think it's safe, and then attack.

"Mind telling me what the fuck is going on?" Edward yelled and I heard him start his truck.

"Stop. It's fine. I'm okay. Get out of your truck," I murmured, unlocking my car, then locking myself inside...but not before glancing in the back seat. "There was...a raccoon."

"A raccoon," he deadpanned. And then proceeded to burst out laughing.

"Yes. But I showed him who was boss. He's long gone now." I sighed, trying to pull myself together. This was a low point for me and I think we both knew it. Hopefully, if I were lucky, we'd never speak of this after tonight.

"Holy shit." Edward wheezed out laughing and I gave him a minute to catch his breath. "I thought...I thought you were being attacked. But...a raccoon? Baby. I mean...just..."

"You didn't see his eyes!" I screamed. "They were blood thirsty, soulless, beady little eyes."

"Right," Edward agreed with another laugh. "First it was the squirrel. Do I need to kick a raccoon's ass now, too?"

"Hilarious. I'm hanging up now," I deadpanned, trying not to laugh right along with him. "Go get some rest. And keep in mind you're closing tomorrow night with the blood thirsty raccoon, so we'll see who's laughing then," I added before hanging up.

I spent the ten minute drive to my house trying to slow my heart rate because that almost-animal attack really freaked me the fuck out. I stumbled up to my room, luckily not running into Charlie or Jane, because I knew I'd spill to them what had happened and the less people that could make fun of me for it, the better.

As my laptop booted up, I washed my face and brushed my teeth so I could hop into bed after checking my email. I grabbed my laptop and sat on the bed and tried to breathe as I noticed an email from the Art Institute in my inbox. I took a deep breathe before I opened it, and then proceeded to immediately freak the fuck out.

I skimmed the email, feeling a smile take over as I read that my transfer from the New York school was successful. Motherfuck, it was final. I was accepted and I was going to be in the same city with Edward. I read over everything twice until the words became too blurry from my happy tears and I was no longer able to see.

I reached for my cell phone, wanting to tell Edward the good news, but then I stopped myself. I knew he was tired, probably already asleep, and telling him in person would be so, so much better. I set my phone back down and opened the linked attachment to print out the letter stating I was accepted. I decided handing Edward this letter would be the best way to let him know he was going to be stuck with me. Seeing his face as he read it would be worth it because_ he _was so fucking worth it.

I printed out the letter; folding it over a few times and sticking it under my keys before I crawled into bed. Trying to sleep turned out to be completely fucking hopeless because I was so fucking ecstatic. I picked up my phone a dozen times to call him before throwing it back downed like it'd burned me. If I called Edward right now and tried to explain things to him after the raccoon showdown he'd try and have me committed for sure.

By the time I got ready for work the next morning I was a fucking mess. I had dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping and my entire body was sore from flailing around all night. But none of that mattered because I was so fucking happy I was vibrating. I snatched up the approval letter and bolted from my room.

"Good morning," I practically sang. I might have even bounced on my toes a little. Charlie and Jane looked up from their coffee, exchanging a knowing glance before echoing my sentiment.

"So, no more rusty pink razors or headly baking attempts?" Jane joked...badly. I gave her the side eye wondering what the two of them had been up to so early this morning. She grinned at me and jumped up from her chair, deciding to abandon her lame attempt at a joke.

"So, you got in?" she asked excitedly. The moment she said those words all thoughts of bad jokes were forgotten as I nodded furiously. She made a sound somewhere between and screech and a squeal before she lunged herself at me. I stumbled backwards, caught off guard by her enthusiasm before I hugged her back tightly.

"Thank you," I whispered in her ear. I knew it wasn't enough to express how grateful I was to her for everything that she had said and done, but it was a start. She pulled back looking at me like I would imagine a mother would look at their daughter, before shaking her head and laughing.

"I'm just really glad I don't have to plan your funeral, that shit would have sucked," she chuckled and, okay, maybe a really bizarre fucking mother. But I wouldn't have her weird, weed smoking, hippie ass any other way. Charlie cleared his throat, causing my eyes to dart over to him. Was that sappy fucker...crying? He had a soft smile on his face, his eyes glistening. Or maybe they were just glazed, it was hard to tell.

"Well, this has been fun, but I got candy to sell," I joked and grabbed a bagel before bolting out the front door.

Things were pretty much as I expected them to be at the store on a Saturday morning: boring as fuck. I wondered what the hell Edward did when he worked here in the mornings. I stepped back from the counter and knocked into the trashcan, hearing something rattle around inside. I peered over to get a better look and noticed a couple of packs of Tic Tacs dumped out in the bottom of the can. Huh, I wonder what that's all about.

By the time it was almost the end of my shift I had come up with a million different ways to tell Edward about the transfer. They ranged from spelling it out with the mystery Tic Tacs in the trash can across the counter, to just straddling him and panting it out as I rode him. Apparently the last option was from my lack of sex over the past week. The bell jingled above the front door causing me to bolt from my seat.

"Hey there, Bella," Dr. C greeted me as he walked into the store carrying a few boxes.

"Dr. C.!" I practically yelled and watched him slightly flinch. "Yo! Wudup? Here, lemme help you. Take a load off," I said with a weird ass chuckle and grabbed the boxes from his hands. And then the boxes immediately fell to the floor because they were fucking heavy as shit.

"Uh..." Dr. C. stared at the contents of the boxes that has spilled on the floor. "Really, that was...kind, and rather odd of you, but I got this. Thanks though."

And then the fucker side eyed me. I chose to ignore that shit for now and stooped down to grab all the shit I dropped on the floor and put it back in the box.

"So, what are you doing here?" I asked, noticing it was almost time for my shift to end, which meant that Edward would be here any minute.

"I came by to stop you from being late," he said, grabbing a couple of cans of...something and throwing them back into the boxes.

"Late? Why would I be late? Why does everyone think I'm pregnant?" I screeched, starting to freak out that everyone kept talking about me being pregnant. Dr. C's face drained of any color and all of the cans he was holding rolled onto the floor as he stood there frozen. What the hell was his problem?

"You're pregnant?" he whispered, leaning against the counter top. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Of course I'm not pregnant!" I yelled, my arms flailing around before I pointed a finger at him. "You are the one who was talking about me being late," I pointed out triumphantly.

"So, you're not pregnant?" he asked, his brows pulling together in confusion. I sighed. He'd started this conversation and now _he _was the one confused? It must be all that formaldehyde he inhaled.

"No," I said, exasperated before I realized that maybe he was talking about something entirely different. "What did you mean by 'late'?" I asked, completely confused now. Dr. C shook his head at me, the color slowly returning to his face as he wiped the sweat that had beaded around his brow with the back of his hand.

"I meant that I was here so that you wouldn't have to work late. Edward is helping Esme with something and is running late," he said, still seemingly in a daze. Well, this was awkward, again.

"Oh," I said dumbly, feeling like a complete idiot right now. "Wait, what do you mean Edward is running late? Is he coming in at all?" I asked, feeling frustrated and disappointed.

"No, he'll be here, but not until later. I left Emmett at the clinic and came over here to relieve you," he said, resuming his task of picking up all of the shit I'd dropped all over the floor.

"You didn't have to do that," I pointed out. " I would have stayed."

"Well, I needed to bring this stuff by here anyway, so it worked out."

"So, Emmett's working today?" I asked, figuring if I wasn't going to see Edward right now I might as well find something to do to occupy my time.

"Yeah, he's there, he taking care of a couple livestock animals that were just brought in," he replied absently. Well, that would definitely keep me busy.

"I think I'll go over there and see if he needs any help," I commented, throwing a couple of cans into the box. I looked up at Dr. C whose eyes had widened comically.

"Are you sure about that? The last couple of times you guys were out in the stalls, things ended...badly..." he trailed off, his nose wrinkling.

"Well, I have no intention of anything like that happening again," I snipped, a little grossed out at the thought of reeking of shit again. Dr. C just raised a brow at me before grabbing the box and rising to his feet. I shuffled back and forth for a second before going into the office and grabbing my bag.

I pulled the acceptance letter out and turned it over in my hands a couple of times before grabbing a pen. I scrawled Edward's name across the outside and set in on top of the desk. Then picked it up and cleared all of the other shit on the desk out of the way so that it was the only piece of paper there. There was no way that he could miss it but, just in case, I grabbed a hot pink post it note and wrote 'read the letter' on it and stuck it to the phone. I stepped back, proud of my work and turned, leaving the office.

Dr. C was coming out of the back the same time I was leaving the office, so I told him that I'd left something on the desk for Edward and to make sure he got it. He looked a little taken aback by my stern tone, but that shit was important.

I left the store, deciding against going home first and headed straight to the clinic. Some one on one time with Emmett was sure to make the day pass in a hurry. I jumped out of my truck and went around towards the back where the stables were. As soon as I came around the side of the building I saw Emmett pulling on those ugly ass boots. Looked like he was getting ready to get knee deep in shit again.

"Sup, Buttercup, what brings you by here?" he asked, grinning at me. I laughed and made my way over to stand beside of him, shrugging my shoulders as I looked up at him.

"Just killing time."

"Time, Edward, all of us. You're just a regular killing machine," he joked with an airy tone. I punched him in the arm; fucker was being a smart ass and he knew it.

"Okay, I can understand why you might say that about Edward, but how the hell am I killing you guys?" I asked, seriously not understanding where he was going with this. He looked down at me and rolled his eyes.

"Are you serious right now? I feel like I should check the barn every time I get here to make sure Edward's not swinging from the rafters," he said seriously. I stood there with my mouth hanging open and my face all twitchy with shock, feeling more than a little pissed. So, I punched his ass again.

"Why the fuck would you say something like that?" I yelled. "That not something you should be joking about, ass," I added and crossed my arms over my chest. Emmett looked at me apologetically while rubbing his arm.

"I knew I should have went with sexual tension," he mumbled.

"What?"

"Sexual tension. I should have went with that, cause the two of you are right back to where you were before you started fucking, and _that_," he emphasized, "really is fucking killing us."

"Emmett, you are retarded. And I'm done killing everyone as of last night," I stated proudly, watching as Emmett's eyebrows rose comically on his face.

"So, you and Edward are back together?" he asked, a huge smile lighting his face.

"Well not yet, technically, but we will be," I said confidently. All this bullshit was about to be behind us for good.

"You've decided to go to Austin? When are you going to apply for school?"

"I already did." I grinned.

"When do you find out if you get accepted? Have you told Edward yet? There's no fucking way Edward knows yet or you wouldn't be hanging out here with me right now," he said, winking at me. I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't hold the bitchface for long. I was just too fucking excited.

"I've already been accepted. I was going to tell Edward after I got off work, but he was with Esme and running late, so I left him my acceptance letter and decided to come and hang with you to pass the time."

The next thing I knew I was flying through the fucking air as Emmett yelled. I think the fucker even tossed me in the air a little bit.

"Fucking hell, Emmett!" I screeched as he set me back on my feet. "I get that you're excited, but could you express your excitement with me standing upright? Shit," I laughed, flipping him off.

"Sorry, Swan. I couldn't help myself." He grinned and whipped out a joint from the pocket of his shirt. "Looky here. We need to celebrate."

I stared at the joint in his hand and gave him a small chuckle. Smoking _was _a good way to celebrate, but...

"Maybe later," I suggested, pulling my shirt down to smooth out the wrinkle he'd created a few seconds ago.

"'Later' my ass! We're celebrating now! Then maybe we can celebrate later, too, after you tell Edward."

"I don't know," I mumbled, shaking my head.

"Here. C'mon," he said, shoving the joint between his lips and taking a pull as he lit the end. "Ah. This shit's so good. From ole Eddie's stash, too. I know it's your favorite." He inhaled once more than handed me the joint. I stared blankly as he laughed. "Dude, just-"

"It's not good for the baby!" I screamed, watching the blood drain from Emmett's face. And, fuck me, why did I scream that shit? I knew I wasn't fucking pregnant. Fuck Charlie and Dr. C for getting in my head. "Sorry, I...yeah. That was...ha ha..." I trailed off with a fake laugh, grabbing the joint that was now on the ground in front of Emmett's feet.

"The fuck?" he finally asked once he was able to speak. "You're knocked up?"

I took a pull from the joint and said, "No. Fuck, that was weird, and don't make me explain."

He stared at me for a long second. "It might make sense though. You're all hormonal...breaking up with Ed and then wanting to get back with him. And your cheeks are full. Your ass jiggles a little more lately."

"Fuck you, you fucking asshole!" I screeched, shoving his chest. "I am not fucking pregnant. I was just being an idiot. God."

Emmett broke out into laughter and grabbed the joint from me. "Ah, fine. I was messing with you. You are an idiot, but we already knew that."

"I'd rather be an idiot than pregnant," I sneered, rolling my eyes. "And fuck you for saying I have a fat ass," I added, taking the joint back from him.

"I was just messing with you, Swan. You've kinda been a drag to be around lately to be honest, with all that mopey emo shit and the not showering and all," he said, laughing. "It's nice to have you back," he added, slapping me on the back and causing me to stumble forward. I tried to shoot him a glare but my eyes were already almost closed from the weed so I basically just squinted at him.

"Come on, you wanna see the sow back here and her piglets?" he asked, grinning at me. I'd never seen any baby pigs before, and we'd be in the barn. It'd be like Charlotte's web, but without the fucking spider. I'd kill the shit out of that fucker, I don't give a fuck how many words it could spell.

"You want your boots?" he asked, nodding towards my feet.

"Do baby pigs shit as much as horses?" I asked, really not wanting to consider seeing that much shit again as long as I lived. Emmett let out a booming laugh scaring the shit out of me before flinging his arm over my shoulders and leading me into the barn.

"No, I just didn't want you to slip and fall, you know how these floors can be," he said, looking at me pointedly. I looked down at my Vans and shrugged. They had pretty good traction, I'd be fine. He shook his head at me, but let it go and led me towards the back corner of the barn.

As soon as we came around the last stall I saw the fattest pig I'd ever seen. Well, the only pig I'd ever seen. It was laid on its side with five tiny little piglets going to town. They actually looked...cute? I don't know if it was the weed or my bizarre obsession with pregnancy, but I just had to hold one.

"Hey, I wanna hold one," I said, elbowing Emmett in the side. He looked over at me with a raised brow so I nodded my head letting him know I was serious. He walked over to the pig and pulled one of the babies away that had just moved back a little from its mom. It gave a half grunt and squeal as Emmett picked it up, but quieted as soon as he pulled it to his chest.

"Oh my god, it's so fucking cute," I squealed...like a fucking pig. "Gimmie," I said, reaching out for the little roll of pink fat. I pulled it to my chest and it rooted its face against the side of my neck, its wet, cold nose causing me to jump. I pulled it away from me quickly and accidentally squeezed it a little around its stomach. And then happened. It shit on me. For real, fucking pig shit on my hands and down my shirt. What the motherfuck?

"Emmett!" I yelled, trying to get the fucking demon pig away from me, but not actually wanting to drop it either. Yelling for Emmett was fucking useless though since he was on his ass laughing at me as pig shit dripped down my fucking hands. I kept walking backwards, although it served no purpose in putting distance between me and the pig since I still had the little squealing, grunting fucker in my hands. He _so_ wasn't fucking cute anymore. I was gonna go home and eat a pound of bacon after this shit.

"Swan, lookout!" Emmett screamed, choking and laughing his fucking ass off at me. But it was too late, the next step I took landed in something soft and wet and slick; and on my ass I went. In shit. Horse shit. Again.

"Mother fucker!" I screamed as I tried to roll to the side and avoid a direct hit, all the while trying not to drop the fucking pig that caused all of this fucking mess to begin with. I managed to miss the majority of it and land mostly on the hay, but part of my jeans were definitely covered in shit.

As soon as I was on the ground I let that little fucker go and wiped my hands on my jeans wanting to clean them so fucking bad, only to smear pig shit all over the front of my jeans. Pig in the front, horse in the back; I was like a fucking mythical creature or some shit.

"Oh my fucking God," Emmett gasped, walking over to me. "I have missed the fuck outta your ass," he said, pulling me to my feet, not even seeming to care that I still had shit everywhere.

"Awe, I missed you, too, pig fucker," I said sweetly. Then I hugged him as hard as I could. He stiffened, realizing that he was now wearing shit on his clothes as well before he chuckled.

"I can't even be mad, I'm just glad to have you back, Swan," he said, pulling me out of the barn. We walked into the clinic to clean up and as soon as I walked through the door, Dr. C looked up. He eyed me once, shook his head and then turned and walked towards his office without saying a word. I did hear him chuckle right before he closed the door though. I had to hand it to him; fucker did call this shit. I cleaned off my hands and arms and shoes the best I could and told Emmett I was going to head out.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride. I'm in my dad's old shitty work truck. You can change and come back for your car later," he offered and I nodded. If I didn't have to ride in my car in these clothes I sure as fuck wasn't going to.

Once we pulled onto my street, my heart immediately stopped. There Edward was, sitting on the tailgate of his truck, staring at the ground. I'm pretty sure I reached for the door handle and Emmett yanked me back by my shirt, telling me to at least wait until he had the car parked. I gave him a small smile, not only thanking him for not letting me jump out of a moving vehicle, but for distracting me for the past few hours.

Edward looked up and met my eyes when Emmett finally parked. He nodded, which I'm sure was a way of greeting Emmett, but he never looked away from me. I fumbled with the door handle until Emmett sighed dramatically and reached over to open it for me.

"I know you're going to be busy making up and shit, but make sure you shower cause, fuck," Emmett said with disgust. I hugged him, making sure to rub my shit smelling self all over him before I flipped him off and got out of the car. I waited to make a move until he backed out of the driveway and was out of sight.

Edward's feet swung back and forth as and I waited for him to speak while I fumbled with the keys in my hand. I looked back up and saw the small smile playing with his lips. Of course, he was waiting for me to speak first.

"God. Took you fucking long enough," I muttered, noticing he was clutching the acceptance letter in his hand. "I was starting to think you were either blind and didn't see that sitting on the desk, or that you didn't care."

He opened his mouth to speak then snapped it shut. I watched as his long legs stopped swinging for a second to allow him to hop off the tailgate. But, still, he made no move towards me.

"Took _me_ long enough? Come on," he let out a laugh, "this was never about me taking too long. This was about you," he said quietly, sadly, burning his gaze into me.

The corners of my eyes started burning, but I couldn't be bothered to care. I let out a sigh, feeling dumb for ever doubting us; for breaking up with him; for making this difficult.

"I know," was all I managed to mumble as I looked down and away.

"Is this for real?" he asked in a low voice, and I looked up to see him holding the acceptance letter in front of him. "You're going to the Art Institute in Austin? You're going to Texas with me?"

I laughed, feeling the stream of tears falling down my cheeks. "Yeah. That's what it says, right? Can you read?" I asked playfully, loving the way he beamed back at me.

"Of course I can fucking read," he half yelled, half laughed.

"Why are you yelling?" I asked, wiping at my cheeks, wishing he'd just walk the fuck over here because I couldn't move.

He shook his head and set the paper on the tailgate. "Why are you crying?" he asked, softer this time.

"Because...because I missed you!" I said in frustration, feeling a new wave of tears coming. "I fucking missed you and I was stupid, but we know that now. So, don't let me do anything stupid again or I'm blaming you."

"Are you done?" he asked with a smirk and I nodded. "Good. Now get the fuck over here, Pockets."

And with that, I fucking bolted from where I was standing and ran directly towards him. I jumped up as he caught me, his arms held me tight, so fucking tight...and then we fell backward in the grass.

"Shit. Ow," he mumbled as I sat on top of him, straddling his waist.

"Are you okay?" I asked with laughter, tasting the salty tears that were flowing down my cheeks and over my lips.

Edward looked up at me, pushing my hair over my shoulder. "Yeah. I'm okay now."

He cupped my face, brushing away my tears with his thumbs before he pulled my head down and met me with his lips. The kiss was slow at first, warm lips on warm lips. But it wasn't enough. I deepened the kiss and he groaned into my mouth, moving his hands away from my face and down my back, over my ass.

I pulled away when he started laughing, burying my face against his neck. He kept his arms wrapped around me, rubbing his hands up and down my back. I felt him take a deep breath, and I knew he was inhaling my scent because that's exactly what I was doing as well.

"Pockets?" he mumbled and I pulled away. "Did you shower today?"

"Shut up! I've been brooding..." I trailed off as he rolled his eyes with a laugh. "Brooders don't shower," I pointed out.

"Good job, then. You smell like shit, baby."

"Yeah. Well, I didn't smell like shit until I went to help Emmett earlier to take my mind off everything. I was freaking the fuck out that it took you three hours to find the letter I left for you."

"I drove over here right after I found it sitting on the desk. I came as fast as I could," he admitted.

"Let's hope that's the only time you'll come as fast as you can," I quipped.

Edward rolled his eyes at my smart remark before slightly pushing his hips against mine and kissing me again.

"So, are you sure this is what you want?" I asked hesitantly. "I mean...I've smelled like shit for most the time you've known me, I get attacked by every fucking animal I come in contact with, and my verbal filter is completely fucking broken." I sighed dramatically.

"I mean, now that you mentioned all of that..." he trailed off, pulling a face as he sat up, keeping me on top of him. I slapped his chest and he grabbed my arm, giving me a smile.

"So? Are you sure?" I questioned again, needing to hear him say it like the hormonal teenage girl I was.

"I want you, Pockets," he whispered, kissing me softly. "But I also want you to go take a shower. Please," he teased, patting my ass as I stood.

"I don't know if there's a point in showering. I'm going to end up smelling like shit again sooner or later," I mumbled, walking towards the house.

"Hey!" Edward called out, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me against him. "I love you," he whispered against my ear.

"I love you, too," I whispered back, smiling.

"Go shower, and I'll come back by here in about an hour, okay?" he asked.

"Sounds perfect," I agreed and climbed the steps of the porch. And it really did sound fucking perfect. Everything was falling into place, just like it was meant to.

_I'm never gonna use livestock as a distraction again.  
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><p><strong>AN:**

**Liv- Can we stop fucking with Bella and the readers now and let them know if she's pregnant?**

**Meg: It's a big fat negative. Although, I was actually convincing myself earlier that she WAS pregnant. Pretty sure I tried convincing you as well...**

**Liv- Yeah, that shit's not happening, they still have a lot of shit to get into. Speaking of that, do we tell them now that there are only, like, three chapters left, or no?**

**Meg: *whispers* I think you just told them.**

**Liv- Oh, huh. Guess I did. **

**Meg: So, to recap: she's not pregnant (even though I still say she is), they're still going to get into shit (literally), and there are only 3 chapters left (snotsob). Weee. Thanks for reading, pretty people.**


	21. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.  
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><p><strong>Chapter Twenty<br>**

As was always the case when coming back from being anywhere near the clinic, I sprinted up the stairs and straight to the shower because getting animal shit off of me as quickly as possible was obviously a priority. I noticed that the house was eerily quiet, so I ran back to the front door, poking my head out realizing that both Charlie and Jane's cars were gone.

I had just gotten under the water when I heard the bathroom door creak open. I stiffened, my eyes darting around the shower looking for something that I could use as a weapon. The loofa with the long handle on it was my best bet, but I wasn't really sure what damage I could do with it other than lather someone to death.

I was almost hoping that it was Old Lady Dead Bits because the worst she could do was make moaning sounds at me, right? I mean, ghosts can't actually touch you...can they? Fuck. I was caught up in my thoughts about the last ghost movie I'd watched, until I heard clothing hitting the floor outside of the curtain. I grabbed the loofa in one hand and my shampoo bottle in the other...then set it back down and grabbed the cheaper of the two shampoo bottles.

I shoved the shower curtain back and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. Letting out a war cry, I squeezed my shampoo bottle as hard as I could and aimed where I imagined the person's face would be, then started whacking them with the loofa. Just when I raised my loofa for another smack, a familiar voice cut through my attack.

"Bella, what the motherfuck?" Edward yelled. I peeked an eye open at him and busted out laughing. He had shampoo running down the side of his face and his hair was soapy and matted flat on one side where I had hit him a couple of times with the loofa.

"Don't 'what the motherfuck' me," I sassed back at him, dropping the loofa and the shampoo in the bottom of the tub so I could put my hands on my hips. "What the hell were you thinking coming in here like that and scaring the shit out of me?" I waited a second for him to answer before I realized that he was naked and I really didn't give a fuck anymore that he scared me. I needed him in this shower with me right now.

It seemed Edward had the same idea since he didn't even bother to answer my question. Instead, he pushed me back into the shower until my back slammed against the wall and his mouth crashed into mine. Our movements were frenzied, desperate. Our hands were grabbing and tugging at one another, seeking skin that we had been unable to touch for weeks because I was an idiot. I reached down and grabbed his dick, pumping him a couple of times, causing his breath to hiss out between his gritted teeth.

"Fuck, baby, I've missed you so fucking much," he panted, his hand sliding down my stomach and between my legs. "Spread your legs for me a little," he whispered, nudging my legs apart with his foot. He brought his knee up a little, pressing it roughly against my clit, causing my entire body to stiffen. Fuck, I felt like I could come from just his thigh rubbing against me.

I did as he asked, and the next thing I knew he'd dropped to his knees, pulling my leg roughly by the back of my knee until it rested on his shoulder. My breathing came to a halt as he buried his face between my legs. I couldn't stop the porn star worthy moan that I let out as my other leg began to shake. I slammed one hand against the shower wall to steady myself as my other hand wound into Edward's hair, yanking it roughly. His teeth grazed over my clit at the same time he slammed two fingers inside of me.

"Fuck," I breathed out, knowing I was so fucking close but not wanting it to end just yet.

Then Edward looked up at me, and I knew he was fucking smirking because he knew how fucking good he was. And just like that, fire shot from my toes and crept up my body as my stomach tightened then exploded. He continued to pump his fingers inside of me, his tongue swirling my clit as I panted his name over and over again.

He slowly lowered my leg back to the floor, kissing his way up my hip, then my stomach. He lips lightly grazed my nipple, then he nipped with his teeth as his hand cupped my other boob. His mouth finally found my neck, where he placed a soft kiss before kissing me on my mouth.

"You're really awful at that," I commented, trying to catch my breath. "I think you're going to need a lot of practice."

He smiled widely. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah, definitely, and I happen to be available anytime you want to practice," I said, smiling against his lips. He chuckled again and thrust his hips against me, reminding me that I wasn't the only one who was in need of relief.

"Don't move," he warned playfully as he stepped out of the shower. I still had both of my hands splayed against the wall, my legs bent, unable to fully straighted from their jellied position. I barely nodded my head at him; that was as good as I could do at the moment. Seconds later he stepped back into shower, already having rolled the condom on.

He grabbed my wrists, sliding his hands up the length of my arms and over my shoulders until his fingers were cupping my neck, his thumbs sweeping back and forth across my cheeks. He didn't speak, just stared directly into my eyes with such an intensity that my throat began to tighten and my eyes began to sting. I was so stupid for leaving him, and knowing that I hurt him killed me.

"Don't ever do that to me again, Pockets," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

"Never."

He reached down and grabbed my hands, pulling my arms around his neck as he grinned at me wickedly. "You better hold on tight," he warned before bending his knees, placing both of his hands under my ass and lifting me into the air, my legs immediately wrapping around his waist. He lined our bodies together and pushed inside of me slowly.

"Fuck," he grunted, pulling out and pushing inside of me once more. I squeezed my legs tighter around his waist as he pushed my back against the shower wall giving him extra leverage. And then he fucked me hard and fast, slamming into me as our wet bodies collided together, my entire body bouncing against the wall with the force of his hips crashing into mine. He kissed me roughly as my nails dug into his shoulders. Holding on to me tightly, he pulled one hand out from under my ass and began rubbing his thumb against my clit.

"Come on, Bella. You've got another one in you, I know you do," he grunted, pressing harder with his hand and bending his knees a little more, changing the angle. And, fuck yes, I had one more in me. He slammed into me one last time, my entire body exploding into a million pieces at the same time that Edward began to twitch inside of me.

We stayed like that for several seconds, panting and spent and just holding one another because I knew that he missed this just as much as I had. And right as he was about to kiss me again, we heard a quick rap on the door, both of our eyes flying open as we stared wide eyed at one another.

"You better be glad that the smell of whatever shit you've been playing in today is stronger than the smell of the sex I'm sure you're having right now, Bella," Jane hissed at me through the closed door. And I giggled because, seriously, why the fuck Edward and I actually thought we weren't going to get caught is a fucking mystery. He shook his head at me, still wide eyed, but obviously understanding the reason for my laughter.

"Did you...did you just giggle?" Jane asked, sounding a little pissed.

"No?" I answered, my voice muffled from being buried in Edward's shoulder, who was still inside of me, no less.

"You have two minutes to get the fuck out of there before Charlie catches your ass, Bella," Jane warned before leaving the bathroom door.

That sent us both into action with Edward nearly dropping me since I was still pretty fucking soapy. He jumped out of the shower, drying off with one of my extra towels before throwing his clothes back on.

"Where do you want me to go?" he whispered.

"Just...go to my room. He knows you're here, your truck is out front right?" He nodded his head at me before leaning over and giving me a quick kiss. He turned towards the door, sticking his head out before darting out of the room and closing the door behind him. I finished cleaning up and got out of the shower, realizing that I didn't grab any clothes before coming into the bathroom. I slipped on my robe and checked to make sure the hall was clear before taking off to my room.

Edward was kicked back on my bed, feet hanging off the end as he read some book that he'd found lying around. As soon as he saw me he got up and made his way over to me, slipping his hand inside of my robe and rubbing the bare skin of my side.

"Unless you want Charlie to throw you out of that window, I suggest you let me get dressed before he pops in here and checks on us," I said swatting his hand away. He grinned at me boyishly and winked before turning on his heel and flopping back down on my bed. God, he was so fucking fine, he was going to be the death of me. I threw some clothes on and crawled onto the bed beside of him as he reached over and pulled me to his side, placing a kiss on my temple as I draped my arm over his chest.

"So, do you know what kind of housing options you'll have once we get to Austin?" he asked, playing with a strand of my hair.

"Well, the Art Institute doesn't offer traditional housing dorms like a university does, so I'll have to find an apartment."

"Really?" he asked with a raised brow.

"Yep."

"So, you're going to have to get a job when you get out there or what?"

"No. I have, well... I guess you'd call it a college fund?" I answered, not really sure what to call the money that Charlie had put back for me after my mom died.

"My mom had a pretty nice insurance policy, and when she died Charlie put most of it in an account for me to use for school when the time came. So, I don't have to worry about working and stuff and can just focus on school."

"We should go during spring break," Edward said, sitting up on the bed and nearly causing me to roll onto the floor. I narrowed my eyes at him as he fought not to laugh as my arms flailed trying to grab onto something. He pulled me up to him and pinned my arms when I trying to smack him.

"Stop it, we've got serious bidness to discuss."

"Bidness? Did you just say bidness?" I asked incredulously.

"Shush," he said, clamping his hand over my mouth. "Austin. Spring break. Apartment shopping. Let's do that." he said, trying not to laugh as I attempted to bite his hand that was still clamped over my mouth. I reached up and yanked his hand away sticking my tongue out at him.

"Fine."

"Great." He laughed and kissed me again.

"Well, we only have a couple of weeks, we should probably go ahead and check out flights," I said, getting up and grabbing my laptop. I had just opened up my computer when Charlie not so stealthy stuck his head around the door, his eyes darting around the room looking for God knows what.

"What's shaking, Dad?" I asked, feeling excitement starting to build at the idea of being alone with Edward for a few days in Austin.

"Just checking on you kids..." he trailed off, lingering in the door way. I wasn't exactly sure what he was stalling for, but I figured now was as good as time as any to let him know about our plans for Spring Break.

"So, hey, while you're here I wanted to let you know that Edward and I are going to fly out to Austin for spring break and do some apartment shopping," I said nonchalantly, already returning to my search.

"Like hell you are!" Charlie yelled, causing me to jump. I looked up and noticed that he had one hand gripping the door frame while the other was firmly planted on his hip. Well, didn't he look sassy.

"You know, the whole parental thing you have going on was cute for a while, but now it's just annoying."

"You and Edward are not shacking up together in Austin. Why would he ever buy the cow if you keep giving your milk away for free?" he asked, the hand on his hip now flailing around in the air. Edward started wheezing beside me and I knew it was because he was trying not to laugh. I elbowed him in the side before turning my attention back to Charlie.

"Did you just call me a cow?" I asked, my jaw hanging open. He had clearly lost his mind for real this time.

"What? No. It's just your milk, and the free giving of it," Charlie stuttered, his face growing more and more horrified with each word he said. Edward lost it then, rolling off the bed and onto the floor unable to stop from laughing at the complete inappropriateness of this conversation.

"What's going on in here?" Jane asked, popping her head around the corner. Edward was still rolling around in the floor looking like a kitten. I wondered if I threw a ball of yarn at him if he would bat it around. Jane looked at Edward on the floor before turning her gaze to me and Charlie as we stared at one another with equally red, horrified looks on our faces.

"Charlie...Bella's milk, free," Edward gasped from the floor causing me to jump from the bed and kick him in his ass. Fucker did not need to egg this shit on.

"Am I supposed to know what any of that meant?" Jane asked, looking equally amused and confused. I turned to her and sighed crossing my arms over my chest.

"Edward and I are looking for flights to Austin during spring break so we can go apartment shopping for me," I emphasised, staring pointedly at Charlie. "Charlie apparently had a clot form in his brain making him act completely insane," I finished, shaking my head.

"And I'm assuming you thought she meant they were going apartment shopping for a place for them to live together?" Jane asked Charlie with a raised brow. He nodded mutely, obviously realizing that it was probably best if he just kept his mouth shut at this point.

"Bella, don't you think that your dad should go with you to pick out an apartment?" Jane asked lowly. I shook my head at her.

"I mean, it's Spring Break. If we were going to Cancun or somewhere else, he wouldn't be going with me. How is this any different?" I asked, not understanding where exactly she was going with this.

"No, I know he wouldn't, but what if you find a place that you want? You'll need your dad to sign papers with you since you don't have a job. You'll also need money for a deposit and things like that as well, right?" she asked, looking between me and Charlie. And, damn it, she was right. If I did find a place that I liked I'd need him for all of those thing.

"Plus, it's not like we have to stay together the entire time. We can look for apartments during the day, and then you guys can go out and explore the city while Charlie and I go hang out on our own as well," she said, grinning at him.

"Wait, you're coming?" I asked, all of the sudden feeling much less apprehensive about the situation. I look of hurt flashed across her face before she spoke.

"I mean, if that's okay. I don't want to impose or anything, I just have some time off..." Jane trailed off, looking down. I'd never seen her look vulnerable or self conscious and I felt like shit that she'd misinterpreted my words.

"Hell yes it's okay!" I yelled, a little too loudly, and ran over to her giving her a tight hug. "Charlie is so much tolerable with you around," I whispered, grinning.

"Ah, I see, you have me around so you won't kill Charlie," she joked, poking out her lip out at me.

"Nah. I haven't killed him yet, but having you around makes things so much more entertaining."

"Well, if you two are done," Charlie huffed, "I guess you should go ahead and look into those plane tickets," Charlie said, eyeballing Edward. "I guess you're coming along, too," he added. Edward grinned and nodded, causing Charlie to roll his eyes. "Of course you are," he mumbled and turned, walking out of the room with Jane following right behind him. A second later we heard a thwack followed by Charlie yelling 'ow', causing Edward and I to start laughing all over again.

"Well, that was fucking painful," I sighed, falling back onto my bed.

"God, what I wouldn't have given to be around when it was just the two of you." I didn't even bother to comment, I just grabbed the pillow over my face and flung it at him, leaving my arm up in the air as I flipped him off. It looked like things were already back to normal.

We spent Sunday lounging around staying in our own little bubble, making up for all of the time we had lost just being with one another like this. We talked about the rest of the school year, summer, then what it was going to be like on our own in the fall. The pressure that had been surrounding us for the past few months had lifted and it was like everything was as it was meant to be.

Edward had spoken with his parents about going to Austin with me and they were trying to find someone to cover the store while we were both away. His dad was supposed to text him sometime later Monday morning so that I could let me dad know to go ahead and book the tickets.

"So, is everything all set with your parents?" I asked Edward as soon as I joined him and the rest of the gang at the lunch table.

"Yep. I told you everything was going to be fine."

"You guys suck. I can't believe you get to spend spring break in Austin apartment hunting." Rose pouted, shoving a forkful of salad in her mouth.

"It's not like we're going alone," I muttered, still annoyed that we weren't able to shake Charlie when we told him of our plans to go apartment hunting over spring break. Thank god Jane was tagging along, otherwise Edward and I would have ditched him at the airport when he was distracted.

"But still, we're all going to be here while you guys get to live it up in the big city," Emmett added, his pout almost as good as Rose's. I rolled my eyes at them, bunch of babies.

The next couple of weeks flew by, the weather was warming, the days getting longer, and spring was finally breaking out of winter's grasp. I was on photography overload, having lived in the city my entire life I was amazed watching the landscape change and grow in the country. Edward was as perfect as always, taking me to some of the more secluded areas that had really cool views, then getting me naked as soon as I put my camera away.

Before we knew it we were boarding our flight on our way to Austin. The flight was short and painless, Edward and I spent the entire time flipping through Sky Mall and wishing we owned every useless thing in the magazine. Charlie somehow fell asleep before the plane even took off, and Jane was busy doing some shit on her laptop.

Halfway there, Edward turned to me with a small smile. I stared back, feeling self conscious with the way he was looking at me.

"Hi?" I mumbled dumbly, wondering if I had some cream cheese on my face from the bagel I'd eaten earlier. "What are you smiling about?"

"I was thinking about Jasper-"

"The hell?" I interrupted. "Why are you thinking about Jasper?"

"Well, if you'd let me finish, I'd tell you," he snipped, chuckling at the concerned look on my face. "Jasper asked me to get him a bolo tie while we're in Texas."

"Why the hell would he want a bolo tie?"

"He wants to wear it to prom," Edward explained in a 'duh' tone.

"So...you were smiling because you were thinking of how cute Jasper is going to look in his bolo tie?" I asked, still confused as fuck.

"No. I was thinking of how gorgeous my prom date is going to look," he said, lowering his voice and raising his eyebrows.

"Prom?" I asked, wondering if I had missed something. "You have a date to prom?"

"Well, yeah. You're my date, Pockets..." he trailed off, letting out an awkward laugh.

"I don't recall ever being asked to prom," I sassed, crossing my arms.

"I just assumed you'd be my date," he stated before giving me a smirk. "Besides, I know you won't be able to resist once you see me in a suit."

And motherfuck, he was going to be wearing a suit. Of course I wouldn't be able to resist that. Fucker knew me too well.

"Okay. Yes, I'll go with you to prom. But you better buy me one of those corsages," I warned before kissing him. "The tackier, the better," I teased as he linked our hands together.

Once we landed, we gathered our luggage and took a cab to the hotel. Charlie grumbled about being hungry and wanting to find some place to eat, but Jane suggested we check in and get settled at the hotel first, then we could scrounge for food.

Edward, Jane and I stood and waited by the elevators as Charlie checked us in. He was freaking me the fuck out with how often he kept looking over at us while he spoke with the front desk.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Jane groaned while Charlie walked over, looking sheepish and up to no good.

"What?" I asked, confused at what she was griping about.

"Your dad is freaking the fuck out about the room situation, I just know it," she whispered, and I watched how Charlie's eyes flicked between Edward and me.

Edward laughed quietly and looked away while I sent a small glare in Charlie's direction. The four of us piled into the elevator with an awkwardly silent Charlie still glancing between Edward and me.

"So, here's what's going to happen," Charlie said once the elevator dinged and the doors opened. "We have two rooms, so I figured Jane could stay with you, Bella."

"Okay..." I trailed off, trying not to roll my eyes as we walked out into the hallway.

"That seems most appropriate," Charlie explained, nodding to himself. "So, Edward and I will share a room. Only makes sense."

I glanced over at Edward who was nodding all understanding and shit. What a fucking kiss ass. A fucking hot as hell kiss ass. I was about to open my mouth to dispute Charlie's plans when Jane spoke up.

"Give it a rest, Charlie. It's not as if we don't know the boy sneaks into her room every other night," she said, and my cheeks immediately began to burn as I thought back to Jane catching Edward and me in the shower the other day.

I shifted my eyes to Edward who was rubbing the back of his neck, looking even more uncomfortable than I felt. I guess it made sense since Jane just admitted my father knew my boyfriend was sneaking into my fucking room at night.

"Jane," Charlie said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's fine, really." Edward stepped in, agreeing with Charlie and playing his part of the gentlemanly boyfriend.

"She's going to be living here by herself in a few months. What's the difference of them sharing a hotel room for a few days, and him staying over at her apartment every night?" Jane asked in a strict tone, letting Charlie know she wasn't backing down. "Besides, if they share a room..." she trailed off and, motherfuck, I wanted to die from the look she gave Charlie.

"Alright," he grumbled, shaking his head."Just...remember what I said about the milk," he warned.

"Like I could ever forget." I sighed as Edward laughed next to me. I shot him a glare and narrowed my eyes. He better watch it or he'll be sharing a room with Charlie after all, I'd definitely be getting the better end of that deal. The thought of Edward having to share a room with Charlie caused a sly and slightly evil smile to spread across my face. Edward eyed me cautiously, before clearing his throat and pulling me in the opposite direction.

"So, what's the plan?" he asked, slipping the key card into the door. I peeked down the hall and noticed that Jane and Charlie had disappeared into their own room. Before Edward had a chance to clear the doorway, I shoved him into the room and onto the bed.

"Oomph," he wheezed before my mouth was attached to his. His arms came up around me, running his hands up and down my back before squeezing my ass with both hands.

"Well, this seems like a pretty good fucking plan to me." He rolled us over until he was hovering over me, our lips barley touching.

"I thought so."

"Bella!" Charlie shouted through the door. "You guys come on, I'm starving." Edward groaned, dropping his head to my shoulder before chuckling quietly.

"You know what I won't miss?" he asked, his voice muffled.

"Hmm?"

"Being cockblocked by your dad and everyone else in the state of Alabama," he sighed, rolling off of me and not so discreetly adjusting himself. I smiled and mouthed 'later' to him as I opened the door to our room where a very impatient Charlie and an equally annoyed Jane stood.

"Well, this looks like it's going to be tons of fun," I deadpanned.

It turned out to not be too bad after Charlie finally got some food in his stomach...and by 'food' I mean beer. I guess not having his stash handy was making him twitchy. As we ate dinner, Edward pulled out an apartment listing booklet that he snatched from the hotel lobby. We decided to spend tomorrow checking out the area close to the schools, both mine and Edward's. It didn't escape my notice that several of the apartment Edward had circled were pretty much right between his school and mine.

Over the next few days we were up at the crack of dawn, and by the time we made it back to the hotel Edward and I were both so exhausted that anything other than falling asleep was out of the question. I knew this was Charlie's way of keeping Edward and I too tired for anything that involved my milk, as he so traumatically called it. But I'd had enough of this shit. We'd found an apartment earlier today and tonight was our last night in Austin. I wanted to fucking celebrate, and if getting Charlie trashed was the only way to make that happen, then yippeekayay mother fucker.

"Where are we going again?" Charlie asked, smoothing his hands down the front of his jeans. Edward and I grinned at one another while Jane tried her best to keep a straight face. After we got back to the hotel, Jane came with me and Edward to get something to eat while Charlie took a nap.

Edward had picked up a book of things to do around Austin earlier in the week and found a place where you could ride a mechanical bull. Jane, apparently having the same idea as me, suggested that maybe we find a place nearby to eat dinner to get Charlie drunk and on a bull. I wasn't sure if he'd ever forgive me, but I also couldn't care at this point because I wanted to laugh my ass off.

We took a cab downtown and lazily roamed the streets for a while until Jane pretended to nonchalantly to choose a place at random. Which, in all honesty, was a random place to eat, but it just happened to be beside a not so random bar.

All throughout dinner Jane kept filling Charlie's beer. How he didn't notice that his glass was never empty was beyond me, but, by the time the check came, Charlie was well on his way to being trashed and Edward was fighting as hard as he could not to giggle like a fucking girl.

A little after nine o'clock, we walked next door to The Trophy Room. Well Jane, Edward and I walked; I'm not exactly sure what Charlie was doing could be considered walking. It would have been fucking hilarious, if I wasn't so grossed out because he kept grabbing Jane's ass.

The place was was just like the book described it, an almost exact replica of Gilly's Bar from Urban Cowboy, mechanical bull and all. After the bouncer placed wristbands on mine and Edward's wrists, we walked into the bar, pushing our way through the crowd. Charlie slurred something along the lines of needing to take a leak, and Jane yelled that she was going to go grab drinks, and for me and Edward to stay put until she got back.

I was glancing around the bar and checking out the mechanical bull, trying to figure out how we were going to talk Charlie into riding it, when I felt Edward's eyes on me. I peeked up and saw him smiling down at me before he leaned closer and put something hard and cold in my hand. I looked down to see his flask and sighed in relief. Thank fucking God.

"Where have you had this?" I whispered, taking a small sip and nearly spewing that shit right back out of my mouth. Holy fucking hell, Edward had moonshine. This night just got so much fucking better.

"I was saving it for a night when Charlie would be more trashed than you, so when you were falling down drunk it wouldn't be as noticeable." I smacked his arm and shot him a glare as he chuckled at me, but I didn't argue because we both knew it was the fucking truth. We passed the flask back and forth a couple more times, taking gulps way too big for moonshine, but knowing that we had to since our chances of drinking were limited, when Jane came up behind me and tugged on my arm.

"Have you seen your dad?" Jane asked, pulling us towards a high top table near the bar, setting two beers down.

"No, I thought..." I trailed off as Edward shook my shoulder, trying to grab my attention. I looked up at him and followed his line of sight.

"What the motherfuck?" he whispered, causing mine and Jane's head to snap up just as Charlie sauntered, yes he mother fucking sauntered, over to us wearing the biggest fucking cowboy hat I'd even seen.

"Howdy doody, little Ladies," Charlie slurred, tipping the front of his hat.

"Howdy...doody?" I deadpanned.

"What in the world are you wearing?" Jane asked, trying and failing to hold back her laughter.

"Well now, I can't very well give that there bull a proper riding without the right attire," he drawled. He motherfucking drawled. And when in the hell did Charlie get a fucking accent? He was from New York, for shit's sake!

"You're right about that," Edward agreed in a much better, much thicker southern accent that, if I was perfectly honest, turned me on a little bit. Okay. It turned me on a lot. The cocky smile he sent my way wasn't helping either.

"We'll address things one at time," Jane said, placing her hands on her hips. "One, where the fuck did you get that hat?"

Charlie grinned sloppily. "Let's just say I 'borrowed' it."

"Holy fuck, your dad jacked someone's hat," Edward howled with laughter.

"Okay." Jane shook her head. "What's with the accent?"

"Come on, Janie," Charlie said in a low voice, pulling her against him. And fuck that public display of affection shit.

I grabbed Edward's hand and pulled him towards the bar so we could order a soda to chase that fucking moonshine with. A few minutes later, Jane came over, her face a little more pale than usual, a look of shock on her face.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, okay, maybe slurred is a better word. Whoever the fuck thought it would be a good idea to down moonshine was a fucking idiot. I side eyed Edward who was grinning at me lazily.

"You dad is about to mount the bull," Jane said, pointing to the middle of the bar. I whipped my head to where she was pointing and saw Charlie stretching. This was just all kinds of wrong, wrong, wrong.

"Pockets," Edward whispered in my ear as we made our way over to the table. "Your dad's got, like, insurance and shit, right?"

"That's not funny," I hissed...then tried to remember if he did have insurance or not. I sure as shit didn't have any money right now to pay for a hospital bill when he fucking broke something.

We sat down at our table and I motioned for Edward to hand me the flask. He eyed me for a second before taking a swig and passing it over. I held it under the table and bumped it into the side of Jane's leg. She looked at it for a second, obviously considering whether or not she should act like an adult when someone on the loudspeaker announced Charlie's name, which was followed by a loud 'yeehaw'...from Charlie. Jane nodded and took a big gulp, not even batting an eye as she handed it back to me.

"Thanks, I needed that," she said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

We watched in horror as Charlie stumbled onto the inflatable platform where the bull sat...then immediately face planted. Everyone who was surrounding the bull let out an 'ooooh', until he crawled to his feet, put the hat back on his head, and held his hands in the air letting everyone know he was okay. If this was the shit happened before he even climbed onto the bull, I knew there would be no way I wouldn't pee from laughter once he was actually riding it. I looked over at Jane and had to pry away her hand that was covering her face.

"You're going to want to watch this!" I squealed. I took one more swig of the moonshine, handing it back to Edward as he wrapped an arm around the back of my chair.

Charlie grinned widely as he jumped onto the bull...like a motherfucking pro. The bull started out slow and people were hollering as Charlie grinned widely, holding on to the bull with one hand and his stolen hat with the other. So far, so good.

"Let 'er rip!" Charlie screamed towards the guy who was controlling the bull. "Yeehaw, motherfuckers!"

"Good God, we've created a monster," I mumbled as Edward giggled next to me.

The bull started moving faster and I was pretty sure Charlie was about to fall off any second...but he didn't. He whipped back and forth, somehow managing to stay on the bull and keep his hat in place. I wasn't sure what the fuck was going on. He was supposed to fall off and make a fool out of himself. He was supposed to break a wrist or, at the very least, a finger. But, no. He was riding the bull like a fucking pro.

"Holy shit," Jane whispered, her eyes glazing over. And ew. "He's like...look at him go."

I was too fucking drunk and amused to be grossed out by the way Jane stared at Charlie. The bull finally came to a stop and everyone cheered that he managed to stay on. And then we watched in confusion as Charlie maneuvered to stand on the bull and belly flopped onto the inflatable platform.

"I'll go grab him before we get kicked out," Edward mumbled with a smirk, leaving the table to go grab my drunk of a father from embarrassing himself any more.

The two of them walked back to the table and I realized that Charlie was chanting his own name. Maybe Jane would take that as a hint to take his ass back to the hotel.

"Did y'all see that?" he asked animatedly, planting a sloppy kiss on Jane's cheek.

"Oh, I don't think there's any way we could've missed it," Jane said with a grin. "You looked good out there. I think I need to get you some Wrangler's."

"I'll wrangle you," Charlie slurred.

Not going to lie, they were cute as buttons, but there's only so much I should be subjected to. Edward brushed my arm with his fingers and I snapped my head in his direction, giving him a warm smile. The four of us hung out a little longer, drunkenly figuring out which holidays they'd come visit me. And then some drunk fool bumped into Jane's shoulder, grabbing her waist to steady himself.

"Sorry about that," he said, not making any quick moves to step away.

"That's okay," she said, slightly pulling away.

"What's your name?" the guy asked, clearly not being able to take a hint.

"Hey, buddy ole pal. You see this here?" Charlie asked, holding up Jane's left hand. "That means we're married! Sissy's mine!" he yelled...and then burped. Which was completely not intimidating, but a good way to get someone to leave you alone.

Edward and I exchanged a glance as Jane merely laughed and pulled her hand away. She patted Charlie's cheek as the random guy walked away, confused as fuck, no doubt.

"Did you just call me Sissy?" Jane asked flatly.

"Did you just use a burp as a threat?" Edward asked.

"Are you blind?" Jane asked, staring fondly at Charlie. "There's nothing on my hand."

"Well, dammit, there should be!" Charlie said without missing a beat. Edward immediately stopped laughing and Jane's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Wait, what? Did you seriously just half-ass propose to her using a horrible accent and wearing a stolen cowboy hat?" I asked loudly.

Charlie cleared his throat and, despite how fucking drunk he was, stared at Jane with the most sincere expression I'd ever seen.

"You know how I feel about you, Janie. I don't see what we're waiting for," he mumbled sheepishly, pulling the hat off his head like any gentleman would do. "So? Whaddya say?"

"You know what my answer is," Jane said softly, leaning closer and wrapping her arms around Charlie's neck. "But you owe me a bad ass ring for doing this in a bar that has animal heads on the wall," she said with tears in her eyes.

And, fuck, that was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen. I wiped at my own eyes as Edward brought his hand to the back of my neck.

"I never thought I'd see the day when Charlie would find someone as weird as him to settle down with," I admitted with a solemn nod.

"Hey!" Jane screeched, pretending she was offended.

"It's time to whisk my lady out of here," Charlie said as he stood from the table, handing Edward some cash. "Y'all get back safely," he said. "Oh, and keep Bella away from any and all poles."

"That is, unless she's been brushing up on her reading," Jane said this time.

"What the fuck ever. We'll see y'all tomorrow," I said, shooing them away.

Edward and I watched with huge grins on our face as they walked out of the bar, arms wrapped around each other.

"Holy shit, your dad just drunkenly proposed," Edward mused, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me against his chest.

"I know. I can't believe it," I said, partially in shock that Jane agreed to marry him, scraggly mustache and all.

"Hey," he said so quietly that I couldn't hear him, but was able to read his lips. And then he planted a sweet, chaste kiss on my lips. I smiled before he pulled away.

"You wanna get out of here?" he asked, giving my shoulder a squeeze. I gave him a small smile in return and shook my head no. "Let me guess...you want to ride the bull?"

I slowly nodded and grinned. "You know me so well."

I'm never gonna have to worry about Charlie being alone again.

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><p><strong>AN:**

**Liv- BUD AND SISSY!**

**Meg- Was this entire chapter based off Urban Cowboy? I think it was.**

**Liv- You know, it was all about Intercourse until Charlie put on that fucking cowboy hat. Speaking of Charlie, who told his ass to propose?**

**Meg- *raises hand* Lay off me. It felt right.**

**Liv- It did feel right, it didn't hurt that we were quoting Urban Cowboy either...**

**Meg- Cute possessive Charlie is cute. Oh, yeah. not to mention DRUNK.**

**Liv- cute chapter is cute, long chapter is long, and sleepy is sleepy.**

**Meg- Thanks for reading. Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!**

**Liv- AND Happy New Year bitches! Puffies from the Winehoes!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement Intended**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty One<strong>

"So, are you ever going to tell us what happened after Charlie and Jane left you guys at the bar?" Rose asked, her eyes narrowed. I guess this was Rose's attempt at a 'bitch face', but it really failed to be intimidating with the huge fucking smile spread across her face.

"Guys, Bella has every right to not share that part of the story, _every right_," Edward stressed, his entire face bright red from the effort it was taking to hold in his laugh. Asshole.

It had been two weeks since we'd gotten back from Austin. Everyone was shocked about Charlie and Jane, but in a really good _aren't they so fucking weird and sweet _way. I had honestly been worried Charlie would forget about his drunken proposal and I'd have to kick his ass, but the next morning he and Jane came walking out of their hotel room smiling. I knew the ass kicking would be unnecessary.

It was also pretty clear that Charlie was sporting one hell of a hangover, but I couldn't muster the strength to fuck with him like I normally would've. I had my own issues that morning. Which would never be spoken of again. Ever. I didn't care how fucked up these assholes tried to get me. I was a vault baby, locked down.

Edward was my wild card. I knew how badly he wanted to spill, but the threat of withholding blowjobs had done the trick so far. I knew better than to threaten withholding sex, we both knew that was a pointless and empty fucking threat.

"But something _did _happen, didn't it?" Emmett asked, passing the joint to Alice. I rolled my eyes at him, these fuckers were relentless.

It was about ten o'clock on a Saturday night and we had just shut down the store. We were all hanging out back sitting on egg crates smoking and drinking some beers that had been turned in on the inventory checklist as 'damaged'.

"I'm still jealous you don't have to stay in a dorm," Alice cut in, smiling at me. Thank fuck.

"I know! We're all going to be stuck in a dorm our first year worrying about getting some kind of nasty ass foot fungus in the showers while you're all kicked back in your private bathroom!" Rose added, flailing her arms around so wildly that she tipped off her egg crate and landed on her ass.

"Well, not everyone," Jasper said, nodding his head and pointing the joint at Edward like it was some kind of weapon or something.

Edward shook his head and laughed, sending his smile my way. But, yeah, just because he was required to live in the dorms his first year didn't mean he was planning on staying there, like, ever. I had a feeling he'd be at my place way more than he ever would his dorm. Which was perfectly fucking fine with me. I'd like to see someone try to cockblock us then. Or...not.

_God, please forget I just thought that because I have no doubt that you have infinite ways to block cock and I'd really rather not push you. Amen._

"Praying again, Pockets?" Edward whispered, leaning close to my ear. I smiled and nodded while he shook his head at me.

"I can't even begin to imagine the sort of things you pray about, but I can guarantee they are things that should never be said in church." He laughed, leaning back against the side of the building and tipping his crate a little so it was balancing on one side.

"Pfft, I can ask God anything, even to not be cockblocked," I threw in because I knew someone was about to spray some beer. It was like playing eenie meenie miney mo with these fuckers.

"Fuck," Emmett laughed, giving the side of Jasper's jeans a nice little soaking. I win again.

"Alright, fuckers. Grandpa has a list a mile long of shit I have to do in the morning, so if you don't mind, we're gonna get the fuck outta here." Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me up, the glint in his eye let me know we weren't going straight home. I think we had plans for some dirt roads first.

"You can't keep dodging us, Bella. You're gonna spill sooner or later!" Emmett yelled. And yeah, there was no fucking way that shit was ever gonna happen, I thought, as I flipped his ass off.

The next morning I tried to maneuver my way around the sea of boxes that covered almost every inch of the floor. Jane sure had a fuck ton of shit to move. I really wasn't sure where she planned on putting everything.

"Hey, Bella, that you?" Jane called from the kitchen.

"No, it's Old Lady Dead Bits. She wants her floor space back," I joked...and stumbled because there really was shit every fucking where.

"One of these days I'll be brave enough to finally ask you what in the hell you are talking about when you say that. But not today."

"Not today." I echoed with a bob of my head. "So, are you really keeping all this?" I asked, sweeping my arms widely.

"No, I'm going to leave a lot of this stuff in boxes and send it to Goodwill, so if you have anything you want to clear out then you can add it and we can send it all at the same time. You know, since you're leaving in a few months anyway," she said, poking her lip out at me.

"Eh, I got nothing else to do, so yeah. I can box up some stuff."

I never realized how much shit I had managed to collect over the years until I started boxing everything up. I found a very familiar pair of heels and couldn't help but smile fondly at the broken heel as I chunked them into the box. If I hadn't tried to play Trixie the Stripper I would have never ended up in Intercourse.

An hour later I was up to my elbows in shit, figuratively, not literally, with me that statement actually needed to be clarified.

"Damn Bella, are you getting rid of all this stuff?" Jane asked coming to sit next to me on the floor.

"Yeah, it's not like I'm going to need shit like this," I said holding up the pole dancing book that no one had yet to own up to buying.

"Hey, I went through a lot of trouble finding that shit," Jane yelled in mock outrage. And hold the fucking phone, she did _what_?

"You're the one that bought this fucker?" I asked waving the book at her.

"Well yeah, at the time I had no idea what your plans were for next year. I figured since you were planning to go back to New York learning how to pole dance would be a good back up plan for you if school didn't work out," she said all nonchalant and shit like she didn't just basically call me a college drop out. So I threw the book at her, literally.

"That's not very nice," I pointed out.

"Well neither were you when you lived in New York, that's what brought you here, remember?"

"Well that, and those," I said nodding my head toward the shoes I'd just thrown in the box. She laughed and stood up brushing off the back of her shirt.

"Just so you know, I'm really glad you sucked at pole dancing."

"Awe, you say the sweetest things," I laughed.

The atmosphere around school was insane the month leading up to prom. It was like people could physically feel the end of the school coming, like it was in their blood. Well, that and all of the booze they downed in the parking lot before school almost every morning.

Edward and I had just joined the rest of the guys at our lunch table when Alice spun around in her chair and leaned in close to me.

"Bella, I can't believe you still haven't bought a dress for prom yet." She stared at me wide eyed, as I shrugged my shoulders and looked away. I felt Edward sweep his fingers through the end of my hair that was hanging off the back of the chair before I looked over at him and winked.

"I have a dress."

"What? When? From where? Why didn't you tell us?" she asked rapidly. And where the fuck was Alice because some Chihuahua on crack had taken over her body.

"Sorry," Rose laughed, "I might have given her some Yellow Jackets this morning because she kept falling asleep in class." Okay, well that made sense.

"I went with Jane this past weekend. It's being altered and then she'll pick it up on her way home from work Friday."

"You should have told us, we would have gone with you," Rose pouted.

"I know you would have, that's why I didn't say anything." I laughed. "Jane and I decided to hang out, and clear out the rest of her shit from her house and it just kinda worked out."

"So you're all set then?" Alice asked all bouncy and weird and shit. I looked over at Rose and pointed at Alice.

"Never give her that shit again, hyper Alice is annoying as fuck." Rose scrunched up her face and nodded in agreement as Alice launched a balled up napkin at my face. Which Edward swatted away because he was fuckawesome like that.

The day of prom I was sitting outside on the porch swing when I saw Edward pull into the driveway, a wide smile set on his face.

"I don't think we're supposed to see each other before prom, are we? Bad luck or something?" I joked. Edward grabbed a large shoebox from the bed of the truck then lazily made his way up the porch.

"You're thinking about the wrong occasion," he teased, giving me that fucking smile.

"Oh, yeah. Silly me." I sighed and scooted over on the porch swing, making room for him.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, setting the box on the floor before sitting next to me. I held up a bottle of nail polish. "That's very girly of you."

"I know, right? I figured I'd go all out. I might even pluck my eyebrows. You only go to prom once, you know?" I said sarcastically, shaking my head and screwing the top back on the nail polish.

"This is my second prom," he pointed out with a smug grin.

"Stop bragging." I rolled my eyes as he kissed me. "What do you have there?" I asked, nodding towards the shoe box.

"Ah, this is for you," he said, leaning over to grab the box, setting it in his lap. "I think I was supposed to wrap it or some shit, but I forgot and I figured you didn't care anyway."

I laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck while I lifted the lid. "You bought me a present? You bought me...cowboy boots?"

"Well, _I _didn't. I told my parents you're going to school in Texas. I think these are supposed to be a graduation present or something."

"Dude. That's really fucking nice," I mused as I grabbed the boots and stood up from the porch swing.

"Aren't you going to mess up your nails up?" Edward laughed as I merely shrugged.

"As long as you'll still love me and my shitty nails, I don't care," I replied, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "Now..." I reached down to slip one foot in the boot. "This is harder than I thought."

Edward raised his eyebrows in amusement. "They're easier to slip on if you're wearing socks," he pointed out before laughing at my struggle.

"Fuck. I'm too lazy to run upstairs," I admitted as I pushed a little harder, finally managing to get my entire foot in the boot. The second one took a little longer to get on and Edward's laugh never faltered.

"Damn," he hissed as I twirled around, showing off my new boots. "Why did you not own a pair of those before today?"

"Why? Are you getting a boner?" I asked with a grin, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jean shorts.

"Boner?" he scoffed. "Seriously, Bella?"

"Hey. Don't look at me like that. You're the one with a boner," I teased.

"Get the fuck over here. Now, Pockets," he demanded lowly, licking his lips. I stepped closer and stood between his thighs as his warm hands ran over my ass then up and down my bare thighs. I leaned down, moaning as he kissed me slowly.

"You know, we never did get to fuck on the porch," I said breathlessly as he squeezed my ass. He laughed against my lips, shaking his head.

"We can't have sex before prom," he said, adjusting himself as I pouted. "Bad luck or something?"

"What the fuck ever. There's no way in hell that could be considered bad _anything,_" I said lamely. "Ever."

He grinned up at me, hands traveling up to rest on my hips. "I told Em I'd help him do a few things before we pick y'all up later."

"Help him do what? His fucking hair?" I scoffed. "I think there's a rule that you're not allowed over here without taking your clothes off. So. Get to it."

He slightly shook my hips. "I think there's a rule that you're now allowed to whine unless you're topless."

"I'm only whining because I want your dick..." I said with a slow, devious smile.

"Oh, because you're _so _sexually frustrated," he whispered, pulling me down into his lap. "Weren't you just moaning my name last night?" he asked, lips against my neck. His hand moved up my thigh and parted my legs, fingers lightly brushing against my crotch. And then he quickly pulled away as we heard a car pulling into the driveway.

"Fucking hell," I mumbled, taking a deep breath. I looked over and saw Charlie eyeing us as he stepped out of the car. Edward laughed lowly, patting my thigh.

"I gotta go anyway. But I'll see you later, baby." He kissed the side of my head before I stood up. "Damn," he hissed again as he took one more look at me. "You look so fucking good. Would it be weird if I asked you to wear those forever?"

I laughed. "Oh, yeah. Just imagine me wearing these to prom. That'd be a riot."

I watched as Edward and Charlie passed one another with the typical manly nod. Even though it had been a few weeks, I was pretty sure Charlie was still slightly embarrassed about the way he acted on our last night in Texas. Didn't help that I brought it up every chance I got. Edward waved before he backed out of the driveway and Charlie took one look at my boots before walking inside.

It was a little after five o'clock when I finally decided I should shower. I was supposed to head over to Rose's around six to get ready, so I figured I'd wash my hair then drive over to her place. I'd kept the boots on for a few hours to wear them in as I did shit around the house. But when I finally went to pull them off before my shower, the fuckers were apparently glued to my feet.

"What the fucking fuck!" I screamed, trying my hardest to pull one of the boots off. "Shit! Cock!"

"What's with the sudden case of Tourette's?" Jane barged in the room before laughing hysterically. I was lying on the floor, one foot in the air as I pulled at the heel of the boot. "What in the fuck are you doing, child?"

"Edward joked that he wanted me to wear these forever, and now his stupid wish is probably going to come true," I spat, red-faced and sweaty and trying to catch my breath. "I should have knocked on wood earlier! I should have knocked on Edward's wood!"

Jane blinked, but otherwise didn't look the least bit surprised at anything I had just blurted out. "Okay. First of all, leave Edward's wood out of this. Second, let me help you. It'll be fine."

Jane came over and squatted down in front of me for a second before grabbing the heel and toe of the boot and giving it a yank. Which did nothing but snatch my ass out from under me and cause me to fall backwards, my head banging on the floor.

"Ow."

"Shit! Sorry, uh, why don't you go over to the bed and grab the frame, that should hold you in place so I can pull harder," she instructed as I crawled over to the bed and grabbed one of the legs. Jane stood, planting her feet before leaning away from me and tugging as hard as she could. And fuck if the bed didn't fucking slide across the floor sending Jane on _her_ ass this time.

"Goddamn it!" she yelled, rubbing her ass with one hand, the other still grasping my boot. Which is how Charlie found us seconds later, me stretched out across the floor hanging onto the leg of the bed while Jane sat on her ass, my boot still in her hand.

"Uh," Charlie mumbled and slowly started backing out of the room.

"You stop right there!" Jane yelled, stopping Charlie from fleeing the scene. Sucker. "Your daughter is stuck in these boots and we have to help her get out of them before prom."

"She'll be fine," Charlie said, scrunching his nose. "Isn't that what all the girls wear nowadays?"

"Oh, right. Cause you're a regular ole fashionista!" I screeched. "I'm pretty sure you'd still wear a fanny pack if I didn't hide it from you."

Jane let go of my leg, letting it drop with a thud. "See, information like that is useful before you agree to marry someone," she said, lowering her voice but speaking loud enough so Charlie could still hear.

"Hey, there's still time. You haven't said 'I do' yet," I pointed out, causing Charlie to huff in response.

"Oh, stop putting ideas in her head," he scolded, finally entering the room and standing next to where Jane sat on the floor. I lifted my leg and placed my heel in his hand. He yanked and yanked and the fucking thing hardly budged.

"Edward said I was supposed to put socks on, but I put the boots on anyway," I mumbled, covering my face with the hand that wasn't holding onto the bed. "And then I was so distracted by the way he was grabbing my-" Charlie grumbled and I paused, "grabbing my hand like the gentleman he is, that I completely forgot I didn't have socks on."

"This is pretty fucking hilarious, though," Jane mused. "And I thought I was going to be bored tonight with you off at prom. Now I have all night to replay this. Thank you."

"Fucking shit! Pull harder, please," I begged. I refused to wear boots with my prom dress. I refused to dress like Taylor Swift.

"I think I almost," Charlie grunted, "I think I almost got it." And then his hands slipped from the heel of the boot, causing him to stumble and fall backward onto the floor with a loud thud.

Jane and I were suddenly silent. I slowly sat up, blinking, as Jane crawled to her feet and reached down to help me up. Charlie was still on the floor, completely still. He didn't move and he didn't say a single word. I took that as a sign to get the fuck out as soon as possible.

"So," I cleared my throat, "I guess I'm wearing boots to prom."

"Come on. I'll help you wash your hair," Jane said as we stepped over Charlie to exit my room.

The both of us walked into the bathroom and I stared blankly as I realized I wasn't going to be able to shower. Motherfucker. "So, I guess showering is out of the question," I mumbled, shaking my head.

"Don't act like you've never gone without a shower," Jane snickered as she turned on the faucet. "Come on. Stick your head under and I'll help you. At east your hair will smell good. I can't say the same for the rest of you."

I flipped her off then yelped as she stuck my head under the freezing cold water. "You did that on purpose," I whined.

"You bet your ass I did."

After the excruciating task of trying to wash my hair without actually showering, I thanked Jane and hauled my ass back to my room. Charlie was no longer lying on the floor, thank God. I dressed in some bum ass clothes and gathered everything I'd need to get ready at Rose's.

As I ran down the stairs, I yelled a quick goodbye to Charlie and Jane to let them know I was leaving and wouldn't be back home until tomorrow. Charlie grumbled and waved, while Jane chunked the deuce. I rolled my eyes and walked out of the house with wet hair, carrying my dress on a hanger and covered in plastic.

I tried saving time by driving with the windows rolled down to dry my hair. I realized a few minutes later that it also served a duel purpose since I didn't shower. Not that I smelled like shit, but you couldn't be too careful.

I walked into Rose's house, not bothering to knock on the door before entering. I headed straight for her room and walked in to catch Alice on her knees and Rose holding a beer bong for her.

"Well that's just fucking rude," I scoffed. "Y'all started without me."

"Get over it," Rose said as Alice stood up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"What's with the boots?" Alice asked immediately.

I tossed my dress on the bed and tried playing this off. No one needed to know I couldn't get the damn things off. "Graduation gift from Edward's parents."

"Nice. I bet he blew a load in his pants when he saw you wearing them. You look hot," Rose drawled, nodding towards the bottle of vodka on her vanity.

I laughed and shook my head, grabbing the bottle and taking a nice swig. The three of us spent the next two and a half hours doing each others hair and makeup. Okay, who the fuck was I kidding? We weren't that cliche. We did get drunk and attempt to make ourselves look somewhat decent.

A little later, I stood in Rose's close in front of the full-length mirror and slipped on my short, flowy deep blue dress. It was the perfect amount of dressy without being over the top, which worked out well since my shoes were less than classy, but fuck if they weren't going to save my ass later. I hoped the bitches were drunk enough to ignore the fact that I kept my boots on. Which, of course, they commented on almost immediately.

"Oh my God. Don't tell me you're going all 'country slut' to the prom?" Rose scoffed as Alice erupted with laughter.

"Listen," I hissed, "I put the boots on without socks earlier and now the things are glued to my sweaty ass feet, okay?"

And then they died from laughter. Choking, ugly laughs that caused them both to fall to the floor despite the fact they were both wearing their dresses.

"God damn," Alice managed to speak. "Only you, Bella."

I crossed my arms and kicked both of them in the ass with my boot. "Maybe y'all wanna help me try to take them off?"

"Screw that. This is so much better," Rose pointed out. "We're going to wind up taking off our heels, anyway. At least when you trip and fall you can't blame it on the heels. That'll be all you."

"Or the vodka's fault," Alice piped in. And maybe they both had a point. This was for the best.

The three of us tried our hardest to keep straight faces as we walked into the living room. The guys were sitting on the couch, looking like perfect gentlemen waiting for their dates as Rose's parents stood off to the side waiting with a camera in hand.

"Fuck, you're smokin'," Emmett yelled, eyes focused on Rose. So much for perfect gentlemen.

My eyes landed on Edward whose gaze was burning into me. Pretty sure he hissed out a 'fuck' as he noticed I was still wearing the boots. I slowly walked towards him and he stood from the couch, leaning over to plant a kiss on my cheek.

"God damn, you're fine as fuck," I whispered as he gave me a smug smile. I gave him a once over, taking in the sight of Edward in a black suit jacket, crisp white shirt and deep blue tie that perfectly matched my dress.

"You don't look too bad yourself, Pockets," he whispered back, pulling me against his side so we could pose for a few mandatory pictures. And by a few I mean a few hundred because Rose's mom went crazy eyes on us, having us pose every which way.

After the mandatory photos were out of the way, Edward and I hopped in his truck while the rest of the gang drove together in Emmett's car. Once we pulled into the parking lot of the gym, we hung out for a few minutes as the guys passed around a flask. I was entertaining the idea of suggesting we just skip prom all together until Edward pulled on my hand and nodded towards the gym.

"But we have beer out here," I whined, pointing at the ice chest in the bed of his truck. "And weed. And better music. Screw prom!" I screeched, receiving a 'fuck yeah' from Emmett.

"Just one dance," Edward whispered against my ear. "That's all I want. We'll get our photo taken, dance to one crappy song, then come back out here."

And that's exactly what we did. The six of us walked into the gym, rolling our eyes at the shitty decorations that served to make the place look festive. It was laughable at best. Edward squeezed my hand as we stood in line waiting to get our photo taken. After that, we waited near the bleachers, discreetly sipping from the flask as we waited for a non-crappy song to be played. And then we realized we'd be waiting for a long ass time.

"Come on. Let's just get this over with," I sighed, pointing towards the area of the gym where people were dancing. "You know we're not going to hear anything that's actually good."

Edward smirked and stepped towards me, grabbing me by the waist. "And you want our only dance at prom to be to 'Genie in a Bottle'?"

"Yep. That's what I want more than anything," I teased, grabbing the lapel of his jacket and kissing him hard. "Well, maybe not more than anything," I breathed.

"C'mon," he laughed, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the dance floor where we slowed dance to Christina Aguilera like the bad asses we were.

Once the song ended, we walked outside and grabbed the cooler then met the rest of the gang around the back of the gym. Apparently Emmett got kicked out for mooning the camera in his prom photo with Rose. None of us were surprised at fucking all.

"So, Bella," Emmett slurred, leaning against the side of the gym. "Will you please tell us what happened with the bull?" I stared at him for a second. Emmett was seriously fucked up. I mean, we all were, but Emmett was Courtney Love fucked up...without the vagina, I hoped. I looked down at his crotch, causing Edward to elbow me in my side. I peered over at him as he stared at me with narrowed eyes before I motioned for him to lean in closer.

"I was looking for a vag," I whispered, or thought I did, but since everyone around me busted out laughing I must not have been nearly as quiet as I'd thought.

"Bella, what the fuck is going on in that head of yours?" Jasper asked, laughing and holding his sides. I shook my head, there was no way they would understand. I wasn't entirely sure I knew what the fuck was going on at this point. I cut my eyes back over to Emmett and grinned. I wondered exactly what I could get him to do if I promised to tell him what happened. I heard Alice whisper a quiet 'shit' before I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against Edward.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you what happened in Austin if you streak across the football field."

"Hell yes, I'll streak!" he yelled, causing all of us to jump. Fuck, he had a really big mouth. I swayed a bit, stumbled a little more, then finally just grabbed Edward's suit jacket to keep from full on face planting. These fucking cowboy boots were the best fucking thing that could have happened to me tonight.

"You really wanna do this Pockets?" Edward asked grinning down at me. I looked at our friends standing around us, and I use the term 'standing' loosely since they were either leaning on the wall or each other to stay upright.

"The odds of them not remembering any of this conversation are in my favor, and I'll tell you why," I slurred, popping up on my toes so I could sniff his neck; fuck, he smelled good.

"Did you just lick me?" Edward laughed, grabbing my shoulders so he could push me away and look at my face. I shrugged. It wasn't my intention, but I couldn't be held responsible for the actions of my tongue when he looked all fucking sexy and shit.

"As I was saying," I continued, because thinking about licking wasn't really helping me get to my point. "One, because of how fucked up we are, and two, because Emmett is about to get naked and I'm pretty sure that image alone will create insistent ambrosia," I said, snapping my fingers for emphasis. Well, kinda, it was more like a whiff, but he got the point.

"Instant amnesia?" Edward asked, looking confused.

"Yes, _that_. Show off." I might have stuck my tongue out at him too, but I really couldn't think about that, because it reminded me of licking again. I grabbed Edward's flask and took a swig from it before giving it the stink eye. That fucker was the reason I was about to recall making a complete ass out of myself.

"Let me just start by saying I blame Edward for everything. If he wouldn't have brought this," I said, holding up the offending flask, "full of moonshine no less, I would have been fine."

"Hey-" Edward protested before I pressed my finger to his lips.

"Shush you, no talkie. Just stand there and look sexy." I waved my hand, shooing him off. It was go time.

"_You sure about this, baby?" Edward asked, his hand under the back of my shirt, his thumb sweeping against my hip._

"_Yup." I nodded. I was so fucking excited that everything had went as fucking perfect as it had today. I got a new apartment, my dad got engaged to a fuckawesome chick, and I had the sexiest motherfucker here with his hand up the back of my shirt. Oh, and I couldn't forget the moonshine. The fucking moonshine was da shiz, yo._

"_Well, let's get you signed up then." I reached out and grabbed his arm before he walked over to the sign up table, pulling him back towards me. _

"_Change your mind already, Pockets?"_

"_Psh, no. I'm just wondering, you know, if I should get into character, like, set the scene." I emphasised, using my hands to frame the mechanical bull. I cocked my head to the side to get a look at Edward who was shaking with laughter. I moved my hands in front of him, still framing the bull so he could get my visual._

"_And exactly what do you need to 'set the scene'?"_

"_Okay, first, never finger quote me again. I may have to reconsider this entire relationship. Second, I mean, Charlie got his ass kicked by a turkey, so how in the hell did he manage to ride that bull and not lose an arm? It had to be the hat. I'm going to need a hat, Edward. You're gonna have to make it happen."_

_He stared at me blankly for a few seconds before laughing loudly. He shook his head, sputtering and gasping until he realized that I wasn't laughing with him. His eyes widened as his laughter died down before he gulped._

"_You really want me to steal one of these people's hats and then let you wear it as you ride the bull where everyone can see you, including the person whose hat you'd be wearing?"_

"_Yup." I nodded, and I'm pretty sure the moonshine also agreed that it was a fucking excellent idea. "But make sure it's cute, not like that big fucker Charlie had. There's no way I could see with that thing on."_

_Edward ran his hand roughly over his face before muttering something about ending badly. I was too busy looking for my accessory to pay attention._

"_Look, over there," I whispered yelled. I pointed to a young girl around my age that was passed out face down on a table in the corner, a cowboy hat laying on the table beside her._ _"That one's perfect."_

_Edward looked relieved that the girl was not only passed the fuck out, but was also in the back of the bar so even if she did wake up it was unlikely she would see me._

"_Okay, you go get signed up and I'll get your accessory," he said, rolling his eyes at me, but still smacked my ass as I turned to leave. A few minutes later he came strolling up to me, cool as fucking ever, cowboy hat in hand. I clapped my hands because moonshine, mechanical bulls, and stolen cowboy hats obviously made me giddy._

"_How long till you get to go?"_

"_I'm next. Gimmie my hat," I said, grabbing for it. He held it up above his head out of my reach, a look of disapproval on his face._

"_Is that how you ask for something?" he chided. I pursed my lips at him before slowly trailing my hand down his chest to his junk, cupping him and giving him a firm squeeze._

"_Please," I whispered._

"_Fuck, baby," he choked, putting the hat on my head. "You need to get up there and ride that bull so we can get the fuck out of here and you can ride something else," he said, leering at me._

"_That was awful, but yeah, this is just the warm up," I winked. I leaned in to give him a kiss when the bull operator called my name over the intercom. _

"_Good luck."_

"_I got this yo," I joked, silently wondering if this was such a good fucking idea after all. I walked over to the table and leaned across it so that the guy running the bull could hear me._

"_So, there are two things that I need to happen: I need to not fall off and I need to look cute. Both of those will happen if you take it easy on that little lever you got right there," I said, nodding towards the joystick in the center of the table. The guy chuckled at me, causing me to narrow my eyes._

"_Don't mess with me, I know ninja," I added, like an idiot, then turned to walk through the gate. As soon as I stepped onto the soft padding, I stumbled. Fuck, no wonder Charlie had such a hard time on here, this shit did not support drunk people. I finally made it to the bull and pulled myself up. It was wide and awkward and I was glad I had a handle to hang onto because I was about to fall off and I hadn't even started moving yet._

_I tipped my hat to the bull operator like a good cow girl and jerked my head towards Edward when he let out a loud whistle. I smiled, waved, and wobbled because, fuck, I needed to hold on to this mother fucker the entire time or I was going to face plant with the quickness._

_The bull started moving in slow circles, making little rocking motions each time. This wasn't so bad. It was almost like sex, and I had no problem with that. I looked over to the bull operator and gave him a little head nod to crank it up a little. I felt a little jerk as it sped up, which caused me to slide to one side before I grabbed onto the rope with both hands to steady myself._

_I looked over to Edward and gave him a shaky smile, until I realized that asshole was laughing at me. Of course when he saw the annoyed look on my face it only made him laugh harder. I was just about to flip him off when all hell broke loose._

"_That's the bitch you took off with tonight," a deep, but obviously female voice screamed. All eyes, including my own were drawn towards the back of the bar where a familiar, very drunk girl was being hauled up from her chair by a very burly female. Melba, as I called her in my head, had her meaty finger pointed in my direction. _

_I looked behind me, confused at what she was pointing at when I realized that there was nothing but wall behind me. The bull continued to rock and spin making it so that Melba and the poor little drunk girl were out of my line of sight. I could tell the screams and protests were starting to get closer and, fuck, I had Drunk Girl's hat, and her manly friend was going to kick my ass._

"_How could you do it, Sarah? And with that," Melba thundered, her bicep swinging back and forth like a piece of meat in a meat locker as she flailed her arm around. And, I'm pretty sure I didn't like the way she called me 'that'._

"_I didn't do anything, baby, I swear," Drunk Girl, er, Sarah cried as Melba turned to me. Fuck, she was scary looking and old._

"_You messin' with my girl, you skinny little bitch," she yelled at me. My legs locked around the bull my grip tightening on the strap. The bull was mid turn and I couldn't see Edward anywhere._

"_I haven't touched your daughter!" I yelled back and, yeah, I knew that she wasn't her fucking daughter, but she called me 'that', skinny, and a bitch all within a few seconds. Melba's mouth dropped open and Drunk Girl gasped beside her. _

"_I'm not her mother, I'm her partner," she yelled, her face bright red. I looked to drunk girl, moonshine egging on my ability to act like a complete fucking idiot and frowned at her._

"_I'm so sorry," I said to Sarah, completely fucking myself the moment the words left my lips._

"_Bella!" Edward screamed, but it was too late. Melba was out for blood, and probably a sandwich. She looked like a bull breathing fire as she craned her hoof onto the side of the fencing to come at me. So I did what anyone would do in my situation. I gripped my legs tight, wound the leather rope around my hand and screamed for the bull operator to turn us loose, before hollering giddy up and bouncing on the bull. _

_As I came back around I noticed that three bouncers had Melba and were pulling her over the rail as I giddy upped the bull with all I had. She punched one in the junk before the other one put her in a choke hold. She wrestled with him, pulling and twisting until she was face down on the table with the bull operator. _

_She looked up at me then, an evil smile on her face, before her arm shot out and she cranked up the power all the way to full speed on the bull. And then I was flying, in the opposite fucking direction. Thank fucking God._

"_Bella, get the fuck up. Come on, we have to get out of here." I wasn't sure what was going on, but Edward was pulling me under the rails like the building was on fire. Then I turned my head and saw Melba had busted free and was coming straight for me. I jumped up grabbed the fucking hat of doom and hauled ass to the door. _

_For a big girl she could fucking move, that or she was much more efficient at knocking people the fuck out the way. Just as I reached the door, I felt a tug at the hem of my shirt. So, I did the first thing that came to mind: I twisted around to face her, bending at the waist and throwing my arms out so when she pulled again she pulled the shirt right off my body and sent the hat flying through the air._

_All movement stopped, the bar silent for a split second before I felt Edward's body pressed against the back of mine and his hands wrapping around me, cupping my...bare mother fucking boobs. Fuck my life. I wasn't wearing a bra. And I'd just flashed at entire bar full of fucking people in Austin. And now Edward was copping a feel and acting as a human bra all at once._

_He started pulling me backwards, still cupping my boobs while Melba stood in front of me, her mouth hanging open, my shirt dangling from her fingers. And, fuck that, I wanted my goddamn shirt back; it was one of my favorites. I used her moment of shock at the awesomeness that is my rack and pulled myself free from Edward, causing people all around us to gasp again. I darted forward yanking my shirt from her hand then turned and hauled ass the fuck outta there. This bar will definitely go on the, 'do not repeat' list next year. Fuck._

By the time I finished my story I don't think one person was breathing. They were doing that whole silent laugh thing where their mouths hung open and faces were bright red, but no sound was coming out because they couldn't manage to breath.

I pinched Edward's side, causing him to yelp and take a much needed breath before I walked over to Emmett who was laying in the grass, in a damn suit no less, rolling around like a dog that had found something dead.

"Hey, fucker, it's nekkid time," I said, giving Emmett a nudge with the toe of my boot. He rolled over on his back, sprawled out in the grass like he was making grass angels or some shit.

"I guess it is. How much worse could it be than you running bare breasted down the street in Austin?"

"You see where my foot is right now?" I asked, hovering my boot over his junk. "Keep talking and I'll show you."

"Fine. Anything you can do I can do better," he sang in a girly voice as he flung his jacket at Rose. She shook her head and slipped it over her arms as piece after piece of Emmett's suit went flying through the air. Then it happened. My parking lot assailant was back. I'd know those beady, soulless eyes anywhere.

"Edward," I hissed, never taking my eyes off my prey. "Look, it's that same blood thirsty fucker from the store." Edward looked over towards the side of the bleachers and squinted his eyes.

"Bella, what are you looking at?" he asked.

"The raccoon! He's back, and he won't stop until he spills my blood!" I was really getting worked up over this shit. He wasn't going to make me the victim again, fuck no. I had my shit kickin' boots on, it was time for that fucker to meet his maker.

I was so distracted stalking my prey I didn't realize Emmett was standing beside me, naked.

"What the fuck are you doing, Bella?" he slurred and swayed, his naked arm brushing against mine.

"Ew. No touching," I yelled, shoving him off me. "That," I said pointing to the raccoon, "is about to die." Emmett eyes widened comically as they darted between me and the raccoon before he took off in a dead sprint towards the raccoon.

"I won't let you touch him, you'll never hurt him," he bellowed, ass cheeks bouncing in the wind, amongst other things. And that fucker managed to grab the raccoon, who was probably frozen in shock at the sight of Emmett's junk bouncing around. He scooped him under his arm like a damn football and took off running the fifty yard dash across the football field and disappearing under the goal post. Well, fuck me.

I looked around at everyone who was just standing there with their mouths hanging open, speechless. And really, what the fuck could you possibly add to that scene? Not a mother fucking thing. I peeked over at Edward and grinned. I might as well take advantage of our friends coma-like state and drag Edward somewhere private.

"I think it's time that we had that cliche prom sex now."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, licking his lips.

"Oh yeah."

He cocked an eyebrow like the hot fucker he knew he was. "Where do you propose we go?"

I glanced around the area and sighed. His truck could definitely do, the cab or the bed. I had almost settled on that location until my eyes spotted a shed twenty yards away.

"There." I pointed.

He rolled his eyes, but leaned over and let me hop on his back. He stood and tightened his grip on my thighs, walking towards the shed. "Only you would want to fuck in the groundskeepers shed."

"Only you would let me," I drawled, kissing his neck as he carried me on his back to the shed. He flipped the latch and we walked into the dark space. He hummed out loud, glancing around the area to see what we had to work with.

"Is that a riding mower?" I asked, pointing towards the back of the shed as I squinted my eyes.

"Yep."

"That's where we're going to fuck," I stated.

"Yep."

"I bet this is considered a shit ton of women's fantasies," I said giddily as Edward released my thighs, setting me on the ground. He looked on in confusion. "You know, all those bitches want to recreate scenes from eighties movies. I'm totally about to ride with you on a mower."

"What does that have to do with eighties movies?" he asked, and for a split second I thought seriously about not fucking him anymore. And then I mentally slapped the fuck out of myself.

"You've never seen Can't Buy Me Love?" I asked in awe as we made our way towards the back of the shed.

He thought for a second. "They don't fuck on a mower."

"The point is that there was riding being done." I sighed in exasperation. "Besides, that's how most females wanted the movie to end anyway. Who wouldn't want to fuck Patrick Dempsey on a mower?"

"Okay. If you say so," he said, scrunching his nose. He stood there all fuckhot, probably thinking seriously about not fucking me after the Patrick Dempsey comment. So, I dropped to my knees and unzipped his pants.

He looked down at me with a wide grin as I pulled out his dick and slowly teased the tip with my tongue. He moaned, grabbing my head as I wrapped my mouth around his dick.

"Shit," he hissed before I pulled away. I unbuttoned his belt and then his pants, watching with glee as they fell to the ground.

"Sit," I instructed, pointing towards the mower. He kicked off his slacks and unbuttoned his shirt before climbing onto the seat of the mower.

"C'mere," he breathed, staring at me through hooded eyes. I stood next to him and raised my arms in the air as he lifted my dress over my head. It was a feeble attempt, but I made a move to pull the boots off.

"Stop," he ordered, grabbing my wrist. "The boots stay on." And whatever he wanted as long as he never stopped looking at me like that. I'd wear these boots for fucking ever.

I frantically grabbed a condom from his pocket and tossed it towards him. I placed my foot on the step and hitched my leg over his waist, letting my ass rest on the steering wheel as he slipped on the condom. I felt sorry for whoever had to use this thing next.

He gripped the base of his dick and I brought my lips to his. He ran the head against me for a full minute, taunting and teasing. I hissed, scraping my nails against the back of his neck before he finally allowed me to slide down.

"God damn," he panted as I lost my breath.

I gripped his shoulders for leverage as I slid up and down, ignoring the steering wheel that was pressed against my back.

"Fuck me," I breathed out. I felt his arm move behind me, creating a barrier between my back and the steering wheel.

He slightly lifted his ass, pushing his hips against mine as I rode the fuck out of him. It was all so good as his rough hand grabbed my breast. I lifted one leg, placing my foot next to his thigh on the seat, causing him to push deeper. He practically growled, thrusting harder. I grabbed his free hand and moved it between us, a determined smile spreading across his face as he rubbed my clit.

I closed my eyes, fisting my hands tightly as my body shook with pleasure. His stubble rubbed against my chest as he breathed erratically, pounding into me and cursing as he came. We slumped against one another, our arms tangled as we wrapped ourselves in each other.

"I guess not all cliche's are bad," I joked sitting up.

"Definitely not," he agreed with a nod.

After the insanity that was prom, the rest of May passed quietly. Well, as quietly as it can when half the students were drunk. When we weren't at school, the six of us were hanging out every chance we got. We planned to make the most of the time we had together this summer since we'd be going our separate ways in the fall.

And when we each took our turn walking across the stage, we yelled and jeered and laughed and acted like the immature teenagers we were. When I though about the life that I had this time last year, I couldn't do anything but shake my head. In my wildest dreams I never expected to have people like these guys, people like Edward, in my life.

"So, do you guys want to get together and hang out later?" Rose asked, coming up and throwing her arm over my shoulder, tiny streaks of mascara under her eyes.

"I think me and Pockets are going to hang out for a little bit," Edward said, sliding up beside me, "but we'll catch up with you guys later tonight at the party."

"Sounds good." Rose smiled before running over to Emmett and jumping on his back.

"So, what are we doing?" I asked, looking to see if Charlie and Jane had finally left after blubbering like fools. I knew I should have made sure they smoked before they got here so Charlie would have been more mellow.

"Come take a ride with me?"

"Always." I grinned.

We rode in silence until Edward peeked over at me and grinned, thumbing through his iPod. He set it on the seat and turned the sound as loud as his truck would go, before letting his windows down. The wind whipped my hair around my face, my arm propped up on the open window as _Brown Eyed Girl_ started blasting through the speakers. I laughed as he tugged me closer until I was sitting next to him in the cab of the truck.

"You swooning yet?" he asked, causing me to laugh harder.

"Oh yeah, I'm swooning all over this shit." He drove to the clinic, pulling around the side and backing up his truck until it was at the edge of the pond that he'd thrown me in last fall when I was covered in horse shit. Good times.

We sat on the tailgate of his truck, my head resting against the side of his neck, his arm around my shoulder.

"We're finally done, it's kinda weird right?" he asked, leaning the side of his face against the top of my head. I shrugged, I would miss everyone, but I knew as long as I had Edward with me I'd be fine.

"It's not really the end, just a new chapter. I mean, there's still plenty of trouble for us to get into in Austin, right?" I asked grinning.

"Oh, no fucking doubt, baby. No fucking doubt," he said, crushing me into his side.

"So what are we going to do this summer?"

He looked at me and grinned, hopping off the tailgate and coming to stand between my legs. He pulled off his hat and put it on my head, the bill falling over my eyes. He chuckled, adjusting it so that I could see and reached down, taking both my hands in his. He leaned over and gave me a soft, slow kiss that stole the breath from my body. We were totally going to have sex.

"We're gonna listen to some music, drink some beer, and waste some gas," he said before leaning in and kissing me like we had all the time in the world. And yeah, we really did.

_I'm never gonna let this crazy, perfect boy go._

Fin.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

**Liv- *throws rope in the air, misses rafter* Fuck. Okay. *throws rope again***

**Meg- You done yet?**

**Liv- Oh I'm done, I'm gonna swing from the rafters with Edward, I can't do this shit! *drags chair over***

**Meg- I need some popcorn. Can I borrow some of yours?**

**Liv- Take it all I don't care! *puts head through noose***

**Meg- You can't take the popcorn when you go, so...ANYWAY. Our A/N shouldn't be this morbid. But I guess it's the end of the story, so... *pulls out razor blade***

**Liv-We ride together, we die together.**

**Meg- What do we do now? Sing? Hold hands? Or maybe just thank everyone for going on this crazy ride with us...that works.**

**Liv- Yeah, dying is stupid. Why would you kill yourself for someone anyway?**

**Liv & Meg- *rides off into the sunset sipping beers***

**We had the best fucking time writing this shit show and we want to thank everyone who read, reviewed, tweeted, pimped, and whatever the fuck else y'all did to get the word out about this story. There may be some outtakes later on so make sure you have us on author alert, and who knows, the two of us may have something else cooking up later on down the road. Since it's the last chapter we expect ALL you fuckers to drop us a line! Puffies! Winehoes OUT.**


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